Gone - Fimfiction

Gone

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It's her fault. That she-demon. That-that-well, my sister. She sent me to that bear cave so I would DIE! And she got her wish too. But now, instead of letting me die, I have to get revenge.

Chapters (2)

Prolouge-How I Died · 10th Jan 2015 · 683 words
683
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Chapter 1-My New Life · 10th Jan 2015 · 364 words
364
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Comments ( 9 )

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Blu_Ray

Blu_Ray #1 · Jan 11th, 2015 · 1 · · Prolouge-How I Died ·

That death though... ouch.

Blu_Ray

Blu_Ray #2 · Jan 11th, 2015 · 1 · · Chapter 1-My New Life ·

That picture is great!

Vanilla Mocha

Vanilla Mocha #3 · Jan 11th, 2015 · 1 · · Chapter 1-My New Life ·

Flim and Flam... that's pure genius right there.

Vanilla Treat

Vanilla Treat #4 · Jan 11th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1-My New Life ·

GOOOOOOOOOD WORK MAN! Yay

Pankrazius

Pankrazius #5 · Jan 11th, 2015 · 1 · 1 · Chapter 1-My New Life ·

Ok...

This concept is interesting.

But... really - this is more an outline for a story, than an actual story.
It is rushed to a point, where you just can't follow the events.

You have the fortune, that most of your readers know Flim and Flam. But, just imagine you write to an audience, not as fit in MLP. At least a bit of description would be fine.

Speaking of description - in your intro there was a bit more. But how should I attach to a character, who is barely describet as youngest, unloved child, wich gets killed in a gruesome way, just to be forced by unknown universal mechanics to take his revenge.
Don't get me wrong. To write a highly different approach to the MLP-background is no mistake. But it takes more work (in meaning of description and build-up) to get your readers attached to the story.

Espeacially as you describe situations wich are, say, unlikely. MLP is a show about, you know love, friendship, forgivness, redemption and so on. So without a proper explanation this whole setup, beginning with a murderous sister and the strange universal law of revenge is so far off, that my willing suspense of disbelief gets pushed on (over) my limit.

This lack of explanation induces a feeling of randomness. I couldn't connect or sympathize with the characters, so the few gruesome details just seeming to be gore for gore's sake.

At the moment this story is in no way bound to MLP. You can pull this plot in any arbitary universe as well. And just using ponybreeds and names dont connect a plot to an universe.

I don't know in wich direction this will go. But at the moment I have the feel, this story needs a hell lot of work.
But like said above - the concept itself is interesting. So please don't let discourage you - but maybe think about the one or another point.

Plum Rose

Plum Rose #6 · Jan 11th, 2015 · 2 · · Chapter 1-My New Life ·

5492041 I know it seems really forced, but the prolouge and first chapter were just so that everyone knows what's going on. More mlp related stuff will come, I promise.

Pankrazius

Pankrazius #7 · Jan 11th, 2015 · 1 · 1 · Chapter 1-My New Life ·

5492101
It was not meant as offense. And I don't doubt that there is more to come. And like said, the concept is interesting.

All I wanted to say is, that your start just deserves more description - as you are about to pull a really hard project.
Besides, this form of minimalistic description you use, creates the same feeling as really fast cuts in a film. This could work fine for pure action-sequences. But there - after the scene is set. For timelapses you could go a bit slower. Espeacially if you want to establish your character.

To brag a bit: I am about to experiment with pacing VS description in my actual story. Although I don't know how it works out in the end, I have a good feeling with it.

Blu_Ray