Princess Celestia took another sip of tea, watching the ponies in the Great Hall bicker and barter. These ponies held the future of Equestria in their hooves… Well, at least for a few more minutes.
“Do you think we should tell them we’ve arrived?” She turned her head slightly to glance at her sister. She would have stepped out there half an hour ago, if not for Luna’s request of ‘pony-watching’, as she called it.
The alicorn in question was leaning over the railing of the balcony, somewhat undermining her own attempts not to be seen. “Not now, I think the Lords of Northshire and Ohayo are forming an alliance. And oh, I believe the Duke of Eastern Whinnypeg has just declared war on your ficus plant. I told you this would be amusing.”
Celestia sighed and shook her head. “I find little humor in declarations of war, inconsequential as they may be.” She peered over to the far corner of the hall, where her former student, fellow Princess and now – as she herself put it – overlord of her friends was talking to a rather agitated Fancypants, Twilight’s assistant Golden Retriever keeping to the background a few feet behind her. Fancypants had almost been the first victim of recent events. The royal courier had found him just on his way to turn in his formal surrender, and it pained Celestia to think what had almost been lost to Canterlot and Equestria, had the stallion been stripped of all his wealth and titles.
She was equally glad for how well Twilight was taking the situation so far. As soon as they had announced the emergency meeting of the Canterlot ‘elite’ she had taken the young alicorn aside and explained the whole plan to her, for several good reasons; One reason was that Twilight was one of the smartest ponies Celestia had ever met, and her advice and keen eye for details could be invaluable at times. Another good reason was that the vital component of their plan was situated in Ponyville, her demesne, and needed to be notified of his part. Most importantly, though, it had prevented one of the panic attacks that tended to happen when the Princesses involved her in something but forgot to provide her with all, half of or even any details at all.
The Princess looked over the ponies in the hall once more, watching the fluctuating factions and occasional press pony from the newspapers before she spread her wings and gently floated down from the balcony, closely followed by her sister. She stepped up to the crowd of ponies and allowed herself a small smile at how quickly everypony fell quiet and turned their attention to them.
“Welcome, my little ponies, and thank you all for arriving here on such short notice. My sister and I have a very important announcement to make regarding the various demesnes, fiefdoms and other forms of land that many of you recently found out you rule over.” She waited a few seconds for the surprised murmurs to die down again, then glanced over at her sister for a second, nodded and smiled.
“To make it short, we have decided that the laws which made your families and clans the rulers over towns and their inhabitants are quite old and quite outdated. That is why we are abolishing them. All of them. Effective from this moment. Thank you, that is all.”
It took about five minutes for the outraged shouting to go from deafening to really loud. Celestia didn’t lose her serene smile for even one moment of it, nor did Luna, though the latter might have had a little more trouble suppressing her laughter. The sound-blocking spells they had kept prepared certainly helped, though.
Celestia waited another minute until most of the nobles had yelled themselves sore, then gently raised a hoof. “I take it by your reactions that you do not agree with this decision?”
“You can’t do that!” shouted one of the stallions in the back, curiously one that was impossible to identify behind the bodies of his peers.
Celestia put on a thoughtful expression. “Are you sure? Because I’m quite sure we can. After all, that’s what a Monarchy is about–“ A cough from her left. “Diarchy, I mean.” She paused again, looking over at where Twilight and her personal assistant were standing and watching from a corner. “Triarchy? Anyway, I read over our job description and it seems that, yes, we can change laws whenever we feel like it.”
The nobility seemed too stunned to be outraged for the moment, so Celestia continued to talk cheerfully. “Now, I really should have done this a lot sooner. These laws have been around for centuries, after all, and I have obviously been keeping them around until now. You see, the problem is that you all are, legally, the rulers of your own little countries, with some obligations to the Crown. That means that, while we can decide to change or abolish a law, you could declare war on Equestria and protect your rule over your region… at the cost of going to war.” Her expression turned somber. “For centuries this has been a problem, as there is not all that much land outside of Canterlot that still belongs to the Crown, and I found it easier to let the laws just quietly slip out of use. A miscalculation in hindsight, obviously.”
A large, deep green unicorn with broad shoulders stepped forward from the crowd, head held high as he met the Princesses’ gaze. “And what would keep us from doing just that now?”
“Ah, Lord Wallachington, thank you for your contribution. I had hoped that someone would ask that. Your family has one of the largest regions under your rule, don’t you? To answer your question: decency would come to mind. Common sense, a striving for peace, or even just respect for your fellow equines lives. And leverage.”
“Leverage?” The unicorn took another step forward, giving her a challenging stare.
