Morning came into place, and thanks to Twilight and Spike for being kind enough to make a small corner of their upstairs room a place for me to sleep for the night. Though it was cramped, it would have to do for the mean time. Rarity had came to visit the tree-house library as soon as Twilight, Spike and me were up.
Rarity and Twilight started a conversation excluding me and Spike for a while, then I looked at Spike for a moment.
"Hmm...I wonder..."
"Hey Spike?" I said trying to get the purple dragon's attention from Rarity's.
"Huh, yeah Alex?" Spike replied wondering why I called him.
"I would've asked this sooner but... since you and Twilight live under the same roof, or in this case, tree, doesn't that mean you two are ... together?" I said with curiosity.
"W-What?" Spike said with a blushed face. "I'm just her number one assistant, that's all!" Spike said trying to clear a thought from his head.
Twilight and Rarity finished talking and caught wind of me and Spike's talk. "Indeed, darling, these two are no where near being "together" at all." Rarity replied with ease on the topic.
I looked at Spike, then at Twilight and Rarity. "Oh, haha, my bad there..." I said with a sarcastic laugh.
"I want us to finish up preparations for Princess Celestia's upcoming surprise party, I want everything to go accordingly on schedule!" Twilight said pulling out a long list of things to do.
"Huh, who's Princess Celestia?" I asked.
Twilight stopped checking the list and looked at me with glee. "Only the kindest, most wonderful, and faithful and smart and " Twilight was stopped by Rarity's hoof near her mouth.
"She's Equestria's gorgeous princess!" Rarity said in short.
"Really,what's she like!?" I said wanting to know more about Celestia.
"She has the gifts of us unicorn, pegasus and earth ponies alike!" Twilight said, full of excitement on the subject.
"Wow, there's someone in this world like that, sounds like a cool...um..." I paused for a moment. "Wait, if she's all all three, what exactly is she..?" I asked, confused.
"She's an alicorn, Alex!" Spike happily answered.
The moment Spike answered my question, his cheeks started to puff up. "What's wrong Spike, you're not gonna...HURL are you!?" I said stepping back from the tiny dragon.
Spike burped out mysterious, sparkling fumes which formed a spiral of a sort. "Huh..." I said.
"Oh, its a letter from Princess Celestia!" Twilight said in excitement.
"Wait, what letter?" I asked after I saw a scroll appeared from the remaining fumes. "Oh, nevermind..." I said laughing.
"Twilight, have you checked with Pinkie Pie over the preparations of the princess's occasion?" Rarity said while carefully levitating a mirror, tending her mane. "After she's done setting , I'll be displaying my RAVISHING decor during the party!" she added.
"RARITY, I don't mind helping you with your decorations!" Spike said enthusiastically running towards Rarity. Twilight used her magic to capture Spike's tail and put him beside her as she was still looking through her check list.
"Sorry Spike, I'm going to have to need you for further planning ... it says in the note the princess sent that she's coming earlier from Canterlot." Twilight stated.
Spike mumbled to himself.
"The little guy's trying so hard for "Miss Fashionista", haha"
"I'll also need Fluttershy and Applejack to get ready for when she comes, they're handling the side preparations!" Twilight said with one hoof up.
"Wow looks like you ponies have a lot on your plate just to get your party for your princess ready." I said placing my hand over my chin in thought.
Just then, Twilight gave a displeased look after she finished reading the letter.
"Twilight, dear, is there something wrong?" Rarity asked.
"...Princess Celestia wants me to personally introduce her into Ponyville this afternoon."Twilight replied.
"What seems to be the problem with that?" I asked.
"...I was SUPPOSED to help with all the side preparations within the AFTERNOON!" Twilight said as one of her eyes twitched.
"Uh...oh..."Spike said, uneased.
Twilight began to warp everywhere around the library in panic "The schedule will be off, the preparations won't be done, the party might be a disaster...!" Twilight said, still panicing.
Rarity casually slipped out from the library to go start on her decorations as soon as possible, as for Spike and I watch Twilight warp randomly around the library.
"Wow she's even crazier than her being tardied that last time" Spike said while he laughed a little. "To be tardied, what do you mean by that Spike?" I asked.
Spike held up a picture from a book that showed Twilight, well what SEEMED to look like her, but with a bad hair day and a creepy smile. "Holy unicorn at a Scream-O's concert!?" I said outloud.
Twilight appeared next to me. "W-What's wrong Alex!?" she asked hesitantly, totally unaware of the picture Spike had shown. "Um... heh, n-nothing, Twilight." I replied desperately holding in my laughter of the picture.
