Epic Rap Battles of MLP

by enigmaMystere

Anarchic Union Arc: Rap Battle #31

The halls of the palace were large and empty, save for the lonely echo of two ponies as they trotted through the grandiose corridors. The ivory unicorn looked to her guide, frowning all the while. "So... shouldn't there be more guards around here?"

"We're short-staffed at the moment." He didn't even bother to look back at her as he responds. "The Crystal Fair is rather important, especially with the Prince and Princess attending."

"Really?" She strained her ears, indeed picking up the faint sounds of merriment, sheep noises, and the metallic clang of lance against armor. "I see... I'm surprised I slept through the last one..."

"You were pretty far inside the castle. I don't blame you for not hearing anything."

Almost as soon as he finished his reply, another sound could be heard - the soft voice of a tired filly.

"Are we there yet?"

A fatherly voice answered her patiently. "Almost, Pinchy... I think. Castles aren't exactly the easiest places to find your way in."

Vinyl's ear twitched slightly, and she looks around, confused. "...that sounds li-"

A red blur hit her, hugging her close in jubilation. "Oh thank Luna you're alright! I was afraid you'd never wake up!"

The white pony, caught completely off-guard, stared blankly at the pony embracing her tightly. "...E?"

Around the corner came a green stallion with a pink filly riding on his back. "See? I told you we might have been close."

"Good." She sighed, resting her non-painted cheek against the nape of his neck. "That means I can sleep..."

The disk jockey, meanwhile, was looking from one pony to another, her bafflement growing greater with each passing second. "I don't understand... what are you all doing here?"

Enigma cleared his throat, touching a hoof to his chest. "I got a message from the Crystal Empire, telling me that you were starting to stir. I rushed over on the first train I could."

Rhino told his side of the story. "We tagged along because we were worried and I thought this little one might like a fair experience." At the last part, he nuzzled the little ball of pink on his back.

"Fwuffy..."

He looked back to the others with a sheepish smile. "She wore herself out."

"I... thank you for your concern, but you didn't have to come to our world to do that..." She trailed off as she sees the burgundy pegasus make a cut-throat motion with his hoof. "...what? Did I say something wrong?"

Rhino sighed, slumping a bit. "It's... a short but unfortunate story."

"Ah..." She glanced at the waiting guard, seeing him bow to a familiar purple pony before she continues. "Maybe we can walk and talk? Not trying to be rude, but I want to try something out..."

He nodded, walking to a position near her. "Alright."

They started heading up, further into the castle, as Vinyl began to speak. "So... why are you here, Rhino? In our world, I mean."

"Originally, it was to visit Octavia, you, E, and a few other ponies." He answered evenly.

"Well, that was a nice thought." She tilted her head, smiling sheepishly at him. "Sorry for being... you know, asleep."

"Yeah, it was a bit odd to find that out. I still don't know why they didn't try harder to wake you up." He shook his head slowly.

The pegasus in front of them responded to this, an annoyed tone to his voice. "It could screw up a pony's biology if they aren't naturally awoken. The last one who had that happen isn't with us anymore."

The filly on Rhino's back jolted upright, staring in horror. "What?!"

"Not like that." He groaned, rubbing his forehead with a hoof. "She was changed into a manticore. She's now with Celestia, as an ambassador for the Everfree."

"Huh..." The vet quirked an eyebrow. "She sounds interesting."

"She almost bit my wing off, at first."

He winced. "Okay, to be fair, some ponies just don't like being woken up."

"Yeah, whatever." He stopped in front of a door, gesturing to it with a bemused expression. "The mirror is through here. I'll be heading back to the barracks before a certain someone tries to hit on me again."

Rhino blinked before looking back at the white mare. "Mirror?"

"I'll explain after you finish your story." She leaned against the door, an eyebrow raised. "So I take it you didn't stay on account of me?"

He looked down, taking a moment before answering. "Yeah... when it came time to go home, Twilight said all the jumping between dimensions had made everything in between too unstable for her spell to work anyway."

"...wait, what?" She stared at him, shocked. "You mean... you guys are stuck here?"

He nodded, ears folded. "Yeah... still a bit of a shock when it hits me suddenly."

"Ah... well, uh..." The mare scratched the back of her neck, uncertain what to say. "...I think the mirror could help?"

"How so?"

"If I'm not mistaken, it is a portal to another world... but books by Starswirl have indicated that these portals are fluid." She smiled, reaching over and patting him on the shoulder. "If we find the right arcane frequency, we might be able to return you home."

He smiled briefly, but it faded slightly after a moment. "...what are our chances of randomly finding it?"

She grimaced, turning away to face the door. "...there's a near-infinite number of universes out there... but there's also a place that can allow us to see into several of them at once."

He grunted. "Well, I'll give it some shots, but I can't just keep looking forever. That's not a life I want for Pinchy. I may just have to start new here."

Ruby gently hugged him, her eyes closed as she does so. "...I wish mom was here, too... I miss her..."

Vinyl cleared her throat and points to the door, exclaiming as she attempts to derail the feels train. "Come on, let's go! I want to make sure I grabbed the right spell!" Everyone else quickly followed after some brief nuzzling.

