Hero
..."ugh..."
You start regaining your consciousness. You see that your head is slightly elevated, and you still see the cold unforgiving dirt that you've grown to hate after that little "lunch date" with that manticore. But... something's different.
"I'm warm... and moving"
Ever so slowly, your body is being moved forward and you start looking around. To see...
"Flutter...shy?"
Her face, as you deduced from the show usually looking shy or reserved, has the look of unshakable determination. Your abdomen is across her back and she's moving forward. She smells of honey and flowers, and those big expressive eyes are looking directly forward. She must be so focused on moving you, she didn't notice that you woke up.
"wow... didn't know she had it in her, well she did stare down a dragon into tears... I don't think even batman's glare can do that."
Your impressed at the gumption she has. Her tiny, frail frame supporting all your weight, and the fact that your a human a completely different thing than she's used to. She had trouble meeting new ponies because of her shyness, now she's carrying you on her back!
"Well... I'm gonna have to break the ice eventually."
You try to speak, but its raspy, and barely above a whisper.
"Thank...you" you barely wheeze out.
You feel her body tense and she stops dead in her tracks. She looks to her left to see you give her a thankful, put strained smile. Your left arm is still in pain from the lucky swipe the manticore got, and that same arm is the one you "fed" the manticore with, so it's probably broken. Your dumbass try's to move said arm, big mistake.
"AAOW!" you holler in pain.
Fluttershy immediately responds, as if your scream of pain flipped a switch inside her.
"Oh Dear, please don't move, your body is still sore from when you fought that manticore, and I don't have the expertise to fix your arm. So please try to stay still so we can get back to my cottage."
She gives you a concerned look with those big expressive eyes of hers
"So...cute" you think. Her gaze, the warmth of her body, and her soothing voice succeed in taking the pain away.
"Thank you for carrying me, I don't know what would have happened if you weren't around when you were. I owe my life to you."
She blushes and her head retreats a little bit inside that big pink mane of hers.
"Oh... it's nothing really, I'm doing what anypony else would have done. Even though I've never seen anything like you before, I still couldn't just leave you there" She gives you a warm smile.
"The manticore couldn't kill me... but i'm about to die from cute overload." You've seen how cute she is on the show, but Jesus Christ that doesn't compare to seeing her face to face!
"You have a heart of gold, you know that?" you smile back at her, seriously this girl radiates cute. You could just stand her next to a sick person, and they would be cured in a matter of minutes.
"Oh... thank you" She blushes a deeper red.
"Your welco-" Your sentence is uninterrupted by a growl coming from your gut. You blush and give her a sheepish look.
"Oops,.. . guess i'm a tad hungry" You laugh a little bit but stop as you grunt in pain.
Fluttershy gives you a look of concern.
"Oh dear... are you alright?" she says giving you another heart melting look.
"It's just that it hurts to laugh" you say, your head is getting really tired from keeping it up so long at such an odd angle.
"Umm... If you want, I got some carrots in my saddlebags, can you...eat carrots?" the golden Pegasus shyly says
"What now... you use your good arm to feel around her other side and, sure enough, you feel fabric.
" Yes, I can eat carrots, Thank you." As soon as you say that she extends her free wing and proceeds to open and grab a single carrot.
"Woah... never knew wings could be used like that." You say as you stare wide eyed, your hunger momentarily stuffed into the back of your mind to make room for the wonder you feel for Fluttershy's amazing wing dexterity...
Only for your hunger to come back with a vengeance, and promptly kick your sense of wonder in the balls. You with your good arm. gently take the carrot from her wings. But as soon as the carrot is safely in your hands, all notions of gently are push into a busy highway intersection.
"Yum-yum time!" you decree.
It takes three bites to eat your delicious orange victim. Due to the fact you haven't eaten anything since your arrival into equestria, eating the carrot is almost an orgasmic experience.
"Ohh baby that carrot was AMAZING! Best carrot EVER!" you joyfully say. The carrot giving your voice some of the old strength it lost during the manticore chase.
"Ohh...uum... thank you, I grew it myself. I'm no earth pony, but my animals seem to like it." She says with a tiny blush on her face.
" You take care of animals? I envy them." You jokingly say.
"Oh... well it's my special talent- Oh my! Where are my manners!? We never got each other's name!... Oh my... I hope I wasn't too loud, sorry"
" You weren't loud at all, your voice is actually quite soothing" you say, and then smile.
She gets a light blush and smiles. Good she's getting used to you and your antics, awesome... wait.
"Her name is Fluttershy for a reason, why is it so easy to-" Fluttershy cut's your thoughts off.
"Thank you...my name is Fluttershy, what's your's?... If you don't mind saying."
" Not at all, my name is-" Your sentence is interrupted by a snarl, and then the sound of something coming towards you.
"Fluttershy, I think there's something coming towards us" You get off her back and stand up.
"What?... but i was dead tired a minute ago... You move your left arm, and surprisingly, it feels completely fine!
"Fluttershy, what do you put in those carrots? I feel amazing!" You test out your statement by doing a couple stretches.