After a while had passed, Twilight, Spike, and I were preparing for Celestia's party until it was evening. Since Twilight didn't wanted any pony to see me, we found a secluded spot away from town to help blow up all the balloons necessary for the party.
"Hmm, I had almost forgot...did Pinkie finish with the getting the desserts?" Twilight said, mumbling to herself.
"I could go check it on Pinkie if you want, Twilight!" I shouted trying to untangle the balloons from my leg. "Um... a little help here..." I said embarrassed.
"Oh, I gotcha Alex " just when Spike tried to come help me out, there was a loud thunder boom. "W-whoa!" Spike fell on top of me and we became dazed for a short while.
"W-what was that sound, it doesn't look like it's about to rain,does it?" Spike said, still freaked out by the sound. I looked up into the sky to find small peek of multi coloring in a cloud.
"Does she seriously expect that to work on me or anybody...erm...pony?"
"Heh, I think I have hunch on who spooked you..." I said preparing one of the pies from the table where the rest of the balloons were tied to.
"CATCH, RAINBOW DASH!" I shouted throwing pie to her.
"Hahaha, you should've seen the look on your face Spi--" Dash was interrupted by the pie I threw to her face.
"Sweet throw,Alex!" Spike said laughing. Rainbow Dash looked at me and Spike and laughed along with us.
"Well you three seem to be having fun!" said Twilight. "So mind going to go check on Pinkie for me, Alex?" asked clapping her hooves as a sign of saying please.
"Of course!" I said as I was still laughing.
Rainbow Dash licked away all the remaining pie bits from her face and saw Twilight and Spike help me from the ground.
"Hey Al, what do need from Pinkie Pie anyways?" said rainbow Dash.
"Well not sure, but if it's for Celestia's party it's gotta be important!" I replied walking towards the town.
Dash hovered over to me on the cloud she was on right in front of me. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, you sure it's okay to be walking around Ponyville like that!?" Rainbow said pointing her hooves on my shoulder.
"Oh, right, forgot I have to be hidden from pony society..." I said, slightly uncomfortable with the situation.
"Just great, how am I going to go get to Pinkie now?"
"Hmm..." I kept thinking and thinking until I had an idea. I looked at Dash on her cloud.
"Cloud...above city...going without getting caught..." I said staring at her. "Yea, you need to find a way to get to Pinkie Pie..." She said gazing back at me confused.
"..." I was silent.
"Rainbow Dash, can't you TAKE A HINT!?"
"...Oooooooooooh, you want me to fly you over Ponyville to not get spotted, right?" Dash said with a sarcastic-like smile.
"Ha ha, seems great minds think alike!" I said as we high-fived each other, hand to hoof.
"But Alex won't be able to fly on the cloud, remember he's human, not not like all pegasi." Twilight stated
"No worries, I gave THIS cloud here I'm on a little more fluff to hold Alex up for a while till we get there, I'm sure it'll work!" Rainbow Dash said in a relaxed pose upon the cloud.
"You're....*gulp* sure...?"
Twilight trotted towards me to tell where I needed to go. "Pinkie should be in Sugar Cube Corner, since everypony is helping out in preparing for Celestia's party, there won't be that many ponies in that part of town who'll see you,good luck!" Twilight said with a slight wave of the hoof.
Rainbow Dash allowed me on board her cloud. "WHOA!" I shouted. "What's up, Al!?" Dash asked in an instant.
"This cloud is...SO FLUFFY!!!" I said in awe.
"Hehe, yea I find them sorta comfy myself!" Dash said as she bonked my head sort of like a small slap on the back,only lighter, for my random statement.
"We should hurry this up, GO TIME!" Dash said as she began speeding through the skies with me aboard.
The wind blowing through as we took flight in the sky made it hard to talk normal, so we had to speak up to hear each other.
"WHOOOOOOOOA, SO THIS IS WHAT IT FEEL LIKE TO LIVE FAST IN THE SKY!?" I shouted as we were going over head of Ponyville.
"YEAH, THIS IS PRETTY COOL, RIGHT ALEX!?" shouted Rainbow Dash, but there was no response.
"ALEX, ALEX, ALEEEEEEEEX?" Rainbow Dash shouted again.
"WHAT'S WRONG, DID THE AWESOMENESS LEAVE YOU SPEECHLESS OR " She shouted as she turned back to see what I was doing but...I wasn't even on the cloud anymore.
She quickly came to a halt on her cloud. "O-oops... don't tell me I dropped him..." She said scratching her head with her hoof and giving another sarcastic smile.
"Wonder where he dropped...." said Dash.
