Rebirth.
Give gifts. Give Life.
A term only heard a few times in my short life time. Yet, applies here so nicely.
Killed before my time, I live a second time! Even stronger than before!
...Even if I am a tiny unicorn.
God, that is sad.
This is the tale of Toby, a boy brutally killed before his time due to an unfortunate accident. In this 'thrilling' tale Toby comes back to the living. Strangely in a new world, with even stranger inhabitants. To go with this, he has the ability to use unknown magic not even Discord knows the orgin of, a pair of ghostly crimson eyes of the Death reaper himself, and the body of a little filly known as Pumpkin cake.
AU world! I decided to do a different take with a new main character on my original story "Have we been Foal'd?" which I may or may not update soon!
I saw that you posted this in the 'I just want a comment' group ^-^
I really like the concept you're bringing here, and I love how you go into deep detail inside the minds of all the characters, how you describe the theory of being reborn into a strange new world, and the way you went ahead and told us how the main character died, but in the way you sort of indirectly told us, within your lore.
But there are also times when you need to be careful with the prose you're choosing to write this story with.
The actual events that were told in this chapter seem a bit too...dismantled and vague, if this makes sense. You tell of the events, but you do so with a very cloudy glimpse (that I also got)each time you bring up a new detail about them. I mean, don't get me wrong, please. I personally admire this sort of prose, but...not everyone is willing to dissect everything you give us. Either they don't really know how, or just don't have the time for it, but, again, I personally love it.
With future chapters, I'd recommend telling the direct events of the story a little more easy to grasp and follow.
Best of luck to you! And if you ever need any help, I'm here~
5923367 Thank you so much for your apt description for my story and a my first comment!
Yes, I'm glad you picked up on that specific detail, I have a bad habit of actually giving discreet and subtle hints whilst not giving out all the required information! This is a habit picked up from Five Nights at Freddy's lore! The clues are in the story as it progresses leaving only theories usually! You can piece together what happened after a certain time period. I'll try to go easy on it, for those who don't want to dissect it for such!
Thank you for your offer on help! I hope to see you around!
~Timantha
hmm... why did this pop up in my feed... i don't remember following a timantha.... wait.. did you change you name from something else?
edit: oh, you wrote the foald story! ... i don't remember you name being timantha? you haven't blogged in months so i though you had left fim fic.
*reading descrption*
'Give gifts. Give life*
THATS IT IM READING THIS RIGHT NOW!!
I found myself enjoying the format in which you told the story, it's a great deal of fun to put information together until I have the full picture.
5923584 I've been really busy and haven't felt the want to force an update! So, I haven't! But now that I've got a little time I may or may not update it. This is the center of my attention at the moment!
5923783 I would do the same for any story that said that.
5923788 It's great to see that you enjoy it! I wasn't sure a lot of people would! I love mysteries and making theories so this is my way of telling stories now!
Thank you all for your feedback!
Is this a stealth FNAF crossover?
derpicdn.net/img/2014/8/8/694729/tall.png
5924266 Nope! It is not!
5924346 ...Surprisingly accurate!
5923412 That's actually so amazing! I like to do that with my (newer) stories, too! :D :D I'd like to think those stories are doing okay, too.
Anyway, you're very welcome! I hope we can become very good friends in the near future, with the similar prose we use~
And thanks for the watch, too! ^-^
~Elusive
Love that game theory reference.
5925017 I did as well!
it's and its are not the same
5927151 No, no they are not. I likely made a mistake in there, thank you for pointing it out! I'll look at it now.
5926234 I'm glad you do, and it's good to see you again!
Well, you've caught my interest with the whole Room-o-Madness you've got going there. Mostly decent (with some glaring exceptions) grammar is a definite plus as well.
...as of this chapter I will have to reevaluate my assessment of the grammar. It's honestly kinda, sorta, really terrible in this chapter. That fact combined with your use of obscure terms makes it seem like you're trying to be pretentious and failing. Get an editor to fix it up, or even just a proofreader to look it over.
Overall you're pertty good at setting a scene, but the buildup and atmosphere's kind of ineffectual when the reader has to stop every paragraph to try and puzzle out what a sentence is supposed to mean.
None the less, the premise of the story is intriguing, and I'll be keeping an eye on it.
5935989 Your feed back is highly appreciated! I will double my efforts to fix my mistakes! Proof readers and editors will be highly effective as myself- I'm not too good on the subject of grammar. It's just passable sadly. I'm working to improve myself, but at this moment will have to rely on others.
Sub-optimal.
Thanks again, I love when someone helps me become better! Thanks to you, I'm on my way to slowly improving!
5939614 I'm not sure if I'd call what I said feedback, but you're welcome. If you'd like to look for an editor I'd recommend the Looking for Editors group. It's a solid place with lots of good people willing to help.
I'm a bit curious, is English you native language?
EDIT: I just noticed, the title of the second chapter's misspelled. It should be "Madness Descent". Also, unless it's a joke or something, the story's title's got the wrong name, it's Pumpkin Cake, not Pumpkin Pie. I do believe that there should be a "The" before "Tale" in the title as well.
5942988 It's a joke alright, but it won't become clear until later in the story- but if I DID make a mistake, thanks! I'll get right to fixing the rest of it when I come back from where I'm going.
As for the english? Sadly, yes.
I grew up never being taught how to properly do any grammar what so ever. As of the past two years I've been learning how to correctly write by myself. The fun fact is, I'd never have learned how to write properly hadn't it been for fanfictions.
The 'Tale' being alone was done on purpose. Revitalization is a series of mine which explains that.
But about the Pumpkin Pie- it was a little joke reference for the future as stated. Though, it's kind of spoilers if you think about it...
Thanks! I'll fix it.
I hate spoilers!
Is this story still being written?
5970782 Mhm! As soon as I can get the time, I will. Actually thinking about writing one tonight.
Terror child? It would be interessting if she would have dark powers, but well would use them for more or less good stuff.
I mean it more or less like he wouldn´t think much about that kind of power, and the Ponys probably only know (black and white), while he is more like grey.
I tried to explain, but it seems I'm not exactly able to do it perfect tonight.
In a way I always like such more darker themes, but currently it seems that I don´t exactly crave the bad things in a story, proably because I already had two or three storys, that felt like that where rather swamped by bad stuff either for the character or just as something that happened in the story a lot. I only mean that I hope that this time the horror show is either her power, or just her imagination.
I like the idea, and right now I kind of hope that he maybe still has his own mind and can act differently from what they would expect from a Baby.
Sometimes I like it if ther mind is a bit influenced by his child state, but this time I would like it if he would actually could take advantage of his grown up mind.
I would like to have a new chapter please.
edit: In the end I can't and don't want to force you, but maybe concentrate one a story first before starting to many new one's?
writing it down should be enough to keep one story in mind, and I'm only saying it because one author once said he couldn't get his head empty and had to start 30 other storys because of it.
It is just that I really liked your Screwball story.
I would like to see another chapter.