- Member Since 26th May, 2012
- offline last seen March 26th
Inferno demon Dash
Showing you the darker, more realistic side of MLP in my writing. Smoking, swearing and being a bastard, but that's nothing new with me. Got a cigarette?
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Reading it later.
2115654 You're always there for me and my stories, I'll be sure to return the favor when you write your own work my very loyal friend, it seriously means a lot to me
Moustacheo:CREATE MORE HEROIC AUTHOR!
Oh dis gun be gud
Damn, have to wait till later, I need sleep.
2115717 Heroic?
The last thing I am is the hero type, I'm more of an anti-hero if anything
2115750 Glad you think so
2115770 No you don't, sleep is for the WEAK!!!
MADMAN03: You dating Pinkie?
: Yup!
: Wa-WHAT?!
MADMAN03: Better get your funeral ready then.......
2115780 CREATE MORE NON-HEROIC AUTHOR! YAY!!!
Let's start with this:
Manticore
Particular
Treat
Those two words aren't needed in the sentence. Even then it reads awkwardly. Probably best to reword it.
Those
But
Turning/changing, Relationship
Barely
Despite
Creeped
I'm just guessing here, but I think you mean Anatomy. And it should probably just be Dragon, not Dragon's.
Haunches
In, Had/Did what you have reads awkwardly, This
There should be a '.' in there, On
Now, the things that annoyed/grated on me:
1) Everyone feels really out of character in this fic.
2) You use 'X not' far too often. Use 'Xn't' more, especially in speech coming from Pinkie or Spike.
3) Spike smoking. He's 16 and apparently started at 14. Ok, I can see that, there are a lot of people who do that, but who's buying them for him (I'm assuming Equestria has similar smoking laws to America where the show is primarily aired. On top of that, why would anypony be worried about Spikes smoking hurting him? He's a DRAGON, he breathes smoke and fire and if you're talking about chemicals in the tobacco, dragons really wouldn't be worried about it as they're inherently magical and have been shown in the show to have extremely hardy constitutions (see: Baked Bads for a prime example).
That all said, I like this fic. Well, I really WANT to like it at least. I've never seen a Spike/Twilight/Pinkie love triangle story and I want to see where it goes, but you've failed to sell me on this.
2115813 Damn ,fail....I'll change those errors now, thanks and sorry to disappoint, I'm an awful speller and Mircosoft Word does not help so much, it's to each their own though, thanks for the feedback
I never had a grammer Nazi before.....I'm deeply honored good sire, thank you. As for your questions.
1. Should I make this an AU?
2. I don't really understand your meaning.
3. No creature, in Equestria when you're sixteen your able to buy your own smokes and drink when you're eighteen, as for who bought them when he was younger that would be Rainbow Dash....should I explain that? As for his health, the subject on dragons is almost none due to not many ponies getting close enough to study them, so for this fic...they don't know that the substence is not doing almost any harm to him, but they try to get him to stop anyway.
Very sorry to disappoint, I fixed the errors and will try much harder if you're willing to give this another chance,
2115788
Shall I summon Death?
2115805 I have to agree, though I like giving him a more rougher edge then he should have.
2115789 You know I will
MOER now
MOER spike swag 
2115839 Very, very true. Personally, I see Spike as twelve in the show itself, by pony years that is. So with him being the age he is now, he is almost grown in their eyes.....but for the rest of his kind he is still nothing but a baby...sad really.
And I really dislike seeing Spike be a 'baby' in fics, why not make him at least a teenager if anything, you know?
2115869
Great my first MOER shout, I'm honored. I'll have the next one sent to my editor by tomorrow or friday....right after I look harder for a job
Moar!
2115813 Oh, blame me on that entirely. I was certain I got everything, but I suppose an editor can make mistakes sometimes, too. I'll make sure to keep my eye out doubly next time. In my defense for one of them, though, creeped doesn't work as a word in my Word Document, so I used crept. The others, though, silly me .
An edtior is supposed to clean a story so it is more presentable, but I guess I goofed that. I apologize.
