X in Equestria

by RoseluckyCinor

Bear Gryllz

Bear Grylls in Equestria
Guest Fiction by HateMode

Bear Grylls is a prolific survivalist having graduated the top of his class in the SAS and participated in many missions involving the drinking of his own bodily fluids while shooting footage for a tv show on how to do exactly that. Every year, millions of people tune in to watch a British bloke squeeze elephant dung into his mouth and eat things that should never even exist in the first place. Now, he attempts one more dangerous feat in order to show how one could survive in an environment as hostile as Equestria. This...is Man vs Mild.

“I’m Bear Grylls and today, I’m going to be visiting one of the most inhospitable places on the face of the human world.” Said Bear as he stood on the roof of a small bushplane. “Every year, more than one hundred humans become stranded in Equestria and forced to go on adventures with ponies, sometimes enjoying themselves so much they never return to civilization. One of the most dangerous locations is Ponyville, and that’s where I’ll be going to show you what it takes to survive.”

Bear pushed off with his feet and began his descent as the bushplane was quickly intercepted by a squad of pegasi for violating Equestrian airspace rules regarding transport of tv crews and crazed Brits. Bear Grylls continued his dive and did a series of twirls and pirouettes in the air as he quickly approached his destination. He pulled the cord on his parachute but as it deployed a speedy blue streak cut through the fabric, causing him to fall at an unsafe rate.

“Now, if you ever get in a sticky situation where your staged skydiving jump takes a turn for the worse, always remember that sources of water can be great for harsh landings. Unfortunately, I’m about to hit a building, so taking out a life insurance plan beforehand also wouldn’t hurt.” Bear held on tight as he touched ground, the flimy parachute catching a strong breeze and sending him flying across town like a kite.

As Bear clung to the parachute he sailed past the town hall and even through the marketplace where countless ponies scrambled for their lives to avoid colliding with the dirty bushman.
“You may have noticed a vast amount of locals, but don’t let the numbers fool you, this area is famous for the massive loss of life. In 2011 alone, a reported 21 people have been reported missing from their respective universes/timelines. And it’s not hard to see why, with such dry air and unbearable heat.”
After knocking over stands, traumatizing a number of ponies, and destroying several pounds of produce he eventually skidded to a halt as he was lead straight towards Carousel Boutique.

“Hmhmhm, it’s simply another maaaarvelous day for fashion. Don’t you think so, Opal?” Said Rarity as she smiled at her uninterested cat.

Suddenly, there was a crash at the door as Bear Grylls tucked into himself and smashed through the door in a large heap of man.

“Wahaha!” Rarity yelled in surprise.

“Crash landings are bound to happen when you jump from several thousand feet in the air so it’s always important to tuck in and absorb the impact. Homeowners insurance also should cover any collateral damage from any badass entries you might encounter.” Bear grinned as he gave a thumbs up to the camera.

“Sweet Celestia, my door! Who are you?” Rarity was in shock as he tried to assemble the pieces of splintered door.

“Whenever entering unfamiliar territory, it’s always important to take a good around you to get your Bear-ings.” Bear gave another smile and an extra enthusiastic high five to the camera man. “Make sure to keep that part. I really liked it.”

“How dare you destroy my place of business! Out I say. And take the camera with you. Do you know how much that very door cost? Eww, you’re leaving marks on the floor.” Rarity huffed as she asserted her dominance by whining.

“It seems we’ve encountered a hostile native. Fortunately, it can easily be subdued in case it decides to give you any trouble. It might also make a good source of food in case your rations run low. I’m equipped with only a tactical spork, three feet of rope, and a Slim Jim so it’s best to eat your rope before you snap into the Slim Jim.” Bear was now walking around the boutique poking and prodding at her various dresses and mannequins with his spork.

“Lay off my dresses you uncouth scoundrel. I request that you leave before I’m forced to resort to kung-fu.” To drive her point home, Rarity karate chopped two cinder blocks in half.

“We might be able to find some form of food by scavenging and while it may be difficult to find any food at first, don’t get discouraged. A positive attitude can go a long way in surviving in hostile and lifeless lands.” Grizzly Bear Grylls had managed to make his way into the kitchen and continued to prod things with his spork, puncturing a loaf of bread and tipping over an assortment of decorative vases.

