World's Best Dad
Chrysalis awoke slowly to the sound of her Daddy's snores. Smiling as she blinked her eyes, she buzzed up out of her bed to hover over him. She settled gently beside him and touched his shoulder gently with one hoof.
He started mumbling in his sleep. "...Chrysi...you're so adorable...eat the flesh of my enemies...just like that...army of adorable..." He let out another snore as a wave of love poured off him, which Chrysalis happily consumed as it was meant for her anyway. With her Daddy, she never went hungry.
Once she'd eaten her fill, she began to flit around the apartment, looking for something to do. As she did, she glanced at the calendar. She knew how to read the date, although it had never meant anything to her. However, she noticed something marked on an upcoming day that caught her eye.
Father's Day
She tilted her head in confusion. Father's Day? She had no idea what that was. However, this wasn't the first thing she'd encountered here that she didn't understand. She had two easy ways of getting answers in that regard. Since her Daddy was still asleep, she used the second option.
Closing her eyes, she opened her mind and heart. Mommy? she called softly.
When she opened her eyes, the world was different. Crazed, fanciful beings danced in a macabre parody of life as she knew it. Ancient spirits swung with those yet unborn, singing hellish songs of praise. And in the center of it all was a throne of bones, upon which a familiar robe figure sat, directing her smile Chrysalis' way. "How can I help you, my dear sweet child?" Death asked, setting her scythe aside and holding her arms out to the Changeling nymph.
Grinning widely, Chrysalis leapt into her mother's arms, hugging her around the neck and lapping up her love. It had different qualities from her Daddy's love, more primal. Where Daddy's love was spicy and set a fire in her veins, Mommy's love had more subtle flavors. It was the difference between backyard barbecue and an elegant dinner. Both were filling and delicious, but one was more cultured than the other.
Pulling back from the hug, she looked up into her Mommy's empty eye sockets, so different from Daddy's white shapes in black ovals. "What's Father's Day?" she asked. "I saw it on the calendar, but I never heard of it before."
"But I have never," Lady Death chided gently, being the only parent concerned about Chrysalis learning, if nothing else, proper grammar. She chuckled at the face Chrysalis made over the correction. "Father's Day is a holiday mortals use to celebrate their Fathers. This generally involves a present of some sort, and spending the day with them for those who are no longer children living at home."
Chrysalis gasped loudly. "I gotta get Daddy a present!" she proclaimed. "What'll I get him? What'll I get him?"
Lady Death smiled as she set Chrysalis down. "Think of all you know of him," she said softly. "The perfect present will come to you."
With that, the realm of Death faded from Chrysalis' vision, and she was back in the apartment.
Diving into her bed, she quickly pulled out the bag that held the money Deadpool had been giving her, calling it her allowance. He had said it was for whatever she wanted to buy for herself. She'd never spent any of it except on the ice cream truck. Other than those impulse buys, the apartment contained everything she could want...except some slaves to do her every bidding, but apparently that was illegal. Which was a pity, because she was pretty certain a buxom slave girl to do his every whim would be the perfect present for her Daddy, given what she'd seen on his internet.
Her money hanging in the pouch around her neck, Chrysalis flew out the window and towards the shopping district. She was certain she'd find something that would make the perfect present for her Daddy.
Passing by a hat store, she paused. If she was going to be out in public, she should look her best.
Ten minutes later, she walked out of the hat store wearing a stylish fez, and smiling from ear to ear. "Now, to buy Daddy a present..." Her voice trailed off and her smile faded as she poured out her money pouch.
37 cents spilled onto her hoof.
She stared at the tiny amount of money in her possession. She couldn't even buy a cup of coffee with that, let alone a Father's Day present. ...not that she drank coffee, but it was the principle of the thing. "How am I supposed to get Daddy a present now?" she wailed.
"Try blowing up that dumpster to get moneys out of it!" someone suggested.
Quickly acting on the suggestion, Chrysalis blasted the nearby dumpster with a bolt of magic. There was a rain of garbage, flying hunks of metal, and a great many terrified screams as people ran away, but no money. "Well, that didn't work," she pouted.
"That's because this isn't a video game," another voice growled.
"Yet!"
Chrysalis blinked. Both of those voices sounded like her, almost. The blue one sounded like her on a sugar rush, while the brown one sounded as if she were trying to talk like Mommy or... "Oh my gosh!" she squealed happily. "I've got my own Crazy and Stuffy!"
