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i like this so far, let's see were it will go
Not bad
Not bad!
I'm gonna track this one, good job!
I am gonna try and upload a new chapter today, but I also have to work on a research paper.
i'm willing to give it a chance
Oh, a new HIE, what will it be about....
No tags other than human? Well it has been done before...description is nice enough, only 1000 word's but that's really no problem...
*Reads*
...Aaaalright?
Author, are you aware that the speed of the events this story goes by, is at such an extreme, that I almost couldn't keep up with it? Or was that your purpose?
I mean, there's no pacing whatsoever and no description either; one sentence I'm in a cave so I start to explore and Boom the exit without describing the type of cave I'm in, if its dark or I awoke close to the exit, the seeing of light, without knowing anything at all, I really don't know what's going on or what I'm trying to do.
Am I trying to get home? or just plane survival? I got no real understanding of my purpose or what drives me.
I could say that this has potential in the basic idea, it really does, but...
dailypicksandflicks.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/slow-down-youre-gonna-kill-us-both-kitten.jpg
I have to say, this has to be two things for this kind of speed:
One. This has to a wish fulfilment story of the authors choosing, where we become a Mary Sue, or...
Two. This is a parody to the seven billion HIE's out there that have done the same thing.
I do hope this is the latter, because if this even tries to call itself anything other than a speed runner HIE parody, 'as it is right now', I'll laught in the face of its ineptitude and then prossed to erase any prior knowledge of this story from my memory. But if this is a parody towards HIE's I'll watch where this is heading, with pride.
it's a bit cliche and he's op (gary stu) but i'll read the next few chapters and judge the story then.
What the what? WTF Just happened!
Soooooo wolverine anybody?
There are no words that could define what is going through my mind because of this chapter, luckily there are images.
The speed is still high by the way.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/27623603.jpg
THIS error in particular was the definition of error at its finest.
Not only does your character say Fluttershy's name before she introduces herself, making a critical mistake, Fluttershy doesn't seem to mind that an never seen before creature knows her name, AND she's getting used to a complete stranger, and unknown species at that, in less than a minute, now THAT'S efficiency. Oh, goody, mary sue land here we go.
Two chapters max, then I'll bleach my brain.
2241753
I do think so, but it could be anything, really.
2240613 Look at this stories name. In a life or death situation, you don't have time to "slow down" it's do or die. I will try to be more detailed in the upcoming showdown.
2242115 Thank you for showing me those, and i know were your going, but she's kindness bro, he was injured. Beside's i have a bit of... pain about to be received by the character, so... wait and see.
2241753 he's gonna be... more than just wolverine.
2242622 so what the entirety of the x-men combined then or something
2242535
In the start of chapter one, there was no 'do or die' situations which needed fast pacing, until he came upon the manticore. Notice that my complains about pacing are in the cave where 'I'm' trying to get 'my' bearings.
You always have to THINK before you do, as so say in your description, your MIND is your best weapon and to think you need information, and with no description his decisions would not make sense to anyone other than the author or the character himself, but because this is a second person perspective I'm sure that it is us, the readers, that should know the information and think of how 'we' would do in that situation.
The way you put the story would be better in a first person perspective, and you would still need to describe how things happen, slowly in slow moments, I didn't even know we where at the everfree until the manticore; no 'creepy feeling forest' or 'scary atmosfere' or 'jungle like place', nothing.
When I read it, I'll believe it.
2242620
When did I insinuated anything about her not being her element?
Remember specificly what I said...
In less than a minute you don't get used to someones antics, that takes time, lots and lots time; where you understand a person, see his or her personality and understand their way of being themselves, that is when you truly know a person, and be used to his/her antics.
Never in less than a minute. If that's a mistake please fix it.
The other mistakes were like:
The double apostrophe is necessary to help conclude the thought.
Same here.
Is this supouse to be come, come for dramatic effect? or you just accidently put cone twice.
These are simple mistakes.
And many more with 'your' and 'you're', capitals, 'I'm', and all the others you fixed before I made this comment, which were the really bad ones, but their fixed so you'll hear no complaining from me about that anymore.
2242859 There is an explanation to why Fluttershy gets used to it in the chapter after the fight with the timberwolves. I will try to the best of my ability to explain, I had a really tight schedule the days I made the first two chapter's of the story, so that's why it seems rushed (didn't have time to proof read, had to RUN to my church on an empty stomach, never run on an empty stomach). I had a very powerful brainstorm this morning, so to give you some hints, here it is:
1.The "reflection" will play a HUGE part in the upcoming chapters
2. I'm thinking of adding fight music, but not to the timberwolf fight.
3. I know he seems wolverine status but look at this
There are more changes (PAINFUL ONES) to happen to his body.
