Twilight Sparkle is successfully fulfilling her destiny as the ruler of a kingdom somewhere. Although she has continued to write to Princess Celestia consistently, the latter has distanced herself in recent years. Twilight writes one final letter to her teacher.
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Personally, I prefer the first chapter on its own, but the story does continue in the rest.
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Part 4 in progress!
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You should wright a story about this but from celestia's perspective! This was a great story! I loved it.
Very well written, I feel like this should have a sequel, as the previous comment states, as an explanation as to why Celestia has drifted away from her faithful student.
P.S. This one song just kept ringing in my ear when I read this. Specifically this one line that goes like:
Jaw-dropping. Thank you for writing this and I think that little bit of your emotion went a long way in those last bits (sort of seemed as though PshycoTwilight was coming through!) This really made me wonder what to expect from the Celestia-Twilight relationship in this coming season(37 days).
Side note: If you really think that your emotion was peeking through too much then you might want to mitigate how direct Twilight was, she doesn't come off as if she would leave with such a sting to Momma Bird
. Despite this I think you should leave this and GIVE ME MOARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
Okay, I'll be honest here. I came here not expecting much, since that's what I usually see from the new stories list. But this managed to catch my eye.
I was wrong about what to expect. This shows that you have promise. It's an idea I've seen before, but I haven't seen it pulled off right before this.
This is a good story, one that's got my attention in a way that oneshots usually don't do.
Good luck with what's to come, I'll be looking forward to it. ^^
I just whent on a feel trip......it was really well written I would love to see a sequel
3353845
I like the idea, but am not sure I would know what to write! The story is based on reality.... Twilight's perspective is my own. It would be great to see someone else's perspective on how Celestia would respond, however. :)
3353889
Your suggestion is very wise! Although the directness could stem from the hurt, you're correct that she would not likely send the letter, as it is. Counselors talk about writing three letters in situations like this: a rough one, a tweaked one, and a sendable one, setting it aside each time for a while. This version would be only a little past Twilight's raw emotions.
@ all:
I don't know about your emotions getting in the way, all I know there is emotion in this story and it's beautifully done.
Great work, a happy sequel would be awesome.
1.bp.blogspot.com/-rftqXzv06OE/UUsxP9wdJwI/AAAAAAAAASg/QRh_WH0ibT0/s1600/14915+-+animated+artist+mihaaaa+clapping+clopplauding+gif+rainbow_dash+reaction_image+reaction_ponies.gif
Excellent! I see a lot of potential here and I'll definitely follow you to see more.
Oh, wow. That got very, very barbed at the end. Twilight must have been repressing that hurt for a while, because I have a little trouble seeing her get quite that vicious. I almost feel as though this would work better as the end of a series of letters, as opposed to a singular one - some more emotional buildup.
Also, yes. Jumping on the 'I want to see a reply from Celestia' bandwagon :P
This...now this has an incredible amount of potential locked up inside of it! If you look at it as 'this is the last chapter of an untold tale', then back-filling this could be quite a trip.
On the other hoof, perhaps the story is meant to start from the "end" in Twi's mind. Should it continue from here, the possibilities are endless. All manner of ill could have befallen Celestia, and no one contacted Twi. Or, maybe Celestia has emotional issues of her own in Twi's absence? Perhaps Luna is hiding the letters even...etc etc etc!
If you do decide to expand this, there's a ton that you can do here. From we have now though, gets to the emotions in a path that is slow but jarring at the end. Good stuff!
3353845 I believe the song you're referring to is "Remember You" from adventure time.
The feels on the bus go round and round.
This is a beautiful little gem. I really enjoyed it. I can feel the tears springing to my eyes. Well done. This story has so much potential and you could expand it like the others are saying but that's entirely up to you. Oh! Where are my manners? Hello, I'm Crystal Secret your fellow writer, reader and friend. If you need anything just ask and I must say that I am very impressed with this story! You have done very well and should be proud.
3354744
Yep!
Really nice. Have a fave and watch.
As others said this is beautiful, to me more because of the potential it has and it stimulating my imagination. You have just the right amount of information dropped for us to know pretty much nothing but have enough to still make up our mind about what is going on.
Like the rest, really hope you make a sequel, or maybe expand this and write about what happened/is happening. If you expand it it will probably have to become your own universe, in a sense it is already anyway.
3353803
What this guy said. Totally! For sure.
I found this thanks to it being in a certain group so I hope that dynamic will play. I want more, MORE! If you would be so kind.
