[Eventually will be rebooted in a new story]
Rated [Teen] for F. Violence & Strong Language.
It's been ten years since she's been crowned princess, and during that time she's been rather... busy. Among moments of solving friendship problems and saving Equestria multiple times, she has destroyed the covenant, saved the Mushroom Kingdom and its princess, destroyed all the colossi in the Forbidden Land by the order of a sealed god, escaped Black Mesa, and many more heroic deeds. Yes, Twilight Sparkle can call herself a video game master of many genres. However, she never once touched the aspects of virtual reality MMO’s. That is until she started playing Equestrian Earth. With a whole digital world before her, Twilight felt that her adventures in the MMO would be her greatest adventure yet.
However, this adventure may prove to be the most dangerous as a powerful entity and its legion of hackers have taken over the world. Twilight Sparkle must unite with her fellow gamer friends if she is to prevent herself from getting a game over not just in the virtual world, but the real world. Adventure awaits in a land filled with monsters, allies, quests, rivals, imagination, friendship, and magic.
This is Equestrian Earth, let the games begin.
Story Description Credits to Rated Ponystar [an immense help!]
↓If you haven't, read Author Notes down below↓
Author Notes:
Ω Editors: ugugg93
∞ Edited chapters will be marked by a certain number of *s, indicating how many editors got to it
Ω Proof/Pre-readers: RemareShadows and Apuppy120, ultra1437, Genghis, and Willow the Pegasus
Ω A World Map of Equestrian Earth (and Equestria)
∞ (Password is mlp.)
Ω Also as a side note: I came up with the idea in the shower.
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Past Cover Arts
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1st Cover Art: The Great Six by Boxanor
2nd Cover Art: My Little Skyrim by Atrixy
3rd Cover Art: The Bannermares (and dragon) by latecustomer
Official Equestrian Earth Cover Art #1 [Landscape] by Midnight Sonare
Current Cover Art:
Official Equestrian Earth Cover Art #2 [Portrait] by Midnight SonareFic's Group
Equestrian Earth HubnetReviews
Ω SLthethird's review
![Official Equestrian Earth Cover Art #1 [Landscape]](http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2015/019/2/8/equestrian_earth_by_midnightsonare-d8ejlkj.png){kind=link}
Hello everypony who reads this. This story is just meant to test the waters. If I get a lot of likes and favorites in the first week of it's release, I'll make this one of my main updated stories. I hoped you've enjoyed it.
Edit: Also If you want, go here to join the group and contribute your fantastic idea to the virtual world of Equestrian Earth!
I can't wait to read more of this story from the first chapter I can tell that this is going to be a great story.
Muy interesante.
I hope you continue, I WANT TO KNOW MOAR.
Looks pretty cool.
The title seems awesome. That and the description are amazing. This better be a good one.
(reads chap. 1)
You... did good. This is great. keepit up!
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My first five commentors! (of this story)
1266622At least you're lucky. I once read this (darn good) fic, and the first comment was a hate comment. Talk about burn.
1266632 A fic like this before? Gee I hope you still have the link too it. I'm curious about this 'failed' fan fic.
EDIT: Actually, I considered myself lucky for the first ever fan fic I've ever made. It's a gamer Luna fan fic and I'm grateful that the first supporting people to have favorite and read the story were not total grammar nazis. (Cause the grammar for the first six were typed directly on this website, so I don't have access to the auto correct or spell check).
1266622 But of course
Good start... make sure you get spike involved and hacks his way to the ultimate level
Welp, I'm hook! Now I shall await for the next chapter to come.
1266645I didn't mean one like this, I just read a somewhat good fic.
FIMFiction, which I believe is great.
What I and the next brony say is good difer greatly, cause when I read a fic I only look at plot, character ,and dialogue. In other words I ignore spelling, grammar and sentence strusture.
edit--(this line edited only) The following is me talking about myself:
That doesn't mean I do that when I'm writing a fic, however. I pay close attention to all things.
