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This story is a sequel to Summertime Sadness
Three new students show up one day at Ponyville school- right in time to start the new year. But what if they're more magically than they appear?
Join Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom as they battle against mysterious forces, learn about Equestria's past, make new friends- and even a few enemies.
Wrote during season 4.
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I think Derpy will come back and buy more muffins. LOL
Can't wait to be the author of this!
Poor Sweetie Belle.
I really like how the story is going so far, and I have some ideas/ suggestions for you:
1. Lovitar- From the description you've made of her, she sound sort of like a prettied-up version of Diamond Tiara- and that's what I think she should be. In the way that DT is a foil for mainly Apple Bloom, Lovitar would be a foil for mainly Sweetie Belle. She would do the regular bully-like things, but she would take them to the next level, such as stealing SB's things, publicly humiliating her, and teasing Sweetie about her mane, clothes, voice, and lack of cutie mark, but Lovitar would then do something worse, much like the way DT did in flight to the finish. Lovitar would find Sweetie Belle's biggest insecurity (ex. publicly comparing her to Rarity and saying that she'll always be ugly and clumsy) and thus causing Sweetie to feel some major inner turmoil (even to the point of depression). I think this would be and interesting take on the stereotypical DT attitude and turn it in a direction better suited for an amped up Babs Seed.
2. Ryon- The way that you portrayed Scootaloo as being rather standoffish towards colts could make for some very interesting character conflict. My idea is that Scootaloo will try in vain to get Ryon's attentions by acting like "one of the guys", only to find out that he is crushing another filly in her class: Apple Bloom. I think that would make for some more intense conflict on Scootaloo's part. If Ryon is crushing on AB, then Scoots could potentially become insanely jealous and bitter towards AB, while our favorite bow-toting filly has absolutely no idea why Scootaloo is so mad at her. And according to the description, the CMC are going to be driven apart by one of the new kids. And if the new kid could drive the CMC apart by love instead of fear, then that could switch the story around from being rather cliche to being vivid and intense.
3. Wording- Although I spotted only a few minor grammatical flaws, the real problem I had was with the chapter lengths. In most reader's and writer's opinion's, no chapter should be shorter than 1,000 words. To be blunt, it feels like a bit of a let down when a chapter is less than 1,000 words because it feels like it should only be a snippet of a chapter. In future chapters, please consider this.
And there you have it. BTW, If you ever need an editor, then just send me a PM. Happy writing!
5178352 Thanks for all the great ideas! I might even consider using some. And I'm going to make the next chapter longer, possibly 1000 words or more. Thank you again for the advice, it helps me as an author.
I'm guessing that Lovitar, Ryon, and Irothrust are all a part of some satanic cult or something. Am I right?
5196905 I wouldn't call it 'satanic'; but you are partially right. To avoid giving spoilers, I'll just stop typing now...
Come on, I didn't do that good! And what do you mean, 'editor'?
You is ate so funny! Almost as funny as me and Lightning!
Lol *guys are
Ah, time for a little review. I may be a bit harsh, but it's all in the name of fair, honest criticism.
Wow! Thanks, Sweetie, clearly niether I as a reader nor Apple Bloom and Scootaloo had any idea that you were in a 'cutie mark crusader club that you have'. Come on, that's just unnecessary exposition.
Not a Southern accent.
If I didn't actually know what Cheerilee looked like, this description would in no way help me learn.
Also, Cheerliee doesn't know that she has three new students? She doesn't plan on introducing them to the rest of the class? It's a time honored tradition of media as a well accepted form of exposition, giving us names and some backstory.
Oh, no. Hey, Mr. Author. Is your name Ryon IRL, by any chance? Cause this guy seems like the perfect douchey OC self-insert type. So, couple of things wrong here that were gonna get rid of all in one go. Ryon is not a pony name, it is douche's name. Loviatar is not a pony name, it's a Pokemon's name. Irothrust is not a pony name, it's an anime battle cry. None of these are pony names, and if that is going to be a plot point, it needs to be foreshadowed from this point on.
Oh, and Ryon's entrance suddenly sparking a side of Scootaloo we've never seen, with no explanation other than hot-guy-is-hot? Yeah, that's real immersion breaking.
On to the next chapter!
The three fillies is redundant, we know the CMCs are all female.
Still not a Southern accent. Now let's get into the meat of the problem. Apple Bloom's irrational hatred for 'Anime Battle Cry' is entirely OOC. Apple Bloom was unafraid of Zecora and wanted to canonically meet her. She has nothing against a pony who acts shy and silent, especially when she knows Fluttershy. Apple Bloom would want to make friends with 'Anime Battle Cry', not just start hating her.
I presume this should be 'busy little town'.