*****
Meanwhile, I was free falling, screaming for my life when I suddenly hit something soft on my landing. "W-Whoa...that was too close for comfort!" I said, sighing in relief.
"Speaking of comfort..." I looked underneath what I was sitting on.
"What luck it was that I dropped on a hayful of...hay!" I said laughing.
Just then I heard a giggle come from behind me. "H-Huh, was that some sort of cute echo...." I said looking around.
"Tehehe, hope you're okay mister creature guy!" said a joy-filled voice out of nowhere.
"Huh, who said that... um can't be Flutter shy or Rarity... so..." then the voice interrupted me.
"Oooooooh, you know Fluttershy and Rarity!?" The pink colored pony'y head popped up in front of my face.
"Holy cow!" I said, surprised by the ponies sudden appearance.
The pink pony giggled at my random reaction. "Aaaaaaaaany friends of theirs are best of bestest friends of mines!" She said with a slight laughter.
"I bet this little pink one is Pinkie Pie, she's as energetic as Mia...just a bit more pink."
"W-Well hey there... um..." I paused.
"It's Pinkie Pie, mister creature guy!" She happily implied.
"Oh, well what do you know, I was right, ha ha!" I said, but all of a sudden Pinkie disappeared from in front of me.
"W-Where in the name of Ponyville did she go...oh great... now I'm replacing my words with "pony" references!" I said facepalming myself.
"Aww, don't hit yourself mister creature guy." said Pinkie.
"What the..!" I said looking behind me. "Hey Hey~♪" She said laughing.
"Pinkie, what are you doing disappearing like that?" I asked.
"Oh that's because I wanted to let you know that you had a balloon on you, ha ha!" She replied pointing her hoof at it. "What are you talking about...oh." I noticed it and starting laughing as I untied it from my leg and let it float away.
"You'll need WAY more balloons if you want to fly!" Pinkie said giggling.
"Um... please call me Alex,Pinkie." I said laughing a little.
"Oh by the way, Pinkie, Twilight told me to come see if you had the --" before I could finish my sentence, Pinkie slammed a pie in both of our faces.
"Desserts~♪" Pinkie said licking the pie from around her face and smiling.
"I kinda like this pony, AND this cake!"
I licked the pie off my face like Pinkie.
All of a sudden her tail flared up. "Oh no,not now!" She said gasping and rushing into a nearby building, then came back out with a multi-colored umbrella hat on. "Um..." That was all I could say, staring at Pinkie in an odd way.
"Hurry Alex, duck under something right now!" She said hiding under a nearby fruit stand.
"Why... would I do tha " all of a sudden, Rainbow Dash fell on top of me.
"Ow!" I said in agony,
"Whoops, again... not one of my best landings huh?" Dash said with a small laugh.
"Ugh...you think!" I said trying to gently remove Rainbow Dash off of me. Dash floated back up to the cloud she must have dropped from and Pinkie's tail stopped twitching.
"Phew, my tail stopped twitching, I guess it's safe to come out now~♪" Pinkie said, taking off the umbrella hat and jumping back to me.
"Ouch...what happened" I said still trying to get rid of the pain.
"I was TRYING to warn you about it, Alex!" She said jumping around me.
"Um, not really, all you did was twitch your tail wildly and got a silly umbrella hat..." I said, scratching my head.
"That's because of my "Pinkie Senses", don't you know about that, silly?" She asked, playfully.
"No... but i DO know what spidey senses are, does that count?"
Dash called out to me from her cloud above "Hey Alex!?" she shouted.
"Are you you okay, seems I went a bit TOO fast when you were flying with me!" She said, lowering the cloud.
"Yea I'm cool, a bit of hay still on the back of my jacket, but... I'm good!" I replied with a thumbs up to Rainbow Dash.
"Aaaaaaaaanyways, mister creature guy-- I mean Alex..!" She giggled a little before she continued. "Why'd you fall out of the sky, my tail never EVER predicted that would happen!" Pinkie said, still hopping around me.
"Haha, you're definitely like Mia...in more ways than one." I said ,stopping Pinkie in her tracks. She smiled at me.
"So full of joy, I bet nothing brings this pony down!"
"Since you have everything Twilight needed for the party, guess that's it!" I said with a grin. "Seems you girls will give this Celestia person...I mean pony queen an awesome party!" I said smiling.
"Oooooooh, by the way Dashie, wanna go prank some ponies after there's time from party planning?" Pinkie said in excitement.
"Sure, why not, I've been aching to get back at Scootaloo for that pond incident, hehe!" Dash said with a vengeful smile.
