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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Liking it so far!
Welcome to the FoE sidefic herd
401943
Heh, thanks! I'm working on Chapter 1 now, just taking some time. A lot of ground I've gotta cover, etc. Not sure where that ye-olde downvote came from already. Silly people. If you're going to downvote at least comment and give me some feedback
402632
Thanks for the fave and the watch!!!
Don't worry about unaccounted for down votes. Right after I published my FO:E side-story I had 4 up votes and three down votes. Now I have 15 up votes and 3 down votes. Some people just down vote a story because they don't like FO:E side-stories, or because they don't understand the context of the story because they don't realize it is a side-story. Anyway, good luck on your story. I personally don't like stories with this kind of plot, but it seems to be well written, so think it will turn out pretty well. Good luck!
402651
Thank you! I'll keep that mind. I'm glad at least it's well-written. You have no idea how much time I spent on revising this until I felt it was ready to post. Chapter 1 will be incoming soon as it's done!
So far I have loved all the alicorn stories I have read. Really glad to see another one. Please make sure to get a link for this to http://fallout-equestria.com/ . They will post when you update and allow those of us who have trouble logging onto fimfiction w/ our phones to follow your updates more easily.
Nice, nice. A bit too PnP-ish on the ending stats though.
Some corrections:
> leaving her left for dead
just "leaving her for dead" should suffice
> Most notably, it's leader, the Ministry Mare Twilight Sparkle.
"its". Also, this kinda sounds like the Twilight Society is currently being run by Twilight Sparkle. I'd personally say "Most notably, [to] its leader, the Ministry Mare Twilight Sparkle."
> The Twilight Society is very inclusive.
"inclusive" is definitely not the right word for what you're trying to say. I'd say "secretive" or "elusive".
Interesting start, i'll be sure to read more later
What happened to Absent-Mindedness?
Not bad dude, i'll keep on reading your story.
400k words? were did you find the time to write this?
good story so far. I will have to keep reading
could be better.
this..... not word for word, but i have the strangest sense of deja vu about these few sentences. weird.... did someone say this in the show? is it a reference to something? a game, or movie? I know i've heard/read something close to that before.....
anywho neat intro. i'm not usually into reading the FOE side-stories but i'm giving this one a shot.
Welp, looks like Twilight went iNSaNe.
Catch the reference and you win an Internet cookie.
Well, this is a nice start, I'll sure keep reading it.
The only problem I have with the writing is your wildly chaotic use of grammatical tenses. Choose one -- past or present -- and stick to it !
3191831
I noticed that as well. It's a small error, all things considered, but fairly persistent throughout the chapter. There are a few other spots that I feel could use some better phrasing. It's a decent start, so here's to hoping the story gets better!
If i'm not wrong the Followers of the Apocalypse are dedicated to improving the conditions of the Equestrian Wastelands, and are led by Velvet Remedy. The Followers provide medical care to anypony who is in need. They also choose to view Fluttershy's actions during the war as a lesson, and still look to her with reverence. (taken from the Fallout Equestria Wiki itself)
But here they are more like a religious group. why is that?
This bothering me way more than it should does radiant now sound like twilight
Whelp...after reading "Diaries of a Madman", this'll be a walk through the park.
I don't see why starlight needs radaway. Alicorns actually get stronger from radiation.
So that's where Twilight Sparkle's spirit went after hearing Pinkie Pie's last message! Unfortunately, two centuries as the slave of the thing that had once been Trixie seems to have driven her mad. Oh, Twilight was always debatably sane but the stress of the War, the Last Day and her long bondage under the Unity seems to have sent her all the way over the edge. There's no telling what she might do if she gets full control of Radiant Star and decides that, as a final duty to her friends and mentors, she needs to 'fix' things.
It's interesting that Radiant's new cutie mark is a mirror image of Twilight's. There's a significance to that, but I'm not sure what it is just yet.
Contra-temporal interactions are not unheard of in the Fallout: Equestria universe. It's possible that Radiant was actually interacting with the real past Twilight. I'm wondering if, in a supreme ironic paradox, Radiant actually ensured her own existence by appearing to Twilight in a dream and making her realise that she could create an alicorn army.