Scoots would never think like this. She would possibly think, hey let's all be Cutie Mark Crusader Baker Assistants. She would not think 'Hey, this is something I would do on my own. Maybe I can get my cutie mark without my two best friends.' Now, setting this up as foreshadowing and then giving her a good reason to take the job several chapters later, sure, that's all good. At this point, it's just too rushed to feel natural.
On to the next chapter!
We know Sweetie is both a unicorn and Apple Bloom's friend.
Not a Southern accent. Also, good job for making Apple Bloom yet again sound like a crazy person. Who just randomly tells someone to stop daydreaming because it's irritating them? The only people irritated by that are psychotic, which, to be fair, you're making Apple Bloom out to be.
Hey, look, a Southern accent!. Too bad it disappears soon...
This burns my eyes. First of all, why is 'Meanies' just sitting there? Second, this is not how cliffhangers work. Seriously, you should never, ever, ever put something like 'But who?' in a piece of narrative prose. Second of all, there is literally no tension in this scene. Apple Bloom walks into somepony. That's it, nothing else, nothing to make it seem ominous or important, other than your sloppily added question which breaks the small amount of immersion I still had.
So it turns out Apple Bloom is the only psychopath in the CMC. Sweetie is, too. We know Sweetie. Sure, she likes to be pretty. Sure, she likes to do artistic things, but at the same time, this is the filly who could burn down a house trying to cook and regularly gets covered in tree sap. She is not this shallow. She doesn't care that 'Pokemon name' is prettier than her and she would never think she'd been given the evil eye. Come on, Sweetie can be a little out of it at the best of times.
On to the next chapter!
Whew. Lot's gone wrong, and in so few words! First, how many wives does Mr. Cake have? I think you must mean 'in his and his wife's bakery'.
Second, Scootaloo comes in and just fucking nods. I can only imagine that it sounded hella badass in your head, but it makes no sense at all! Who just walks in and nods? Who would ever think that that means she wants a job. Mr. Cake would be better off imagining that she wanted to buy something than that she wanted to apply for the job. Nods without speaking are not a thing in written media for a reason.
Not a Southern accent. Terrible exposition. Raging psychotic Apple Bloom on the loose. 'Anime Battle Cry' is a character who makes no sense and apparently has no reason to act like a real living sentient being.
Why is 'Pokemon name' sneering but getting applauded in those actions by Apple Bloom? Why is Apple Bloom not apologizing and acting kind like she actually is instead of the raging psychopath you've made her out to be?! Why is Sweetie gettiing shallower and shallower by the second? Is that what your idea of the female mind is? Am I pretty today? Am I prettier than her today?
I don't even want to quote the last part cause so much of it was fucked up. Scoots and Apple Bloom turn on Sweetie pretty quick. Apple Bloom would've noticed Sweetie was feeling off. Sweetie, on the other hand, still has this stupid fascination with being prettier than 'Pokemon name'.
Oh, whatever.
On to the next chapter!
Hey look! A Southern accent! Bet it'll disappear again. Second, you're saying that two of the CMC let a third just up and walk off without keeping track of her. They're fucking inseparable. And very close friends! They don't saying 'I don't know', they say 'I'm gonna go and try and find her'!
This is just a horrifically mangled piece of writing. I have no idea why you try and describe this, but it sounds so so bad.
So now 'Pokemon name' has supernatural issues. This is about the CMC. Yet instead of a slice of life growing up and getting older fic, it's gonna have some kind of cult. Great.
Up until here the scene was going fantastically. Then it hit a brick wall. Why would you call this an abduction. It is clearly closer to possession or some kind of mind control. Abducting someone is the same as kidnapping them. Possessing someone is to take control of their mind/body.
I don't really wanna critique the rest of this chapter. On to the next, and thank God it's the last one for now, because I'm not sure how much more I can stand.
Join us. Join us. Apple Bloom's non existent Southern accent is just as psychotic as ever. CMC club is redundant. It is consistently referred to canonically as the CMC or the Cutie Mark Crusaders, not with a club at the end.
What point does this have? Is this just to foreshadow the evil that is 'Pokemon name'?
And then we come to the last scene. And it's a doozy. So Scoots has this seemingly random crush on 'Douche name'. That's fun and all, but it seems entirely OOC for her. She is rough and tumble, she idolizes Rainbow Dash, and spends her time doing stunts. I'm not saying she can't have a crush, but I am saying that she is in no way prepared to have a crush. This would be a perfect time to bring in Rainbow for a little heart to heart.
My energy has been drained by this ordeal, and though I have more to say, I think that I'll leave it for now.