And that doesn't mean the fic i have posted is good. Personally I think I don't do well at first person fics. What I have posted is jus' a warmup for my REAL up and coming GREAT AND POWERFUL
Dis 'gun be good.
I didn't know Diablo was an MMO.
And you currently have a 100% like ratio.
They should make a game of this story. It's that good.
Hm, seems promising.
I want this game...
Great work!
can't wait for the next chapter!!
Okay, you can consider me sufficiently interested in seeing this continue.
Edit - 30 Thumbs up, with 0 down, as of this edit. I think that counts for something.
I want this game now... damn... if someone actually makes this game for the ps3 or pc, i would get it... you sould get somebody to program it for you writter guy. that'd be sweeeeet
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I actually thought that to myself as I wrote the first chapter. If this story were to be incredibly popular. Something like this would probably happen in a few months (1-2 years)
That will probably not happen in a very long time though. I loved the Fallout Equestria fan fic with all my heart and was part of my inspiration to start this story.
1266895 As for you, Diablo is more like a co-op game rather than a huge MMO. It still has the rpg elements like most MMORPG games have.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
*POINTS AT THUMBS DOWN*cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/bmetal.png
THE FIRST THUMBS DOWN!
everypony panic!
It seems interesting enough. I'll investigate and see what happens.
There better be some good references in here.
Runescape please.
to tired to read but i added it to favorites to read later(if i put it in my read later list i will end up never getting to just like the other 15 stories)
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Actually, I've never read Fallout: Equestria, but I've always wanted too.
Hell, I've never even played Fallout before.
But this trailer looks awesome! :D
1260042 In under 2000 words you have hooked me to this. I expect great things from you.
I expect great things.
We need Big Mac in this. He could be the groups tank considering how freaking big he is.
This... this was needed. Very much so.
Godspeed in your writing good sir!
Oh, and have a moustache.
First, I would ask that you show these next chapters to someone who will edit for you, I found some odd word choices like "incredibly truthfully" and such, sorry
Secondly, please, please, please update quickly. I can't wait to see the rest of the mane six and the adventures they go on. I'm a WOW person myself; Human priest
Ciao darling
If classes are like wow
Twilight = arcane mage
Applejack = fury warrior
Rarity = holy paladin
Fluttershy = beastmaster hunter
Dash = enhancement shaman
Pinkie = subtlety rogue...pinkamena assassination
If you don't continue this story, the universe will explode. Trust me, I'm a fake doctor
.
Dialogue? Stilted. It's bland.
Prose? Mostly awkward. I advise reading it out loud and attempting to fix it.
Beginning? Cliche. And it's not even good to begin with; fix that as well.
You also suffer from 'Lavender Unicorn Syndrome.' I advise going through and fixing that as well.
As of now, this gets a downvote.
Considering he lives with her and would probably love playing MMORPG games, especially with his friends, it's a wonder Spike wasn't invited to play.
Eh... *scratches behind neck* Certainly has promise, at this point it's a fave and a upvote from here.
Hmm... this premise interests me... I will watch this.
1260042 kelfen.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/moar.jpg myfacewhen.net/uploads/58-michael-moar.jpg
Just sayin'
...This is going to be both epic, and Hilarious. Fluttershy's likely a druid of some sort, maybe a ranger. AJ I can see as the warrior type, brserker mayb. The others... Eh I got nothing offhand.
MOAR! MOAR DAMMIT!
Looks interdasting.
I dunno how you feel about constructive criticism or why you're writing, author, but I feel like giving some. Feel free to delete and/or ignore this comment if you want, though.
"The Beginning Arc" is pretty bland and unimaginative, not to mention "arc"s are things that you don't really have to explicitly label -- the divisions between one and another should be evident to any reader who's paying attention.
Your first paragraph has no relevance to the story, and is mostly identical to the bland first paragraphs of a thousand other ponyfics. It does nothing but waste the reader's time. Delete it, and your story will be better.
