Roseluck discovers something horribly wrong with her garden. Blossomforth knows how to fix it—or does she?
Thanks to bathroomstahl for pre-reading this story.
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Manaphy
Joined 12th Jun, 2014 ·
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This is some brilliant characterization you've got here.
5770280 Thank you. I'm glad that you enjoyed reading the story.
I like it.
5770596 I'm glad you liked reading it. Thank you.
Blossomforth was shaping up to be a cloudcuckoolander on her own... then she brought in Cloud Kicker and Derpy.
5771008 Yep. Blossomforth is quite the interesting mare.
Anyway, thanks for reading the story.
I likes.
5771033 Thanks. I'm glad that you enjoyed the story.
5771038
This was the epitome of Slice of Life, and I enjoyed every second of it.
10/10, well done.
5780388 Thanks for the compliments. I highly appreciate it.
but the flowers. what happened to the flowers? are they okay? good story and i liked the ending, but that is a "serious" question.
5855241 The flowers are okay in the end.
Anyway, thanks for reading the story, and I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
Not bad, Mana. It reads smoothly enough and I caught very few errors. Just remember that —s don't have a space on either side. Otherwise, your grammar was perfectly fine.
It's a nice story, but I wonder if it was a little too nice. From the moment we enter the story, everything is brilliant and pleasant and sweet. This might seem like an odd thing to say, but it felt like an episode of a previous generation of MLP rather than the current generation. It's very forward and matter-of-fact. Friends come and go, ponies introduce each other, they're all very nice and pleasant to one another. There's a bit of a tiff between Cloudy and the others, but it doesn't exactly escalate into a true conflict, even against the backdrop of hundreds of bees. Not every story needs a big overblown conflict though... on that note, it makes me ponder just how "everyday and boring" the lives of regular Ponyvillians are compared to all the adventures our main heroines get up to regularly.
A couple of issues that I'm having trouble reconciling though.
1) Roseluck is a gardener. It's her cutie mark. She specialises in gardening and growing flowers, particularly roses. So why then would she think that giving them sunlight and watering them every day is doing "everything she could" to help the rainbow roses grow? What about fertiliser? What about checking the temperature of the soil, and its PH levels? Were there any weeds around them? Bugs? Mildew?
To extend on this, it makes sense to me that a gardener would have their own small, private beehive of their own somewhere. How could she have not known that bees are a flower's best friend? I feel like this oversight of supposedly assumed knowledge detracts from her character, and renders the entire thing with the bees redundant.
There is a way to fix this easily, though: perhaps she's much younger, and this is set in an earlier time before the show's pilot? Perhaps she's only just become a gardener very recently and still has a lot to learn?
2) Roseluck wakes up, goes outside to her garden, tends it for a bit, meets with Lily and Blossomforth, and then... goes back inside to sleep, and doesn't wake up again until the next day? Wow. Talk about a sloth.
3) Apart from Roseluck, who was clearly defined, everyone's character was pretty much interchangeable. You're always going to get this with background ponies though, so it's not as big an issue as the main story-breaker.
So yeah. Perhaps the story might have done better if you, the writer, knew a little more about gardening. It's hard to write about a character who specialises in something we do irl if you don't specialise in it yourself.
So yeah. This is short and sweet and slightly entertaining enough, good for a few small smiles. But it wasn't terribly groundbreaking and didn't do particularly much for me. Perhaps it was the very childlike way everyone was portrayed. Like I said, it felt more like a previous-gen episode to me than a current-gen fanfiction.
I hope this helps you a little in any way, even if the story itself is never altered. Just remember: when portraying characters who specialise in something, perhaps it's best to do some real-world research first into what that character might be reasonably expected to know about, regarding their profession. Otherwise, not a bad effort. Fluffy.
Keep at it.
6082702 Thanks for the critique. Sorry the fic in question wasn't to your liking. I'll try to improve with characterization as well as make sure the plot is fitting for a story.