5214176 I get the idea that you are reviewing my work, but I do have some things to say. First, almost every brony and pegasister knows that Apple Bloom has an accent. It's not that I'm lazy to the fact that she talks country, but it is fact that I am ignorant to the way she speaks. It's hard for me to write the words like how I would normally spell them with different letters to make different sounds. You get the idea that she's country, and so do I, and so does a lot of other people.
Second, I was using a little grammar term called adjectives. Does it ring a bell, from like, fifth grade? (Not trying to be rude, but really? Come on.) I wasn't trying to tell you exactly what she looked like because that would be a waste of time since most people reading my story would know her. I was just merely describing her.
No, Ryon is not my OC. (Blu_Ray is. But that's a different story.) I think it's cute that Scootaloo likes Ryon. If you read the rest of my story you'll understand that I am not making it a huge deal. And also, I made their names up according to what personality they will have later on. Back-stories are coming.
I am a first time author on fimfiction, and even though sometimes a little criticism can be helpful, please keep in mind that I am still learning. I am also planning a huge, surprise, reversal ending, so what might be happening in the 'present' chapters of the story might or might not be leading up to what you're thinking. (Depends on what you're thinking.) Like I said, this is my first story on here and I and still learning.
5214203 (I do apologize for the typo. You're right about it saying town.) And with Scootaloo's job decision, it's true that the CMC are getting older, and they are starting to think of themselves now. It doesn't mean that it'll happen, but I think that at least one member of the CMC need to have some kind of personal hobby, or in this case, job.
5214246 Once again, I was using adjectives. And I was trying to use a southern accent for Apple Bloom because one of my friends, Vanilla Mocha, gave me some advice. I wanted to test it out and see if I could type dialogue with a southern accent without making myself sound dumb.
Sometimes when you are trying to have a conversation with your friends and one of them is just sitting there looking into space, it can irritate you because they are ignoring you. Maybe not for you, but for many others it does. I'm not trying to make anyone sound crazy, but instead I was just trying to better explain Apple Bloom's feelings through her dialogue.
When I went to edit this, I was copying and pasting a lot. I think that because of that that's how 'Meanies' ended up where it is. I will take that off. Sorry. And about the 'But Who?', I had only wanted to leave a cliffhanger. Questions. Mystery. Dun dun dun.
I am trying to show Sweetie's personal feelings about things. When trying to do things for her family and friends, like you mentioned, she doesn't really care as much because her main focus is on them. But if you look closer into it, whenever Rarity does something better than her, she gets upset. (Season 4 episode 19, "For Whom Sweetie Belle Toils")
5214449
Okay, your little spiel on adjectives? All wrong. Redundancy is not a proper writing technique. Adjectives are used to describe something which needs further clarification. There are a thousand little details you can and should feel free to set describe further using adjectives. The points I pointed are all areas that are full of redundancy.
Questions and mystery are all well and good, but the 'But who?' totally gets rid of all mystery and takes the reader out of the zone.
All the remains to be discussed is the OOCness of it all, which, to be fair, can be argued so I'll leave my previously written words to speak for themselves.
I notice you also don't bring up any points about the names, which are one of the biggest sins in this entire fic in my book. None of your three OCs have pony names, and they should. Only one of them even has a human name, for hell's sake.
5214572 Can you just leave him alone? If rather be stuck with Diamond Tiara at the moment! You're being rude for absolutely no reason.
5236559 Thank you, Plum Rose!
The cliffhangers. Why?!
*Sigh...
5236559 5236748 5214572
I agree with my coltfriend Blu, Thank you Plum Rose.
Even though I know some ponies like to criticize, they don't need to make it look like they're trying to tear down other pony's stories. That's just being rude for no reason, like you said Plum. If they want to criticize other's stories, they should at least have one of their own. He's acting like a hypocrite since he doesn't. Who knows if he can even write stories. He acts like he can, but is there any proof? Currently he has no stories, but he's going around attacking other user's original fanfics. He needs to lay off if all he's going to do is attack. In fact, I would like to challenge him to actually write one. What do you think, Blu_Ray?
Look, I'm not trying to create any drama here. But he does need to lay off and stop tearing people down. That might be criticism, but that's also just plain attacking. I am just taking up for what's right. My overall message here is to just stop being so rude. If you want to get mad at me, go ahead. But I am still standing firm for the right arguement, which is Blu_Ray and Plum Rose right now. Yes, Blu might have some grammar mistakes. But he's not perfect. Plum Rose ain't perfect. I am not perfect. FoolRegnant isn't perfect, either. And I am not saying anypony is claiming to be perfect. It's just a reminder that even though criticism, and at some points it is okay, that you shouldn't take advantage and make the other brony's story seem horrible. I know that's probably not what you were aiming to do, FoolRegnant, but that's what it looked like from my perspective. Like I said, get mad at me if you want - this goes to anypony - but I'm still standing firm for what's right.