I think what is wrong with Spike not being disgusted with Twilight's thoughts about him, him in a relationship with Pinkie, is because he just wants somepony to love him. However, he was being a major league asshole, excuse my language to Rarity. I really felt bad for Rarity. If you do continue with this, and do it in a later chapter, it is going to be real interesting and intense to see if Spike and Rarity ever runs into each other again. A very intense and raw Chapter One.
I might sound like an asshole, but I would have yelled the same thing at Rarity; and he was drunk. And this: damn spikes life is stressful.
Well spike, you have to make a mental choice here. Choose one then hold a golf trophy close to you in case.
I really hope this story ends with spike and pinkie together. Please.
Finaly got the chance to read dis, really liking it, sorry for no constructive criticism.
Hey, if I were u, I'd get this looked at. As good as a story this is, your going to lose a few people with your grammar.
2118631 Damn, was it really that bad?
I'm losing my touch! I truly just wasn't focused on this chapter, I suppose.
I'm sorry, Inferno. I was honest when I said I did a lot here, but there are now two complaints about the grammar. *sighs* My mind just hasn't been focusing recently, but that's no excuse. But next time, I swear, I'll do my absolute best. Hope you're not mad.
2118757Your his editor? All I'm saying is there's a few (;)s where there shouldn't be. Everything else is just fine.
2118793 Oh. Well, okay! Thank you kindly. I'll try to keep that in mind for next time.
2119270One more thing, (god I starting to sound like a dick. I'm not to) shorten up words like would not (wouldn't), could not (couldn't), did not (didn't).
Having to read both words, no matter how small the words are, messes with the flow of reading. Small touches ya know.
2119449 Hmm. Hadn't thought about that. Guess it's a habit since teachers generally tell us in essays to not shorten those words. But I understand what you're saying, and greatly appreciate your feedback. You're not by any means acting "dick"-ish; you're just a reviewer giving sound advice, which is all we ask for. Don't be afraid to mention anything else in the future. :)
2118757 That's not your fault at all, Dark. Every single person makes a mistake, even those that edit famous books, don't be to hard on yourself, we are all here to learn how to improve
2115955 Seriously? I don't think I read any fics like those before, mind showing me a few? And I love that story, funny as buck. Sorry bro
Hope the way he talks does not drive you away from the story though
2116438 I love that idea, seriously and he was I'll agree to that, but he was drunk....though you are right. I'll be sure to do such in chapter three and even though I HATE Rarity with a passion, I guess I can let Spike be more kind towards her on coming chapters
2116520 I heard that, to be truthful, I would have done the same thing to her as well, harsh but it's the type of person I am, Rarity does not deserve Spike in my eyes
2116555 Or a baseball bat
2117488 Wait and see....but I'll think about it
2118423 I'm very glad you enjoyed it my friend, chapter two should be coming soon
itrestly story makes smile and good one.
It's a good idea, but I simply cannot get behind this execution of it.
2124709 Eh, to each their own, no judgement here, thank you for your review and feedback
I do hope you shall continue this story it is getting really good.
Well that escalated quickly.
make it awesome this while was a little ... lacking. anyway keep of good work
Awesome chapter, really liking the hate from all of Spike's former friends, makes good conflicts.
2125229 I will indeed
Any thing you like the most from what you read so far or even dislike?
2126200 Was it that bad? I tried hard on it. Maybe I should have expanded the fight more?
2126417 Right
Not sure if I read a fic where Spike's friends dislike him, at least I don't think
I was a bit confused on chapter 1 on why exactly Spike was so mad at Rarity, I can fully imagine why but everyponys reaction seems to be a bit severe for a drunken rant without some kind of insight into what happened between the two. This chapter felt a lot more fleshed out I think, however; I think Twilights confession was a bit premature. I do like Raindrops she seems like she is gonna be a real cool character.
2128968 For being rejected, all that hate and bending over backwards for love, treating a pony like a Goddess only to be backhoofed in the face that would make any creature tell another to go kill themselves, even more so if they were drunk. And hmmm.....maybe I should look over it again, thank you though bro, means a lot that you're so honest abut it. And I agree, I love Raindrops in this story
Spike drinking and being a bit of an ass I'm cool with, but the smoking just doesn't sit well with me, not just because of the obvious reason's and that he's a dragon so I don't really see how smoking does anything for him. Other then that this story is still good and interesting, looking forward to read more.