“It really didn’t occur to either of us until one of our advisors pointed it out, but yes. Apparently there is a leverage that I just didn’t have the last time I faced this problem. You see, declaring war on the Crown means giving up a few of the little perks and advantages that come with living in Equestria. Quite obvious, I would think, considering you are declaring yourself our enemy. And one of those perks is the protection through the Crown.”
Several of the nobles cast nervous glances around themselves, looking considerably less determined than a moment ago. Still, over half of the crowd seemed quite confident yet.
“So your leverage is implied threats of what you will do if we don’t play along, is it?” Lord Wallachington glared up at them.
Celestia smiled back, while her sister behind her glanced from side to side, as if she were looking for something. “Oh, you misunderstand. I believe in harmony and strive to keep the peace wherever I can. I will do absolutely nothing at all.” She turned around and calmly trotted towards the back door. “If you would stay a moment longer, my sister and her assistant will collect your declarations of war and assemble a list of the ponies and regions that have decided they can look after themselves just fine.”
The gathered nobles watched her until she was through the door, none of them noticing that a young purple alicorn and her earth pony assistant had discreetly left the room as well. They did notice, however, the growing shadow that somehow seemed to loom just behind each of them.
They turned around one by one, to find themselves facing a well-known draconequus standing in right front of the exit, smiling through more sharp teeth than any self-respecting mouth should have and holding a comically large quill to a menacingly large scroll.
“No rushing, everypony, I’ve just gotten the week off and I’m not in a hurry.” Discord slowly bent his neck around the side of the scroll, leaning down towards the front row of ponies. “Now… who’s first?”
“Do you think that will be enough to prevent any civil wars, Prin… Celestia?” Twilight looked up from her coffee, shooting a quick glance at Golden, who was sitting on the side of the table between them and looking rather nervous for some reason. Twilight was always a little nervous because the Princess used to be her personal mentor, but from what she knew this was probably the first time her assistant had met the older alicorn, so she really had no reason to be.
Princess Celestia took a small sip from her own cup and smiled. “Well, I’m sure that they will learn a valuable lesson from this, whether they do it now or over the next weeks. And I’m sure Discord will appreciate the opportunity to have some fun without too many restrictions. You were right, by the way… Miss Golden does prepare an excellent cup of coffee.”
“Eeeeep.”
Hahaha yes. Fun for Discord. Miserable for the Nobles.
Most glorious!
I'd have added the additional stipulation, that should they declare war on Equestria, and then come crawling back, that they'd be offered protections at the surrender of their demesne and everything they hold... Their wealth and titles too, seeing as how they are begging for an enemy to show them mercy... Least they can sacrifice for stopping Discord's reign of
funterror... Or is itterrorfun. I don't even know!Ah, the Ancient Alicorn Right of Rule, summed up by Quia Ego Sic Dico. The Patrician would be proud, although he would probably offer pointers.
6022595
When I wrote FanOfMostEverything's RCL feature, I tried to juggle "hilarity" and "terror" and ended up with "reign of terrarity." I had to stop there, or the question of finding a great portmanteau would have nerd-sniped me for hours.
I must admit, this is absolutely one of the most logical actions one could put forward.
But, as always, were it to end so simply, I'd be left without a story, I fear.
Thanks for making me laugh.
6023211
I have rather wondered why anyone listens to them. I mean, a week ago, everypony had forgotten what the titles meant and they probably don't enjoy being made into serfs. So, it seems like if Celestia just said that she was abolishing them, 99%+ of the population would back her. At this point, they wouldn't really have any power or loyalty.
6023030
I still got half a chapter for The Traveling Tutor And The Royal Exam on my laptop. Now I just have to finish that, don't I?
6023149
Silly Horizon, nobody gets nerd-sniped for hours... You only get nerd-sniped until the first car hits you.
6023211
Thank you for reading this and commenting on it. I'm glad you I was able to make you laugh.
This chapter is completely non-canon, of course... Which means that you're free to finally post a new chapter. *scrunches and starts poking you*
6024868
I live in a rural area. Depending on the time of night I was writing that, I might have been waiting that long for a car!
Also: Psst. Re your final comment, that new chapter might not happen for a little while.
Triarchy. Tetra- is four. Unless you include Cadence.
6428282
I had assumed Cadance was included (meaning "Tetrarchy" would be the word), but the intention might have been that Celestia herself was getting it wrong due to running across a situation without precedent in her experience. At any rate, if a correction's needed, I'd want to run it past 6024868 first.
6428282
Doesn't Cadence control her own empire though?