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Hi there. This are not a attack on you or your story. But why for the love of Celestia a watertalisman? It is like half, or a third of the stories out there is about them. Why is it never the power generator that fails? Or the food source?
... Okay I am sorry about that, but I do just see so many stories about them. And it is not because the idea isn´t good, or Fallout 1 that it is from is a bad game, but when all are doing the same is it getting a little repetitive.
Besides that on a more happy note. Welcome to the Fo:E heard. Look at our wiki for most of your lore need, and g-doc if you want to talk to others that are in the world of Fo:E
PS. That down vote isn´t mine. There is some haters out there that are after the Fo:E world, so don´t look at the red line unless there is a comment that says why they voted down
Like Doomande said, ignore the haters unless they actually say why they downvoted you. We all get them.
Feel free to ask any of us if you have questions, concerns, or just want to bounce some ideas around. We're not as scary as we look, and jolly cooperation helps us all improve.
I didn't notice any errors at all, surprisingly. Do you have an editor or prereader yet?
To be honest, I was hoping that Socket would go with Whisper. The wasteland is no place for a lone pony, after all. Especially one from a Stable.
Maybe describe Whisper a little in the next chapter, give us a better idea of what she looks like. I'm curious what her cutie mark looks like, as well.
Keep up the good work!
1319302 It's a perfectly reasonable way to start a story. A little cliche, sure, but I just pass it off as water talismans being naturally fragile or unreliable.
Then again, I've got a lot of experience working with machinery that wouldn't look out of place in a Stable. Any kind of filter has a limited lifespan, and will break or degrade beyond usability sooner or later, as I well know.
1319302 The water talisman problems are a reference (mostly) to Fallout 2, in which the original Vault Dweller is sent to recover a new water chip after Vault 13's only water chip breaks. Hope this helps!
1319397
Again. I am sorry if I sounded mad or negative in any way. I have just seen it one to many times in the last few days, and it is not fair of me to give any feedback that could be interpreted as negative. I have not read the story yet, so all what I have to judge from is the description.
But! How is it that Stables is breaking down so easily? They was not build to house funny experiments rather than save lives, like the Vaults in Fallout. That is one of the things that I fell in love with when I read Fo:E for the first time. That they actually tried to build a save home for the future, and not just earn some money on a war.
The Stables, by my head cannon that could be wrong, was build to last for the future. Stable-tec had also some few Stables where the social experiment was to break down and try to bring the ponies together that way, Stable-tec tried all they could to make a brighter future for all, and find a way to end the hatred and future war over resurces. So why hurt that dream by not put enough spare parts in the box?
1319463
Nope it is a GECK in fallout 2
1319528 It's the usual thing in the story. Water talisman breaks, pony goes out to find a new one. But then, I read fics for the characters and the journey, and Oasis has a fair bit of potential in both regards.
Easy to explain why Stables are always breaking, and why it's normally the Water Talisman that does so.
They've been operating for 200 years, give or take. That's a long time for anything to run, especially machinery/magic thingies that should really be replaced/recharged/repaired every few years.
From personal experience, you need to swap out vital components for maintenance etc at least every couple of years or risk major breakdowns and damage.
As for why there never seems to be spare parts... Water Talismans would be, by my guess, very expensive/difficult to manufacture, and probably hadn't been tested for hundreds of years' continuous use. It's one thing to say "It'll be fine, we're sure it'll work." and another to actually put it through that wear-and-tear. The builders may have just assumed the things would be up to the task, and not stocked any more of the highly valuable devices than was strictly needed.
Also, logistical snafus. Take it from someone who has spent weeks chasing down parts that were, quite literally, sitting on a shelf in storage: Some bonehead somewhere down the line will inevitably mess up their paperwork, sending a box of spare parts to the wrong location, and shipping you a large crate of reverse-thread bolts when you really need a large turbine blade. Yes, that happened. No, we never found out who did it.
1319528 Oh, I've never played it, I was just going off what I read on the wiki
I don't have an editor/proofreader, but I'm pretty OCD is that department already, and I sort of have a beta too.
Socket might end up out in the wastes with Whisper eventually, but I'm honestly not sure yet. (Whisper was pretty much sent out to die, anyway.) I took the water talisman track because of Fallout 1, mostly. Might be a bit overplayed, but it works as a McGuffin object to get the main character out of the Stable, and an excuse on the Overmare's part to get rid of her.
Thanks for the comments all.
