J1nkuro
Joined 24th May, 2012 ·
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It doesn't seem like there was much planning, or thought put into the story. Things just seem to happen at random, with little ot no description, and the dilog is pretty bland. Plus there are grammar erros throughout the story, no separation of dialog, and this is very close to just being a wall of text.
Don't get me wrong, I would really like to see where this goes, but this chapter needss to be redone.
I suggest finding someone that could help you out with this story. A beta reader/editor. Maybey even just a document program with a good spell/grammar check program.
I won't vote this down, but others might be so nice.
Good luck with all of your endeavors.
gameinformer.com/resized-image.ashx/__size/610x0/__key/CommunityServer-Discussions-Components-Files/258/0246.wall-of-text.png
There wasn't much planning put into it, I just wrote this off the top of my head and any helpful input to improve the chapter and future chapters will be greatly appreciated.
Let's see...
-Word wall
-Run on sentences
-Confusing Dialogue
I'm not going to bitch about every little thing I see, but here's a tip that is easy to follow. When a different character starts talking in new dialogue, start a new paragraph. That makes it a hell of a lot easier to read.
Ex:
"But I thought you hated My Little Pony," said Timmy
Jason replied "No, I lied. I'm actually a closet brony." And with that, he burst into tears, while Timmy sat there eating poptarts.
WALL OF TEXT
GAH! Wall of text!
wall of text, but still...
followin'
I'm honestly surprised this story has as many likes as it does. I would have been surprised if there were only 10 likes.
We have:
1. Wall of text.
2. Horrible grammar.
3. Horrible spelling.
4. Constant tense changes.
5. All conversations placed in the same paragraph (leading to the wall of text).
6. Absolutely no description at all (First I did this, then I did that, after that I did a little of this and that).
7. The character is the typical idiotic self-insert found in 99% of these fics (which all tend to suck as well).
And that's not everything. If I could bring myself to read the entire thing, there's no telling how long I could make that list (considering a lot of that list was made after a very brief scan, I'm guessing it would be very, very long).
How can you fix this?
1. Actually bother to take less than a second to read it over for mistakes. There's no way you could have missed all of them.
2. Get someone to look it over for mistakes. I'm sure you can find several authors on here who would love to help.
3. Never have more than one person talking in the same paragraph! 1854080 This.
4. Show. Don't tell. Any hope I had for this died in the first paragraph when I had to hear how the stupid OC did this, then that, then everything in-between.
5. Stick to one tense. If you want to use past tense, then use past tense, and only past tense. This had several tense changes in a single paragraph.
6. Please don't make the OC completely stupid. The sight of a forest should not make an elite soldier (which, considering what most OCs tend to be, I'm guessing he is) think, "Wow, that's like a fairy tale!"
That said, good luck with the rest of the story. I guess.
fix what the guy below me said, and i like the idea of it, its just shitty way of presentation.
not bad. it may not be perfect. But atleast you can read and somewhat undersatand it. Not bad for a first fan fiction. I will read on
I edited the chapter and tell me what you think now.
I'll give it a like just because you have a picture from ghost recon, and I'll fave it when I actually read it.
Pretty good, hope you update soon.
I'm working on the second chapter
Not gonna lie this could be better . Both chapters so far seem rushed and both are actually kind of hard to read. Try using some paragraph breaks and maybe adding more substance to your chapters. That being said its a good story but it could be a great one with more time and attention to the details that seem to be missing.
I agree with the above comment. Plus, the characters just seem too... Robotic. For example, when Rapter called them all weak, you would expect Rainbow to defend her honor with a comeback or challenge, but nothing comes. Also, when he meets Spike, he doesn't even care that this strange creature just picked him up without permission. And then there's the fact that none of them seemed even slightly wary that this giant ship just came out of nowhere, and this stranger just asked them to get inside it with no precautions whatsoever.
I would really recommend a rewrite, because, no offense, this story is really looking like a piece of crap.
It seems like a list considering that almost all the places a . should be there is and and i agree with the previous comments
Bro, slow down, more details, and read it outloud to find mistakes, but I like the idea
Meh. This ain't the best but neither is it the worst