31 Distant by Michelle Twistaloo
Distant by Michelle Twistaloo
Her eyes locked in the distance, she was the perfect image of contemplation.
The reason of that contemplation? Vinyl “Dj Pon3” scratch. The white unicorn with a electric blue mane was in her thoughts, and had been for the better part of the afternoon.
She didn’t exactly consider herself “pooch”, sure she had high-class mannerisms, but the insult, it was uncalled for, she knew how to have fun! She wasn’t just a boring old arse!
Then again....and that was the reason of the contemplation.....she wasn’t as wild or as crazy as Vinyl. And though they were similar in age, their personalities couldn’t be any less opposed.
The way she smiled.....the smell of liquor on her breath, the way she shook hear mane widly, as opposed to her perfectly combed one....it all seemed like a dream, a distant place where she couldn’t get to.
Not without leaving behind her morals, at least, but she could go that distance, one night wouldn’t really hurt her, would it?
The distance......a non specific point where her eyes centered, a big great blue, like the ocean, or the sky....
As if taken by a totally different mare she decided to go the distance, it didn’t matter if she wasn’t wearing any makeup, the strong night-club lights would melt them, or combed, she would dance until it wasn’t anyway....
She just had to cross it.
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It carried with it a sense of intrigue, wistfulness...
It carried with it a sense of disappointment someone managed to mangle the written word this badly in so few words.
Ah look, for a second time I get downvoted for criticism instead of someone trying to debate me. Joy.
Instead of blindly supporting poor writers, why not tell them when they've disappointed us?
5193820
Criticism isn't automatically valid in the absence of direct insults. You seem to be a bit passively aggressive, and you emulate a few of my words in that same manner, as though you're taking my hand to harm the author with. This suggests you're making fun of the story in question. Had you been a bit more neutral in your approach, people would debate or respect your opinion. Therefore, I can't agree with you.
5195932
I emulate your comments only because when you give simpering praise to a story that does not deserve it, it bothers me.
And I am making fun of the stories in question. I am mocking them for their lack of professionalism. They clearly haven't spent the small amount time editing these snippets of grammatical horror that would be needed to fix them. At that point, I personally will not devote more time than is necessary to tell them that they have failed.
5196077
I choose not to judge a story based on a level much higher than the story was intended for. Most of the people here write for fun, and write swiftly. That, however, does not make a story bad. I feel that these stories are decent, and at a level that I can enjoy and praise. Whether or not they're "professionally" written is of no importance, because they're always created with dedication. These are, after all, fan fiction, and they can be written by anyone.
And that is precisely why you need not be here, and why we won't readily accept your opinion. Mocking a story based on your own subjective interpretation is immature, regardless of how skilled you are at analyzing a story. It tends to render your opinion invalid.
Not to mention that you are no more important than the rest of us. Demanding that you be heeded is a bit selfish, and does not help you at all. People are more willing to listen if you present yourself accordingly. Besides, debate like what you sought is irrelevant to this comment section. If you must complain, bring it elsewhere, otherwise please remain silent. All you accomplish is annoying people and potentially being regarded as a cyberbully of some sort. A comment section is not a place for a war of any size.
5196093
And therein lies the greatest tragedy of fan fiction. The idea that the writing here can be poorly done simply because it is not going to be professionally published. Perhaps I am simply in the minority of believing that all writers, no matter where they show off their work, should hold themselves to a higher standard and try to give their readers the best experience possible.
And no, I'm not any more important than you or any one else. What I am, however, is equal to you, and as such, my comments bear the weight of a reader at all times.
Finally, Sweet Crystal Dragon Jesus, what the fuck do you think a comment section is for? It is the perfect place for debate. I am here to defend my right to complain or praise as I see fit, while you are here to belittle me and place an unwarranted and unneeded barrier between myself and everyone else reading this collab.
Apparently I need to expand upon my criticism, which I will be sure to do.
5196159
One man's trash is another's treasure. The idea of fan fiction is not that you have an excuse to write poorly, as evident by the existence of troll fiction, but that you aren't to be belittled for trying if it just so happens that your fiction isn't on par with Stephen King's works. Therefore, I choose not to believe everything should be professional. It can be, but that's just a bonus. I can enjoy simple fiction, and those who write something I enjoy deserve at least that much praise. It isn't undeserved. It's common courtesy to appreciate when others take the time to write something and share it with others. If you don't like it, then you're free to do so. However, should you choose to voice that dissatisfaction, please do so in a way that can benefit the author rather than complaining about the things you find unsatisfactory. Particularly if you can't be civil and respectful as you decree your discontent.