And sorry it took me so long to get to this story, I'm really behind in my reading and I'm reading stories from old to new so, yea that's throwing me off, but I'll go read the next chapter in a little bit.
2133842 It's cool bro, take your time and you are thre second person to ask that.....I'l just go with he likes the flavor and it camls him down when he is stressed, I keep forgetting that smoking does not have any effect on a dragon damn it
Plus, I could always see Spike having a smoke when he is older and I smoke myself so I like it
And here I thought Twilight was going to be shy about her feeling's, but an aggressive Twilight isn't a bad thing either. Damn with all the shit that went down in Ponyville, even with Twilight and Pinkie there, there doesn't really seem like there's any other reason to go back, cause the way I see it is that most of Spike's 'friends' hate him, other either don't like him, fear him or just don't want to be around him.
Maybe this would be a good time to look for a cave in the everfree or take the one on the mountain, lol. I'm laughing but kind of serious too. Being in Ponyville any longer sound's like it would just piss me off.
Other then that, good work you too, this story sure is full of conflict. Can't wait to see how this will play out, later.
Snips and Snails started the whole thing anway with callnig him a clumsy reptile, but Spike should have just ignored them and kept his cool which I know was difficult. Twilight or Pinkie which one does Spike love most?! Ooh, this is getting good, but I feel so bad for Spike in losing his once good friends such as Apple Bloom, Snips, Snails, etc.
I had a constant thought going through all of this, what if, when he is in front of the judge during his court date, he fully explains how ostracized he feels, even before either of the incidents. Explain how much hatred he feels just from the people around him, like they're looking for any excuse to kick him out of town. then go on and talk about the Rarity incident, and how he placed all the work he did, even being a pincushion and slave, just for a small smile towards him, only to find out YEARS LATER that it was never going to be given to him... saying that he was initially just going to let it go and never look her way again, the spiked punch encouraged his anger to surface, causing all but three mares in his life to hate everything about him: Pinkie, Twilight, and Applejack. Fluttershy still hated him, deeply, but can't express it in the way she would like to, deep down, being the element of generosity... ex...
then say something along the lines that when he does get exiled (because it's not a matter of 'if', it's a matter of 'when') he will tell everyone he can about the injustice of the pony race, the hatred they ensue against anything that isn't exactly like them, a Pony supremacy...
at least that's what went through my mind while reading it
2135717 Damn, now THAT is an amazing idea, shit, far better then my orginal
Wow, you're smart my friend, very smart......wow that's just a great idea. Thank you very, very much
2135503 That is very true, and I was thinking of having him ignore them but then, well....you saw how that turned out. Sometimes something inside you just snaps, ha, you shall find out later
And I agree, it is really sad, hoping to have him and Dinky repair their friendship maybe soon, can't wait to bring Raindrops in this again
2134424 I did not even know that about Twi until you said something bro
though you are right, being in Ponyville when you're not wanted would make anyone become furious, think the only reason he is still there is because of Pinkie Pie.....though Twi may be another reason, you'll find out soon enough
2135825 not a problem... anything to see my favorite pony (Spike) portrayed in a good light...
can't wait to see what you'll do with it
2135897 Eh, good light, you must really not know who I am then
But I'll try my very best, hoping not to disappoint you and other fans my friend
2135916 I meant it in the way that shows him like a actual sentient being, rather than just a slave, mindless assistant, baby dragon, or what have you... especially when he's the main character and it's showing his struggles and love... and yes, I have read most of your work, and have a number of them on my faves
2135947 That is something I can completely agree with, I can't write him as a twelve year old baby dragon like I think he is in the show, my mindset won't allow it
And that's amazing, I had no clue I was so loved, thank you brother, that honestly means a lot to me
just one thing, we need more asshole punk Spike, A bitch fight between Pinkie and Twilight and your awesomeness in the next chapters!!!!!