- Member Since 11th Dec, 2012
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
VampDash
What is a pony? But a miserable pile of secrets.
VampDash
Joined 11th Dec, 2012 ·
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Dam it all just happened so quick. Stumbled over those errors and bam the chapter is over . Intriquing premise I must say
I'm going to read this later.
I love grimmer dark. I actually just thought of a great grimmer dark fic.
jesus fucking christ
you will now write the next chapter
I like that you have choosen to take the same name as Three days grace animal i have become
media.tumblr.com/74a9a773a706c5cad85ff40648d8f8d0/tumblr_inline_mq7z3pg7AM1qz4rgp.gif
This is some sexy shit.
2983160 And pray tell where are these errors that you speak of?
2984339 errors like
There all one sentence
put some fucking commas and full stops in there , .
Get an editor or some shit coz this needs some serious work, especially in the comma department
It's a good fic with an interesting concept but its ruined by the overly long sentences and lack of commas
2984586 I hope the changes I made fixed this issue.
Rainbow Dash, her pride and joy, had a giant bite mark on her right fetlock. Blood was dripping from her mouth, which meant only one thing, she did this to herself.
A comma before 'she did this to herself' makes it read better
Also new line, new speaker. So that means everytime a character talks, it's a new paragraph
The summary:
Change it to:
I believe that the phrase "to shut the door" sounds really odd. I suggest you speak more literally here, like "Save herself" or "Control herself" or some such phrasing.
Over all, the summary is an example of horrible grammar and mechanics usage. Despite how interesting your story seems, I refuse to read a story where the author puts so little effort into the summary. It is supposed to grab my attention and hint at the quality of the story, not make me want to throw up because of so many stupid errors. You may have the most amazing story in the world, but If you cannot take the time to edit it and correct your mistakes, then you are a fool.
2985706 Wow harsh
also fixed
Yeah, I'll just leave this here...
2985706 You capitalized "If" in the last sentence when you didn't need to.
2986836
Wow, I'm an idiot. A hypocritical one at that.
2986862 I'm sorry for making you look dumb
That said, you were rather harsh on him for his grammar. What you should have said is "this needs a proofreader".
Hmm. This is an interesting premise, but I'm not too sure about the execution. Things are paced a bit too fast for my tastes - could use some more 'fluff', immersion, setting, emotion, et cetera. Then again, I'm a bit of a flowery writer myself...
Also, yes, there are some errors in sentence structure - you have a tendency towards run-on sentences. They've already been pointed out, though.
2992089 The prologue is the only one that's going to suffer this.
2992095 All right, I'll wait and reserve judgement.
By the way, good to see another Prototype fan. :P
"Rainbow Dash the Cloudsdale cannibal"
I can see it now, "Hello Twilight, how are those lambs? Have they stopped screaming?"
Or do I just like that movie WAAAY to much?
3011216 Twilight silenced the lambs
Also get an editor to go through this, I saw a lot of grammital and spelling mistakes.
3011631 "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."
Rainbow Lecter?
I think Dashie would make a decent Hannibal Letter. Though she would be a better Clarice Starling.
3011631>>3011803 While this story is not based entirely off of the silence of the lambs Rainbow's "other" half is, in fact, based on Hannibal Lector with the psychotic tendencies of joker a little bit.
3011873 so still no editor?
3012243 No I have one why?
3012271 there a whole boat load of grammar and spelling errors in there
can your editor READ!?
When a new character speaks, you need to start a new paragraph
Fava beans and a nice chianti
3077609 Wow second person to guess one of my inspirations for the villainess
When is the next chapter coming out?
3162184 img.izismile.com/img/img5/20120224/640/soon_meme_collection_640_04.jpg
Wait, so is Rainbow Dash possessed? I'm confused.
3177832 Split personality.
3179405 Oh, that makes more sence
i49.tinypic.com/2v0lws3.jpg
3292384 HEY!!! I GOT ANOTHER CHAPTER READY SHE JUST HAS TO GO THROUGH EDITING FIRST DANG IT!!
3292405 Sorry, I didn't know
3292534 Hey, hey don't cry... I DON'T TAKE WIMPS HERE! But seriously it's okay.
3292553 I put it there as a joke. I'm no wimp.
Dun... ah you get the point, good job still
Awesome!
no comment...
3325186 Good or bad?
3325308 Both
3325386 Okay then crituqe me both the good and the bad.
3325387 I liked it but I personally felt like it was a drag to read
3325429 Eh sorry about that but I felt that this was kind of a make up to some of my earlier readers, people that have stuck with me since I started, due to the fact I usually post about a 2000 word or so chapter with barely any detail put into them.
3325443 I was here since the beginning of this story. It's good, but this chapter felt like a drag to read.
3325710 Sorry I'm trying real hard to try and make everypony happy.
3327082 I never said the story itself was bad.