Never The Final Word (Vol. 1)

by horizon

Ruin Value Meal (Titanium Dragon's "Ruin Value")

Author's Note:

[Slice of Life] [Equestria Girls]

This chapter is a continuation of Titanium Dragon's Ruin Value (3281 words, [Dark]).

RUIN VALUE SPOILERS (WARNING: this paragraph gives away the major plot twist!) The story focuses on Celestia exploring a dead city directly after some sort of apocalyptic attack, alone with her thoughts, scavenging food from the ruins to feed Luna, Discord, and "Father". We ultimately learn that this is at the beginning of her life, she's exploring the Earth city of Seattle, and "Father" is implied to be the last human, who was involved in creating ponies to inherit the Earth.

This continuation is based on the fact that Celestia collected frozen burgers from fast-food restaurant freezers in the days after the calamity.

Celestia draped the slipcover back over the magic mirror and curled her neck around her former student's. "Welcome back, Twilight."

"Thanks," Twilight said, but her voice was oddly distant.

"How was your trip?"

Celestia felt Twilight's foreleg shift in a reflexive motion to hoof the ground, but it quickly stopped and resettled. "It was good to see Sunset and Sonata again," Twilight said, "but." A too-long hesitation. "Well, no buts. They're doing well. The other sirens are making wonderful progress in learning about friendship. It's just … I don't think their world will ever stop surprising me."

There it was. "Oh?" Celestia said conversationally.

"Yeah." Twilight let out a breath, then gave Celestia a smile that could charitably be described as being in the same room as reassuring. "You know, I ought to go see Cadance before we go back to Equestria. I'm glad you were here, but I really shouldn't delay you — we'll get to talk for the whole train ride back —"

"Twilight," Celestia said with a gentle smile, "don't worry about it. I understand." Then, because she had a feeling she knew exactly what was behind the haunted expression in the young alicorn's eyes, she added: "In fact, she and Shining Armor just sat down for lunch. Why don't you go join them in the drawing room, and I'll go tell the chefs to make food for three?"

The smile vanished from Twilight's muzzle. "I … ah … I mean, I'm not hungry …"

Celestia locked eyes with Twilight for a moment, subtly sculpting her expression. Her mouth holding its relaxed smile, but with a tiny sag at the corners; a slight downturn in the corners of the eyes; a lateral tightening of the cheeks to suggest wrinkles; a slowdown in the shifting of her hair. A subliminal sympathy, with even deeper hints of worry and weariness.

"Let's take a walk," she said, precisely in the center of the dead zone between suggestion and invitation and order, and turned away, already lighting her horn to open the door.

It took Twilight eighty-seven paces to speak up, which beat Celestia's expectations.

"The first time I looked at what they call a 'burger' … it clearly wasn't the hayburger we eat in Equestria," she said. "I'm not stupid — it was meat between the buns. And I'm no stranger to the idea of meat. I mean, Rarity's cat eats fish, and gryphons even eat land animals."

Celestia nodded silently. Twilight would feel better about it if she could get it all out at her own pace.

"But everyone ate them. Some days, it was the only entrée the cafeteria served! When I learned its full name was a 'hamburger,' I kinda stopped there; once I figured out what the meat was, I didn't want to know more." Twilight exhaled. "That sounds so weird to say. But it's only natural, right?"

"Perfectly so. Thinking like a carnivore is uncomfortable."

"Right," Twilight said. "But I did try one. It was part of the human experience, after all. And then, yesterday, it came up in conversation as we were playing a trivia game —" Twilight whirled to face Celestia, eyes wet — "it's ground-up cows! They call it a ham-burger, but it used to be a bovine, with thoughts, and feelings, and — and — oh, stars, I'm a cannibal, I'll never be able to attend Bessie's poetry readings again —"

Celestia, who had been discreetly casting a silence bubble around them while Twilight talked, interrupted her with the gentle touch of a hoof to her shoulder. She was getting more worked up than Celestia had expected; best, perhaps, to lance the boil.

"And it tasted wonderful," Celestia said conspiratorially, "didn't it?"

