Trigger_Finger
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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liking it so far
USE OC TAG!
ARGH
AAAAAAARGH
(Joke) Alt. Title: Dumb And Humance: OC Tag? We Don't Need No Stinkin' OC Tag!
Also, when's "humance" gonna catch on as an actual fanfiction term?
I think luna fell in love too fast don't you think?
It's quite good, I'm waiting for MOAR! In the end he was like: That ass.
Hmm will have to read this. I loved your last romance story, and i can only see the war side plot spicing this up.
Edit: Ok, after reading the first chapter you got me hooked. a fave and a like for you my friend
1952780
Did you miss the whole "Six months later" part?
That one part about luna arguing with herself loving clare escaladed way to fast, and it came out of nowhere.
Anyways nice chapter/story
indeed, even if he added the whole -six months later- just reading how they interacted and how luna came to start loving him is the DELICIOUS part of any story
Wow good action sequence
...
You don't know a lot about the military or its reasons for the current GI equipment do you? If you want your character to die, in a realistic environment, that's the loadout he should have. In the real world, he would be dead if he ran into any combat that was at ranges of a hundred meters or more, that Thompson would be combat ineffective (meaning the spray would be over such a large area that very few round could be considered engaging a target, not to also mention that a .45 ACP at a hundred meters doesn't have that much stopping power). The Thompson is a descent weapon for CQB but horrible at range. Not to mention that the weapon is old and newer SMGs are significantly more accurate, have lesser recoil and have more stopping power all for about the same weight. The Thompson is not a weapon any modern soldier would choose as his primary (maybe a secondary but most, if not almost all, soldiers never carry a secondary).
As for his sidearm, NO soldier would EVER take a fifty-cal pistol into combat. It is too unwieldy, and the recoil can't be compensated for enough to put multiple rounds on target in a short amount of time. With a .45 ACP I can put five rounds down range within five seconds accurately, with the target at twenty-five meters. I can do about seven with a 9mm, everything else being the same. You can't do that with a larger caliber weapon. Even civilians who want a weapon for self-defense avoid those weapons. They are great guns for a day at the range, but not suited to any kind of battlefield conditions.
1953677 oh course it's not really going all realistic, it's for the love of action, it's an action book. Take for example Predator, you've got Jesse Venture, an ex-navy seal, and the guy carries around this friggin 200 pond gatling gun through the jungle, no one in real life is going to carry that thing around during a rescue mission but hey it was unreal when he started shooting that thing. Yes I know in real life that a smart Canadian soldier isn't going to use outdated equipment, he would most likely have chosen a C7 rifle and a Browning 9mm high power for a sidearm but, it just wouldn't really have the magic of action sequence.
And who could ever forget Commando, when Schwarzenegger took like 6 guns with him and completely destroyed an entire resort all while making quippy one liners, "Let off some steam Bennett.
Yes I understand that in real life a 'True' military combatant wouldn't be foolish enough to carry around this kind of equipment but it makes it cool for the action sequences
Okay... I can't go on. There are so many things wrong with this that I can't list them without going on for ten pages and sounding even more like an asshole (which I'm not trying to, honest
). Let's just leave it as the combat scene was horrible. Former US Army here, and I can tell you that none of the dialogue, actions, or characters reactions were correct in any sense. Another thing, getting shot hurts, especially when in the torso. You don't just walk those off like nothing happened. That kind of injury will make you walk around hunched over no matter how tough you are (if to the front/back) or would likely put you down on the ground, incapacitated from a major injury (if from the side).
Dialogue grammar is wrong. Nothing to unique there, since everyone seems to have a lot of trouble with it. A few of the rules: Every time a new individual is speaking, you start a new paragraph. Never end with a period unless it is the end of the sentence, always end with a comma, exclamation point or question mark (or the "!?" mark, which I never learned the name of). Always identify who is speaking, unless it is two people going back and forth (identify the speaker if someone speaks out of turn in that case).
As a note for future reference, NEVER EVER (cannot emphasize this enough) tell the audience to "pretend" something. That is your job as the writer. You are supposed to show us how the ponies are shooting guns.
Overall, you have the ability to write a good story, and I like this story's plotline, but there are too many errors for me to enjoy reading it and there is way too much telling going on rather than showing. The grammar/spelling are good for the most part. A few items that were wrong (ex: L.T. is written as LT, pronounced "El-Tee", which is never to be used unless space is at a premium [like in the middle of combat or a newspaper article] or used as relaxed slang, otherwise you use the full "Lieutenant") but you taking shortcuts that only hurt your piece. You are rushing WAY TOO fast through things. A six-month time jump with obviously important character development happening is weak writing, and jarring to the reader. Do a little more research when you are using actual people/places/things, and try talking to anyone who has been on the battlefield when dealing with a war story. Ask them how people react, what they say, how officers react/talk, what they see and hear, etc. Fix these errors and you could have a great story, but right now I can't even finish reading what you've written so far. Down vote.
Well... I'm gonna go and play some COD BO2 now....
1953747
).
