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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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oh my
Chocolate makes EVERYTHING better.
In all seriousness, though, pretty good job on this. There were a couple hiccups that I believe slipped through editing:
“'Wow, that was bad,' She shot back.said. I made saucy bedroom eyes at her.
'Oh come on, you don’t like my pickup lines?' I said, batting my eyelashes. I stretched outreached out and kissed her thigh, working my way up to her cutie mark."
Looks like you were altering some verbs there and forgot to cut out the old ones. Other than that, I didn't see anything grammar-wise, but one other thing I would suggest is putting the main character's thoughts in italics, even if it's being told in first-person. For example:
"I grinned and let Violet pull herself from my embrace as she began nibbling on my neck. Oh the marks I was going to have after this night! I thought as I brought my mouth down and began licking her horn, drawing a gasp of breath from Violet as she bit a little harder on my neck."
The phrasing of this thought is a bit awkward. Let me give two ways you could redo it to make it fit a bit better:
"...as she began nibbling on my neck. Oh the marks I'm going to have after this night! I thought as I brought my mouth down..."
This way, the thought takes place entirely inside the speaker's head, and it's in the present tense, which is how she would have phrased the idea in her mind at the time. I know that when I'm considering my options for a meal, I don't think, "Ah, the food I was going to have," but rather, "Ah, the food I'm going to have." The second option is this:
"...as she began nibbling on my neck. I thought about the marks I was going to have after this night as I brought my mouth down..."
This is another means of solving any potential tense issues. To borrow my earlier example, "I looked forward to the food I was going to have" makes sense in the context of me reminiscing on a past experience where I was anticipating some grand feast. (Maybe I should have eaten something before I wrote this? Whatever.)
BUT ENOUGH OF THE NEGATIVE. On the whole, if your goal was to establish a stronger relationship between the characters, that was done very well, and in my opinion, the strongest scene of development concerning the two was their impromptu duet (nice parody, by the way). It's those kinds of little touches that make for a strong clop piece, allowing you to fully embrace the characters and believe that they truly do love one another before moving on to the more saucy parts. Speaking of those parts, what can I say? They totally did it. In a variety of ways. Very creative ways. The only thing that turned me off was the use of c**t, but if that's how the character would express herself, then it fits; I've just never been a big fan of the word personally. All in all, an admirable piece, especially if it was your first go at writing anything of this particular genre.
I don't always read clop but when i do its CHOCLATE CLOP!!
And i like Duets and when its more than just clop for clops sake.
And now onwards to chapter 8!
I think I made enough jokes already, on wards.
I think I made enough jokes already, on wards.
I can't clop this.
Chocolate rain! Some stay dry and others feel the... ecstasy
One thing's for sure... they're not bringing THAT particular mattress back to the NCR outpost
One small error, in the borrowed lyrics no less:
> let’s runaway
"run away"
I looked it up, and the first lyrics site you find has this error too, so I guess that's where you got it from. However, Katy Perry's own site has it right
Oh...............
Nice little clop scene you got there. Good quality and nothing over the top either. I like it.
Wow, this is actually one of the better clop scenes I have read. Hard to believe it was your first try. It also actually felt very appropriate to the story as well as the character development and it was pretty "tastefully" done. Bravo sir.
You know, as I read this, the only thing going through my mind was what if one of those raiders just lost their mare/colt friend during that massacre that just happened. Be a bit of a slap to the face by DJ-Pon3.
You are darn right you don't have to explain magic! That said, I do wonder why that bottle of "horshy" hadn't been taken by now. Or at the very least hadn't started rotting. Oh well, magic.
READ MORE ON YT! This is a very well done FOE fic. One nitpick though.... NEED WHOLE THING READ ON YT, by you... uhhm.. if you don`t mind that is.
That was well written and extremely cute and hot Is it wrong of me that I want to see a Violet x Star x Patch chapter to come along Well that was great interlude on to chapter 8, oh and I know I said I would comment once I caught up but I just couldn't pass this chance up
A very, very important thing certain 'writers' completely forget. Yes, the world his hard, but not all the time. There has to be moments where the character catches a break, where they can just have some time to be happy, enjoy themselves, not be utterly miserable. Otherwise, everything ends up so dark, grim, and crappy... why even give a fuck about it?
Truly, one of the most vital questions that must be talked about in a relationship. (Actually it kind of is, making sure what both partners are comfortable with in bed)
Question... how do you know she'll like it? Done this before with some pony to actually know how it feels? Second, excessive, punctuation, is excessive,.
Okay, that the food is still edible after all this time... believable. That they included an expiration date over two-hundred years later, not so much. If they thought the food would last that long, why even bother with a date in the first place? And besides most 'expiration' dates, are more a 'best before' date. Still edible after that, but might start to not taste as good.
Hey, you started it.
See above about how great it is when stories actually remember this.
Plot conveniently timed broadcast, is conveniently timed for the plot. Also, seriously? going that extra mile to try and to make this feel contrived? Going a bit to far story.
Bad pun is.... par for the course with MLP stories, carry on. But, her whole reaction to finding it...
Wasn't that... you know.. an actual bed?
A regular Coltanova Star is.
I do like adding this. How does she really know what she likes? From the way everything is given, seems like she's never had the chance to really explore stuff like this. Maybe some hold overs from who she was before she became an Alicorn, but that's just a possibility. But at the same time, she clearly has a much better idea what to do then say, Littlepip did. Despite having about as much actual experience. Yet, we've seen he think about this stuff a lot more. It's things she's considered, tried to imagine what it would be like, had fantasies. Littlepip? While yeah she had her fantasies, they were never really that detailed, nothing spcefic, more just picturing mares she's like to be with. Though overall, she was more focused on simply being with them, on the companionship, not the physical sex itself.
Star? Star has got one very naughty mind, and that's been made clear, so yeah her being this confident, this at ease, and this inventive despite from all logical sense, this was her first time. (Since she's been with Iris since The Goddess fell, and this clearly hasn't happened between them before) it all makes sense, and also does tell a lot about her.
So, while not quite as much character building as we also got from 20.5, still a few good little bits of it. Though really, this was all about the sex. And that.... was decent. Nothing exceptional, but for clop.. short, quick, but competent. So, fun little one off. And again Star really deserves this break after all the shit she's gone through, so good for her.
Blackjack would be proud!
NOPE couldn't do it, I didn't even make it to the sex NOPE
...Kinky.