"Oh, but first me and Alex are going to check on Fluttershy and Applejack!" She said in a haste.
"Oh...yea I never met Applejack."
"Oh yea, that's right, you've never met AJ yet, don't worry she doesn't bite...much." Dash said laughing.
"Okey Dokey Lokey, have fun finishing up~la la la la~♪" Pinkie said happily skipping back the way she came from.
Rainbow Dash hoisted me up upon her cloud and started towards Fluttershy's cottage.
"Um...mind not speeding crazily like last time?" I asked hesitantly with a distinct laugh.
"Aw come on, I should never make the same mistake twice, Alex!" Dash said giving a confident glare as she turned around to see how I was doing. Sadly, I wasn't there on the cloud... again.
W-Whoops...I really did...do it again,heheh.: Dash said with a blank expression.
"Well at least I DID "drop" him off at Fluttershy's place!" She recovered laughing and continued flying.
*****
I had landed on some neatly trimmed bushes, grunting over Dash's sense in "bad landing".
"I have a feeling that pegasus just tried making a joke off my fall..." I said pouting.
"Well at least I'm at Fluttershy's home, wonder why it's all the way out here outside Ponyville...?" I said, heading for the short crossway above a miniature brook.
I then spotted a bunny that looked oddly familiar. "Hmm, oh look a bunny, I wonder what it's doing here..." I said. I waited for a moment before picking it up.
"Hold the phone!" I said removing my hands away from the little innocent creature. "You're...ANGEL!" I said pointing at the bunny.
It was glaring at me with serious eyes as I was returning the same look. "Round 2, eh?" I said pulling up my sleeves ready to pounce the bunny for revenge. Angel signaled the "come at me" action.
"Angel!" said a serious, yet soft voice. "You shouldn't go picking on others because " the voice came from Fluttershy, who's eyes widened in surprise that I was coming to see her.
"Oh my, mister Alex, I didn't expect you to be here." She said, trying to separate me and Angel from going into any violence.
"Mhm, it's good to see you..and that little fluffy demon... again!" I said smiling at Fluttershy. Angel spat his tongue out at me, mocking me with his ears on Fluttershy's back.
"Why I ought a..." I murmured, balling up my fist.
"Oh, mister Alex why don't you come in and talk for a while?" Fluttershy said nudging me with her head and hooves towards her home.
"Whoa, why so keen on talking in a rush?" I said laughing and trying to not to be force to approach her cottage.
"W-Well you see..." Fluttershy's face became a little red. "W-W-Well...I... really wanted to...." She covered her excitement.
I looked at Fluttershy. "This had better not be what I think it is...I know I'm handsome,but..." I thought to myself.
"What's wrong Fluttershy, you can tell me." I said petting her on the head.
"Twilight told me that where you come from, there are pigs that fly." She said trying to contain her blush.
"W-Wha " I said as I stopped petting her.
"Was that... too soon to mention mister Alex..?" Fluttershy said, slightly blushing now.
I stared at Fluttershy, seems she was misunderstood just as Twilight. "Oh..." I said with a small laugh.
"Seriously, was that all..." I said facepalming myself.
"Fluttershy...that's not something to blush THAT much over...though it is cute when you DO blush." I thought to myself.
Fluttershy started to rubbing my head with her hooves. "It's okay, mister Alex" She said contently.
"Though...I'd really love to hear about them still." She continued with a blissful smile.
"Yeah, I've got plenty of tales about...flying pigs ..." I replied laughing a little.
"When I said I wanted something unexpected to happen, I didn't realize THIS would happen...but at the same time,I'm glad that it did"
*****
2377156 To be honest with you, it was a random story I wanted that kind of appealed to all the factors (Comedy, a little dark, slice of life, and then a little of the elements I can't seem to name)
I'd say I want it to be mostly comedy if you share my type of comedy twist in the story! <('. ' <)
2377156 It doesn't get as serious until the later chapters ( sorry I'm being difficult to explain it, lol.)
2377339 Yes ... it's the hoodie -w- ( sry for the random follow!)
And the reason I switch it from comedy to serious is because ....I thought that it would give others a feel of...well, how MLP is when it airs, but with a different plot and set of characters.
Think of some of the episodes, how some were funny and filled with the mane 6 being happy together, then Discord turns up and ruins all the fun.
Or "Too Many Pinkie Pies" One moment multiple Pinkies were AWESOME ( and it was), but she overdid it and things took a turn for the worse.
That's how I want the story line to be looked as.
I don't think this story if meant to cover on full genre, but at least 3 or 4 of them.