3353803
I can very much see Celestia thinking to herself that Twilight doesn't really need to be answered this time, that they have a special bond, that Twilight would understand, etc. She's probably gotten used to Twilight always being reliable and willing and has taken her for granted.
This was an interesting read, and a character study that took a different tack from most of the others. Well done.
ObCritique: The letter seems to shift tone at the end, going from passive-aggressive ("I feel neglected, though I know you're busy/may have reasons for it") to vicious ("*I'm* going to make time for *my* student and be a better pony than you; ha!") [tone deliberately exaggerated, for illustrative purposes]. It might be worth tweaking the prose to smooth this out a bit, as it comes across as a violent mood-swing as-written. Twilight seems the type to proofread/edit her letters ahead of time (in her head, if nothing else), so I'd expect whichever tone she picked to be consistent throughout. Viciousness also seems unlike her, though that's open to interpretation (you're writing about your take on Twilight, not mine).
ObSpellcheck: Way too many exclamation marks in the first half of the letter. A good rule of thumb would be at most one per paragraph, and even that's pushing it. Rainbow in full "Ohmygosh!" mode, speaking verbally, might get two (one for "OMG", and one for the paragraph's finishing sentence). Twilight is writing, not speaking, so any exclamation points are ones she put there deliberately and calmly after careful forethought.
That said, definitely worth the read; thanks for writing it!
3354461
3356947
Thank you for the constructive feedback! Your words "barbed," "vicious," and "violent mood swing" stand out strongly. It's quite true that she shifts from pleasantly updating her on recent events to an increasingly negative tone (first disappointed but understanding, then questioning, and finally even angry/stinging), as she gets to what she truly needed to say. I appreciate that you noticed and pointed out this transition. She does, at the same time, have conflicting emotions: the feelings of rejection or abandonment have apparently built up over an assumed long period of time, but she still cares about her mentor and does not intend to say anything that would hurt her. She may not have been aware of the "biting" part of her emotions at first, but they came to the surface as she gradually expressed herself more openly.
On the other hand (going back to several comments), in written form, Twilight would have been likely to proofread and rewrite it several times, especially being the perfectionist she is. :) Thus, this may be too raw - something she might write but not send... I hesitate to "fix" it for the reasons above, but would it seem less out of place if I framed the story differently (even simply adding that she did not send it, or threw it out)? How interesting that the readers have pulled out some deeper, underlying aspects of the story and the character's emotions.
And the exclamation points. I do have a tendency to overuse them! Will eliminate some unnecessary ones.
True - and it's quite a great transition there, too, as it really does show the emotions rising to the surface in an extremely realistic and well-done manner. I just think that as it is, she wouldn't be able to send it unless it was really in the heat of the moment - once she had any time to second-guess herself, I don't think she would.
For that matter, looking back at my previous post, I think I forgot to say that this story was a wonderful read either way. I very much enjoyed it, and I'd love to see more on it and the 'setting' it takes place in.
3357253
One way to make it less jarring would be to condense the first part of the letter. She might decide the transition does have to be there, after editing, but would probably make the change more gradual and the letter as a whole more succinct.
Another might be to frame the story as quoting multiple drafts of the letter, or (per another user) multiple letters, so that each had a unified tone or theme. One possible way of splitting this would be the "here's what I've been doing/how has everyone in Canterlot been?" part (cordial and pretending nothing's wrong), the "I know you're busy but I feel neglected" part (either passive-aggressive or before she realizes how she really feels, depending on how you spin it), and the "I'm going to be a better pony than you are, ha!" part (where she's angry and wants Celestia to know it). Other breakdowns exist; you have a better handle on what themes you want to explore and how your Twilight thinks than I do.
My main difficulty with the original version was that the shift was abrupt and didn't have much build-up (despite the presence of a lot of preceding text). It read more like a look inside Twilight's head than a letter she'd carefully composed.
If you do decide to break the letter into multiple parts, having explicit "Twilight thinks" segments between them could be a way to put that stream-of-consciousness prose back in. There are many ways of handling it (it depends on what parts of Twilight's thoughts and feelings you want to emphasize).
Regardless, this was still an interesting piece!
there needs to be a response to this.
3357253 Hmm, are you going to do anything else with this? A response perhaps, anything to build upon?
This hits pretty close to home. It always sucks when people won't reply to you and you don't know if it's legitimate contempt and disinterest or just being too busy.
Well written, bit short, but then again that's probably a good thing.