4. Remember, his body is adapting to the magic in equestria, and absorbing it to make his chances of survival and assimilation, the best they can be (but... this creates a problem)
I thank you for your criticism and input on my story, trial and error. This is actually my first legitimate story I've ever made on fimfiction. Thank you for your time.
2242731 No not at all... it's something, primal.
2241176 He being overpowered (OP)... will come at a painful price...
2245077 as long as he's not a gary stu im okay with it
2245110 When he meets the main six i'll start with the personality development. But that's a far way from now.
2244744
Sure, no prob.
Dude is your story, you don't need to rush it, you're not getting paid for this (or are you?
) you should think of making it good, before making it fast.
But just make sure to fix, as I said in my comment...
Your description and detail.
AND LOOK OUT IF YOU MAKE HIM A GARY STU (male, mary sue)
Explanation of gary stu.
Gary Stu is not always about how beutiful is his hair, and if he can kill cthulhu with his fists. It's about what he does to the story.
There's a line between a well developed character and Gary Stuing; justification (or lack thereof) for his abilities, or how fantastically improbable his backstory is. It's about how the character is defined exclusively by external traits and his actions to the point of being shallow, and about how all other characters are defined by their attitude to him. If the plot still bends over backwards to facilitate him, he's a Gary Stu.
It's about how, he completely overtakes the canon characters in importance.
It's about how people act wildly out of character around him and elevate his status well above what he should realistically be able to obtain.
Above all, it is about wish-fulfillment, and it comes in many forms. There's nothing wrong with a little or even a lot, but when the wish-fulfillment a character uses starts to warp the narrative and characterization around it, then you may be looking at a Gary Stu.
Make sure to avoid these, at all costs.
Hmmm...
So to commence, I need to talk about the movement between 'me' and the 'reflection'...
...
THAT WAS AWESOME!
Now that's what I call a good story perspective, the change between ways of talking in narration was very creative, more on what they said, how and when, as to what was really going on. It was really well thought through and it made to a very clear understanding of the way of thought of both 'me' and the 'reflection'.
Good god that made me feel good.
The characters were well portrayed in dialogue, specially Applejack, I can see that you must of seen the episodes where she spoke a couple of times to make sure you got it right, right?
Now you're getting better at detail but it's not enough to be taken at heart, but it's enough to be understood.
I'll not speak of the way Twilight took the situation, because it's part of your plot, so i'll not touch it.But I'll talk about all the reactions I had with specific things.
(I know that you will state that it wasn't 'me' that fought and killed the wolves at the beginning, but from what I can see in the next narrations is to prove, they do the same things but with different thoughts about it, and killing five wolves on a pack of 25 is clasified as fighting.)
(What I mean is you should use something to point out the fact that a transition will come to pass so people don't feel being pulled away too harshly, like a thought of both 'me' and the reflection about the moment 'we' jumped to get off the action packege. And use more lines or more than two (*) to define the transitions of long distinces like so.)
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Ponyville before the king timberwolf fight
**************************************************************************************************************************************************
(To be more specific, if you would have been more specific about her position in the library like if she was in her balcony or close to a window with the everfree at sight, this woldn't be an issue.)
(what was that sound? It woke me up...")
or (what was that noise? It woke me up...")
(Add that she was using her magic, those kind of details do matter.)
2258057 Thanks bro. Took your comment to heart and used that transition you said. Since the thought of twilight zoning out and staring into a wall is absolutely hilarious, i'll keep it there as a hidden joke. I'm thinking of a name for the reflection, any suggestions?
Doppleganger, Manifestation, Skyler, Raine, Hallow, Teagan. I would say more but sleep is taking me. Bye for now.
2263908 Thanks for the suggestions man. Oh and can you guess what the "reflection" is?
2266289
There are vast possibility’s in which I would go mad with the details. So to be short I'll say the top three I got from my head.
One: He's a manifestation of 'my' inner self, that inner beast with lack of remorse or empathy that we leave behind as we grow up and mature, the part of us all that wants to survive at all cost, (Like the title) which got himself self-consciousness because 'magic'.
Two: Is something that affects every creature of the category of Power, (his transformation) affecting the inner self to fall into madness, (like Discord or Nightmare Moon) to use their power to survive (the tittle) and spread their wicked ideas.(King Sombra)
Three: Is just who 'I' really am to the core, as 'I' always have been, through years and years of pushing those thoughts away in a corner; closing them, confining them, but now in a world full of magic, that part of 'me' has its own thoughts, own plans, own goals...which includes me.
