Mr.Cake hummed a cheerful tune while cleaning off the counter tops in he and his wives bakery. Suddenly there was a ring as the door opened. The yellow stallion turned, and saw a certain orange pegasus filly. Saying nothing, she nodded her head.
The sun was rising. Apple Bloom was making her way to school down the Ponyville dirt roads. Sweetie Bell was running late; Rarity was making her a pink dress. Sweetie wished that today she could be the graceful one.
Entering the schoolhouse was Ryon and Loviatar. Irothrust was already sitting in her seat at her wooden desk. Her big eyes scanned the room; she seemed scared.
Apple Bloom walked in. Looking at the gray-red pony with the black cape and hood, she rushed over and began yelling.
"You! You! That was you from yesterday! You bumped into me! You demanded apple seeds from me! You're the one! When I get my yellow hooves on you you're gonna regret it!" She yelled in the pony's face.
The pony sat there, however. She starred into Apple Bloom's angry eyes.
"Girls! Stop yelling! Apple Bloom! Go to your desk, now!" Ms.Cheerilee snapped at the fillies.
Apple Bloom pouted over to her seat. Having one last glance at Irothrust, she turned at began her work.
Sweetie Belle trotted inside. Her light pink dress with sparkles lit up the one-room schoolhouse. Matching pink horseshoes helped with the illumination.
"Sweetie Belle! You look amazing!" A familiar voice said from behind her.
"Thanks, Scoot!" Her voice cracked.
The unicorn pranced over to her seat and sat down. Scootaloo followed and stopped to sit at her assigned seat. Sweetie Belle began to sit as her dress began to rip. It was underneath Apple Bloom's chair, who sat on her left.
"Can you lift up for a minute, Apple Bloom?" Sweetie asked her friend.
"Uh, sure." Apple Bloom said, sitting up, pulling her chair up as well. But she was too late- the dress already had a rip.
Sweetie held back her sadness and tried to look on the bright side. "It's... it's okay... just a dress, right?" She quietly said.
"Yeah, Sweetie Belle, it's just a dress." Loviatar sarcastically sneered, poking her head out from the left side of Apple Bloom and looking down the row at Sweetie Belle.
"She's right. It's just a dress." Apple Bloom agreed, turning to look at the white pegasus.
"Yeah..." Sweetie mumbled, wanting to cry. This was my chance to be pretty. She already outdid me, and school has barely started.
Recess began, and the fillies and colts were let out to have free time on the small but sweet Ponyville Academy playground. As the others played the CMC had their meeting.
"I think we should invite the new pegasus girl." Apple Bloom suggested, "Ya'll know, the one that sits to my left."
"Yeah, I know." Sweetie Belle sighed.
"What's wrong, Sweetie?" Scootaloo asked, not daydreaming this time.
"I don't like her, uh, Loviatar, if that's her name. She sounded awfully sarcastic earlier." Sweetie Belle said.
"But you two would have a lot in common. You both like fashion, you both enjoy being pretty... you both wore dresses! Ooh! Did you see hers today? It was so pretty being long and flowing!" Apple Bloom said.
"That light pink silky dress with see-through black stockings for her hooves was just so beautiful!" Scootaloo added.
"Even Scoots liked it! Heh, whatd'ya know? And I just love how her mane and tail were done in braids, and how the small sparkles on the dress matched her hair color. She even had a small crown on her head, and it had a bright purple gem on it!" Apple Bloom admired.
Sweetie Belle sat in woe as her two friends commented about another filly's dress. "You liked my dress, right Scoot?" Sweetie Belle asked her orange pegasus friend.
"Yeah, it was alright." Scootaloo said, stuttering.
But I thought I looked amazing, Sweetie Belle thought. "I'll be right back." She said, and walked away into the midst of the other ponies.
Poor Sweetie Belle.
I really like how the story is going so far, and I have some ideas/ suggestions for you:
1. Lovitar- From the description you've made of her, she sound sort of like a prettied-up version of Diamond Tiara- and that's what I think she should be. In the way that DT is a foil for mainly Apple Bloom, Lovitar would be a foil for mainly Sweetie Belle. She would do the regular bully-like things, but she would take them to the next level, such as stealing SB's things, publicly humiliating her, and teasing Sweetie about her mane, clothes, voice, and lack of cutie mark, but Lovitar would then do something worse, much like the way DT did in flight to the finish. Lovitar would find Sweetie Belle's biggest insecurity (ex. publicly comparing her to Rarity and saying that she'll always be ugly and clumsy) and thus causing Sweetie to feel some major inner turmoil (even to the point of depression). I think this would be and interesting take on the stereotypical DT attitude and turn it in a direction better suited for an amped up Babs Seed.
2. Ryon- The way that you portrayed Scootaloo as being rather standoffish towards colts could make for some very interesting character conflict. My idea is that Scootaloo will try in vain to get Ryon's attentions by acting like "one of the guys", only to find out that he is crushing another filly in her class: Apple Bloom. I think that would make for some more intense conflict on Scootaloo's part. If Ryon is crushing on AB, then Scoots could potentially become insanely jealous and bitter towards AB, while our favorite bow-toting filly has absolutely no idea why Scootaloo is so mad at her. And according to the description, the CMC are going to be driven apart by one of the new kids. And if the new kid could drive the CMC apart by love instead of fear, then that could switch the story around from being rather cliche to being vivid and intense.
3. Wording- Although I spotted only a few minor grammatical flaws, the real problem I had was with the chapter lengths. In most reader's and writer's opinion's, no chapter should be shorter than 1,000 words. To be blunt, it feels like a bit of a let down when a chapter is less than 1,000 words because it feels like it should only be a snippet of a chapter. In future chapters, please consider this.
And there you have it. BTW, If you ever need an editor, then just send me a PM. Happy writing!
5178352 Thanks for all the great ideas! I might even consider using some. And I'm going to make the next chapter longer, possibly 1000 words or more. Thank you again for the advice, it helps me as an author.
Whew. Lot's gone wrong, and in so few words! First, how many wives does Mr. Cake have? I think you must mean 'in his and his wife's bakery'.
Second, Scootaloo comes in and just fucking nods. I can only imagine that it sounded hella badass in your head, but it makes no sense at all! Who just walks in and nods? Who would ever think that that means she wants a job. Mr. Cake would be better off imagining that she wanted to buy something than that she wanted to apply for the job. Nods without speaking are not a thing in written media for a reason.
Not a Southern accent. Terrible exposition. Raging psychotic Apple Bloom on the loose. 'Anime Battle Cry' is a character who makes no sense and apparently has no reason to act like a real living sentient being.
Why is 'Pokemon name' sneering but getting applauded in those actions by Apple Bloom? Why is Apple Bloom not apologizing and acting kind like she actually is instead of the raging psychopath you've made her out to be?! Why is Sweetie gettiing shallower and shallower by the second? Is that what your idea of the female mind is? Am I pretty today? Am I prettier than her today?
I don't even want to quote the last part cause so much of it was fucked up. Scoots and Apple Bloom turn on Sweetie pretty quick. Apple Bloom would've noticed Sweetie was feeling off. Sweetie, on the other hand, still has this stupid fascination with being prettier than 'Pokemon name'.
Oh, whatever.
On to the next chapter!
A good story, though Lovitar feels like a Diamond Tiara clone. I do like the jealousy angle.
poor sweetie belle