If you become less terse and more helpful, then such would be welcome in a comment section. It bothers me that people think it acceptable to all but attack fiction or the authors themselves in the name of free speech. "You're free to have your opinion, but we don't need to hear it." If it inspires negativity, depression, hatred or scorn, then it isn't needed.
5196175
Very well. I just wrote a more in-depth criticism for the first story I 'attacked', so I'll do one here as well.
So this is 229 words long. It takes a lot of skill to make a compelling short story in that few words, so don't feel too bad about failing on that front.
It should either be 'Her eyes looked into the distance, the perfect image of contemplation' or 'Her eyes were locked on the distance, she was the perfect image of contemplation'
Question marks and exclamation marks should never be used outside of dialogue. The first part two sentences here should be one, and the third possibly as well.
Then we get this shift in tone. The first line set up what our dear Divine Path called a sense of wistfulness, but now I just feel like I've had ice water poured down my back. What is pooch? I presume it's slang, but Octavia by and far is presented as a mare of many words, and none of them slang. Did Vinyl call her pooch? Why is she insulted by it then? As for the rest of the sentences, way too many exclamation marks. Would Octavia really think in terms of "not being a boring old arse"?
I've taken this chunk all at once because of the overabundance of ellipsis. First off, an ellipsis has exactly three periods in it, no more, no less.
This section isn't all terrible, but what good it has in terms of rather poetic wording is negated by the poor format. I almost want this part to switch to a poem instead of this mangled bit of prose. I had difficulty reading this section just because it got confusing and twisting at some parts, which really killed a lot of the imagery for me.
Then this penultimate sentence goes all wonky in terms of tense, making things just that much more confusing.
229 words isn't enough to tell a good story. It felt like the author just ran out of idea by the end and finished it there. Just a hint, if you can't write more than a couple hundred words for something, you probably don't have enough interest in it to do it justice, and your time would be better spent writing things that do actually inspire you.
5196176
I would say this is a far more fair review, though I don't agree with you that it's necessairly pointless. It's simply a story without conflict. Those exist too.
It was simply focusing on the bliss of love.
5196196
Please note that I had said "all but attacked." You were not entirely hostile, but you were approaching that line. That shouldn't happen.
People not native to English speaking countries seem to find punctutation intriguing. I tend to look past that, because I enjoyed the flow of the story near unbroken by the format. While it may not be the most well presented of Michelle's works, I believe the story itself is good, and that's why I praised it. Michelle is a writer of varied quality, but at least she's prolific and decent. Potency~
The narrator represents Vinyl's emotions to a degree, which would be why they inquire and cogitate. I too make use of an indirect omniscient narrator when writing.
Whether or not one decided to rush things, particularly when writing for a group project shouldn't really be of concern. This is an amateur's anthology with a few intermediate users, and advanced users mixed in.
Michelle's previously submitted chapters may be more appealing to you. I'm partial to Sinner, although you might enjoy Mouse more.
5196269
I had no problems with Michelle's other chapters, they were fine in my book. This one, however, fell flat, and I judge writers based on each individual work rather than as an amalgamation of everything they've ever written. I suspect we will continue to disagree on the role of professionalism in fan fiction, but very well. You've made your points, I've made mine, let us part now without antagonizing each other more.
5197187
Then I would simply recommend you comment when you like something as well as when you don't. It makes things a bit more pleasant around here.
I'm glad we could at least have a nice conversation in the end.
5196196 Thank you ever so kindly for the review! I seem to not get enough of those. This isn't my best work, by a long shot, and I can barely remember writing it, let me look at it.
The fact that I wrote it and do not remember writing it should speak for the amount of care this snippet took. It was far too little, and looking at it through half awoken eyes, it still doesn't make sense.
I am filled with regret with the hostilities your position caused. Blantly, I'm sorry people didn't respect your opinion.
I have a soft spot for this snippet here, but it's probably because I wrote it. But I respect your opinion, it's critical, it helps me improve, and I thank you for it.
Although it depends on what the intent of the story is, here's one in 100 words (slightly more if you count the contractions)
"The closing of the distance, the warm breathes together, the hugs, the kisses, the touching, the furiously drifting downwards of his hands over her back, and lower.
“What would they say” – She half smiled at the question she herself was asking. – “If they knew of our relationship?”
The stoic figure stopped feeling up the smaller girl as he contorted a reply. Probably something embarrassing to the both of them, he figured, but that wasn’t the answer she was looking for, she needed hope, reassurance.
“They would say...” – he pressed his lips to hers – “That I am one lucky man.”
"
Word counts them as 99, but if you don't contract words it may be slightly more, even then, I failed at my intent. I'm sorry.
5197241 Needlessly said is that I am fine with criticism. But thank you for standing by my side in this fight! I relinquish you of your duty (For now).