Dramatic.
2268353 You hit the nail on the head with number 1 bro.
2270555
Hurrah! I get a cookie!
COOKIES FOR EVERYONE!!
t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRRta2d7KiOCO8tJItHqSlXYcnBesKmT1HZ20L0ihaOpMclATJKAw
2271777 chapter 4 done
this story is awesome
2289356 Thank you
Read it, saw a lot that needs to be commented, but I will be back to tell you what I thought of this tomorrow, today is not a good day.
2291064 I hope you feel better bro
2292768
I'm back, sorry for not keeping my promise about commenting the day after. The day was bad, really bad, seriously bad.
Let us begin...(Why don't my emoticons appear?
)
Plot holes and characterization.
real smooth.(SARCASM)
First I have to say, real smooth in the insertion of that OC,
It's not so much of Rarity fainting but Rainbow green and Applejack vomiting, Rainbow is more plausible vomiting candidate, not Applejack, Applejack is tough, Rainbow is fast.
Forth wall breaking Pinkie Pie.... Great.
(SARCASM)
Again real smooth in the insertion of that OC,
real smooth.(SARCASM)
Empathy towards an completely alien creature that might as well be a demon from all they know...
believable.(SARCASM)
This is taking it too far, and dude with this kind of characterization I believe him to have a fetish or a mental disorder, or be a mary sue.
But he’s still creepy as fuck.
Wut?
Did you take my idea of madness because of power to heart?
So you're saying with this is that instead of using the elements of harmony that are the only artifacts known to be able to eliminate the 'reflection' they're going to show him what the elements are representing so he doesn’t become immortal.
You know where the lack of logic is, right?
Using the power of the elements is what separated the 'reflection', not knowing what they represent!
Oh and just in case you think like, 'giving the power one by one' is not going to make him immortal, you're wrong! As you stated before he absorbs magic, letting time pass only gave him time to adapt it, having any kind of power given separated instead of united wouldn't do much, achieving a level of magic does.
You were thinking like giving me a slice of ham today, and after a week, two slices of bread and don't expect me to taste a sandwich, but if I absorbed the ham, after the week I would still have the ham within me and when the bread comes I'll make a sandwich.
Because if it is from the elements that he becomes immortal in means that he achieves after absolving the elements the immortality, not by different burst intervals.
Which means that they're not trying to avoid making 'me' immortal, they're trying to avoid making the reflection immortal, but the elements are the only thing that separates 'me' from the reflection, which means Celestia's logic is stupid as hell.
What this is, is a lame excuse for ‘me’ the main character to meet individually each and every one of the main six separately so they have some kind of connection individually.
Errors of simple magnitude, and way's writing better your story.
Again with the main six, is the narrator the main character that's not in the scene at the moment?
Because now it's a third person narration your narrator is not part of the story so (he/she/it) speaks indifferently, but of course this isn't an issue if its Twilights mind we're interacting with.
For a second I thought this was dialogue.
Didn't you mean at the same time? If so...
I expected better from you Twilight
You know it's impossible to, 'lock and load', without a gun, right?
If it's a continuous speech you can't pause with periods without leaving the idea floating.
There was no anticipation build up whatsoever; this could only be a buildup if your character goes around the information a couple of times before saying it at least three steps.
Example:
This made me laugh.
Wise is a name now.
Nope, thoughts are with simple 'quotes'
Also 'quotes'
You could of used this moment better, by dividing it with different reactions of Fluttershy or Celestia in different moments in her description. But oh, well.
You tried to organize here, but failed quite noticeably.
You know what, this is obvious misconception of use so I'll stop correcting them, and you know where these ones are at.
Don't compress so much information in one piece of paragraph, separate them.
Well that was fast as hell; didn't I tell you before, slow for slow, fast for fast? This moment is slow.
There is a lot more in the next part, but most are equal if not the same as above.
2307082 thanks for the tips. I'll try to go back and solve these.
2307082 You just gave me the biggest brain blast of all time, thank you.
2307423
You mean the immortality thing right?
2307436 The human would gain immortality...because his body would absorb the magic. Riddle me this, how was the reflection made?
2307610
Alright this ones a toughy...
The reflection is made when extreme amounts of magic are in play, this one was created by 'my' will to survive....
Human would gain immortality, because his body absorbs magic....
Because of the magic in Equestria 'my' body is adapting to it....
The other blood red orb started to form the moment 'we' used the key's, giving 'my' will to survive his own mind 'he' is his own being now....