1319613
Nice to see one with that kind of knowledge helping with the Fo:E world, it's rather fun what kind of specialist we have on "our" side
As I said, it was my head cannon and I bow my head humbly to you since you know what you talk about. Would just explain why I said what I said. And stuff like the reverse-thread bolts instead of a turbine blade is something I have head of before, with my step dad working with a small metal/tool company here in Denmark
1319976
True as a McGuffin does it work perfectly, and I can not say it to many times, it was not a attack on you or your story before. I am going to read it here in the coming week and will give a little review of it, so I bring some constructive words to it now that I have made some critique. And I hope that it will balance it out
Oh no, I'm not taking it as any sort of attack - and it's valid criticism; though I'm not all that well versed in Fo:E fics outside of Fo:E, Project Horizons and one or two other ones I've read.
I look forward to the commentary.
1320174 I've actually based a surprising amount of Wasteland Bouquet on things I've done in real life.
1320197 I look forward to seeing how Whisper deals with the wasteland, alone or with friends.
You should have a look at some of the other FoE fics, if only because there are so many good ones out there.
It's also useful for inspiration, and you can have a lot of fun hiding references to them in your own fic.
1323562 I've read most of Pink Eyes, New Beginnings, Guise of Chaos, some of Murky Number Seven and couple others I can't remember the titles to off the top of my head.
Sadly, I don't have a lot of time to read for fun at the moment. If I'm not studying or writing for class, I'm reading a textbook or literary novel (and blegh to that) for a class or trying to hash out some of my own prose.
I do plan on sneaking references into my story though - but I really haven't planned that far ahead yet.
1323617 Those are all good choices.
Remember, if you have questions about anything in-universe, out of it, or just want someone to bounce ideas off of, check the board or send one of us a message.
Together, we can make a better wasteland.
Love this story so far really well done however if I was to complain about something its that you don't really describe the physical appearance of the characters however you did good describing the personality of whisper talking about her antics and mayhem she causes
I hope you continue this story
This chapter was awesome!
1533738 Aww, thanks.
1544296 I honestly haven't come across other stable-dweller-after-water-talisman stories yet. I haven't been looking all that hard, but I do wander through the gdoc and Fallout Equestria Resource from time to time...
Talisman is just the impetus, it'll get blown out of the water (har har) as a motivating factor eventually, and I promise it won't be due to an invading army of super mutants/alicorns...
And as I've hinted at - or tried to anyhow, and will get more opportunity to later - Whisper was never meant to succeed in her mission.
A huge update? Not like I needed sleep anyway.
EDIT: Well, that was a good read. It's coming along nicely.
1603665 don't let me deprive you of sleep! D:
I remember joking about how chapter one was going to end up being 20k (which didn't happen thankfully) and now my subsequent chapters are trying to push that... And I've barely gotten to chip at chapter three because of school stuff.
Nice picture that you got there
I can see that I am not the only one that are glad with SpyroConspirators work
1687494 Yep, SpyroConspirator does good work.
1688173 (in reply to the comment on DA) the only one interested in mares is Whisper, and she has it bad for Socket. Also, they're only the current major characters as of where I'm at. But if it is, so what? They may be more hindrance than help, I haven't decided yet. (Besides, being jinxed is much more fun when it messes with allies as well as the main character and enemies. Also, being sneaky in a fight equals friendly fire.)
If you want a list: FoE, PH, Pinkeyes, New Beginnings, Memories, Guise of Chaos, Heroes, Rolling Bones, Wasteland Bouquet, and Treasure Hunting. That's not including what I haven't finished and poke at when I'm not busy with homework and whatever I've forgotten the title of.
Here it comes. Around 8 weeks or so to late and forgotten, found and lost again... REVIEW TIME! And I must say, I am really sorry that I forgot your story until now, because that are not the normal me, but lets see if I can´t make up for it with some feedback right
I must say that I love your first paragraph of the story. I know that it does not sound so important, but personal starts like that are one of the best ways to catch the reader. With only 2 sentences did you show that you have an interesting mare as the main character, and the first chapter is the most important to catch readers, and you did that with the first segment.
Something I noticed rather fast was how many sections you have split your chapter into, and I must say that it is nice to see. Way to many other Fo:E stories think that they have to use as few as they can, but the way you use them make the story easy to read, and helped at least me holding the concentration throughout the chapter without no real breaks beside writing down a keyword or two here in my review. I really hope that it is a thing that will return, because it was lovely to see and read like that.
I have already commented on the water talisman once, so I will jump over that point in a sleek way... Just like that.
I am not going to talk about Whisper or any of the other characters yet because I want to know them more. But I must say that it is a nice way that you describe them, showing small parts of the world that reflects some characteristics from them instead of saying it out loud like some others are doing. Oh and your characters are looking good so far, it is going to be interesting how Whisper reacts the first time she sees a shop or a city, and can´t wait to see how she is going to make some pranks on both steel rangers and raiders
I must say that your wording and teller style throughout the chapter are interesting, personal, yet informative in so many ways. And I really liked it. The only thing I can put my finger on is that you jumped into present tense some times, not many, but something that I noticed, and that is really sad since the rest of the story was so good.
