- Member Since 25th Nov, 2013
- offline last seen 5 hours ago
THEJamiboi
I write in my spare time, as a hobby and I would appriciate some feedback on any stories I write here on fimfiction.
THEJamiboi
Joined 25th Nov, 2013 ·
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THEJamiboi · 44k words · 59 11 · 2k views
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Oh, this looks like a lot of fun to read can't wait to see what the Lamina's do to all those ponies. I hope their aren't any redeeming qualities to the them. I hope to see more of the punishments they subject these ponies. Did they find a way to make lamina stallions with the ponies or are they all female, like in the other stories. Can't wait to see more of this story again soon.
8276526
There will be male lamias now, though not many as most lamia OC's I know and plan to use are female.
8292477
I figured it wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea, but thanks :)
Damn, I liked Shoe Shine I thought he was an interesting character to be a foil for Bolt despite being in the same boat as he is. Oh, I guess I will have to get use to it. I hope to see more of the way the Laminas control the population and how they normally recruit/capture new. I I doubt that Ruby will ever truly Let bolt go even if he manages go to impress the guests at the party. Well, I hope we will she Bolt get that collar like the rest of the staff has and get his trigger word too. Looking forward to see the next chapter.
8301379
He needs to get hypnotised first for the trigger, Polish never had one cause he was smart... To a certain extent it would appear, look forward to more in the future :)
Oh damn, I like this, the world setting where the WHOLE WORLD is under the hypnotic thrall of nagapones is genius and lovely to see, and the writing is spot on, also I love the casual vore, it adds such a nice element of danger, nice work.
8302921
Well, it's not the WHOLE world, it's Equestria as a whole, with a few small pockets who slip through the coils, but we'll go into detail of how that's dealt with later on~
Awesome chapter, it got everything that I was hopping for, slow burn indoctrination, the main character is leanly complete coward, all do I am not entirely sure that he would set some ponies to be eaten, but that could be fun to see that he sinks deep enough to be as bad as shoeshine became. I like the the description of the how the staff work and I hope you will be going into more detail into that later on.
Normally I am not much into vore stories but this one actually interest me and I can't wait to see how they go about preparing ponies to be served at the meal alive, it sound like fun how you're going to go about it. I wonder if they go as far as to tenderizes ponies with masseuses to and bathe them in special oils for some many hours. Maybe they could have lots of garnish on them while they are served or decorated to look like animals of even act the part maybe recite songs or poems just before being served to them, or tell them how they were prepared.
I wonder if we will see how they did the reforms in the education, how do they plan to replace the ponies that are eaten, I am guessing they would need to start quickly at the rate that ponies Ruby is eating them. I wonder if Bolt will be traded off or kidnapped by an other lamina and see how differently they are treating their servants.
I would love to see Bolt reduced to become a willing expert cook in preparing ponies for Laminas that would be funny to see that.
I am surprises that he wasn't given a snake collar before is there a reason for that?
By the way I would have loved to have had much more of a discretion of how the uniform looks like, I might be willing to draw it for you.
Lovely detail on all the snake stuff, I adore the idea that they sleep in 'Coils' even when they're not around Ruby, that they're so enthralled in her kingdom as to be so worshipful of them is lovely, and her enjoyment of teasing Bolt to fall into liking them as well is lovingly paced.
Wonderful work!
8334685
As for preparing ponies, you'll just have to wait till later on~ HEHEHE!
And, As for Bolt's collar, well I'm saving that for when he gives into temptation, the main idea is that since he isn't full staff he doesn't get one just a temp uniform, but when he 'stays on' he'll get it~ (Cause who can resist that sexy snek?) I do plan to show a vague idea of other lamias treatment at the dinner, ranging from kind, caring and gentle to rough and even sadistic if I'm feeling particularly dark, we'll see.
Uniform description: The uniform was a scaly red suit, or dress for mare’s, with a white collar around their necks with a purple lamia eye watching over their throats. The eye was actually a gem enchanted by the lamias and could pacify any pony if the lamia simply spoke a trigger word to it, no pony knew their own personal trigger word but they all feared to hear it, even those who enjoyed their disposition.
