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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Seeing as how I make a comment every time I post a new one (at least try to). I didn't get a chance this morning to do so. So anyways, Chapter 3!
This week has been a little hectic for me, so I will apologize ahead of time for any issues that may have crept into this chapter. There were a few difficult sections for me to get through, but a nice relaxing trip out to my barn this weekend and a stop-by at my local game store really helped to clear my head and figure out where I needed to go.
Thanks for the support, it's greatly appreciated. You have no idea.
Exelent chapter I'm looking forward to more mentionings of littleWho exelent chapter I'm looking forward to r more mentionings of lilpip and homage
more keep up he great work. Also i know that many alicorns call pip the destroyer I'm looking forward to the group learning more about her,also what of fluttershys survival? Also im writing this on my phone it might be a little messy
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Hey thanks for the comments! Just to answer your questions here, this fic takes place more in between the Epilogue and the Afterword of the original FO:E. Remember the Afterword took place about 10 years later. It isn't really established when Fluttershy was changed back, just that it was "years" from that point for her to recover.
The timeframe I'm looking at here, I'm not sure if we will see 'Shy or not. I'd certainly like to visit it as an idea, but it would have to have some focal relevance to Star's problem. For better or worse, the story at hand is about her and this transformation that has occurred, and how she will deal with its consequences.
I really appreciate the comments though. I'm really enjoying putting the work into this, and I'm extremely appreciative of Kkat and the world she built for us to play in. It's been a fun ride sofar.
No need to worry about being late on a chapter. We are at your convenience and are simply happy that you are willing to share your story with us.
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Oh hey, totally aware of that man. I'll for sure let you guys know if one's going to be late, but sofar keeping to a weekly release is working out pretty well for me.
Be excited for Chapter 4!
Oh god an Aperture Science chapter including neurotoxin, cake and an AI that is obsessed with testing for science?
And they finally arrived in Tenpony Tower, but oh no! what a !!
Great chapter and even longer than the last one, i love it! After they entered the Stable and the posters proclaimed "BRING YOUR FILLY TO WORK DAY" i began grinning and at the "FOR THE GOOD OF ALL OF US" plate i lost it, simply brilliant. Even if the part with the cake felt a bit forced but meh it would not be a portal reference if the cake is missing.
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Thanks! Yes, it was obviously a Portal reference for the Stable. Silly I know, but it worked out in the end.
And yes, what a shocker I know.
XD ha portals yes win there my friend.
"Stay frosty my friends!" You quoted that from a movie didn't you.
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Umm.. unsure really. It just sounded cool
473550 lol thats from a movie a chick flick to be exact the movie is called 'how to lose a guy in 10 days' its interesting thats for sure.
..all dead... wut. Can't be. Homage is kinda part of them.
Anyway, corrections!
> which began working it’s incredibly amazing pain reducing magic
"its", dammit!
> I looked back at Violet, who was still struggling to breath.
"breathe"
Lot's of portal referanse. I like it.
One problem with Aperture Science (and StableTec) is that things get destroyed. It's sad when things get destroyed.
THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!!!!!!!
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Best Fallout/Aperture/MyLittlePony/Raven's Emotions from Teen Titans crossover I've read. At least I hope you got Twilight's separate emotions from Raven, because that's just awesome.
Seems like there's a ghost haunting your story.
*sound of M. Night Shyamalamadingdong shedding a tear*
Damn and here I was hoping that Star would acquire a Stable-Tec Tesseract Translocation Device (a Portal Gun, to the lay pony) and a Personal Reassurance Emitter Cube!
So... was that guilt? If there was ever a powerful emotional element of Twilight Sparkle's nature, it was that!
"The're all dead!"
"... Well, that was bucking thoughtless of them, wasn't it?"
I keep falling into the plot holes. Was it ever explained why Star has so much trouble use any of her alicorn powers? It's important to know why one of the most feared creatures of FoE is only now learning to using her shield and seems to be much weaker than the alicorns seen in Canterlot during FoE.