Jesse Ventura is no SEAL. Never was, and never will be. Ask any current USN SEAL (especially the one who knocked him on his ass with one punch
That's where me an Hollywierd (as my father and I call it) are at odds. I'm more interested in the Average Joe, who gets sucked into a situation where he has to do above average things to survive (see Die Hard series) or things like Band of Brothers. I do enjoy the nice curbstomp every once in a while with big guns and even bigger men, but I need to know why it is like that and not just have the MC have a bunch of plot armor. Eh, it's a taste thing, I guess.
1953847 all right... now in all retro spect I don't think your an ass in any way, you're just giving me helpful tips and I aprreciate it completely. Oh boy I have alot of work to do. And as for the talking with a combat vetran I was working at CFB Borden last year and usually talked with the Warrant Officer, he was a good guy and I liked him, he'd usually talk about things like war medals and what not but wasn't to much into the whole talking about actual killing and the more horrible things. I remember the one time my boss was complaining that she didn't like the knees pads because the friggin strapps dug into the back of her leg and the Shaun, the warrant officer was like "Really? I used to have to friggin crawl around in rocks and gravel that cut up my knees and I would kill to have those new pads", when I look back now I miss those days
1953906 sorry I meant navy, I must've been thinking of another actor, I meant navy. Yeah I like the more 'Based on true story' movies, like The Pacific or like you said Band of Brothers was good. Now that I'm thinking about it I was like "Shit, you hit a target at twenty five meters with a .45 five times in five seconds", was it silouette or 10x8? either way that's some pretty nice shooting. Funny story was when I went with my buddy who had his restricted liscense, Cause I'm in canada and we have to have a Restricted liscense to own handguns, anyway so we're at the range and I have this old Russian SKS and I'm just pecking at 100 yard 10x8s and he has this sweet S&W1911 replica and he looks to me and says, hey if I let you use my gun can I use yours and I was like okay so we traded and I look to this 25 yard siloutte and I got this kind of like feeling of a hothead so I friggin point the gun at it and it was only two and a hlf seconds and I ripped off all the rounds in the pistol and the grouping was aweful, two and a half foot group pattern and I look over to my buddy who is looking at me and he says "I have never seen that pistol shoot so fast".
Wait, if he can do all that how is he not qualified for an infantry position? Are the Canadian forces all SF?
1954264 More or less it was just for the story that he didn't get back into the Canadian forces, in real life if he was traumatized like he was then he probably would've recieved a medical discharge not spend a few months in a field hospital. It's just one of those stories where little things don't quite make sense. like Mack Bolan, the guy served in Vietnam but yet the newest books he's fighting modern day terrorists, but that would make him at least 60 years old yet in the story he is defined as late 30s.
1953677
Hi I don't want to start anything because I have no doubt that you know more about artillery than I do but in the story it did say that the guns were/looked to be in brand new, that can also mean that those weapons had enchants to make wear and tear go away or not make the weapons susceptible to age or anything like that. So after that who knows what other enchantments they could have put on them. Recoil reduction, aim improvements and a bunch of other stuff. Again not trying to start anything just suggesting something
First few paragraphs= someone's been watching Monty python lately
1953912
Yeah, my dad's like that too. Was in the USN for a while. He never liked talking about some of the combat tours he did. One of which he lost a good friend that was in the British Navy. His friend's widow sent my dad the British sailor's beret. He still looks at it every once in a while. However, the kind of questions I always try to ask is the more, "textbook" type, "How should this guy act/talk/react/think?" I get better reactions from those kinds of questions. The error that pushed me over the edge was the idea that a Sergeant told a Lieutenant what to do. Unless that Lieutenant was frozen in the middle of the battlefield, an NCO would never talk to an Officer like that (or at least without expecting insubordination charges).
1953995
Jesse Venture is the actor who claims he was a SEAL (and he was one based on a technicality, his unit was reformed into the current USN SEALs). He doesn't act like one, however, nor has he ever gone through the training today's SEALs have.
I always try to find a nice way to give "harsh" constructive criticism without sounding like an ass. To date, I still can't find it. Blunt seems to be the way I always default to. However, I never stay firm on my opinion when it comes to a story. I can see a good story here, but it needs a little work. As it is, I firmly believe that it has earned my down vote. Once it gets edited (which it does sound like you are going to do) that down vote can easily switch to an up vote. There are very few stories that I have ever read that I just gave up on completely. I wouldn't have wasted my time with a review if I thought that this couldn't get better. I'll check back on this story from time to time and see if it has. This is not the worst story I've ever read by far.
1955002
...
Sorry, I'm something of a military gun-
(
).
Just going based off information provided by the writer. Even so, compare a P90 with the Thompson and even with enchanting the Thompson (which why wouldn't you enchant all of the guns) the P90 is still the-
1955094 Yeah, you'll see at a later time that the lieutenant actually performs rather poorly when it comes to battle situations, you'll see it in one of Clare's flash backs.
And I will edit it later on when my writing skills improve but you should probably know that I'm a redneck and the only reason there is decent grammar in this story is because Microsoft Word has spell correct
What?
Y is he using outdated shit? The UMP45 is the modern Tompson, so why is he using a gun from world war one, world war two and the age of the mafia? Why?