8334739
Thanks, I wanted to try out slow multi chapter submission, to see the gradual effects and, as he gets to a point he can't return from, the fruitless attempts to keep resisting and fighting back~
Oh, I live that your going with a slow burn for this story, love that you're going with only tastes just a little bit on bolt and that your doing well in exploring your universe
So far I like the way you go in your descriptions of how Bolt is being relaxed him into compliance and start to develop and addiction to the the company of laminas.
I wonder if we will see how the new staff are recruited and trained to do their work. I hope the next head butler will be as interesting as Polish was.
Looking forward to the next chapter
8364044
I do plan on showing Ruby's recruitment methods, just hope I do it justice.
This is such an interesting series but I always feel conflicted reading it. I love a lot of the content from the vore to the coiling and how it is all so well written. I guess my problem comes from it is just so dark, Spirals and Spices also had the same thing but there is just so much bad stuff going on (i.e. rape, murder, slavery, etc.) that it gets hard for me to keep wanting to read. I'll probably keep reading til the end because it's so good, but it will be hard considering the dark story content.
8365235
Spirals and Spices wasn't so bad cause consent and such, but this is meant to be just a spin off from it, a 'what if' that specific what if being; what if lamias conquered Equestria what would it be like?
Answer; hypno-themed paradise! :3
8365271
I mean there was a lot of stuff going on in the story that wasn't the main plot that was pretty bad like the unicorn supremacist that threatened bolts mom or the time Bolt started blaming himself for Ruby raping him the first time they had intercourse. Or you know, that town of lamias that had a literal gladiator arena to see ponies fight to the death along with having slaves who were referenced as sometimes getting mutilated (ripening of wings) or killed by the lamias. The story was still a little dark even if Bolt loved Ruby.
Oh this was a great chapter, I love the carriage strap. I thought it was interesting to see the resistance of the laminas and I home we will see more of Mustard and I can't wait to see what will happen to the others. can't wait to see what's going to happen next.
8392454
Hypnotic power is strong. That's the point.
8392454
Having your mind overpowered and controlled tends to be a pretty powerful tool, if that fails remember that snakes are all muscle and lamias are huge armoured half snake hybrids, they do have weaknesses but sadly for this lot they couldn't utilize them. As was said, they hate the cold.
8391893
Lamia-fy EVERYTHING!
Also, I do plan to have Mustard and the others return, but it won't be for long, hint hint :3
8393683
Heaven forbid there's some fun adventure to break up the unfy stuff.
Conceptually the idea didn't appeal to me. However, since Spiral and Spices was so GOOD... I thought I'd give this a shot.
There were several things that made me "hooked" and now I'm actually excited to read on. I'm still skeptical, but your writing style surely delivers!
Mphf~... Trigger words >~<
8396258
Can't wait to put some into usssse~
8393683
I think I'm gonna stay on the path I'm treading, I know there are a few problems story wise the major one being, as you said, the lamias taking over ALL of Equestria, even after hypnotising the entire Equestrian court and Hierarchy it'd still be near impossible even with their immense strength and mind control ability to take over, but it is a fantasy some impossible things are meant to happen for the sake of a good story. As for lamia weaknesses, I though I fleshed them out decently the cold and their pony body being armourless are two major things, especially since to take a lamia down you could just toss some ice cubes at them and most would fall flat sideways. I like this weakness as it means they are pretty much powerless during Winter, in terms of enforcing their will themselves.
As for side story quest things... I liked this chapter it was fun to make, if I think another good idea I will, sorry if it's not your favorite but don't worry, back to regular story next chapter :)
8395576
Heaven forbid indeed. XD
Ponies in these stories (and the prey in most vore stories no matter what species) are idiots. Sharp pointy weapons are very effective against evil sneks.
I know by experience.
