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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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See, children. This is how you write grimdark.
I feel so wonderfully dirty reading this. You've painted quite the twisted world, good sir.
43318
Thank you! I keep being worried I've over-done it in places.
Poor Twi...
Buddy bum bum bummmmmm Im Lovin It
43328 i have no idea all i know is that somehow you are getting me to read grim dark, which is quite the acomplishment. I love this :3
43318
Yes. That. Exactly that. There's no like, random senseless gore, or just endless horrifying murder here. No cheap shock values. It's not written to piss off the readers or make them throw up. It's just a really really well written story that happens to include horrible murder and eldritch horrors beyond mortal comprehension.
Not sure if Twilight counts as mortal in that sense anymore though.
The bit with Rarity was unexpected. I've never actually read a fic on this site which had that sort of "Bait and Switch" shipping. If Twilight gets with someone, it's because they're the pairing and she's going to stay that way. It's an interesting twist to see that she and Rarity hit it off well, but Rarity just didn't think they'd make a great couple.
I'd say I'm a bit surprised at how hard Twilight took it given how bland she felt over the whole thing, but I guess I can sympathize. It probably meant more to her, and she does apparently run off pure empathy and dreamstuff now. I wouldn't be surprised if she only felt quite so much emotional pain simply because Rarity was expecting it.
So that is it with Rarity? well I guess that debunked my previous comment about it going anywhere. Although now it feels like it was just shipping for the sake of it. However the rest was great which is why I am still reading. However, word of advice, do not do relationships. Though they can provide great story elements, it is one of the hardest to achieve correctly. In this story it just seems very jarring and unessassary. It kinda lost a little credibility with me at that moment. However seeing the romance tag I guess that is unnavoidable. Guess I'll see where that goes.
Just going to scribble down my thoughts on this now while they're fresh.
First of all, really great story. The description grabbed me, I was impressed by the in medias res format, and the story really hits its stride once they enter the Hedge. I'd imagine anyone unfamiliar with the White Wolf games might be a little lost, but I felt fairly comfortable in the mythos when I made the connection (Twilight is totally a Crimson Court Wizened). I dropped a brick about... I'm not sure if I'm far enough into the story to be sure about it, but I have my speculations about Pinkie Pie. But if I am, well played, sir.
One thing I will point out is that the first chapter is a bit rocky; the scene changes aren't marked and it's quite hard to visualise. It's hard to know what's going on until chapter two, and it's only by chapter three that the reader feels comfortable in a continuous narrative.
Anyway, on with the story!
Love this story, it's dark, it's mysterious but at the same time you feel there is somewhere light at the end of the tunnel. The only thing I have to say is that this story till here needs more Fluttershy and Dash. But I guess their time will come...
And I found 1 little mistake:
"organs removed and she skin from her sides"
In the third chunk of text in this chapter. This has to be:
"organs removed and the skin from her sides"
My cheif reaction to this chapter: D'awing at Twilight and the Homeless pony. Something tells me that the Homeless pony is either the murderer or will be a big help in caatching him. (or neither and I'm reading things into a conveniant pony for Twi to travel through (Does that sound wrong to anyone else?)
Twilight falling for Rarity did not look like it came from Twilight. Instead it feels like the emotions came from Rarity and Twilight's new status as a Fae made her vulnerable to Rarity's emotions. just a WAG
Aaaaaand you just added a chapter 38. Unhappy face. >:C You just don't want me to catch up EVAR do you? DO YOU?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?! Lol.
72411 well, piss me off it did, back when I first read this chapter...
Was there a reason why Rarity didn't mention the whole target thing ad Celestia?
4581933 "Hey Twilight before I forget I'm also braking up with you because Celestia told I should as it would be hazardous to my health and/or could get me killed." While I'm sure she would phrase it better than that, that also gives Twilight both reason to feel that its her falt and/or someone(pony) else to be mad at for the brake up. At least thats how I see it, I think theres not many ways she could have done it much better.
5859745 I actually think theres more to what happened than this. it happened way too fast and Ended just as quickly, I think it may have to do with Twilights "emotional feedback" Somehow
6921804
Prolly Rari was horny, so they did the thing in the place, then Rari was like oh I can't, so the feedback is like 100 to 0 and reduced her energy levels, maybeeeee.