Windtalker reference.
1956400 Tommy gun has a much greater fear factor especially with the drums
Ha Windtalkers references
1955284
Lol, same here, but I'm more of the fast typer that sometimes switches letters in a semi-dyslexic way. Although, I've found extremely little time to write any more...then again, I have something like thirteen stories in various stages of completion...and three video games that I'm writing the storyline for...and designing the characters for...and managing the studio that's designing those games...when is the government going to invent the thirty-hour day?
1956555
Not really. It doesn't have the same impact has a fifty, the rate-of-fire of a SAW, or any explosive quality like the RPG-7 to it. It's a classic, but not very intimidating (especially to combat-hardened soldiers). Besides, there are much better guns to use if you want to have that psychological effect (usually anti-material sniper rifles and other large-caliber/explosive/extremely-high-ROF/combination-of-all-three weapons). Why he chose the old/classic Tommy gun over better-suited, all-purpose weapons or more intimidating weapons is a mystery to me.
1956555 Doesn't mean anything when I can just stand a hundred yards away, you missing every shot while I pick you off with a rifle.
This story is going to get awkward *the chief pony walks in*
Hmm, been thinking about it, I could imagine guns altered for use by ponies, though the recoil would still be a bitch...
Alright just so every one is clear with this whole gun thing, I know that the Thompson is an outdated weapon and the S&W 500 magnum is little over kill and totally impractical but when I looked at the weapon selection the first thing I thought was he would us an AN-94 but I figured it to be a little to out of style so I figured let's give him a gun that can spit out a volume of firepower so I thought hey let's do something like Predator where he has a Gatling gun but it seemed a little too ridiculous so I figured let's give him a sub machinegun that can give out a real volume of fire that had heritage behind it so I thought Heckler and Kock MP5 but I wanted something that could really say 'Action book' and the MP5 was more of a realistic real to life gun in this scenario so I said, 'The gun that fought the Porhibition with both law enforcement and criminal, the gun that served in the military and came to be known as The Chicago Typewriter, the Thompson M1928 with the 50 round drum magazine' and I still needed him to have a gun that could take someone's head right off so I decided to give him the ridiculousness in the form of a revolver.
Lol... Dream catchers are cool
Two questions:
1) How long did Earth and Equestria have being co existing?
2) Now that you mention poison joke I have being wondering, if that flower will have the same effect on humans, will all now what it do to ponys, but humans have different anatomy, so I was wondering: Did poison joke have an inverse effect on humans? Like increase their speed or strength, you know give them some kind of temporally extra power, that last a day as much. That kind of thing
P.S: Oh and is there or will be more humans joining the royal guard?
Try your hand at another sex story I see.
Canadian infantry must be bad*** if he can do that and not make it, they should train our delta force lol!
1968051 Oh yeah Canada has one of the most professional militaries but only because it's so small. If you compare it to the US military, the Canadian forces have a small combat force so they have the time to give each indivdual soldier a large amount of training, and our Marksman program is so popular that militaries from around the world send their marksmans to Canadian forces bases to train. I'm proud to be Canadian, and I cross my fingers that I can join the infantry next year
1966845 I hadn't put alot of thought into the co-existing thing or the whole poison joke with humans but I supose the effects would be generally the same for humans, and I won't spoil the story for you but there will be a part in the story where there a some human soldiers
I love you story man! Just seeing it all in my head just fills me with excitment!
1973924 oh yeah buddy, when I write these stories I always picture myself to be there so the action scenes are always my favourites and the romance scenes... well let's just say in my last romance book had a very disturbing time
C7. That's right, I forgot you were Canadian. I just started this and you got me hooked! And a question, we're you in the service?
Cliffhangers...
MOAR
Check out the US Green Berrets or US Navy SEALS's
1977493 No not yet. Ma says that she wants me to finish highschool before I enlist. I can't wait to get out of school and enlist, but now I might have to wait a little longer because I'm helping out a local dariy farm who are in need of a little help. And oh yeah, the Green Berets and the Navy Seals are some tought sons of bitches, glad that America and Canada are allies I'll tell you that
a hundred round mag on a pistol is overkill... that truck wasn't overkill what is over kill with trucks is a diesel that's twice the size of a normal one with a trailer filled to the brim with explosives and the trailer is remote detachable so you can drive away as it continues rolling towards your target...
>>Trigger_Finger Same here, just pretending to be the character and acting out the scenes! It fills my mind with so much amazement when I read your stories
. Which story are you taking about that distured you?
That was some awesome combo of James Bond/ Metal Gear Soild/ Matrix shit right there man!
1979641 Glock 18, beta C magazine, the magazine looks like an infinity symbol, they hold 100 9mm rounds.
1979232 Secret Crush, I liked writing the story and it was fun until I got to the sex scenes then it disturbed me because... well you know, picturing being the character isn't the brightest thing when writing those kinds of scenes
But thanks for taking one for the team.
LOL
I loved secret crush, the fight with wolfy was awesome. the clop parts were interesting though. Hey! would you possibly in the future make an anthro pony story?
I have some ideas for it but i'm not as great a writer as yourself.