Time loves its jest. And, for the ponies of Equestria who struggle in the wastelands, the gods are all sadists, laughing at them all.
Welp, right off the bat that is not the type of alicorn I expected. Don't get me wrong, I like Radiant Star, but the only alicorn characters I've gotten to see in other fics have been Lacunae from PH and Heroes' Diamond Sky and Platinum Haze. Radiant completely breaks all of those by simply being... another pony. Sorta. She has a more relatable personality, and I like her quite a lot for that.
Also I get to go into Starlight pretty blind, bar the fact that Radiant somehow has Twilight in her, which turns out to be not too much of a spoiler at all! I deliberately dodged reading the description before actually reading. Speaking of
best ponyTwilight, holy balls those dreams with her were creepy. When the Elder performed the horn-locking, I thought problems would arise from Star getting a flashback to Unity, but instead we got... that. Here she and filly-Twi were just sitting on the grass, enjoying a lovely conversation, and then the maw from hell devours our protagonist. Yikes.I get the feeling that Radiant doesn't quite know or remember how to cast a shield spell, though her accidental use of teleport was pretty great. Overall an interesting introduction to the story, and I'm curious to see where this goes. Liiiiiiittle suspicious that the Twilight Society won't have Star's best interests in mind, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Doth my eyes deceive me? Another writer who double spaces between sentences!?
Anyway, interesting start. Will continue.
1% Down, 99% to go!
(This is kind of pointless given you are now finished but I am going to continue anyway...)
Interesting start. Plenty of info, plenty of randomness and a goal established. We also have some cross book references into PH and the obligatory mare on mare interest complete with whipped cream! I can see why many people immediately dislike a Alicorn as a main character due to their natural OP but you have played it perfectly so far. Her personality helps to reduce her OP without it seeming forced and the introduction of the doors tells me that things may get shut or blocked off in the future if she isn't careful.
Been waiting a long time to find a slot to read this in and it has been a great start!
Hmm I think I like this story thus far I think I have a new favorite Fallout Main Character here, go Radient Star. Well so far the prologue is good got me into the story which is what it should do Now I will continue to read til I catch up to the latest chapter and I will comment further after that I look forward to the story.
Huh.
Well, this looks quite promising! It'll be cool to pick up a new story based almost in the same timeline as the original F:E. There are a few grammar issues here and there, and some oddly worded sentences, but nothing Earth-shattering or unforgivable. Looks like I've got myself a new read!
New reader here, shamelessly commenting on an old story! First impressions: Interesting premise, alright grammar, but your tense slipped a couple of times, and some sentences and dialogue were worded awkwardly.
If you wanted to show how not-Twilight Radiant Star starts out as, “I’m not going to be late, Violet. I’m going to be fashionably late,” is about the strongest way to do that!
Oh please. No. No no no. If you want to use archaic English, learn how to use it, or get an editor who knows how. That should be thine.
All-caps looks unprofessional. Italics is used for emphasis.
This seems like it's... trying to follow Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons cannon (Edit: PH isn't cannon to F:E), but Twilight had her memories of Big Macintosh removed by Goldenblood
I really hope there's a good explanation as to why Radiant Star seems to be now affecting events 200 years in the past. I was fine with Pinkie being able to see the future, but I'm really hoping this is all kinda metaphorical.
Okay, nice little intro bit, already got me interested. First person, centered on an Alicorn after the events of FOE. Could be very interesting.
Definitely an interesting phrase and very debatable. The Goddess didn't really see herself as evil, or full of hate. She thought she was helping the other ponies. Yet, the Alicorns did tend to come off rather evil, condescending, superior. Others were beneath them, insects to be squashed or sheep to be led. So, yeah could come off that way, and might be the case, but at the same time.. maybe not. But seeing all this from an Alicorn's POV.. very interesting right off the bat.
Huh, not sure how to feel about that title.. little to religious based, yet at the same time.. it could fit. bit of a .. but see where things go.