---

"Here we are!" Vinyl gestured to the room they just entered, grinning at the stallions behind her. "Welcome to the DB Stadium!"

The group found themselves in a large open room, a portal set into the wall behind them. Arranged on the walls of the circular area were large monitors, each showing a different part of a stadium with a small panel underneath each.

Rhino hummed in thought as he looks around. "A control room or something?"

"Nah, that's up there." She pointed up to the ceiling, and the room located there, hanging by several thick beams. "I think I know how everything works... hopefully, it isn't too different from my stuff..."

"Do I even want to know how you found out about this place?"

"Not if you want to keep your sanity."

Rhino nodded. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"Regardless, we should probably get up there so we can start searching." With that, the disk jockey started making her way over to a set of doors off to one side of the arena.

The green stallion held up a hoof. "You haven't said exactly what we're looking for yet."

She turned her head, calling back over her shoulder as the doors opened to reveal an elevator. "I'll know it when I see it!"

The burgundy pegasus at Rhino's side shook his head, muttering just loud enough for the other stallion to hear. "I highly doubt it… if anything, she probably just wants to play with a new toy."

He nodded. "Yeah… but that seems kinda like it's what she does. It probably doesn't even feel like it's been a year and a half since she's seen you."

"I'll bet."

Their conversation was interrupted when a crackling sound fills the air, causing the filly on Rhino's back to begin to stir. The noise was soon replaced by a familiar, excited voice. "Hey, check this out! There's still something here from that last battle they showed!"

"Wait, battle?" Enigma looked up at the box, confused. "What battle?"

"You know, the death battle!" Gleeful giggling reverberated through the empty stadium, barely hiding the rising hum of magic. "Oh, this is gonna be perfect!"

Rhino's ears folded back. "I don't know if it's a good idea to mess with things with the word 'death' in them."

"It'll be fine! See?" Before their eyes, two ponies began to materialize. "I tweaked the settings a bit. No death, but there will be blood!" She started laughing but abruptly stops, sheepishly continuing. "Metaphorically, of course..."

The green unicorn twitched one ear. "This is exactly what I think it is, isn't it?"

"Yep!" There's the sound of a sharp inhale, and then the disk jockey shouted into the microphone.

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF MLP!

VS

BEGIN!

We meet again, Pip, but after this, it will be over
And this time, you won't be having such a nice closure
Just a touch of my hoof and you'll be blown sky high
Try to beat me in this battle? Mare, don't even try
I mean, look me in the eyes and tell me what story you got
The bulk of it is spent looking over others' better plots!
So bring your best, Toaster Repairpony.
Come on and do it. Ante up and hit me!

Who could this strange pony stepping up to me be?
Does she even qualify, being almost all machine?
Though, come to think of it, such a creature's quite a find
But I should teach her that this pony's not just in her mind
The filly from Stable Two, yeah you know who
Playing you like all your fake statues
Yeah, this lone battle-worn famous unicorn
Will knock you upside your stupid "compact" horn

Eh, I can stomach that verse of yours, I guess
But you'll need a Remedy when I leave you a Bloody Mess
You seriously want to out-rhyme me? You must be Mint-al!
You shot some slaves? Big deal! I'm actually influential!
I powered through all the world could throw my way
Even when my original body started to decay
In case you don't believe me, here's something that's always true:
I'm not an executioner, but I'll gladly stomp you.

Hush now, quiet now, this mare's time's come to an end
Like those foals that you put down and all your raider friends
If you could even nick my mane, may Luna fuck me with the moon
You'll go down quicker than your mother - sorry, too soon?
Go drink your Wild Pegasus, it'll make this painless
Far more than any fallen friend of yours could attest!
But I'll admit, you were able to do something I wasn't
You come back from the dead; too bad Glory doesn't

---

WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF MLP!

Author's Note:

Big thanks to RLYoshi and Rhino for helping me, again! I'm sad Yosh is declining to help with future rap battles, but I wish him luck with his future endeavors!

"...you sure you didn't misunderstand him, a little bit?"

Please don't get mad at us for using the version of Blackjack we did, in her title card. Her final form has almost no vectors that we could find.

Extra lines:

Why don't you come close, hear what I have to say
'Cause Little Macintosh wants to come out and play.

---

And don't you fucking lie to me - I mean, fuck me with the sun
Next time make sure to take the damn safety off your gun!

And what used to be Littlepip's titlecard (here).

"Be sure to leave us a comment below telling us who you'd like to see next! Thanks for reading, and I hope you all have a wonderful day!"

Enigma out!

"Seriously, though, we'd really appreciate some suggestions. We have no idea who to do next, since we don't know that many famous fan characters." "Without those, there won't be any more rap battles for a while. Just as a warning."

Comments

[trahzo]

I wanna see a rap battle between Garble & Mayor Mare, yeah it sounds random, but come-on.