5237117 Thank you! I see so many attackers on the site! I hate how some people*cough cough* just attack for the fun of it!
5237117 5240814
Thank you, both of you. I agree with you both. Now, let's not carry on the argument if FoolRegnant's not gonna reply. (Not that I am complaining about, because I personally don't like to argue with people.)
Thanks again Plum Rose and Vanilla Mocha!
Gah, so suspenseful!!!!!
Aaahhh!!!!!!!! My future parents are in love!!!!! Squeeze!!!!!
Sorry, that last post was me, I was playing on Lightning's phone.
5251637 Haha I was about to say.... Lightning! You're not even married to Plum yet! But yeah, Vanilla does the same thing to me, stealing my phone. Luckily she hasn't commented on my account...
that I know of.
good chapter, poor ending. I'd revise this if i were you.
5258873 What should I have done different in the ending? I may or may not change it; but I do appreciate the honesty from my readers. It helps me as an author!
5286449
...............do more. now.
Love this chapter. Just curious, where did you get the names from? Someone probably already asked this but still...
5328102 Thank you! And it's ok. If you're talking about FoolRegnant, meh. I don't think he really cares how I got them; he just didn't like any of my story in general. Anyway, here is how I came up with the names:
For Loviatar I had to do a lot of research to find a name that would fit her personality. At first I tried using the thesaurus so that she could have a name like discord did; being named after what they do. But then I had a better idea: why not give her a deceiving name? (I guess that if some people haven't noticed, Loviatar isn't the nicest
personpony.) After searching the internet for I have no idea how long I came upon a Wikipedia entry. It was about a fictional evil goddess of pain and agony. Her name was also Loviatar.Irothrust- now she was hard. I wanted to give her a 'nickname' from Loviatar at the beginning of the story. Not exactly a nickname though, but rather an alias. At first I wanted to show Loviatar's 'bully' side of her personality, but then I felt like if I kept it hidden for a little while it would lead up to more suspicion. Anyway, for the first idea I had 'Iron Rust' (and that is a spoiler for later! Shh...) But then I decided to put them together and call her Irothrust. Plus, once she comes out of the shadows and such it'll (once again a spoiler) show her personality.
Ryon's name... like Irothrust's name, I had to tweak and pick at it. At first I wanted something like a real name (Ryon was my first character that I created out of these three.) I was thinking Ryan or something, but then I began thinking about my story and the plot, and a supernatural pony with a regular human name just doesn't work for me. So, I fixed the first time and got Rion, but that reminded me of Orion Solstice from the Rainbow Factory creepy-pasta. (he is also associated with Scootaloo in that story.) So after fixing it and changing some letters the second time, I came up with Ryon.
I hope these helped you!
5328928
I have no longer dear who regnant is but nice to know their history.
5328980 If you are asking about foolregnant, he was attacker towards my story. He had a problem with everything. But, at least he's not attacking now (I think he couldn't handle my story any longer.) He also asked about their names, but not the same way you did. He said I was using names from other places. But, people, or ponies, can have the same names.
If you're not, then sorry about the misunderstanding.
super awesome. luv this story!
5341472 Thank you!
First off, I've only read the description. I don't know if it's the wording, but something about it is confusing me. I'll put this on read it later, for now. (word of advise, I know you want there to be mystery, but try giving a little more detail on what happens)
5353551 Alright I'll check into that.
5354666 Well, the description makes sense now, but now it a little too strait forward. Try something like this,
Something like that. I can't really write what the best option is, because it's not my story, but I tried to give you something to work with based on what you had given, that gives enough description, to explain the basic plot without giving away important details.
Hope this helps, and that I'm not just being difficult.
5354714 I understand that you're trying to help, and I thank you for that. I will use your description; I see that I am the author I can't reword it to where my readers like it best. (Which is true.) Also, I have already gotten to that part of the story. I hope that helps clear things up.
I'm not trying to give away my whole story (because, really, I'm not. There's actually a lot more that I'm keeping secret until we get there.) I just felt like since I've already gotten to that part of the story I could put it in my description, but after reading yours and then thinking about the people that haven't read my story- well, I just thought that mine would capture more people's attention. But, like I said earlier, I think it is better to take one of my reader's opinions. Thank you.
BTW- I reworded/added a little bit of your description, but besides that it's the same.
5354800 I'm glad you found a combination that works. I have roughly 900 stories labeled as some form of read it later, and this would normally be near the bottom of the pile, but since you actually listened to someone's advice and diligently responded to them you've gained my respect. You get a follow, and I'll add this to my "high priority read it later" folder. That folder still has 55 stories including yours, but I'll get to it a lot faster.
5355199 Thank you very much!
This story is awesome