Hopefully someone can point out where I missed this or promise that it does get explained in a future chapter otherwise I think I'm done.
4397686 she was a blue alicorn they only had invisibility spells innately and only the goddess could take knowledge of spells from the hive mind and give them to other alicorns. After her fall some alicorns got the memories of their original self back and their own spells but it's said in the start of this story that star never got her own memories and soul back
And yet another amazing little opening. The exploration of magic... how it lead to science.. something that seems so.. wrong yet works perfectly here. How each race wields it differently, but still wields it. And Alicorns... though that does raise the question of just how much of the other two tribes magic they have, given the limitation with them caused by The Goddess being all unicorns. Limiting their ability to be true alicorns and more, just winged unicorns. Even the description of how they interact with magic makes them seem more like Unicorns then anything else, just really really powerful ones. But at the same time, being unique, having their own view on things.. that does work and like that perspective.
As well as, while noting this is what led to the War, to destruction.. not blaming the force itself, not claiming there is anything wrong with using it. It was all in how it was used. respecting the scale of those achievements, while lamenting why they were made. An amazingly balanced view and.. yeah love it. Oh one bit of snark.
Well, that... and the fact they could fly.
...
Huh, soooo how long until she finally reads the Book, or has somepony who did tell her what the Figurines really are? That she's now carrying around an actual piece of Rarity's soul?
... Okay that entire escape.... SO AWESOME!
It's odd how this was never actually named in FoE. Story just used 'painkillers' or something generic, never actually calling it by name. But pretty much every side story that uses it calls it that. Just, an odd little thing I've noticed.
Hey could be worse.. at least you're no where near Frosty levels of nuts. Now there is mare with some serious issues.
.... no... nonononono... no way. Those two are a LOT further apart then that. Plus, if you're entering from the side of the city you'd be approaching from Shattered Hoof, Friendship City is off in an entirely separate direction. Them stopping there before reaching Tenpony, great. But not via this route, just... more the story simply skipping to what it needs to have happen, because it's what it want to have happen. That's a bad story -1 awesome point for you.
Awkward exposition is awkward.
Nooo not suspicious at all. Whelp, cue next sub quest. They still have one more party member from the group shot to find afterall.
And rushed set up is rushed.
1. Called the 'This sucks worse' bit. 2. HEY! They are the only reason so many ponies are even alive still and survived the end.
So what went wrong this time?
Has she worked out how to load that thing yet? or how long till it's going to run out of ammo?
Also, so.. Stable that went bad.. will have to see why and how. One being built into an island like this..... at first I was going to call BS but... it could be a plausible location. Isolated, good source of nearby water to purify, yeah could see one being built there. Though going this long without being found? they did say 'excavation' teams, but why would they be excavating anything on the island? Did the entrance just collapse so they didn't realize one was there till now? And why were they searching for it?
Also again all the lead up and set up, way way to quick and telly.
Okay... what? First off, an AI? You mean a second rate Crusader? Since there were only three of those in existence. But, the whole AI controlled stable was already done, why would they have another? And the test itself... what? Why? All the test so far were sociological, seeing if different forms of government would be better. What would be the best type of society. This? Though I could think of a few reasons for something like this, trying to get a wide,detailed assessment of ponies physical abilities. But 'ideal'? that has a lot of really really creepy connotations to it. So, not sold on this Stable idea yet. It's not instantly a bad one, but very questionable.
...
Okay so.... AI run a muck situation? Meh, been done, and again, why would they give this Stable an AI? When the only AI's we know of are Crusader Mainframes, and even then, they aren't even AI's, unless somepony uploads themselves to them. Action.. again decent, but starting to stretch disbelief that weapon hasn't run out of bullets yet or even needed to be reloaded. What is the magazine shaped like an infinity symbol?
Oh... right. Those ponies, not the ones that lived in the stable. that's what happens when you take a break and come back the next day, yeah that makes WAY more sense then what I was about to complain about.