Nitpicks:
Remember to make a F+Crtl search after double spaces, there was 2 that have sneaked them self into your chapter here, and it are a easy way to find and kill them
"Not only did I have a shadow that would pounce on me if I so much as looked over long at one of the grates" Are there not missing a word here, or one to many?
1868541 Thanks for the feedback. Chapter one definitely did not get put through the editing grinder the way chapter two did. Also, unfamiliar form (first-person) etc etc excuses and whatnot.
oh this poor poor thing.
If you're going to run Jinxed trait, take a closer look at Xeno - though I think you've got a solid handle on it already!
Regolit is right, and he's wrong - the _theme_ of stable-dweller fillyfooler chasing a water chip has been done before, but an actual water chip/talisman..
of course, the quest for the macguffin is only half the tale, amirite?
2403902 yus, tis only half the tale, and if things fall the way they're vaguely planned... well, it'll be fun* - I hope.
*by "fun" I of course mean my joyful glee as I get to torture my poor characters in many, many ways.
These two chapters seem to be setting up for a pretty nice fic. I see the Fallout 1 influence in there. Even had a few chuckles while reading.
And now, if it's OK, I'm gonna point to a few things in the chapter that seem like grammatical errors, but I'm not sure about? Green text indicates added text. Red indicates a removal suggestion.
" I'd like go to Maneford with you."
"There was a little warning twinge in my horn and pressure that warned of a coming headache if I kept pushing myself."
"My horn was starting to ache from keeping the spell up."
All of these above seem to be cases of missing articles.
3408630
Thanks for pointing those out.
Meep!
where's the rest of the story?! i've never been so heart broken from finding a blank space where a new chapter shud b.
Whisper's my kinda mare (mainly cuz i can identify with her). i really like this fic, plz keep it coming. i'll b sitting on my hands in anticipation.
more?
I love it
Holy crap, I remember reading this months ago.
I'll say that I do, very much, like your story. while I like the main FoE fics, I also have to say I hate them in a way. I tend to find that the smaller ones pull me in more. And this, even more so the second time--which was yesterday--did an overly good job at that. I'm going to do something I could only bring myself to do with a handful of FoE's; favorite it.
In any case, good luck with your work, and I will undoubtedly read anymore you may or may not write.
4457667 Thanks, that actually means quite a bit.
Great chapter.
Hope the next chapter do come soon.
Glad I was watching for this update.
I can't honestly say why I like this as much as I do so far—considering I've developed a borderline-distaste for most FoE's over the past year—but I do nonetheless. Maybe it's your writing in specific, or maybe your characterization, but it's grabbed and held my attention since back when you first uploaded it. And so here I am still.
In short, I can promise that if you continue to be a writer—at whatever speed—I will continue to be a reader.
5688790 That's honestly a relief to hear. One of the things that comes part in parcel with my writing over the years is harsher and harsher self-criticism, to the point that a lot of the time it's difficult to write anything at all for the sense of "everything I produce is trash" (this applies to my non-pony work, and especially to college-level coursework) so it really means a lot to get a response like this. (Of course I welcome harsh criticism as well, because I can always improve - but to know that someone is enjoying my flailing attempt to entertain warms the cockles of my heart. This goes for 5674362 as well.)
5693378 I know, it's amazing and terrifying.
5690872 Well an artist tends to their best and worst critic—to themselves as much as their creations. Progress is survival, but I doubt self-sacrifice in the name of it has gotten anyone anywhere useful. A lot of writers learn how easy it is to let that destroy their work. —I still haven't found a balance between the two.
If you release—or have released any of your other work anywhere—let me know, if you can; I'm always looking for something new to read – in the progress of that survival, and for enjoyment too.
5716801 I haven't posted anything of length anywhere else really, just a splattering a bits on my dA ( http://tieshla.deviantart.com/ ) the reason being that I was aiming at publication. Still am, eventually.
5717790 I bid you the best of luck on that. "Go forth and conquer"
And see you next chapter.
6245873 Oh typos, the bane of my life.
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
6981895 Cool
6986398 So I read these chapters, and I'd been wondering if the story was cancelled, but then I saw your recent comment. Sooo, not dead?
7013270 Not dead, just glacial release pace.
7013332 Yay! Moar Oasis! I love this story! Even if it is made really slowly! XD
So when is the next chapter?
7856647 Soon™*
*That's Blizzard Soon™
7859164 I get it... though I have idea if you want too hear it in a PM.
7859168 Sure.
I had to comment and say I found the reference to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull hilarious, I love those movies xD I'm loving this story so far, it's past midnight as I type this and I need sleep so I'm sorry I can't give helpful feedback at the moment lol but I've genuinely enjoyed your writing up to this point ^-^