"Nothing I just-eek!" She stops her own sentence with a cry of fright. You look up to see 10 timberwolves, you've seen them on the show before, come into the light. They have foam coming from there mouths, and it looks like they haven't eaten in a long time. They look at you and Fluttershy like you two the savory morsels that will finally feed there stomach's constant cry's for satisfaction.
"Stay behind me." She doesn't argue with you... strange, you though that she would try to calm these animals. "Fluttershy, can you calm these... animals?" You were tempted to say there name's but you didn't want to raise suspicion.
"Oh no, these timberwolves are starved, they won't listen to reason" Fluttershy gets closer to you, obviously terrified by these, although weakened from hunger, dangerous beasts.
"Don't worry i'll-" Your sentence is cut off when three of the wolves leap at the both of you. Two coming towards you and one coming towards Fluttershy, they probably see her as an easier kill because of her show of fear.
"Fly, Fluttershy!" She goes up into the air and start to climb but the one wolf goes to you, all three of them coming towards you, and a unseen forth wolf comes from the trees, jumps and bites one of Fluttershy's wings.
"AHHHHHH!" She screams and goes down, you decide to take out the wolf that harmed Fluttershy before it finishes the job, having no regard for your own safety. You give it a foot to the face and it falls apart. But one of the three wolfs from behind jumps on you and bites down on your shoulder, and the other two bite down on your legs. Trying to put you on the ground.
"RAHHHHH, WERE NOT! ON! THE MENU!" You scream as you fling the wolf on your shoulder over it, it promptly turns into a pile of useless plants. The two on your legs are helpless as you rip them off, not knowing the human anatomy well, they were biting into your ass.... which HURT. But you thank God that they didn't bite into your... junk.
"Fluttershy, are you okay!?" You go over to her and shield her. Preparing yourself for the six wolfs still left. They were being tactical, not just running in. All of them were moving and coming towards you at different angles and speed.
"clever bastards..." You think as they come towards you... but then you see something that makes your heart drop. A dozen wolf come from the forest and encircle you, leaving you with no route to escape. Three of them jump towards you, aiming for your legs, you manage to pop one of them in the face, but the two that were aiming for you legs hit there mark.
"AHHH DAMN IT!" You scream you your about to rip them off your legs, your mind going back to the state it was when you engaged the manticore, but you hear something... that make's...you... SNAP.
"P-P-Please, help! Please..."
You look back and see 5 wolf's slowly going towards Fluttershy's bleeding,crying form. The outer wolf circle becoming smaller. You realize that if something doesn't happen soon you and Fluttershy-
"Fluttershy... not you... so innocent...so caring...NO." Your mind goes blank.
...
...
...
...
...
"Where... am I?"
You're walking though a dark void, you see a large orb and a mirror. The orb is blue, and some sort of energy is going into it, slowly.
You walk up to the mirror and see yourself in it... only for the reflection to move on its own and open it's eyes.
"Hello..."
"W-Who are you!?"
"You..." The reflection says.
"What no that-" The reflection interrupts me
"This is no time for games. I. AM. YOU. And WE have to make a decision."
"What... kind of decision?" you say.
"Our body has become stronger because of the magic in this world. Our body is adapting to it, and it has to be a slow process. Our mind needs time to adjust to the changes..." The reflection says.
"Like... heat-treating?"
"Yes and no. It's is true that you can relate the constant change in temperature on the metal to our body's natural magical absorption. But, that's where the similarities end."
"Ohh that's why... and with the carr-" You are again interrupted by..."yourself".
"Hear in turn lies the decision... We can just forego the slow process, and finalize. Momentarily becoming strong enough to fend off the timberwolves and save your friend but... There is a very high chance that our mind might not be able to sustain the shock of changing so quickly after the fight, and you... might die. But if we don't do this we might be able to survive and escape the wolves... but Fluttershy-." This time I interrupt "myself"... man that's confusing.
"Do it. Change me. NOW" I demand myself.
"Our body will undergo extreme-"
"I don't care"
"The changes will be perma-"
"I DON'T care"
"The chances of you surviving are-"
"I DON'T GOD DAMN CARE!"
"I" look at me for a second,the reflection then sighs.
"I Knew you would feel like this..." He then steps out of the mirror. "Come with me." We walk towards the blue orb.
"What is that?"
"Our mind" The reflection says, and he goes to the other side and takes out two keys. "I" toss one to "myself" and I catch it. "We will be able to skip the "treating" process if we both use these keys." A keyhole in the orb suddenly pops into existence.
I sigh. "Alright... let's do this." We both put the keys in and the energy surrounding the orb starts to pour in at an extreme rate. I start to drift away from "me" and the mind orb... but before I come back into reality I see "myself" smirk... and another blood red orb start to form...
...
...
...
...
...
RAAAAAAAAH!
Your body begins to surge with energy. Your muscles begin to become larger, bones painfully start forming and taking shape in your arms. Bones start to grow, break, and reform throughout your body.
"YOU CAN HURT ME!" You rip into a wolf near Fluttershy with your bare hands.
"BUT! IF YOU EVER!" Three new bones in your arms start to go towards the space in between your knuckles.
"EVER!" They start to come come towards your balled up fists.