This Stable... I don't like it.
Okay, it could be a lot worse, and this might be a salvageable idea but overall.... it really just doesn't work. First, as above, why would Stable Tec be using this sort of experiment? What would be the point? It's just.. it's not wholly outside the realms of plausibility, but it is stretching them with it being so vague about things. Why an entire Stable devoted to measuring ponies physical and mental capabilities? What was the point? And that line " the ideal Equestrian citizen" really REALLY does not sit well with me. That Scoots would have this idea of that existing..... That said, the basic idea behind it, maybe it could work with the right explanation and set up. it's just as is, the story doesn't give us enough to understand this, and it seems not to fit with what we do know about Stables.
Next the AI, this part pushes things even further. The whole physical/mental evaluation thing is bad enough, but that could be used right with a slightly different execution. Having an AI though.. wha? They already had an AI controlled Stable, 29, and that took one of only three Crusader Mainframes in existence. Where did this other AI come from? Why would they put an AI in this? What about this required a program that could think on it's own? That makes no sense whatsoever. More later on this.
But beyond the idea itself having issues, even just as a Stable, in the story and literary device sense, it doesn't really work. What makes the Stables.. the ruined, abandoned, horror filled ones anyway, work so good is the atmosphere. The abandoned, or not so abandon structure. Ruined, empty, or crawling with monsters. Going through it slowly, finding out just what went wrong, how things got this way. Finding the hints, messages, little clues, learning more and more about what went wrong, all the while being creeped out by the whole journey, on edge. Till you finally find that right piece of information, that one clue that makes it all fall in place. The thrill of Stables/Vaults is as much about the tense, atmospheric journey to find out what happened, as it is that story in and of itself. This had none of that. Just enter Stable, and head right to the problem, no atmosphere, no build up just "Here's the answer" it.. just lacks the same emotional feeling Stables should have. It's another case of the story rushing through things, trying to get to the next point, just get the information out ASAP. So far, it's been noticeable, but just accept it levels. Here, not so much because doing so robs half the excitement out of the whole experience. Stables/Vaults are as much about the journey to find out what happened, as they are what happened itself.
And that rushing also hurts it with what did happen. I said it made no real sense for Stable Tec to put n AI here, especially for something odd like this. And why would it have that much control over the Stable? it's trying to rush through and set up the end point, what is needed now as quick as possible. Build it up, as in, let it build. Not just be some AI stuck there from the start that almost instantly went nuts and killed everypony. it's getting to the end point quickly, and forsaking the journey. Leaving less to enjoy. Maybe it shouldn't have started as an AI. The overall idea of the Stable, again it could work if explained slightly better or better justified, again rushing, but not the AI. If the AI wasn't one, at first. Just a basic computer program that was used to help keep track of the data. Over the years, hell generations even of being used to track the ponies, it grew, evolved. This makes even more sense when you add in keeping track of an evaluating the mental abilities as well. It began to be changed by them, to absorb some traits from the ponies it tested. To better test them, it grew smarter, took on more and more aspects of a sentient being. Until it became a full AI, and because of how odd it's creation was, it couldn't really handle this to well and was driven mad. Details there are very open. But it would have solved so many issues. Plus, rather then just two quick "here's how it went" messages, we could have had them exploring, finding notes from various ponies about the computers, acting odd, seemingly getting smarter, tiny hints of what was going on, till it finally went to far and ponies started dying. First in mysterious ways, then more and more, ponies finally piercing it together to late. And then, having the captured ponies just tell them "Go here to end it" it would let the heroes be the ones to figure it out, through those logs, those messages, working out what was going on.. just, all around would have been way better, more engaging, and just more emotional and powerful and awesome.
This set up did have some promise, but was kind of ruined by being to quick to get to the end point, rather then make the journey just as important. it's why rushing things tends to never be a good idea.
And I really hope she eventually comes across a lock she can't just brute force. it works for most stuff, but there has to be a limit.