"Yay!"
"You only just put that together?"
Chrysalis clapped her hooves happily. "Now you two can help me get some money to buy Daddy a present for Father's Day!" She tilted her head. "So...how do I make money?"
"Well, first you buy a printer-"
"That is not a good idea."
"Yeah! I only have 37 cents."
"Look, there are plenty of easy ways for an adorable little girl like us to get money for a present for Daddy."
"Just ask yourself, What Would Daddy Do?"
"And then don't do that."
Chrysalis nodded and thought for a time. Mentally crossing off everything her Daddy would do, she came to the end of her list. "I've got nothing."
"We could try picking pockets!"
"Heck no!"
"I don't even wear clothes!" Chrysalis pointed out.
"No, you pick other people's pockets."
"That's a bad idea."
"Yeah. How am I supposed to get a job as a fashion consultant when I don't wear clothes?"
The voices were silent for a time. "I don't know whether to be relieved she isn't going to try it or groan in frustration at how badly she misinterpreted that."
"That place has pretty colors!"
"Ooh! Pretty colors!" Chrysalis said happily as she bounced over to the Penny Arcade.
37 games later, Chrysalis was broke, and she hadn't managed to win any prizes.
"Stupid designed for humans controls," she pouted. "They stole all my munnies... Now how am I supposed to get Daddy a present?"
"We could try begging," Crazy Chrysalis offered.
"That's...actually not a bad idea."
Grinning, Chrysalis fished a piece of cardboard and a marker out of the wreckage of the exploded dumpster. She then quickly wrote Need munnies 4 Daddy Day on it and set it beside her, setting her fez down open end up in front of her, giving everyone who passed by her most adorable begging face. For some reason, everyone ran the opposite direction.
"How come this isn't working?"
"Maybe because all these people have heard about how we blew up a dumpster!"
"...wow. Humans sure know how to hold a grudge."
"Why won't anybody help me get my Daddy a present!" Chrysalis wailed, throwing another blast of magic.
The office building across the street exploded, raining fire down over a large portion of the city.
"The end is nigh!" a crazy man with a sign shouted as he danced through the flames and the screaming, fleeing populace. "The end is nigh!"
"No, it is pony caused!" another shouted. "The end is neigh!"
Pouting, Chrysalis put her fez back on and stalked away.
"Psst...hey kid!" a shady voice said from a dark alleyway. "I hear you want to make some quick cash?"
"Uh huh!" Chrysalis said eagerly. "I wanna buy my Daddy a present!"
"This feels like a bad idea..."
"Well," the shady character whispered, "some of my buddies and I are working on something, and you'd be just perfect for what we've got planned. Interested?"
"Okay, this is definitely a bad idea."
"Umm...what would I have to do?" Chrysalis asked.
"Can you chant?" the robed figure asked.
"Can't be all that bad."
A half hour later, even more screaming could be heard, along with the sounds of people being ripped to pieces. "Well that sucked," Chrysalis pouted.
"I told you doing anything with shady characters was a bad idea."
"I thought summoning an eldritch horror was fun!"
"But it ate them all before any of them paid me!" Chrysalis complained. "So now I'm still broke and without a present for Father's Day." As she flew back into the apartment, she took her fez off, holding it in her hooves.
"And just where have you been, young lady?" Deadpool demanded angrily.
She sniffled. "I...I just wanted to get you a present for Father's Day..." she whimpered.
Deadpool gasped. "And you got me a fez!" he proclaimed happily, quickly putting it on his own head. "It's just what I always wanted! It goes great with my monocle and fake mustache to complete my snobby look!" He pulled out a monocle and fake mustache, sticking both to his face. "Right-o!"
"...seriously?"
"It's just like Mommy said! The perfect present for our random and silly Daddy is something random and silly for him to be random and silly with!"
Crazy suddenly gasped happily. "Chrysi has her own version of us now! I'm a Daddy, too!"
Stuffy sniffled. "I'm...I don't know what to say..."
"Daddy!"
"Hello, Father."
"You are Cray-Chry.
"And you shall be Stuffalis."
"Ooh...I like that name!"
"A little silly, but suitable."
"And that makes me Deadpool Chrysi!" Chrysalis said happily. She giggled. "I'm DC!"
Deadpool grabbed Chrysalis and began shaking her, angrily demanding over and over again, "What were you thinking with Teen Titans GO? What were you thinking with Teen Titans GO?"
