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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I can't help but feel that Tia is woefully OOC. If anything I would think she would be happy for her sister, she also seems to be getting awfully worked up about such a little detail, considering the fact that they didn't technically kiss you would think that a ruler of 1000+ years of age wouldn't get so uppity about such trivial matters even if they are family related.
Other than that the other peeve i have is stuttering on every word in a sentence. Like when Dom is holding Dash and when Celestia is speaking with Dom, I don't know how many people you've seen be scared but stuttering is still fairly uncommon unless you actually have a speech impediment.
Now all I can hope for is that Dominic isn't a beta sub in the next chapter. Would you expect a military man to be turned into quivering mess with such hollow threats? If anything, he would be laying down the line.
Oh and Dash is still cute. Continue with more of that
4061004 Ah man... if I wasn't giving loads of consideration of next chapter, now im, e-hem... WOEFOLLY scared of what I wrote...
Reconsideration wont help me anymore now... but hell, now it makes it harder to post it later on today in good conscious...
4061018
you know, you can always upload two versions. Post one, then post a revised version and see which one that you and the readers like better then delete the worse one. Simple!
I don't mean to sound so... Harsh, I guess i really just want to see this fic do as good as it can. Its got a lot of potential and that's saying something. Infact its one of the few fics i actually get excited when I see update.
4061029 I know that I should just do revisions instead, but I like the original content. The only reason why I have so many doubts about every chapter is I not only want to enjoy writing it myself, I want others to enjoy it as well, and that is the primary reason I don't like posting stories... I try to shoot for things way above my own standards and capabilities. It's not that your being harsh, and I know it has potential... just I see it, I look back at what I write, and I don't see how I can improve without scrapping the entire idea and moving onto something new. I used to do that and just write entirely new ideas... but I would end up going through 10k worth of chapters until I finally just quite and used whatever was left, regardless of it being good or not, and that isn't something I want to do for this story. My only reason why I am sticking to what I'm writing... is well, I don't normally write 5k chapters anymore, and I have been doing that so much more recently, and I don't wanna ruin that.
Oh no trouble a hoof
This does kind of seem to have the pilot effectively pussyfooting away his military doctrine and attitudes, and that is something that I do think the ponies should be reminded of... Say, perhaps have him kill an invading Gryphon Assassin team or something, to show that this human is not just a plaything to be won over between the mares, but an actual, trained killer who will get the job done with more-or-less no remorse or emotional backlash for the loss of life at his hands? It just seems to be degrading into a sparring of affection for him between Stalker Dash and Misinformed Luna, where this is a man who seems to be shirking away his man card and not standing up for himself by letting the ponies trot all over his individual rights. This must be changed, at least if you want the story to progress beyond, 'stay away from the ponies who are literally stalking him like he was a living sex toy', which is all the past several chapters have seemed to be...
4061726 Eh-heh... there are a number of factors actually playing at that...
1- I have been reading Exchange (where the human is basically a living running-away-from-princess-twilight sex plaything).
2- Been reading more of that than typing.
3- I went to NJROTC, and thus when the opportunity arose, I went to mini-boot camp (basically boot camp but only for a week), and from what I gathered from the other JROTC cadets and the Air Force members stationed where I was, they aren't as tough as... say the marines... maybe not even Army is worse in fighting. Air Force people are generally the badass sky hawks with really high IQ... so if I am portraying him wrong that way, then I must say sorry about that. I never intended for this story to receive actual readers that wanted to full reality deal, but I will do my best to change that. I would probably have him run into the forest after the CMC and save them from Timberwolves, but that card has been played so many times. I would do your suggestion... but then I gotta add an entirely new plot line, like Dominic being added as a security measure... I might have the Gryphon's then just attack him at Ponyville or something... but then again, do I write him always being wary and cautious? do I make him scared of any other mythological beasts coming to have a brawl with him? These are just a few considerations I would need to think out it I chose to do something like this. After next chapter, I will attempt to bring up the manliness level, but I will point out, I never intended for this story to be anything other than romance between Dash and Dominic, though I wanted to build it up at a much slower pace than next chapter will imply. I had laid down actual outlines of this story that I wanted to use, but alas... back to the drawing board.
---I can only promise to adjust my writing, not change it entirely. I will not be able to write a story that I myself cant enjoy. Did that one time too many already.
I would tell Celestia to shove that horn on her head up her ass if she thinks I won't kiss Luna again.