8393683 Not to mention, the predators tend to ALWAYS be unsympathetic assholes. Add that to their indestructibility and impenetrable Plot Armor... and you have a form of the worst trope of all time: Vore Villain Sue.
I have seen COUNTLESS numbers of these fics on places like Furaffnity, and they just end up so painfully dull. There's absolutely no tension. You KNOW the predator will easily win and any prey creature who fights any of the predators will pathetically lose. It's not interesting at all.
8411859
Well aint you a ray of sunshine.
----
Anyway lovely new chapter! I do love that she's been trying to get Bolt to give into her coils for ages, but when she finally does she makes him WORK for it. It's classic training, now next time she offers, it'll be hard to say no as for a moment she displayed her ability to take away his new addiction. The massaging sections and their interactions are also lovely!
I also like that he hasn't quite given into the hypnosis yet, gives more room to grow and go forwards as the narrative continues. Lovely writing as usual.
8420117
Thanks for that, I didn't know how to respond to him without being a jerk or fanning the flames. XD
---
Thanks, slow and steady, Bolt is a tough nut to crack, but Ruby is enjoying it, and he doesn't have long left to resist~
great chapter, the best so far, it was great to see bolt starting to become addicted to be coiled lamina and even go as far as to cream to have it and even force himself into the coils. I think that Bold might have felt deep a little to quickly in my opinion, like now completely used to live there in less then three days, or how he didn't bat an eye at drinking the juice again willingly. I would have liked it more that in that they he started to slip into the role gradually without realizing it before he realize that he is doing it or that he becomes more antsy about wanting to be with her and end the day with being in full denial of the obvious. But it certainly didn't spoiled the experience for and it was enjoyable to read, I will be looking forward to see what will happen next.
8421127
I would have done it more gradually but I don't want to drag this story on longing than needs to, keeping the ball rolling is most important thing!
GAH! Stop teasing the idea with Ruby hypnoyizing Bolt! Bolt needs to make up his mind (or surrender it?) and just let it happen already! I mean... I'm TOTALLY not excited for that... Totally >_>
If there's any feedback I'd give is that I felt like Bolt's name was said a bit too much in the first two paragraghs. It was the first word in the first three sentences of the second paragragh and I spotted an occasional grammar mistake, although both issues are nothing to die about really.
It's kinda interesting how this conceptually plays out. I've seen how a mentallity can eventually surrender to something, but I've never seen a mentallity struggle to find resolve. It's so unique to find such a perfect mix of both danger and desire outside of anything that is considered a siren or succubus in fictional stories.
Anyways I myself am now falling greatly in love with lamias. You took what you described in Spiral and Spices and fattened the detail up so much further, I'm impressed. By impressed I mean that I may or may not have been hard for a good hunk of this chapter >___________>
8423540
Maybe we should hypnotise you so you may further temp Bolt by telling him how good it feels to have your mind obliterated~?
Sorry, but I don't like using 'he's 'him's or other such words as then THAT feel repetitive. But yeah I may over use the fact that I am establishing that Bolt is doing something sorry.
Glad you like the extra thicc coil descriptions :3
Naughty Boy, you need a good squeezing punishment!
Oh, this was probably the best chapter yet, and really makes up for the rushed feel of Bolt's corruption. It was great to see how Bolt realize that he is falling so easily into the conditioning, I wonder if it is because of Luna's doing that is tampering with his judgment? It was great to see that he is getting used to giving orders to the Enlighten and is becoming all to used to the idea of serving ponies to Lamina's. I wonder if Bolt will be turned into a fake at the end of the story. I wonder what happened to Twilight Sparkle and the rest of the Mane six? The walk in the part scene was great, to see bolt being taken on a walk like a dog and it great to see the new head butler for Ruby and I can't wait to see how the induction will go for him. It was interesting to see the that not all ponies served as pray art not permanently eaten and can be regurgitated later. I can't wait to see what will bolt will be manipulated into submitting to Ruby and that he is now addicted to the liquid now and Ruby has the idea of lasing his clothing with it.