That's all... v.v
2377339 You may not have anything posted yet, but who says I can't follow you before you have a "number 1" written fan fic on the site, THEN you might start to have a lot of followers, lol.
I'm just following those who's helped me...to learn more that is, I feel like it's what I'm meant to do! o.o"
2377366>>2377253
The reason I always ask people if what their trying to write comedy is because I'm very nitpicky in dialogue and ways of speech, in a serious story my comments are not going into depth ears and are actually being considered, the main points I ask are of broken logic, un-continuous dialogue and phrases that make no sense alone that I found spread throughout your story. Usually that means a not-to-take-serious comedy.
But if what you're saying is true, and this story has a pourpose prepare yourself for one DAMN comment.
Plot holes and characterization.
Spike's already calling the Main character by name in laps on conversation, after they already started a conversation. If you talk to someone you know closely this happens often, but with a complete stranger, it does not.
So in this story humans have the ability to stand on clouds with no explanation...there's really nothing else to it.
Rainbow dash drops someone to his doom and she sarcasticly smiles?! What kind of twisted image you have of her?!
Really, don't you think there's a better time to deepen the character, like a tranquil moment when he thinks more deeply about it, I would be better if you just said that 'she reminds me of someone.'
He is in AGONY and she responds with a SMALL LAUGH, you could've used pain and shamed laugh, but NOO~ you had to use the specific ones that make this another twisted image in my mind.
That was very subtle.
Yeah, you're already one of their best friends because of how they speak to you and you haven't even met the whole gang yet, yippee.
I will stop speaking of this entirely now.
Errors of simple magnitude, and way's writing better your story.
And just for the sake of size I will correct one type of problem and leave you to notice the others.
The description of how people are like is above; the description of how people LOOK LIKE is below.
As I have said in my previous comments for a simplistic continues understanding phrase, it's permitted to unite two branches of dialogue minimum to a phrase, of course making sure that the dialogue is based on the same idea and that any needed process occurred between them.
(And I'm not going to talk about the fact that Spike is basically Twilight's Son/Brother/Step-Brother)
If you notice there're two things that can make the reading process better; it is usual logic that when you describe a person doing an action, that the same person does the next dialogue unless the description goes against this fact, and so if you're going to make anyone speak after making a description of another character, it would be better to make it obvious by saying in the description itself that you're making that particular character speak.
And in the end of the phrase you are giving unnecessary information.
(Damn this was a hard one)
I can't believe you didn't use the opportunity to comment about the fact that something happened inexplicably, or was it lack of attention?
Here you were about to do the continuous speaking I already talked about, but failed in the most important detail... the last comma.
"I want us to finish up preparations for Princess Celestia's upcoming surprise party; I want everything to go accordingly on schedule!" Twilight said as she pulled out a long list out of thin air, "huh, who's Princess Celestia?" I asked.
You are making one phrase with two dialogues of two different characters, DON'T!
Or…
The description said everything one needed to know about the dialogue, pick one.
You can use anything BUT "" double quotations to be used as thoughts.
2377393
If that's what you ment to do there's no issue, I have really nothing to add to this comunity other than my brainy comments, so me being followed is a really big dead, that's all.
2377670 oh, well... I understand, but I'm trying my best to make the story more enjoyable to read.
2378356
The style you chose to write is the unusual comedic stand point, these can have all kinds of logistic laps and not be affected, but all this crumbles down if you're trying to actually make a story, stories need logistic routs that make sense, or readers will feel as if they're reading someone’s bad self-insert wish-fulfillment story.
If you notice, the stories like yours where the character dies and appears in Equestria, just from the beginning the logic failed the audience, and from that moment people are looking out for the common self-insert wish-fulfillment story, and if they see anything else that doesn't make sense they simply stop reading.
That's why I'm here.
I comment about every single piece of bad formed plot point and characterization of canon in ACTUAL stories, to make them better.
Some try, others fall down and burn, but in the end those who listened did something great and unique while others that I'll not mentioned, ended up to a point that would make anyone cringe.
Now, my comments are there to be used, but they don't mean a thing if what I comment doesn't have anything to do with the point you're trying to get across.
So in the end this depends on the purpose of your story, if it's a story made for others to enjoy and it's not total a comedy, then you have to take in mind what I commented, if not, then just shrug me off and move on with your life.
2378416 Don't worry I'll take in what you've said, I'll try to develop my skills,Dex, but I do really appreciate it.
You brought up some good points, so I'll think it through, but I can't change much of the First chapter now since it might affect the rest of the story, but I see where you're coming from.
Hopefully I'll get everything "on point".
2378567
On point.
2378595 noted ^ ^"...