RoseluckyCinor
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Please help me out by looking at my story: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Bits
Name of Story: Fallout Equestria: Loose Change
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 8
Pros: Good story, leaves me wanting a bit more; Great way to create cliffhanger (in my opinion); and nice characters.
Cons: I would've liked to know how some characters appeared; a few words that were not capitalized; a little too fast-paced.
Notes Section: I think you should give explainations of what is happening, so I can remember clearly; what ponies look like, so I can image it; and fix up a few grammatical and capitalization errors.
Enjoy your review!
2095275
Thank you for your review.
I can understand where you are coming from with the "describe your characters" point. To be honest, they got a good description around 11k words because at first I didn't know if I wanted to describe them at all, but then I did. Also thank you for pointing that it was a little fast, this is my first long fic in a *long* time so it's hard to slow it all down.
2095355 Just helping another author.
An small and new Fo:E story in Authors Helping Authors? Well I have to look at this at some point
2096407
Thank you!
2098031
Just a quick question, why that cover? It is not named New Pegasus after all
2098039
Well, I wasn't sure what I was going to call my fic at the point I had someone willing to do a cover art for me. So I told them to do the New Pegasus thing, and they said sure.
The rest is history!
This review is brought to you by Doomande on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Grammar score out of 10. 3. There is a lot of tense mistakes and clunky worded sentences, beside that are most of the lines missing.
Pros
Sadly none that I can point on. That it not because I think that your story is bad, it could just need some help
Cons
No description. This is maybe you biggest flaw with the chapter, there was next to no descriptions. If there is something that a Fo:E story need is it to make the reader think that he is in the wasteland, to almost fell the cracked dirt under his feets and sand in his mouth. And all of this was fast paced and had next to no description. Not once was there mentioned any colors of anything.
Often jumping in the tense. Rather often do you jump from past tense to present, that is a mistake that all does, but it happens a little to much so the reader sees them.
NER. I have a really big problem seeing Lilpips people act like that, yes they would want some caps for holding order, but thinking that a black market was okay? Or keeping what sounds like a military state. Sorry I can simple not see that, or how this could have happened before the day of sunshine and rainbows, because at that point would there not be enough ponies to form such a group.
Notes Section.
First of all could you really need a pre-reader. Many of the things that you are doing wrong here could have been caught with a extra pair of eyes, and help you with when you need to describe things and to hold an even pace. There is nothing wrong with needing an pre-reader, it is something all does, but you could really need one to this, because I had a hard time chewing trough this, and if it was much longer would I have given up
At one point does Short use his magic to grip his revolver, something he does stealthy without the two "raiders" sees it, but how does they not see the aura around Shorts horn? That would be a dead give away. Beside that, why did they not wake him up with the gun to his head? One of the best opportunities they would have to get away with their loot. And last, what was Rimfire doing at that point? They have one entrance, so how could the two raiders get close to them without being discovered?
I know that you are properly asking yourself what that lets me say such things, as if I knew how to do better. I know that I am rather contradictory with my review, since I have no story of my own, or anything at all for showing my skills. But I have read enough stories by now to spot mistakes out, and I have been a pre-reader for over 6 month, helping on a handful of other Fo:E stories, so it is there my experience comes from. Beside that am I not pointing all this things out to bash your story, but to show what there is wrong with it right now, and what you could do better. Because all can be better with their skills. So when you read this more or less sour critique then see it is motivation to prove me wrong, to make something that is better than it is now. To go out and find a pre-reader and rework this chapter, adding the description, pace and other things that it deserve.
On a last note before going to the nitpick part, if you write the journal entries in the quote command does it actually look rather nice in stories. And try to look it over and add the lines there is missing. The missing lines and the tense jumping are your biggest enemies and is what there is making reading your chapter so hard
Enjoy your free review, because it would be unfair to ask you to read the longer stories that I am working on.
Nitpicks:
Remember to make a space after triple periods.
"I’d started this caravan in the new Appaloosa" As far I remember is it just named New Appalossa, so you should delete the the and capitalize that N in new.
"Of course I used a little of my famous, sauve skills to get her to come with me on the hopes that I’d have 200 caps by the end of the journey." This sentence is broken weirdly up, and if you read it by the reading rules would it not give much sense.
"I think she said something about it being an assault rifle her one of her great" You have a her that is out of place here.
"A stimpak that looked relatively fresh I put in my bag as well" I think that you meant healing potion instead of stimpak. And the sentence is rather clunky worded.
"Hell Hounds never travelled this far west" Hellhounds is in one word
"he’s a decent courier...." You have one period to many here.