I hate to be the one to offer such criticism, but I don't feel that this letter is able to stand alone as a story. The feelings it relates are certainly justifiable, and it's a bit moving as well. But left alone like this it feels more like a rant by the author. There's not even anything that this is really against, but it still feels that way to me.
I think think really needs more, even if it's just to make the letter a part of a scene with Celestia reading it, or to show Twilight writing it.
I like this...but i really wanna see how Celestia responds...or doesn't if you keep it in twis pov
I've found one! An author in the making! I couldn't help but "feel" as I read this. Twilight was very passive aggressive in this story. I have never seen such roundabout blunt hits to the face as this fic! Twilight straight up said that Celestia must trust people more, not take on the burden by herself, even going so far as to make a comparison to herself! Damn!! I recommend you put some water on that burn Celestia or some ice for that butt hurt!
... Note to self if I ever talk like that again I should quit writing.
Pls. write Celestia response
. Good story by the way I could feel the tinge of sadness in Twilight's words, and I loved every single piece of it.
Best read to a looping instance of
ok, now I REALLY WANT to see a reply from Celestia...
please...?
Ouch. I think you ripped my heartstrings out. I can't tell because they've gone numb from the emotions
3361778 But that unfinished picture is the beauty of it. My art teacher told me that if you have objects in a picture that are cut off by the borders, then the audience can imagine that there is more beyond the frame. That's what this fic has done. It lets you think about it and keep wondering at the unknown. Was Celestia receiving the letters? Was she ignoring them? Was this for Twilights good? Is Celestia just being selfish? Most of all...will she write back? Sometimes an ending isn't there to conclude the picture, but to let the reader think on their own and imagine their own idea of what could be.
Hey Dad: look at me.
Take time and talk to me.
Did I grow up according to plan?
...And now I try hard to make it.
I just want to make you... proud.
All the days you spent with me
now seem so far away
and it feels like you don't care any more.
Princess Celestia lay stretched out in the Private Royal Gardens, a sheaf of correspondence laying unread at her hooves while she looked off into the distance at nothing in particular. The bustle and life of the gardens had always brought peace to her soul, even in that long agonizing time of Luna’s exile. And now, it continued to lift her spirits even when it felt like her heart was breaking worse than the nights when she would lift Luna’s precious moon up into the sky and feel the touch of insanity that had consumed her sister.
The shrill cries of a mother bird rose loudest in this center of peace and tranquility, chirping and screeching at a smaller bird still stuck firmly in the nest which had been its only home since hatching. For most of the morning, Celestia had simply sat and watched, lost in thought as the mother tried every weapon in her arsenal to pry the recalcitrant little bird out of her nest and into the blue sky where she belonged. After one last encouragement, the mother bird flew away into the gardens, leaving the little bird to chirp hopefully in the undersized nest. It looked around, confident that its mother would return with food and love as always, but as the day wore on, the chirps became less confident and more hopeful, turning into a long mournful cry as the sun neared the horizon. Finally, the little bird left its comfortable spot, still filled with the warm feathers of her mother to peek over the edge of its home at the ground so far below. Several times it leaned forward, spreading its new wings hesitantly, only to retreat to the safety of the known and the familiar. Only as the setting sun wreathed the world in tinges of gold and red did the little bird leap out of the nest, wings spread wide and flapping with only instinct to guide it. Several branches struck it, making the bird tumble in flight before recovering, landing in a bush next to Celestia and her unread paperwork.
“There you are, little one,” cooed Celestia, raising a hoof with a few small seeds on it, which the little bird pecked with great enthusiasm. “Fly, be free. Spread your wings.”
After a brief examination of the hoof for unfound seeds, the little bird rose into the air again on uncertain wings, exploring this strange world beyond its nest. In the distance, Celestia could see the mother bird watching, and she felt a twinge of empathy at the same time her horn gave a short burst of power and a neat scroll landed in her lap.
She opened the scroll, reading with no small amount of nervousness before putting it away and gathering up her letters. It would be a long night in her office tonight writing after she had put the sun to bed, but it was worth it.
Her little bird had finally learned to fly.
(Permission is hereby granted to Estelien to put this as the second chapter if you want.)
-Georg
Okay, first off,
3370023
WOW! That's beautiful! I was in the middle of writing a second chapter when you posted this - I will definitely make a note for readers to check out this alternate ending. Also definitely adding some of your stories to my reading list. Thank you!
3357352
Agreed, and to be solved...
3363176
Thank you! As for the roundabout hits, burn, and butt hurt, ouch! We had best hope that this letter does not get to the Princess.