"HURT MY FRIENDS! YOU RUN THE RISK OF..." three little nubs start the break apart the skin in between your knuckles. All the wound you received from the timberwolves are long since healed.
...
...
...
...
...
"PISSING ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Six one and a half feet long claws break though your fists, and you leap towards the wolves, to DESTROY.
"*Chuckle*... YOU FOOL."
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it's a bit cliche and he's op (gary stu) but i'll read the next few chapters and judge the story then.
What the what? WTF Just happened!
Soooooo wolverine anybody?
There are no words that could define what is going through my mind because of this chapter, luckily there are images.
The speed is still high by the way.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/27623603.jpg
THIS error in particular was the definition of error at its finest.
Not only does your character say Fluttershy's name before she introduces herself, making a critical mistake, Fluttershy doesn't seem to mind that an never seen before creature knows her name, AND she's getting used to a complete stranger, and unknown species at that, in less than a minute, now THAT'S efficiency. Oh, goody, mary sue land here we go.
Two chapters max, then I'll bleach my brain.
2241753
I do think so, but it could be anything, really.
2242115 Thank you for showing me those, and i know were your going, but she's kindness bro, he was injured. Beside's i have a bit of... pain about to be received by the character, so... wait and see.
2241753 he's gonna be... more than just wolverine.
2242622 so what the entirety of the x-men combined then or something
2242535
In the start of chapter one, there was no 'do or die' situations which needed fast pacing, until he came upon the manticore. Notice that my complains about pacing are in the cave where 'I'm' trying to get 'my' bearings.
You always have to THINK before you do, as so say in your description, your MIND is your best weapon and to think you need information, and with no description his decisions would not make sense to anyone other than the author or the character himself, but because this is a second person perspective I'm sure that it is us, the readers, that should know the information and think of how 'we' would do in that situation.
The way you put the story would be better in a first person perspective, and you would still need to describe how things happen, slowly in slow moments, I didn't even know we where at the everfree until the manticore; no 'creepy feeling forest' or 'scary atmosfere' or 'jungle like place', nothing.
When I read it, I'll believe it.
2242620
When did I insinuated anything about her not being her element?
Remember specificly what I said...
In less than a minute you don't get used to someones antics, that takes time, lots and lots time; where you understand a person, see his or her personality and understand their way of being themselves, that is when you truly know a person, and be used to his/her antics.
Never in less than a minute. If that's a mistake please fix it.
The other mistakes were like:
The double apostrophe is necessary to help conclude the thought.
Same here.
Is this supouse to be come, come for dramatic effect? or you just accidently put cone twice.
These are simple mistakes.
And many more with 'your' and 'you're', capitals, 'I'm', and all the others you fixed before I made this comment, which were the really bad ones, but their fixed so you'll hear no complaining from me about that anymore.
2242859 There is an explanation to why Fluttershy gets used to it in the chapter after the fight with the timberwolves. I will try to the best of my ability to explain, I had a really tight schedule the days I made the first two chapter's of the story, so that's why it seems rushed (didn't have time to proof read, had to RUN to my church on an empty stomach, never run on an empty stomach). I had a very powerful brainstorm this morning, so to give you some hints, here it is:
1.The "reflection" will play a HUGE part in the upcoming chapters
2. I'm thinking of adding fight music, but not to the timberwolf fight.
3. I know he seems wolverine status but look at this
There are more changes (PAINFUL ONES) to happen to his body.
4. Remember, his body is adapting to the magic in equestria, and absorbing it to make his chances of survival and assimilation, the best they can be (but... this creates a problem)
I thank you for your criticism and input on my story, trial and error. This is actually my first legitimate story I've ever made on fimfiction. Thank you for your time.
2242731 No not at all... it's something, primal.
2241176 He being overpowered (OP)... will come at a painful price...
2245077 as long as he's not a gary stu im okay with it
2245110 When he meets the main six i'll start with the personality development. But that's a far way from now.
2244744
Sure, no prob.
Dude is your story, you don't need to rush it, you're not getting paid for this (or are you?
) you should think of making it good, before making it fast.
But just make sure to fix, as I said in my comment...
Your description and detail.
AND LOOK OUT IF YOU MAKE HIM A GARY STU (male, mary sue)
Explanation of gary stu.
Gary Stu is not always about how beutiful is his hair, and if he can kill cthulhu with his fists. It's about what he does to the story.
There's a line between a well developed character and Gary Stuing; justification (or lack thereof) for his abilities, or how fantastically improbable his backstory is. It's about how the character is defined exclusively by external traits and his actions to the point of being shallow, and about how all other characters are defined by their attitude to him. If the plot still bends over backwards to facilitate him, he's a Gary Stu.
It's about how, he completely overtakes the canon characters in importance.
It's about how people act wildly out of character around him and elevate his status well above what he should realistically be able to obtain.
Above all, it is about wish-fulfillment, and it comes in many forms. There's nothing wrong with a little or even a lot, but when the wish-fulfillment a character uses starts to warp the narrative and characterization around it, then you may be looking at a Gary Stu.
Make sure to avoid these, at all costs.