Also, so it's long enough after the story for the Followers to be a good sized group, set protocols, recognized widely. So likely at least a few years after SS&RB
Huh, again not sure how to feel about this. First thought is it feels a bit to religious. and not sure I like that, but at the same time.. it could be used well. So not bad but.. something I want to see where it goes before deciding on.
Do like the bit of backstory, it does feel like it makes some sense, is rather sweet and touching. Quick, gets to the point, but still emotional and giving you a good feeling for the characters more or less. Or at least a good base starting point, without feeling to exposition heavy.. even if it is just exposition... one of the perks of first person POV. But nice set up still. Could be ways this might go bad, but many more it could go great so, interested to see where it goes.
*Non-Straight protagonist-check* Shaping up to be a true FOE fic. Though... if she turned out to have been a stallion before getting turned into an alicorn.. would it still be gay? Hmmmmm...
But either way, already finding myself liking her. Not quite airheaded, but slightly feather brained. Irrelevant, but at the same time, getting the impression it's not for no good reason. So yeah so far so good with her.
Hmmmmm.... you know... yeah I could see Twi doing that.
But, what if the new pony isn't an alicorn or unicorn? I can't see Velvet denying Earth ponies or Pegasi that want to help the right to join. Also this 'ceremony' seems rather... unceremonious and brief, not quiet what you'd expect.. though might be able to chalk that up to her being so late, they just want to do the short version and get this over with.
A to the transfer itself... yeah can see it working. They have memory recording and viewing spells, so likely just a refinement on those.
***
And I'm guessing that isn't normal for this type of thing..... So.. hints of memories from before the war, lack of anything of her old self, this... wait.. are we sure she isn't from before the war anyway? One of the first Alicorns? Or, the trapped soul of one of those ponies in Maripony at the time of The Goddess' creation stuck inside of her? Can see a few ways this could go... and interested to find out more.
(Granted most of those 'options' and seeing where this is going come from the synopsis outright saying what's going on more or less, but still effective.)
Nooo, that's not creepy at all. but still, liked it, creepy, but with a hint of sense to it. And really liked the grass bit, just, little touches like that really help a story and characters feel more real.. more alive.
I... am not quite sure why but.. I love her reaction right here.
Also... did it say what color she was before? She was a Goddess made Alicorn... so only options are Purple, Green, and Blue.
Ah. And yes I do these commentaries in real time.. sort of. Basically first thoughts at each point.
Coat color change.. that's one thing... but a Cutie Mark change? Yeah now is a good time to panic. Those never go well. But, so, taken over by Twilight... well knew it was coming, so got it out of the way quickly, now to see how the story handles the why. Could be a really well done interesting and intriguingly well done idea, or something that faceplants... but so far, optimistic just based on how fun the readings been already.
........................................................... No comment.
Okay comment... Kkat... is that you? You already had enough random things come true or become so much more canon after the fact.......... yeah this is really odd now yet, just adds to things. So yeah......
Well, you now have nopony but yourself to blame for all the crap you are likely to go through on this trip for saying that.
But this... seemed rather fast. Just "'boom, boom boom' plot point, plot point, exposition, get things in motion already" But, not in a way that feels like an asspull, or coming out of nowhere, it does all make sense, just the delivery feels a tad rushed.
First... always nice to see Littlepip's version of homage to the Deities is alive and well and has made a lasting impact on those of the Wastes. Second, nice jump cut. And again, she only has herself to blame.
So.. how long after SS&RB's is this? Long enough for the Followers to grow, and be around long enough to have established outposts, be recognized, and have 'Elders' yet early enough that there are still Raiders with Raider CM's, and Alicorns are distrusted and feared by many.
Just ask Littlepip. but yeah, that thing is one HELL of a Force Multiplier.
One, that only counts if you call it. Two.. those blips shouldn't have gone out. Maybe the two she hit in the head, but if they were able to scream, it didn't instantly kill them... but alright, might have taken them out soon after, I can give you that one. But the two that got hit in the legs? They are still active and conscious, just wounded, they would still show up as hostiles. Or at worst, have their marker switch from red to amber/green (Whichever default color you are using.) but it wouldn't go out.