.. Okay, ponies did have stasis tech, but it was REALLY new, and why would a Stable have it? At least one not built with that in mind?
...... No... no... just no. First, I could maybe buy another AI, though would make more sense growing like I said. But the whole transfer your consciousness thing was ONLY a feature of the Crusaders. Second why would the Overmare do that? See this is kind of thing that feels SO off right now, given how out of nowhere it comes. Maybe if we had seen more, seen the Overmare losing it, see her slipping, her descent into thinking this was a good idea, why, had more build up it might be able to be worked out, but like this? No, just.. can't buy it.
........ Why the bucking hell would that be in a Stable?
To be fair... that was kind of cool.
This, not so much. And again it's more in execution then idea. Hell it's been odd that she hasn't used a shield yet given it was the defining trait of Alicorns beyond the color specialties. Not even an explanation or mention of why she couldn't use one. Her trying, or something acknowledging she should be able to, or what had changed to make her not. it would have made her pulling this out of nowhere go down better.
The Teleporting, that worked because she was trying to access one power, and got another due to reasons that make sense. This? it feels like she just pulled it out of nowhere, never something good to feel. Again, it could have worked, just the execution was to rushed and didn't have enough build up.
Yeah, no way a Stable would have hundreds of stasis pods.
Well, this is new.....
Huh, and giving a good reason for it to be different..... okay story, good job on that one.
And this whole bit... wasn't really 'bad' but wasn't that great either. Just, wasn't invested enough. both because the whole set up had been to quick to build up the right emotional torque, but even this part was rather flat.. direct. quick.
You know... for a moment I was thinking it was an Alicorn Rarity for some reason. But YAY TIA!
And she wakes up in medical wing.
This bit.. I kind of liked it, but less then the other inner vision parts. Just, again to... flat. The assassination attempt, that was really meh, BUT given Twi was unlikely to be there, that this was just her mental image of it, that works fine. But her breakdown... (And guessing this is Guilt) it wasn't bad but, just felt rather average. The Star parts were interesting, worked but, again just, didn't really feel them
Why would she need Ra..... OH for them to go rescue her. Okay, I'll give you this one story.
Do we have our intra-party romance starting up?
..... What? Okay, this had better be one HELL of an explanation... especially given, you know, you ARE one. Well, let's see what's up....
Okay overall, didn't like this chapter much, it had some good ideas, but was just way to loaded with fast pacing, telling, and just.. could have been so much better.
Also only four chapters in, and already up to 40%? Yeah things really are moving fast.
Violet, you're turning violet, Violet!
Don't have much to say about this, save that I'm disappointed that I'm not as into DJ Pon-3's role as I was in the original. "Ministry Mare"? Definitely not as catchy as "Stable Dweller". :B
Well I for one am enjoying this. Radiant Star is one of those characters that you warm up to rather than like imeadately but that said she's interesting in her own way. Also the conflic she's facing with multiple ponies in her head is somewhat relatible to me. I'm not schitsophrenic but I have OCD, ADHD and Bipolar so the whole different versions of emotions all fighting for dominance in the same head is something I can relate to. Their may only be one ScribbleSheet in my body but sometimes when I'm manic or depressed It feels like there are army's doing battle in my noggin.
Now I have listended to Crazed Rambling's reading of Fallout Equestria. (The origonal) most of the way through but I figured out the ending ahead of time and stopped at the kindom of the blind part one to spare the otherwise inevitible sob fest. (I really should go back and finnish that ) Anyways I'll be back for more tommorow!
Awesome chapter!!!!!!!
Dead? Whaaaaa
While I appreciate it as a vehicle to some portal references, and I like that its a mad mind transfer rather than a rogue AI, part of me can't get past this being set in Frendship City.
Was the city not levelled during Operation Cauterise back in the original FoE?
Maybe you just need a line or two about rebuilding after the enclave, which would be a good reason for them to have uncovered a stable entrace no one else has in 200 years.