"They tried to hold me up with a loaded gun," Should it not be unloaded?
"Rimfire back away from the bodies and slung her gun around her back." Should it not be backed?
"I ask" Should be in past tense.
"Rim huffs," Should be in past tense, and is it not Rimfire?
"I tell her" Should be in past tense.
"The brahmin follows me as we leave the little cave. The sun is low in the sky. It’s going to be a hot day. " All of this should be in past tense.
"I came to Appaloosa to make a quick cap" Should be in plural.
"now let’s hear about Rimfire.” He is talking in 3rd person here, should be a you instead.
"I kept my revolver in the holster and I strode up to the door." Should it not be its instead of the here?
2107574
i.imgur.com/r3cNHvz.png
Jeez duuuuuude.
2107574
More comments!
"NER. I have a really big problem seeing Lilpips people act like that, yes they would want some caps for holding order, but thinking that a Black Market was okay? Or keeping what sounds like a military state. Sorry I can simple not see that, or how this could have happened before the day of sunshine and rainbows, because at that point would there not be enough ponies to form such a group."
They aren't lilpips people. It's pretty much the NCR dawg
2108995
Yes I can see that, but when is this story on the timeline?
2108998
I don't know, it doesn't really matter.
If that doesn't do it for you, then here's another explanation. It's set in an alternate reality where Little Pip accidentally died the moment she stepped out of the Stable when she tripped over a rock and smashed her head open on a tin can.
2109024
The thing is that it ain´t really Fo:E then. It is just an post apocalyptic story with ponies then. And you could do so much more and better than that. Actually following the lore of the setting instead of fighting against it
2109041
Okay, well I took all of your spelling and grammar issues and fixed them. Thank you for the review. I'm going to repost the story in a second.
2109322
Okay. I can just still say that I hope that you also will change some of the other issues that you have with the story
2109363
I can only do everything I've ever done before.
Hmmm... I really like the story. There are a lot of good elements to it, but a couple of issues I noticed as well. Mainly, some of your grammar and mechanics are a little off, which could be solved very easily by just reading through it a few times before posting. I would definitely try to get an editor, and you could probably find one here. Just ask someone in the chat to add you, then there's a section to request editors.
Another issue I noticed was consistency. For example you mentioned that Short Change started out in New Appleoosa, but later mentioned just Appleoosa. Try to keep those things straight, as they make the story choppy.
My only last recommendation would be to watch for stylistic realism (yes, I know that sounds dumb, so I'll explain what I mean). The thing that makes a story for me is that the characters react realistically, whether they be main characters or side characters, so to me it seems like a bit of a stretch the someone will just offer up a quest out of nowhere to someone they just met.
Besides that stuff, all of which can be fixes, I really like the story, and the characters seem rather interesting as well. I'm looking forward to see what happens next!
2405454
I know the canon problem. Every time I sit to write, the back of my mind chimes what will I change today. I read Fo:E in the period of a weekend a little over a year ago. It's fuzzy at best. Luckily I've got three excellent friends who know the story well enough to give me a general idea.
For the raider/slaver distinction, I wasn't really sure what they were at the time, and I think the scared townsfolk would let their imagination get the best of them an imagine many terrible 'ends'. Thus was born the raider/slavers being, you know, either one.
If you wouldn't mind please elaborating on why the end of the chapter is far-fetched I'd really appreciate it. I'm not very good at writing hard-core stories.
Thank you for your encouragement and for keeping with me so far.
2715317
Alright, I'll do my best. Thank you for the comment.
2813043
Thank you so much!
Well stranger, I reckon this story sounds mighty familiar. May just be my ticker playin' tricks on me. Anyway, very good story pardner, fit as a fiddle!
3160160
bite-mare?
3161872
Oooh, her! Heh, yeah I forgot about her. I' kind of bad in that I' two chapters ahead of whatever I post.
http://i.imgur.com/7vJIo6B.gif
3228798
3228798
The Epilogue cometh. I've decided the ending wasn't as good as I hoped and I left too much unsaid.
You have a follower, a fave, and a like.
Jack this shit UP.
3968167
You really liked it? :D
3970531
You betcha.
Ho Lee Chit. Mind blowned. Kinda sad what became of Short, all because of that damn ed magnum. Really, who enchants a gun with a malevolent spirit? I was kind of hoping for a little romance between Short and Rimfire. Guess that can't happen with both of them being dead. You sir, had given then destroyed my hopes for each of the characters. This is a great piece of fiction, probably one of my all time favorites. There, gonna place it in the bookshelf with the top 20 fics I've read on this site.
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)