[Fallen_Stargazer]

6294878 then why bother reading and commenting

[Fallen_Stargazer]

6295058 I was going to write this whole argument about fanfics are good regardless as long the writer has fun making them, but someone who feels their own opinion(no matter how long or little it took you to comment) triumphs over all isn't worth the effort.

[enigmaMystere]

6295058
I'm all for constructive criticism, so if you have any pointers on how I can improve, then please, feel free to tell me. Otherwise, if you really don't have much to say that can help me become a better writer, then I'd like to ask why you decided to dislike this story, and apparently without reading it.

[Dirty Bit]

Nice to see the first rap battle in a while.

[enigmaMystere]

6295368
You know, I appreciate everything you said, just then. And I appreciate the sentiment behind saying that it would work better as a video format, but, frankly, I have been trying to make it a real video series. I just don't have the money to afford to pay people to help create music and animations for everything.

By the way, I don't think I mentioned this before, but your avatar is adorable. Twilight is best book pony.

[DarkBunny91]

Sweetie Belle as she exists in The Sweetie Chronicles by Wanderer D and Nyx from past sins. *Drops the mic*

[GentlemanPirate]

I'm glad to see that you're trying to get back into the story, E. As for suggestions? I'm slightly lost. The only famous 'OCs' I can think of are personalised versions of canon characters (John Joseco's Princess Molestia /Gamer Luna, JitterbugJive's Discord Whooves, LilMissJay's Lil' Miss Rarity...) and the pink fluffy pony known as Flufflepuff (who lacks the ability to speak). All other OCs I have seen in stories have been background characters.
What about me?
Captain Jolly Francis Roger, you are perfectly aware that no one who hasn't read the bonus chapters of this very story has any idea who you are.
But E, if you need help from October on, I'll be glad to help.
-GentlemanPirate

[kooarbiter]

this one was meh for me, a couple of the lines didn't sound entertaining and although it's difficult to tell for sure if you have to transcribe it from text into your own voice, but many times the lines seemed like they would have broken the flow just to rhyme

there also wasn't anything interesting or different here, just self promoting and general dissing the other rapper with character themed insults and a few story references, but nothing here shouted famous paragon savior of the wastes vs badass whiskey demon robo pony

4/10 at least it was coherent

[enigmaMystere]

6345127
Your points are sound, and very in-depth... I like it. Would you be willing to help with other rap battles? I have a couple in mind that could do with some critiquing.

[kooarbiter]

6350061

aww sorry, I don't know much about rap in general, I just said what was on my mind, and it somehow turned out to be coherent

my apologies

[Raybony]

Hello E, long time no see. As to suggestions for Rap Battle characters? This is tricky considering you want to put OCs in. My advice, make a poll asking for people's top five characters that they like from stories, videos, music or other forms of media. While most people may know about Nyx, Little Pip, Blackjack and even some representations of cannon characters like pinkiemena from cupcakes, Button Mash from Jan Animations, or even Doctor Whoeves and Derpy from Lovestruck Derpy, there aren't enough to make the story keep going for long. So try to open up to even more suggestions than just popular to the fandom as a whole, but maybe have favourites from groups instead. Like an OC which has been around and popular for a long time, Golden Ticket. Or even a controversial OC named Aryanne, who is known to be an incredibly cute nazi pony. Trust me, there is more art of her than you would imagine.

Anyways, I hope this helps you in the future making of rap battles, and I hope you stay well.

[Crimson Rose]

I would give to see a rap battle between Discord and Fluttershy Because REASONSSS XD

[Winterman]

Fleur De Lis vs Cadance

[KRSSPR-103]

Question: Was this an original rap battle or was it lyric-changed from ERB? By the way, Littlepip won. For the next rap battle, do a Crossover Rap Battle!

[RBronyReader446]

Littlepip wins
Also love that Blackjack pic

[Valen Machina]

6521150 My avatar was created by Vivziepop she is an amazing artist. Check out her Web comic Zoophobia where this character is from.

[RuinQueenofOblivion]

Finally I can vote on one, Littlepip for the win!

I was actually wondering if you had read these fanfics since you said you played Fallout before. Heh, too bad there's no current art of my FoE OC.

[shadowranger]

I'd like to see nyx vs button mash
my vote is for littlepip

[Dragonfox156]

My vote would have to go to Blackjack. Also, how about Mayor Mare vs Prince Blueblood or Gilda vs Lightning Dust?

[dragonspinner33]

how about you do annalist who do the reviews on MLP you have silver-quill vs fire bran or toon critic vs voice of reason

[Slean Stoneheart]

just letting you know that there is a 'sex' tag

[Ruby Sapphire]

Dude you gotta add in more chapters pleeeeeeeeaaaaasssseeeeee

[Antydeth]

A rap battle with Sombra perhaps? Shining Armor vs Sombra? Tirek vs Sombra?

[Gamer Script]

I get the distinct feeling that this is more or less on indefinite hiatus... And that saddens me greatly.

[SomewhatRandomUser]

10357602
At least it didn't go on permanent hiatus early on

[Gamer Script]

10434918
Yeah

[Kitsulestia]

I got one! Princess Twilight versus Zipp Storm!