Twilight's pupils shrank as she went rigid. "What?!" she managed to squeak.

A smile spread across Celestia's muzzle. "That's what you're not telling me. The secret shame of it is how enjoyable a hamburger is. Trust me, Twilight, I know."

Twilight's cheeks had gone quite an unnatural shade of hot purple before she managed to stammer out, "So you've been through the mirror yourself, then?"

"Let's just say, for the moment, that I've been to the human world."

A glimmer of hope flickered in Twilight's eyes. "Then maybe you can explain," she said. "What bothers me the most is that … well, taste is a physiologically driven response; the body craves foods that meet its dietary needs. And my body most certainly was different in the mirror universe, so it only made sense that it would have tasted good at the time! But last time I returned … even while I was here, back in pony form, with my brain and my senses back to normal … I kept craving meat. How is that even possible?"

Celestia's thoughts flashed back to that row of growth tubes that had decanted the first of the ponies. To the desperate struggle to keep them viable, in that first harsh winter before the grasses grew back. To her explorations of the ruined city, and the raided fast-food freezers. And, finally, to the thin slurry of blended bread and meat that had been poured into the feeding-pumps, in a final desperate gamble after the others had given up the project as hopeless.

Father had understood, but Father was gone. Luna, bless her heart, had been their conscience, voicing her disapproval of the situation early and often, and never quite reconciled with Celestia about it. Discord … the less said of his approval, the better. But now, for the first time in millennia, Celestia's heart stirred: maybe she could finally talk about it with somepony who understood.

Celestia steadied herself with a long, deep breath. "Twilight," she said, "Let me tell you about your earliest ancestors …"

Comments

[Titanium Dragon]

I adore this so much. Thank you for writing it.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Whoa. This one is much deeper than usual. Nicely done.

[Xaldon Ajide]

Sorry I just can't stop laughing at that ending for some reason. whelp, definitely has Discords seal of approval, but I seem to have forgotten the stamp in my other set of drawers in a pocket dimension.

[Themaskedferret]

Very intriguing...

[Europa]

So wait, is this a fanfiction about fanfictions about fanfiction?

... we need to go deeper.

[horizon]

5738053
Well, if one of the submitted fictions was in an AU setting such as Fallout: Equestria, the Optimalverse, Conversion Bureau, etc., then we'd have another level …

Of course, what we really need is for someone to write a continuation of one of this collection's continuations.

shairosenfeld.com/such_blocking_very_concurrency/images/inception.png

[Titanium Dragon]

I reviewed the following stories in this collection:

- The Next Day
- An Even Grater Love
- Ruin Value Meal

The reviews can be found here.

[Xanderfox]

hee yes well.. how will Twilight react to this? "Well Twilight our early ancestors where genetically modified, so there is little bit of predator in you." Would explain why pony eyes face forward, predators have binocular vision, the eyes face forward allowing them to zero in on prey. Humans in a effort to make ponies look like them would give them the same sort of eyes, and use predator DNA to get the trait. And yes Humans have predator eyes. Also big brains need lots protein to grow, meat is the easiest source. Once Twilight tasted meat her body wanted MORE.

[horizon]

6176644
The idea here does explain an uncomfortable amount about ponies, doesn't it?

[PresentPerfect]

Okay, that was totally worth it. :D

[pterrorgrine]

6176644

Also big brains need lots protein to grow, meat is the easiest source.

I'm sorry to necro a four-year-old comment, but I'm amused at the potential horror of Twilight's intelligence and... "carnicuriousity"... feeding into each other to make a magical hyperintelligent cannibal princess pony. Kind of reminds me of vampires as presented in Blindsight. She could even get smart enough to ethically justify all the murder!

[horizon]

9719904
I would read this story.

... I mean, I already have, but it was hilarious and I would totally read it again!

TNational Geographic Presents: Big Princess Week

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Random

Twilight Sparkle notices some odd urges, now that she's suddenly become an alicorn.

• Crossover
• Twilight
• Rarity
• Celestia

Cold in Gardez · 5.4k words  ·  1,276  41 · 13k views