{The Guy Who Wrote This With Me Is Incredibly Sick. I will start a NEW story in his absence. I Am SO SORRY}
Beggar Gold has been in love with money and power his entire life.. If you can call it that. He has lived his entire life inside a dome, and now that he is free, he has to decide what will happen in his future. Evil crawls around every corner, just waiting to strike, but Beggar does not know this. Beggar Gold may be a greedy, self-absorbed, lame excuse for a pony... But he might just save the world.
Chapters (5)
Can you guys post some ways for me to improve on m writing? I am, in no way, a master... yet.
I will give this a read soon! Coming back with feedback when I get to it.
Interesting origenal concept tho
Well, I don't have a super grasp of grammar and story writing, but I can help with the basics, I suppose:
You're missing a few words in this sentence or something. As it is, I have no idea what the latter half of the sentence is saying.
'and' is unnecessary, and there are two spaces after the word.
Comma after 'clean' since brown is another adjective.
You wrote 'coat' three times in this one sentence, avoid that if you can. The last comma is not needed.
Okay, so he is originally searching for the rat and succeeds in catching it, but immediately abandons it to look at a sheet of paper?
Forgot a space there; whereabouts is one word; use an em dash (-- or —) rather than a hyphen. They have completely different meanings.
Repetition of 'around' which breaks the sentence flow.
Those are not proper places to capitalize a word.
Again, use em dashes. There's also a comma before the quotation mark. 'Beggars' has an apostrophe.
Also, from this sentence onwards, you start shifting from past tense to present tense.
Find some other way to describe the voice so that you show that she's a mare, don't just tell us that.
It seems very uncharacteristic for a thief to smile after being caught stealing, especially since there are probably rewards for returning the product. Beggar should also be thinking about this alternative rather than just suddenly joining her.
Use an em dash.
'Blush' isn't capitalized, unless you're changing that comma into a period. And what is she blushing for? Does she like Beggar? If so, what was all that hooey about the loss of a loved one? Also, spacing between the comma and the quotation mark.
Use a colon, since it's a list. No capital for 'Murder.'
Again, show; don't tell.
For, not 'of'
Em dash. Also, assuming this is the newspaper that Beggar stepped on, where did that sink come from?
I missed a bunch, surely. But here are some things to look for:
Capitalization
Tense shifts
Repetition if it breaks the flow of the sentence
Proper distinction between hyphen and dashes
Showing vs telling (throw some more description in there!)
The relationship between Lady Bountiful and Beggar Gold is way too convenient. It's unrealistic and breaks suspension of disbelief.
Fix the formatting for your title, if you can't get that part down, you've already lost many potential viewers.
Um, yeah. Best of luck in the future!
2082473 Thank you! When I get healthy, I will fix my chapter completely! Also, if you remember from the beginning, Beggar's sink is a muddy puddle.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Life, liberty, and the Pursuit of Bits.
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 6
Pros: Shows Beggar’s true depravity and situation. Excellent vocabulary. Good story told in a short time.
Cons: Beggar made bold claims about the thief and I was left wondering ‘how’. It *is* kind of short, could elaborate on Beggar’s past. Dat Racism.
Notes Section: ~
First review btw.
2098136 Thanks!
Beggar's past shall be revealed... in due time, of course.
The Timemaster made the story short because of school, but he is going to make chapter 2 MUCH longer... Timemaster just hopes that his grammar improves along the way. (From now on; The Timemaster shall talk in Third-person! He believes it to be quite fun!)
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: life liberty and the pursuit of bits
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable):
6 (a little better than average)
Pros:
1. Good vocabulary
2. Impressive use of detail
3. good use of light comedy (at least I thought it was a little funny, ex: made of the exotic cardboard!)
Cons:
1. not much noticeable drama
2. second half was a little confusing at first
3. doesn't really grab the readers attention
Personal notes:
I love that you are willing to incorporate elements that enhances the emotional impact of the story even if it is a little controversial in the fandom such as carnivore/omnivore ponies and racism.
(before anyone says anything no I do not condone racism outside of fiction[or in fiction if it is not necessary for plot reasons])
Ohhhh, mare on path of revenge- very scary thing.
2207850 Revenge is a wonderful thing.
Okay, is anyone else a bit confused from the story?
2299583 If you tell me what confuses you, I could explain it to you. I have some spare time.