We know who Twilight Sparkle is and what she looks like. The best thing about writing fanfiction is you can rely on people already knowing about most of the characters.
1. Delete "today". It's not really necessary and gives the sentence an odd feel.
2. "Doing [...] book" is a dependent clause, not a sentence of its own. You should join it to the sentence preceding it with a comma.
You can tell if something should or shouldn't be a sentence by whether or not it tells us about something performing an action.
"Twilight sat on her couch."
This is a sentence because it has an action (sitting) and something that's doing the action (Twilight).
"Drinking a cup of tea."
This isn't a sentence because it doesn't tell us who or what is drinking the cup of tea.
You can sometimes use sentence fragments as whole sentences if you're going for a specific effect or writing the dialogue of a character who speaks in a certain way, but generally you want to use full sentences.
Carmine already mentioned that your writing suffers from "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome", which is what we call it when you do this:
Ninety-five percent of the time, you should use a character's name or a pronoun (she, her, etc...) when referring to them. We already know what they look like, and using little descriptions in place of names can get very confusing and weird -- the reader has to keep breaking out of the story and thinking "who was the purple unicorn again?" Even if the reader only spends a split-second doing that, immersion is still broken.
If you're worried about repeating names or pronouns too much, experiment with different sentence structures. Having lots of different kinds of sentences makes your prose flow nicely and stops it from getting stilted.
Honestly, it is kind of stilted at the moment. It's better than a lot of other prose I've seen, but you could stand to mix up the way you write sentences a little -- just read some good fiction (books from the library, stories in the Pony Fiction Vault, etc...) and keep practising till you get a handle on that.
The word "designate" means "give a name to", like your parents may have designated you as whatever your birth name is.
It's not really appropriate in this context -- I think you were going for something like "call me" or "refer to me as". English is a slippery language, full of these words that mean almost the thing you want to express.
Also, random indentation is random. Remove those TABs.
On the upside, your dialogue punctuation is mostly perfect. Most authors get tripped up on that, so well done for getting it right.
I'm a lot better at critiquing language use than anything else, so I'll just leave you to your story now. In any case, not much as happened yet so it's hard to really judge.
So it's like Warcraft Second Life for ponies?
I smell .//hack
"The World" is calling. Looking forward to read more.
thumbs up for happy wheels
Okay. I hate to be that guy here because you have an interesting story going, but get a proofreader. The problems you have here can't be fixed with spell check. You're using the wrong words in many cases and your grammar needs fixing.
So, what MMORPG are you basing this on? Earth Eternal? Because I really this awesome World of Warcraft/ponies crossover the other day (World of Ponycraft, by CapnChryssalid), though that may be partially because WoW is the only MMORPG I've played in-depth (besides RuneScape, but that was YEARS ago...) And Team Fortress 2 is an MMOFPS, not RPG.
“You may be wondering why I seemed to be such a downer,” she said. “Well I don’t know much about the mare I was based on but from what I can tell from memory data, this one was incredibly truthfully down to the bone. I’ve been told that she did this sometimes to tease others, or as modern ponies may call it, ‘rustle their jimmies’.”
oh god, here it comes
“Really? Who told you that?” Twilight asked.
“Hmm, I believe it was somepony named Celestia.”
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Diablo's not an MMO! Diablo's a single player RPG that Blizzard's decided MUST be online at all times because they want all of their players to be connected to their friends via BattleNet at all times, and it annoys me that I am required to be online and subject to lag and connection issues to play a single-player game. However, the AH is nice.
Looks interesting, so I'm gonna track.
May the Grace of the Valar Protect You
Shire Folk
ah nuthing like a great MMORPG this'll be good :3 im wishing it were already real heh please continue! upvote from me!
MOAR. I need MOAR. I also need this game, but I need MOAR of this fic. As a player of a few MMO's, I can see myself really getting into this fic fast.