“Stop that. What are you doing anyway?” Rarity garbled as she struggled to compose herself.

“Poking the environment is a good way to test it’s stability while giving you the added bonus of having a weapon at the ready in case of a rogue utensil attack. Aha, it seems we’ve found a small cache of food. Be warned however, food may not always be fresh and is no substitute for water.” Charcoal Grylls had managed to pry open the fridge door revealing several fresh grocery products and a packet of instant egg mix (just add carrots!).

“But I just came back from the market! Oh no not the marshmallows!” Rarity nearly swooned at the sight of her prized “comfort food” being sloppily devoured.

“Wif a mouffull of marfmellowf if eafy to get dehydrafed,” Bear swallowed as he readied a an emptied pickle jar from inside the fridge. “And I’m getting kind of thirsty myself, honestly. If you’re ever lacking a source of fresh water, a good emergency tactic is to recycle the fluids in your body. Better drink my own-”

“Not today and not in here!” Rarity yelled as she used her magic to pull Bear Grylls by the ear. “Now now, not ever.” Rarity also took the opportunity to steal the camera and camera guy away.

“Here in Ponyville, it’s all about survival. Many of these locals now scavenge for food and she now demonstrated, will sometimes rob you of any opportunity to eat or rehydrate. In these cases, it’s better to act smart and run. I had packed plenty of food when she wasn’t looking, and I never have to stop using the bathroom so we have all our bases covered.”

“You what now?”

With Rarity’s concentration broken Bear was able to slip from her grasp and bolt for the door pelting her with the rope and jabbing towards her with the spork in a defensive fashion as he backed away. Eventually, he was able to find a nice place under a random apple tree to eat his meal and ventured outwards climbing over several small buildings and setting fire to a wagon in a botched attempt at teaching the viewers how to start a fire.

“We’ve made great strides in our fight for survival, and now it’s time for us to make our way back to the rescue points. Using my GPS enhanced memory of the landscape from the skydive, I can estimate that the plane was grounded over...there!” Bear pointed towards the plane stationed near Rarity’s home.

Taking mighty strides, he jogged to the plane and signaled the driver for takeoff but Rarity saw him and took the opportunity to chase him down.

“Get back here you ruffian. You still haven’t paid me for the door!” Yelled Rarity as she chased down the moving plane.

“Jarate!” Bear yelled back as he threw a jar he filled with lemonade he stole from a filly’s lemonade stand.

The jar nearly missed Rarity and while it disgusted Rarity to no end it only spurred her on as she continued her chase.

“Now this is what I call textbook survival. Stay tuned in next time for the continuing adventures of me, Bear Grylls, as I continue to show mother nature just who wears the pants in this relationship.”

“Stop the plane. Get back here!”

“Sorry, but I can’t. I have to go now. My planet needs me.”

And with that, the plane ascended as they headed for their hotel near Canterlot.

Note: Bear Grylls died on the way back to his home planet.

Comments

[Heath of Tragedy]

EMINEM/Slim Shady

[Zytharros]

Snoop Dogg.
Or James Bond. All incarnations at once.

[Fat Autistic Weeaboo2222]

469204 NO IT MUST BE XERO newsimg.ngfiles.com/180000/180105_xero_redesign.jpg

[Focusphobia]

Duke Nukem... TO TEH MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!
And more Isaac Clarke.

[Zellor]

1402662 OR OMEGA!

images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100331025357/xionicmadness/images/0/0d/179106_lolomega.jpg

[Boss_Hoss1]

..."Note: Bear Grylls died on the way back to his home planet."...

*sniff* I love happy endings.. It's amazing how well you hit "Man Vs. Wild" on the mark....

[Moon_Fire]

George Takei
Simon (Gurren Lagann)
Kamina
Yoko
Naruto
Sephiroth
Master Chief (Halo, what else?)

[MrPancakeMan]

1402662 I know this comment is ancient, but I love seeing another fan of the Madness Combat series and spin-offs on site. /]