Chrysalis giggled happily, but the enjoyable shakes were interrupted by an inhuman scream of hunger echoing from outside.
Deadpool stepped up to the window. "Chrysi? Why is the city on fire? ...and littered with bits of dead people? ...and why has an eldritch abomination torn the sky open to reach down with black tentacles to eat people? ...and is that a volcano?"
Chrysalis smiled innocently. "It was a...very enthusiastic shopping trip?" she offered cutely.
Deadpool pulled her into a tight hug. "Best daughter ever!"
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Deadpool should use fourthwall power and self like this story because I can't do it more than one time
Brain.exe has stopped.
Restart systems.
Processing.
Awesome.exe running
And another chapter has arrived.
Why does Deadpool get all the luck?
Hmm... well, you can't be Deadpool's daughter without being badshit insane.
Now who's going to deal with Cthulhu?
Oh yes Chrisy would be best daughter for Deadpool. So. Awesome!
Chrysalis is starting to become crazy
Such an adorable chapter despite the massive bloodshed.
Hmm... Not enough faces to express myself...
Needs more Deadpool.
This fic just keeps on giving!
Ok that's enough smiling...
CRAP! TATSUROU! YOU BROKE MY FACE!
Nice job on getting featured again. That was a halarious chapter.
The Force you should use.
sorry this was just to good ;P.
What were you thinking with Teen Titans GO? What were you thinking with Teen Titans GO?
Very much this.
There is nothing to hate about this story. It's just AWESOME, adorable, and amusing! ^_^
Easily the best line in this chapter
Yay for Cray-Chry and Stuffalis!!!
Thank God this isn't real. I would be hiding in a fallout shelter for the rest of my life if it was.
Why does Stuffalis not have a Voice Color?
6048980 Stuffalis does, it's just a very dark brown.
6048980 She has - black
6049022 Hah hah, racist Schizophrenia.
6048980
Sorry. Didn't realize how close to the standard black text the dark brown was.
NEVER stop being cute Chrysalis.
Grinning, chrysalis fished a piece
1. Just forgot to capitalise.
Hah, Cray-Chry and Stuffalis... Gold right there.
6048980 That didn't really bother me. I put the font style in ultra black, so all the text (besides the had picked colour ones) are white
This seems to be missing a word.
Is it intentional that Stuffalis doesn't have a special colour, or am I blind?
She like Tiny Tina crossed with Venom, now...
6049272
It's dark brown.
6049271
If you mean when Chrysalis didn't use it, it was because she is a little kid and doesn't have good grammar.
If you mean when it's in italics and is an incomplete sentence, it's because Lady Death is correcting Chrysalis' grammar, deliberately only repeating the segment she's correcting.
6049299 So I am blind.
6049310 The latter and my bad for not reading in context.
Lets see... Distracted by video game store... set a building on FIRE... summoned up a elderich monster... and all just to find a present...
GLORIOUS!
6049272 No, it's chocolate brown.
This is the perfect fanfic to go all out being crazy and writing insane stuff all the while making sense! Given that its deadpoo, but still!
Can we say... Chryssi's gone... cray-chry?
This story makes me laugh my ass off. And I know it's not popular but Teen Titans Go can be funny as hell. Remember Raven likes the Pretty Pegasus Ponies and references everywhere.
How has deadpool not destroyed the entire planet by now?
oh the references!
6048632 He'll tire himself out eventually.
6050130
He's a being that signifies the end of life and sanity of any remaining life as we know it, tiring out isn't really an possibility...
My response to that:
EXACTLY DEADPOOL! EXACTLY.
Hooray for enthusiasm!
cdn.ebaumsworld.com/picture/ACDCROCKER/MotivateThanos1.jpg
6050177 not with that attitude
I... I can't seem to find a picture to express the amount of " fucking really, dude?" That I am experiencing right now, so have a potato instead.
vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/asdfmovie/images/f/fc/Potatoe.png/revision/latest?cb=20120724025339
6049295
OMG that sounds horrifying
Note for everypony reading this. DONT READ IT AT AROUND MIDNIGHT! YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GO TO BED AFTERWARDS!
--Warning by--
The OP Pony, Oblivion Prophet
Stuffalis's color is almost indiscernable from the regular text.
Wait, I just realized a simple solution. People, next time you read this, change the color scheme. It's Deadpool, so I suggest Dark Red mode. It's both the color of his suit and the color of his enemies when they're done meeting with him.