Teleported?
... Okay, I saw the teleporting coming... but that bit.. that surprised me. But makes sense. At least her teleporting instead of turning invisible.. and really, what good is going invisible that close? When his first instinct might be to just pull the trigger before you could get out of the way anyway? But.. I could see the porting kick in instead given the color change.. but the target being different too? Maybe the other pony inside of her tweaking things....
***
Okay, nice fight, rather quick, but it works, and coming out of nowhere.. also works given she just tempted fate. Saw the teleport coming, but still surprised by the details, bit odd she doesn't connect being able to teleport with her color change. But she is stressed, just got out of a fight, the adrenaline is wearing off and she's crashing from that high soooo.. can buy it. But still, good little fight, SATS is a freaking gamebreaker if you know how to use it.
But.... damn that.... that was a really impressive usage of that.... totally without the comedy of the original and.. just... damn.. very well done.
Oookay, there was a lot right, and a lot wrong with that scene. This late in the war, she wouldn't be in the Golden Oaks Library, getting an idea like this, seeing an actual Alicorn to get that inspiration.. some of her actions, her mannerisms, even for late in the war. If this is meant to be a real look at her.. ehhhh... but simply a vision, a kind of hodge podge amalgam of her psyche from that time, memories, ideas, emotions, all bundled into the oddity of a dream... very nice. So depends on more details about what's going on specifically, but could be really good... or really bad.
...... How? No way this is before The Gardens were activated, since that happened within a year or so of SS&RB's, no where near enough time for the Followers to get that large and well organized.
Okay, decent trait set up, makes sense for the story as well. So far so good.
Okay so far.. really liking this, very interested in the characters and the situation, I like Radiant Star quite a bit, curious about what is going on, so yeah very nice start.
Few points where things felt a tad rushed, more concerned with just getting things in motion ASAP, but not to a degree it didn't make sense. Still confused just when after FOE this takes place. But, very good use of show lines, bring back those little touchstones in ways that make sense for the characters, and work for the story, especially that last one... damn that was well done.
Good sense of humor so far, while still serious when needed, felt a lot like FOE. Altogether... good start, some aspects that could turn out rather badly, that might have some ehhhhh to them, but more in possible outcomes, could also go very very well and be amazing, so can't wait to find out, but overall, hopeful this will be good just based on the first chapter. (Though this isn't really a 'prologue' but that's an endemic issue to FOE stories.)
So yeah good start, and can't wait to read more.
This has been in my Fo:E To-Read folder for fucking ages and now I'm only starting to read it. I'm a bit late to the party I understand, but I'm just gonna go ahead and leave some (constructive) criticisms and things I noted during reading.
First off, there are either two or three paragraphs that don't have an indent. Have a scroll through and you should be able to find them.
Secondly, for as many scene breaks as there are, the chapter itself is a bit short. There are several key events in this chapter that pave the way for what's going on, but don't seem to build the environment but rather focusing on the characters. That's not a bad thing because it's a great introduction, but it ties in with my initial comment. Had you taken each event and given the environment a little flair, I think it'd be more immersive.
But that's just me though, I seriously doubt you'd go through and add that haha.
Still a great story that I want to see how far I can get into it in how short of a time.
I've told myself I'm gonna give this one a few chapters before I make a decision, but this is not exactly an auspicious start. D: The only thing that really works in this chapter is Twilight's war angst.
I think I'm willing to give this fic a chance, but like other viewers have noted, this start could be better. Granted, it's not a terrible or even really bad start by any stretch of the imagination (I've seen much much worse), but it doesn't really reach out and grab my attention like other really good fics. That being said, it seems reasonably interesting and I'll give it a shot.
HiddenMaster out.
Awesome chapter!!!!
Did that raider seriously try to argue he wasn't that bad? Hi, pot. I'm kettle!
Oh goodie! We're skipping the traditional "I've never killed before!" and getting a protagonist that knows how to have fun! Oh if only we could have found out what she was planning.
