Heart by Ratsenkio
The date had gone really good.
Since leaving the house they had a picnic on the park under the shade of a big tree, spend the afternoon walking through the park smiling and laughing with each other, took a nap under the same tree they ate their lunch and now, they were dining in that little restaurant that opened a few weeks ago.
Now, while it wasn’t strange seeing them spending time together, this was a very special occasion for them. This was their second dating anniversary.
“It’s been really good so far” Thought Vinyl, “I even got reservations in the restaurant that Tavi wanted to go”
“So, how do you like this date so far?” Asked Vinyl.
“Oh, it’s been wonderful, dear” Said Octavia, “The picnic was wonderful, the walk was really nice, the nap with you under that tree was really refreshing, and now you surprise me with a reservation to this restaurant. I must say, you outdid yourself with this”
“I’m glad you liked it” Said Vinyl.
When they finished dining and Octavia was getting ready to go, Vinyl stopped her and said there was a little surprise that she had for her.
Vinyl stood from the chair and walked right next to the still sitting Octavia.
“Octavia” Vinyl started, “It’s been two years since we started dating, you supported me, you stood right beside me, you made me laugh, you made me happy, you made me better”
Octavia’s eyes started to water, having a little suspicion were this was going.
“I know I’m not that smart, I know I’m obnoxious at times, I know I’m not that nice when I’m under stress. But one thing I am is grateful towards the things you continuously do for me.”
Vinyl sat on her haunches and extracted a little black box for her saddlebags.
“I don’t have a lot to give you. In fact there’s only one thing that I can truly give you” Vinyl opened the box and inside was a necklace with a trebleclef and a reversed double eighth note entwined. Much like their cutiemarks.
“All I can really give you is my heart and all the love that comes with it, for all of eternity” Vinyl said.
By now Octavia’s eyes were covered in tears, and every single head in the restaurant was turned towards them in sheer expectancy.
“Octavia Treble Philharmonica, Will you marry me?” Finally asked Vinyl.
Even while soaked in tears Octavia jumped from her seat towards Vinyl and almost shouted “Of course I will!”.
To that, everypony in the restaurant forgot their dinner and started to cheer in congratulations for the two embracing mares and the new part of their life that the were starting.
Together.
How awfully sweet.
How awfully written, more like.
I like it.
A more in-depth criticism.
Grammatically speaking, it should be really well, but I suppose this being more or less Vinyl's head, some leeway is to be had.
The first sentence is run on like crazy, we get easily lost about halfway through. This line should be split into at least two. Next line is decent, but the one after is awkward. What is a 'dating anniversary'? You mean the second anniversary of their relationship, perhaps.
Oh where do I start. This is simply not how dialogue is formatted. Properly, this should be edited to read
That doesn't fix the problems with the actual dialogue, but it fixes the most garish errors.
Now, most of the rest of this snippet is rife with dialogue formatting errors and a few truncated sentences, but in terms of exploring the point of these short short stories, there is no good build up, it seems so very simple that I feel I have been lessened for having read it. Vinyl and Octavia go on a date, great, which immediately segues into the most cliched scene you'll ever find. And surprise surprise, engagement and happiness. No emotional touches, no reason to care about this happening other than the fact that we like Vinyl and Octavia.