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Deus eX Equestria

“Twilight,” Celestia beckoned. Twilight grimaced and walked into the small room. Celestia and Luna had invited her up to the royal chambers for what they called her final test. Twilight took in the scene around her. Luna and Celestia were both lying on top of each other. The worst part was neither of them were wearing any clothes! Twilight frowned, ponies should wear clothes she thought. The royal bed creaked under the weight of Celestia’s large posterior and Luna’s incredibly fluffy belly. Luna winked at Twilight.

“So you know this is your final test, right?” she asked. Twilight nodded, swallowing tentatively.

“Then I want you to crawl under and-” Celestia began, but before she could finish there was a giggle beneath the bed. Celestia stopped. Twilight furrowed her brow.

“What’s my test?” she asked. Celestia waved her off. Twilight face became a scowl.

“I think there’s somepony under the bed,” Luna murmured. Twilight could see the fear on her face. The princess of the night may be one thing, but scared of the ponies under the bed she was. She wasn’t brave at all, she could take lessons from toasters on bravery, but Twilight doubted she would.

“Wait,” Celestia ordered, “I’ll blast the bed with some magic. That will take care of everything.”

“I don’t think you should do that?” Twilight insisted.

“Why?” Celestia asked her prized student. Her voice was full of venom, like a teenage mare who just wanted to take the day off of school but her parents wouldn’t let her even though she was passing all her courses and could easily make up the homework.

“Frankly,” Twilight said, unphased by the sheer attitude Celestia was laying down on her, “You shouldn’t cast magic on things you’re laying on.”

“Poppycock!” Luna swore. “Light it up, sis!” Celestia’s horn started to glow in that familiar putrescent green light that came whenever she was thinking about casting dangerous magic. “Oh,” Luna muttered, “Twilight might have been right.” She was, but it was too late. The bed burst into a bright-red flame. Celestia and Luna leapt off to the side as the bed went flying into the sky, breaking through the roof. In it’s place stood another human.

“I’mma jus’ hidin’ from the necromorphs,” Isaac Clarke explained. “And maybe I was hoping for some...” He looked around the room at the three angry mares. Two of which were angry at him and one that was just angry in general. “I’ll just forget about that last bit then.”

“Twilight!” Celestia screamed, “Get rid of these humans!” Twilight groaned and gripped the human in a magical tendril. Together they left the room, Isaac bemoaning his poor luck.

“What are you doing?” She asked the man. “Don’t you know that this is, uh, out of limits?” He shook his head. “I’ve got to do something with you humans, and I know just the thing!” Twilight knew exactly what to do. Long ago her friend Pinkie had summoned clones from a mirror in a lake and Twilight had has to use delicate magic to blast them to smithereens in front of her friends. Seemingly Isaac knew what she was going to do. He’d had a habit of being where he shouldn’t be. He swallowed on a lump that had formed in his throat.

“I came here to escape it,” he said solemnly. “Don’t send me back there.” Twilight looked at him thoughtfully for a second. She brushed away the thought and lay into him with a sickly green laser.

The beam hit Isaac and faded. Clarke looked sad for a moment, staring mournfully at his own hands, as if they had held something important just then. They were the first to fade, slowing deteriorating into a fine dust that spiraled up into the air and out the window.

For the next three days Twilight stalked Canterlot and Ponyville, the only places the humans seemed to congregate. Few had left but they all returned eventually, never straying for long. Even Trixie’s slaves came back time and time again.

She found them all in time. Tony Hawk she found at Ponyville’s newly created skatepark, the only one in Equestria. He stood with Rainbow Dash, watching young colts and fillies do mad tricks on the pipes and rails. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw her approach.

“You’re real gnarly,” he murmured, gripping his skateboard tight. “I was making a difference.”

Starkiller, Darth Vader, and Draven she got all at the same time. They stood around Trixie’s cart, waiting for something to do and showing off their rippling muscles. All, of course, except for Starkiller who was scrawny. Twilight noticed that Draven had lightsabers where his axes had been. She took them all out before they could even draw their weapons.