3358029
... and in response to many others, yes, I am in the process of writing a little more for this story. I had not planned to, but so many have wanted to know more, so... Soon.
3358291
Exactly! I hope that others who have not experienced this can begin to understand the confusing, conflicting, and at times painful emotions that can come with very simply being ignored.
3361778
A very fair opinion! I am comfortable with it as it is, but do plan to add to it and look forward to perhaps hearing more feedback from you at that point.
3367245
A beautiful analogy. This is why I hesitate to add to it, but we shall see what happens.
@ all: Again, thank you so much for the encouragement and constructive criticism! Now go read Georg's comment while I finish part two!
3370023
Sweet Celestia this was good!! This earned you a follower.
3361778 I'd like to say that letter stories are a valid form of art and can be full stories in themselves, and that my favourite TwiJack story was written in the form of letters.
3370226 I would also like to say that this criticism is fair. We don't need to see Celestia's reaction, but seeing some of Twilight's thought process going into building such a quietly stinging, hurting letter would have been great. Just bits and pieces of the pain that built such a thing. It's great as it stands, don't get me wrong, but giving us just a bit more to work with with regards to emotional headspace would make it marvelous
3370276 One of the difficulties and advantages of writing a 'Pure' letter story is you have to put every single bit you want to show onto the paper. I did that on "War of Words" up to a certain point, where I had to break down and put in an italicized aside of several paragraphs (about 85% letter). Same thing on a larger scale for "Letters From a Little Princess Monster" as I'm writing it, because it's about 85% non-letters. To hit 100% 'letter' like this story and pull at the heartstrings the way he did is a wonderful feat, worthy of being framed. Bravo!
3370247 I credit the inspiration
3370226 Thanks, appreciate it a lot. Warning: some of my stuff is a
littlelot long-winded, although "Traveling Tutor" is my favorite so far.3370322 I agree, but also think that we need to be shown more motivation from Twilight, rather than simply being told it. This is far from a bad story--I have it upthumbed and I sent it to the Twilestia group the instant I finished it!--but I do wish we got more inside Twilight's head. This letter is more crafted and less raw than I would have absolutely loved. It was still a splendid story, all told.
3370276
I agree. Using a letter to tell a story can be done, but it is quite difficult. I can only recall twice that I've seen it done and still feel complete.
Some commenters have stated that they prefer the incomplete feel of this story. I suppose I can see their point, but I don't share their preferences.
That I personally don't feel that this letter stands as a story is purely a personal opinion, and one that many readers disagree with.
3370346 Indeed. It is only a personal preference. That said, a lot of other readers have said they'd like to see a follow up from Celestia. My OCD means I just can't have a conflict with no resolution, be it the conflict of Twilight not getting replies to her letters being resolved by her sending this one or the conflict of her being upset being resolved by Celestia's reply. As it stands, I don't think the story is incomplete in an awful way, just one that lessens our ability to get in Twilight's headspace. And again, this is why I think this is less of a story than it could be, not why it objectively is a bad story or anything like that.
3370358
It seems that you and Aburi are in agreement that you would like to see more explanation as to why Twilight feels this way - there are holes in your (the reader's) knowledge of how the alluded-to events unfolded and implied emotions built up. Am I interpreting this correctly?
I see the story two separate ways, as of now:
1. It is based on fact, as I have said. In reality, there has been no resolution. No letter. No explanation. Just a gradual backing off until there was no communication whatsoever, leaving a void.
2. In this fictional story, there can be resolution, whether a positive turn of events or a sad closure. I aim to bring one in what I am writing now as another chapter or two. Not sure how much more of the backstory will come in, but some, likely.
3370575 Do as you see fit. I was more referring to the letter itself. I would have liked to have seen other letters Twilight had written being rejected, rather than Twilight simply telling us she's been snubbed. I am sorry to hear that the reality has not changed for better or worse. Oftentimes it's better to have a resolution, even a sad one, than the tension.
...What?
What the hell?! Okay, there better be a good explanation for Celestia acting like this! I demand answers! NOW!
3372039
Agreed.
chrysalis strikes again. seriously, who agrees with me?
3372039
Oh, there IS a good reason. She's still the Celestia we know and love, but there's another factor we will see soon...
3372049 Another factor for the callous attitude? The fact that she apparently condemned Twilight to be miserable? I'm curious as to what that could be. And what could possibly justify it.
Not to mention how the hell she can still be the Celestia we know and love.