The CMC, still panting from their run, were now walking back to the grassy side of the playground.
"So, why were you talking to her?" Apple Bloom asked her unicorn friend.
"I- I don't know. She just seemed lonely, that's all." Sweetie Belle answered.
"Stick with us, Sweetie. We're your friends. Not her." Apple Bloom insisted.
How would you know? How come she can't join the CMC club? Why can't we just make any new friends? I don't want to leave you guys, but we shouldn't leave her either, Sweetie Belle thought.
On the other side of the yard, Snips, Snails, and Ryon sat under an oak tree talking. "So guys, how about this weekend?" Ryon asked the two earth ponies.
"I think that'll work out fine! Gee, I wish that today wasn't Tuesday. I want Saturday to start right now!" Snips said, nodding his head for visual approval.
"Yeah! I can't wait for the awesomeness that'll happen!" Snails commented.
"What awesomeness? Why aren't I involved?" Loviatar said in a sad baby tone, walking up beside her brother. Her cold, black shadow stretched across the ground, covering Snails.
"Oh, just something me and my new friends are doing this weekend." Ryon answered her, glancing at his new friends.
"What are you fellas going to do?" Loviatar continued her 'baby' voice.
"Just some guy stuff. You know, trade cards, meet up with a few other guys they're friends with, and stuff like that." Ryon continued, not wanting to tell his nosy sister about his plans.
"Oh." Loviatar sat down next to her brother, pushing him to the side to avoid sitting by Snips.
The school bell rang, and Ms. Cherrilee happily trotted out of the school building.
"Recess is over my little ponies!" She shouted.
The four ponies stood up and walked inside. The three colts ran, hurrying into the school building. Loviatar walked slowly, though. Then she stopped. She twisted her ears down, and squinted her eyes. Turning her head back in the direction of where Irothrust and Sweetie Belle had been, her eyes glowed a faint red. Then she looked back at the school building and continued normally walking to class. She knew she would be late. But Loviatar didn't care about school. She 'knew' that if anything could help her succeed in life, it would be power, and power alone. She was going to have plenty of that, if her plan worked itself the way it was supposed to.
After a few more classes, school was finally out. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle began to walk home along the dirt roads of Ponyville. Not Scootaloo, however. She had a job to do. She grabbed her saddlebag and ran to Sugar-cube Corner. Bursting through the doors and ringing the loud, yellow bell, Mrs. Cake awaited her presence. "Drop your stuff off here, darling. Go right around back there, and Mr. Cake'll be with you in a minute." She said, her rosy cheeks illuminating her entire face.
"Alright-ie." Scootaloo said, doing as the blue pony instructed.
She stood in the kitchen. The bell rang on the front door- perhaps a customer? Mr. Cake cantered into the kitchen with a few aprons in his hoof. "I've been looking forward to meeting you two trainees!" Mr. Cake said.
"Two?" Scootaloo asked. Turning her head at the kitchen door, she saw a pegasus. A brown furred pegasus.
"Sorry I'm a bit late." Ryon said.
Scootaloo's mouth dropped of joy. He's here! With me! We're going to work together! It's going to be awesome! Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! She thought, her wings slightly fluttering. She didn't want to be obvious. Shaking her head and looking away from her crush, and now staring at the dirty floor, she thought, What am I doing! It's just Ryon. Nopony special. Just Ryon. Do what Rainbow Dash would do. Wait, didn't she date Soarin or somepony like that? But Ryon, oh my gosh, he's- what am I thinking? No, Scoot! Don't like him. But I must like him! He's so- No!
She closed her eyes. Slowly inhaling, then following with the exhale, she calmed herself down.
"What do we do first?" Ryon asked, washing his hooves.
"That's a good way to start. Scootaloo, why don't you wash yours while Ryon gets his apron on?" Mr. Cake said.
"Al- alright." Scootaloo stuttered, happy that both her and Ryon's names were used in the same sentence.
"Excuse me, Mr. Cake, where's the towels?" Ryon asked.
"They're to the left of the sink, in the cabinet, yes, right there. Here, sit them up on the counter. Oh, and, oh yes, that looks good." Mr. Cake said, smiling.
As Scootaloo reached for the soap on the far left side of the sink, Ryon accidentally bumped her left front leg trying to sit the brown paper towels on the counter.
Startled, Scootaloo let out an "Oh!"
"Sorry! Did I hurt you?" Ryon asked, feeling very concerned.
"Oh, what? No, no, no! You're fine. I should've been looking at what I was doing. My fault. Not yours. Ha, ha." Scootaloo said, slightly blushing. She quickly turned her head so that Ryon wouldn't see.
"No, it's my fault. You're too perfect to be blamed." He said.
Scootaloo's eyes light up. Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! I talked to him, and he called me perfect! Scootaloo screamed in mind, wanting to scream it to the big, wide world of Equestria.
Ryon put on his apron, and turned his head away from Scootaloo. A small smile appeared on his face as he looked at the same old, dirty, tiled floor Scootaloo looked at.
Come on, I didn't do that good! And what do you mean, 'editor'?
You is ate so funny! Almost as funny as me and Lightning!
Lol *guys are
Join us. Join us. Apple Bloom's non existent Southern accent is just as psychotic as ever. CMC club is redundant. It is consistently referred to canonically as the CMC or the Cutie Mark Crusaders, not with a club at the end.
What point does this have? Is this just to foreshadow the evil that is 'Pokemon name'?
And then we come to the last scene. And it's a doozy. So Scoots has this seemingly random crush on 'Douche name'. That's fun and all, but it seems entirely OOC for her. She is rough and tumble, she idolizes Rainbow Dash, and spends her time doing stunts. I'm not saying she can't have a crush, but I am saying that she is in no way prepared to have a crush. This would be a perfect time to bring in Rainbow for a little heart to heart.
My energy has been drained by this ordeal, and though I have more to say, I think that I'll leave it for now.
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Okay, your little spiel on adjectives? All wrong. Redundancy is not a proper writing technique. Adjectives are used to describe something which needs further clarification. There are a thousand little details you can and should feel free to set describe further using adjectives. The points I pointed are all areas that are full of redundancy.
Questions and mystery are all well and good, but the 'But who?' totally gets rid of all mystery and takes the reader out of the zone.
All the remains to be discussed is the OOCness of it all, which, to be fair, can be argued so I'll leave my previously written words to speak for themselves.
I notice you also don't bring up any points about the names, which are one of the biggest sins in this entire fic in my book. None of your three OCs have pony names, and they should. Only one of them even has a human name, for hell's sake.
Yeah I’ve been reading stories to help me with my writers block although my previous stories got disapproved, Could I possibly have a proofreader when I’m done with the prologue, I’d really like the help...