So to conclude, the reflection was made by magic, and magic makes 'me' immortal....
So... Magic makes me the reflection, who is immortal?
I'm seriously lost...
2307735 The reflection was given conciseness, ergo 'birth', from equestria's magic. The human was not. Can you see where I am going with this?
What, that the reflection is the only one that can be immortal?
2307856 Compile the facts, okay
1. The reflection was 'born' in equestria, though the magic of equestria what does that make it?
2. What would happen if they separated the reflection from the human, and used the elements of harmony on the reflection?
think about it...
3. The only way to separate the reflection is with the elements...BUT don't you think that Celestia, in all her wisdom, would have a back up plan in case the elements were rendered unable to be used?...
2312772
I would leave the answer to the story then, wouldn't want that much info getting out beforehand would you?
2313100 Eeeyup. I'm working on the chapter now.
2313100 The idea you helped me get was amazing. If you were in front of me, i would give you a man hug.
2313130
I'm here to read, help and learn.
deviantart.com/download/309070386/man_hug_rules_by_merytsetesh-d540g8i.jpg
3.bp.blogspot.com/-wvWg2JTsa6A/T7lliY3YqdI/AAAAAAAAATY/oH23vx_P294/s1600/man+hug.jpg
deviantart.com/download/261621166/man_hug_by_hour27-d4brg6m.jpg
2313470 chapter five is out.
2314294
Are you actually waiting for my comments on your story each time you post a new chapter?
But that for later, first my comment for this chapter.
Plot holes and characterization.
First, it goes without saying that the 'Lyra believes in humans' is overused, but if done right it could work, and especially because it seems to be comedy, I'll let that be.
HA
The next scene was bad.
The scene which Wise Words loses his cool could have been possible if he wasn't a royal guard and if in his earlier characterization would have been shown as someone with little patience; for example he survived PINKIE PIE without flinching, you even dedicated a couple of paragraphs to complement this fact.
But he can't take one outburst of a NORMAL MARE'S REACTION TO SOMETHING UNNORMAL,(At least as normal for ponydom) I would've found it believable if he entered and they started screaming and even with his magic he wasn't getting through and after a OBVIOUS AMOUNT OF TIME he starts to break slowly, his failure to the princess and denial of his ability (Cutie Mark) slowly break into him and THEN he blows.
It was obvious that you were using the CMDD (Cutie Mark Denial Disorder) where ponies who's cutie marks are denied go crazy (Flutterangry, Pinkie Mad), but this had no build up to it, no realism, I broke my face with how hard I face palmed at this scene.
That scene NEEDS the buildup part badly.
No, it doesn’t happen in less than a sentence, show the mare that was partially killed with word laughing under her tears before the room starts to laugh again.
The scene of Lyra's epic reaction was funny, but if Pinkie would've done something a little more epic, it would have been called for, but as it is it's not as big of a deal.
Make Twilight keep asking for things and Pinkie keeps giving them to her, and THEN you do that kind of reaction.
Didn't I already told you a better way of doing transitions?
...
I'll... just quote yourself...
One of these two quotes doesn't make sense, fix it, or explain.
Which also collides with...
Take an Idea at a time dammit!
Great... Forth wall breaking Pinkie.
Are we in a non-canon universe where they beat Chrysalis with the elements?
This is unnecessary if you'll have the people choose who goes first, but it's the end so who cares.
Now there's a fact that's bugging me now, more than before, the rout this story is going, based on its description and name is very misleading, you should change at least the description to a more noticeable point so people don't get their hopes of seeing survival based story's (which brought me here from the start by the way.)
Errors of simple magnitude, and way's writing better your story.
Close in the beginning and we already have two problems with phrasing:
First you need to divide your sentences in emotions and motions of your characters each and every time you put a period should only be when they change their idea.
Second, don't go saying what you already said in the dialogue, it is supposed to speak for itself.
You do the same error at the description but not the dialogue, be consistent dammit!
Same issue.
Same.
Same, and did Twilight make an impression of Luna?
Same
Same.
Was this an attempt to fix these kind of errors or a new error? And I think these are enough for you to find the rest.
Here's the list of what this sentence has:
Description of Arrival to front gates, description of Carriage in sky, description of Carriage landing, description of Celestia's appearance and the beginning of Celestia's dialogue, and the description of the carriage leaving.
All in one sentence...
Damn man, divide and conquer, divide and conquer!
But to end this, this story derailed badly from what I first thought it would be, but well it's not my choice to make.
2314989 too. many. woooords.