It's kinda nice when we get a FoE character that isn't a Stable Dweller and actually has some wasteland experience. Alicorns have had a pretty nasty history of overkill so it works.
Wow, was Twilight really like that during the war?
Then why dafuq did you walk into the room?
Man, nobody upvotes comments up in here. What is it with some stories, I swear! Ya'll know why people love Reddit? That shit has two separate ways of giving dopamine-inducing validation for the most basic of internet functions. That's beside the point though. I'm going to read through this line by line and tell you what I think because it looks like it's probably good.
I'll be perfectly honest, I have no idea why Kkat added these bits to her story or what they really add. I guess they're supposed to put what you're about to read into thematical context but I ended up just skipping over them and going straight to the narration down below. When I did read them I rarely got any sense they were meaningful in any way though occasionally they looked nice on their own. All of that is to say while I appreciate the Kkat consistency that's something I wouldn't have borrowed.
Pain is a sensation, hurt is usually preferred when discussing emotions.
And now we see why she rambled instead of just starting at the beginning; no one ever starts off their story by stating their name unless your OC is named Ebony Dark'ness Dimensia Ravenway.
This narration. Oh, dear. I do hope it gets better.
1. She was killed so the line should read, "That is, until she was killed".
2. Why are we getting backstory told to us we already know without any sort of unique perspective that lays the groundwork for building on her character? Why are we getting rote exposition told as blandly as humanly possible from someone who'd clearly rather be talking about something interesting? It's a worst of both worlds scenario where we get too much and not enough.
Hate and evil? This is what I mean about the cut-rate exposition I'm reading here. It's the same point as the last line. There's not enough context on why the alicorns acted the way they did which was richly explained in Fallout Equestria and given the narrator was an alicorn who existed within Unity she's in a place to really make the reader understand the horrible state the alicorn drones were in using unbiased, vivid language to paint a very clear picture of the alicorns suffering under Trixie. And instead, we get "hate and evil". I'm so dissappointed in this narrator.
Raspberry.
Well, that's rude. You know people got shit to do lady. The world doesn't operate on 'Star' Time.
If you're going to use conversation to provide exposition — which is a healthy thing we all should be doing as authors — be confident enough to let your dialogue do the heavy lifting so you don't need bloated narration like this that only serves to pad out your story. It flows more naturally that way.
Sir or madam, I'm going to have to tap out at this point. It's cool that this story found success and I don't begrudge anyone for finding a readership but this needs a whole lot of work to be considered good in 2020. I'm sorry if I came off as harsh.
Lesbians... Lesbians everywhere.l
I like this story and I love that the main characters a slacker lol
Heya,
I had started 'The Spark of Life' as you'd posted it on the discord, but figured I should probably jump back to this one first.
Always good to have an Alicorn protagonist helps to have a unique perspective on the wasteland, and on the post-unity nature of the Goddess' children.
Interesting that Star seems to have picked up Twilight as a Passenger, definately intrigued as to where this leads.
Decided in recent days to read more Fallout: Equestria stories. This one caught my interest because it featured an alicorn protagonist, which you don't get every day. I will say that my headcanon is that this was the alicorn who Twlight bodysurfed into to save our heroes in the original story.
Anyway, keep up the good work!
The story is good. However, you should consider the flow. It's a little fast. When writing a story myself, I often find it useful to read it aloud in the tone and setting that I'm trying to convey to see if I am accomplishing what I'm trying to in my writing. This story definitely needs some work but I'm curious about it so I'm going to continue reading.
I can't help but feel like the story just full speed ahead CHARGES into the full explaination of the plot. This story could have used a solid chapter of them tryna figure this stuff out tbh
9173653
No kidding. This whole chapter feels like SUCH a rushed pace. Have the MC go to the elder, don't make the elder come to the Mc. At least then there's a reason for him to say "lol can't help you" since he was the one approached
11739250
Agreed 100%. Whole intro could have been split into 2 or 3 different chapters. It's jarring how quickly each character just up and accepts their new positions :(