“What’s the purpose of this?” she wondered aloud.

Her next marks she caught by surprise. Ramirez was too busy defending Sugarcube Corner by himself. Spock was busy loving Rarity the way only a vulcan can love a mare. Legolas and Gandalf were both commiserating on how strange the world was without deadly rings. Jack went without description because he never really made it to Equestria. Stephen King too, because he wrote himself out of it with his next Dark Tower novel. John Johnson and the Space marine were gone along ago from a deadly, deadly poison eating contest. All that and more fell to Twilight’s blast until at last she went to her home, content with the days slaying’s only to find she wasn’t close to alone.

Inside her humblest abode of a free house with several floors, walk-in closets, two baths, and a kitchen, she found a small army of humans, waiting for her. None other than the Buddhist Monk, All of Bill and Ted’s friends minus Bill and Ted, Romero, Billy Mays, Walter White, Rarity, and Jack Sparrow. Twilight took a step back when she saw them all.

“Surprise attacks are most dishonorable, young Twilight,” the monk stated. “Bad karma.” They were all looking at her, edging closer and closer. Except for Rarity, who stood back. She looked out of place, only there to please her friend Walter White.

“I can explain,” she started to explain, but Billy Mays stopped her.

“Stop right there!” he yelled at the top of his lungs, filling the air with charisma and boyish charm. “If you order one flank-kicking right now, get ten more absolutely free.”

What progressed was perhaps the single most violent scene that ever occurred in Pony history. Even more violent than the pie fights of old Appleloosa. No one was spared from bone breaking agony and scratches and scuffs. Several books were burned, Spike’s memory was scarred forever, and Rarity had a hair plucked out of her beautiful mane.

When the dust clouds had settled, only Twilight and the mighty Socrates remained. He had tricked the rest of the humans to fight for him, to weaken Twilight where he could win in a one on one fight. The oracle of Delphi had been right in calling him the wisest. Even the Monk had had nothing on Socrates wise brain. He smirked.

“Time to take a ride on the pain train,” Socrates beckoned her. He had his hands up, waiving for her to charge him.

“That’s not like you at all,” Twilight spat. “You used to say things that meant stuff. Now your words are hollow and empty and don’t mean anything at all. You’ve changed, man.”

“I’ve still got my wits about me,” he said. “You were the one who attacked us.”

“Well...” Twilight started, “Celestia told me too.”

“A mare chooses,” A strange voice from upstairs said, “A slave obeys.” From the stairs descended another man, this one in a finely tailored suit. “Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his own brow?” Twilight shot him again before he could spout more anti-communist propaganda. But even as he disappeared and the Red Fever took over the room again there was a bang behind her.

“Reagan-Man is here to save the Democracies!” the Star-Spangled president proclaimed. Ronald Reagan was back! Twilight turned to erase him from Equestria but he ran with the speed of a flying eagle that was both old and had to walk. Twilight turned around only to see Socrates holding Reagan-Man as a hostage.

“Would you erase the greatest hero that ever flew around Equestria?” He demanded. Twilight thought for a hot second. He was a hero and he had saved the day a few times. But work was work and she blasted him like anyone else. She grunted at the philosopher.

“How will this end?” she cried. “Everytime I go to shoot you someone else appears! There’s too many humans.” Socrates chortled a dark and sinister laughter.

“I know, my dear,” he giggled mercilessly. “We will never be destroyed! If this were a math equation the variable ‘X’ would never end normally. You’d be stuck with us forever and nothing would ever get done. Not even your school work.” Thunder rumbled in the sky, and Socrates disappeared. Curious, Twilight walked out to see the only human that mattered now.

Zeus! Lord of the skies!

“Zeus,” she said, “I always loved you.” He smiled, lightning crackling between his pearly teeth.

“That’s great, babe. Really, it is. But I’ve gotta go now.” And he did. Zeus made a box appear, and crawled inside of it. The box was also a machine that now held a god.

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