I almost wished that my ponysona was in it like the others, but unfortunately I don't really have the time to do an art trade for it at the moment.
https://amalgamzaku.deviantart.com
Looking very much forward to see the next chapter.
8448894
I didn't show Alex's induction, you will only see the effects and have to guess what she did, as for Bolt, no, he won't be made into a fake, Ruby likes coiling him too much~ And Twilight will appear, alongside a few of the other mane 6 at the dinner, don't worry. And of course, some ponies need to spared or lamias would eat them all!
And Bolt is best pet, he will make a sweet little slave in the next chapter~ :P
(Not long until the dinner)
...I tried. I can't do anymore and I can't read any further.
Ruby here is the single most over-powered character I've seen in a fic. Combined with the super-dark setting and an almost psychopathic characterization, Ruby's gone from entertaining like your other fics with her to unredeemable even if you try. It almost pains me to say that because I like your other works, and even if Ruby is still over-powered sometimes there she's also at least a somewhat entertaining character. But with all that channeled into tyrannical dictator villain, it feels like it takes away some of what made her unique: I don't know about you, but it was, to me, an actually benevolent lamia among a host of villainous ones.
Ditto with the lamia species as a whole as portrayed here; even taking into account the fetish-based content, I can't separate it from the fact that they're seemingly mass-murderers in this continuity. It is especially jarring when this is the only story I've seen from you with that characterization of Ruby and the lamias as such. I'm used to seeing a cunning but otherwise mostly benevolent race, whereas here the setting has become bleak enough to pass almost into a state of apathy if it wasn't for Bolt. Even then, there's signs of hopelessness for the outcome, and enough that it's no longer suspenseful to read any further because it looks like there's no hope of even a small measure of victory.
You've improved on your writing a lot. Your grammatical errors are down from before, and your pacing is excellent. But, due to reasons of content, I cannot continue.
8459529
Well to each their own, I'm sorry you feel that way, but it is a dark work so I couldn't really have a cheerful lamia or anything, but yeah this isn't canon Ruby, and when I'm done, or if I find time, I do plan to do some more light hearted lamia works, so don't worry, alright? :) Just let those who want this story to continue and finish do so and be patient with me, and thanks for the feedback.
This is a very good story so far, keep up the good work
8474859
Thanks, glad you're liking it, even if it's a bit darker than the norm :)
8474908
You're welcome
I just reread the entire thing, and it’s a pretty good story! Not like other lamia/naga stories with... you know what. I can’t wait to see the turn this story takes.
8543077
Thanks glad you like it, and it's suppose to be a "You guess what happens here."
It takes place in the Spirals and Spices world I made so probably more lewds, coiling, hypnosis and then she lets them go~
This was another great read Ruby has now a firm foothold on Bolt's mind and now is own mind will conspire even more to erode his will. I think you really did a good job with the chapter nothing was too fast or too slow it was all just the right balance of both. I can't wait to see what will happen next.
8687409
Bolt will go further down the rabbit hole...
Or snake hole, either one~
And I'm glad you liked it :P
OMFG I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SO LONG!
I can't BELIEVE this is getting THAT much more interesting. I'm exploding with excitement on the inside!
Dual personallity wow I did NOT see that comming... Also I think I finally developed a fetish for lamias god dang it >_>
So so SO many more questions you're leaving me, the reader, off to wonder about. Will Bolt be aware of what Ruby did and how would he react if he finds out? How further will Ruby use Storm to abuse Bolt? WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THE DINNER IS OVER?!?!?
Jami you're killing me with excitment here, stop it xD
8691126
Question 1: next chapter. Question 2: All the remaining chapters.
Question 3: I don't know~
I really enjoyed this chapter, the descriptions of hypnosis, being warped in coils and eaten we're really neat. Keep up the good work.
8691442
Glad you liked it... maybe you should give it a try~?
8691511
Okay then, please step into this... 'orientation booth' >:) Just ignore the fact that it's entirely red and a bit damp we've had a bit of hard rain. Sorry for the cramp entrance, just keep crawling, you'll know when you're in the test room >:3