- Member Since 25th Nov, 2013
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
THEJamiboi
I write in my spare time, as a hobby and I would appriciate some feedback on any stories I write here on fimfiction.
THEJamiboi
Joined 25th Nov, 2013 ·
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It feels like it's missing some punctuation in quite a few places, but I actually quite like this lamia entry. You've got a good story going; it's just a little rough around the edges.
5403667 Sorry about that I'll try to fix it in proof reading, thanks. :)
5404759 Thanks, glad you enjoyed it, working on more! :)
I came for the vore and stayed for the romance. Not bad.
While I'm usually not one for vore (excluding "Panzer Vor!" exclamations as appropriate), I most enjoyed even that, yet alone the parts I came for. I can't tell why there's so many dislikes.
5428843 Some bronies simply dislike because of the sex tag, other because of snakes, maybe one didn't enjoy my work, who knows. I'm just glad more people enjoyed than didn't.
Oh and thanks! :)
5428764 XD Thanks.
i usually like stories with sex or fetish's (like vore) when theres more of a story behind them.
this is one of those stories and it's very amazing.
5429878 Thank you!
5429740 It's still equal to or better than other stories in the genre, which is the part that I don't get...
Edit: It's improved from what it was the first time I read it to a comparable rating to most stories of the sort.
5432684 Thanks, and don't worry about other peoples views everyone welcome to them.
5461530 It was a roleplay so it jumped quickly from what we wanted to do. :)
5460766 I'll try but my brain is hard-wired to know what it should say, which doesn't mean its always right, sorry! XD But I'll have a read through after the next chapter is done.
Moar.
...
...
...
That's all I have to say.
5475658 Thanks, glad you like it and soon, just want to get some work on my other book I'm doing.
That was sexual assault, plain and simple.
YECHHH.
Thiss was a great read, I'm just sad Its over.
5537614 Well hopefully we'll have a sequel, but since it was a roleplay I don't think it'll be the same, initially I tried to make a little more alone, I failed; this is a partnered story and it fails if only one carry's it. But HP (As I call him :3) is a massive rper so we should see a sequel.
Also glad you enjoyed it, means a lot. :)
This was a really good story, the best MLP-fanfic about lamias I've read so far actually (and I've read quite a few already). I like how you're always trying out something different in each chapter.
There's a lot of small mistakes though, so you should definatelly find someone to proofread these before you release them.
Also, you didn't tie up all the loose ends (yeah, I know it's based off of a roleplay, but still), so I hope you'll make a sequel eventually.
5696588 Hopefully we will make a sequel, but a good story always leaves people wondering.
As for proofreading, I do it myself and I'll hopefully get better at spotting the mistakes, thanks. :)
..., he smirked at Lemon as he worked his tail around her.
...Lilly scared him more than a hydra ever could.
...but he was attacked by some unknown assailant.
“No…” was all she uttered before Straw gave in, ...
“So, what do you want her to do?” Pine asked again, ...
... and Pine mentally sent instructions to Straw on what to do, ...
..., but they were very… submissive to it.
Pine pushed Straw gently off his still erect member and looked to Lemon, who ...
... though, based on what she had heard in her trance, it seemed like he/she (not really sure) had something else in mind.
She had given Pine a chance, and he ...
Lemon took the moment to kiss Pine deeply as she rode back down form her high, ...
..., but feeling their little hair (not sure) flutter against his tail was an amazing feeling, ...
Then again, he could get away with all by (not sure) using hypnosis on Lemon.
Straw especially enjoyed the lamia tightening around ...
..., I want you to put as much effort into resisting as you can.
Let me lift you off the ground, support your weight.
All you have to do is lean into it and ...
..., able to support her
hweight now without worrying about ...... , let my hypnosis take your mind and let your worries just wash away.
She couldn't resist Master Pine; he was everything that mattered.
Hope this helps a little
5697965 Dayum... You sir are thorough... Also, that's a lot of mistakes! O_O
Did you fix them or are you pointing out what needs fixing?
snake-pony yay i love snake-ponies. great story btw
5882224 Thank you glad you liked it! :)
This was a great read. I hope you plan to do a sequel as it was great. And don't smartphones have spell check?
5922905 I'm British might be spelt different here than where you live. Also, glad you liked it :)
5935510 Well I'm from Trinidad and Tobago in the Caribbean and in school I learnt both American and British spelling of words, so I might change between the two without realising I did. Makes sense right?
5935510 I'm also looking forward to you continuing this in another of your stories. Just put it in the header that it is a cross-over between this story and your other story/stories.
great read
fun fact: this is my first clop related fanfic to fav.
I don't usually like clops, but this one was too good to not fav.
5961818 Thanks.
First paragraph... And you already got the color switched. Is it supposed to be "Just looking at the entrance caused her bright yellow coat/fur to stand on end in fear, this place was not natural."
Just trying to help.
The first Lemon should be Pine.
You don't need the herself.
You need a question mark right there.
And yes, i know the story is old, but it's never to late to improve.
6092259 Hopefully I'll find time, thanks for pointing this out for me, but I got a lot of stuff to do first so it may take awhile, ^_^'
this might be an old story, but u left a loose end in it, Lilly is still at large and will likely still try something, be it foolish or not. while u did avoid a 'Chekovs Gun' scenario, it was not to the extent it could have been, not unless it was going to be addressed in a future story regarding Lilly and her apparent obsession with revenge
6467613 That was kinda the idea with the rp, leave something for people to think and imagine for themselves, we'll see Pine and Lemon again, but I don't think I'll be doing a conclusion to this, it was an rp and if I do a sequel I'd like it to be an rp turned into a story still. :)
Does she have a yellow mane or a blue mane?
Oh for crying out loud!! How many periods did you forget to put in after each sentence!!?
Can you do a sequel it would be a really good time to do it
ethereal lilac,
Ether Violet.
WHICH IS IT?