Mason an earth pony working for a band of treasure hunters falls into a mine shaft he was exploring. Mason soon meets a descendant of Star Swirl the Bearded who starts him on a great quest across all of Equstria and beyond.
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gplane1749
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No first for you!
Seriously though please citque my work i need all the help i can get.
Hi there! I'm not much of a reviewer, (in fact I'm new here on fimfiction) but I'll give it a shot!
Now, this is by no means an abysmal story, but it isn't quite well done.
First of all, I must address this little peeve of mine:
Oh come on! you couldn't have described that any better? That was very blatant give-away. You just kinda threw it out there for the reader. You're telling us what is happening, but you're not really showing us.
Even though you have the plot in your description, the story should explain it as well. In further depth, even. The description is just supposed to give a basic idea of what will happen. Yours is a bit... lackluster.
Now, the major problem with this story so far? The grammar. There are a lot of missed question marks, commas, and other mistakes in this. Every time a spelling/Grammar error occurs, it takes away the experience for the reader.
Here's a couple examples of what I mean.
He's in his own way?
Missed a period, there. Typically, when someone thinks to themselves, it should be in italics. (Example: I like thinking to myself. I enjoy how only I can hear things in my head that nobody else can.)
The greatest advice I can give to you as a new author is to read your written work aloud before you submit it. Read what you actually wrote instead of what you think you wrote. Try to see it from a reader's perspective.
Lastly, if you want more viewers, a cover image is always nice.
There is hope for this story! A bit of editing and a little more shine will take it a long way.
1631342
Thanks I fixed the mistakes and thoughts.
Please tell me about all the mistakes I know I made a TON.
Thank you for reading.
Okay, here goes.
First, you have a couple mistakes in your description. "Mason an earth pony working for a band of treasure hunters falls into a mineshaft he was exploring. Mason soon meets a desendant of Star Swirl the Bearded who starts him on a great quest for knowledge. After they get arested of course."
There is another "r" in arrested. And you need a couple of commas. I would phrase it like so, if I were you: "Mason, an earth pony working for a band of treasure hunters, falls into a mineshaft he was exploring. There he meets a desendant of Star Swirl the Bearded who starts him on a great quest for knowledge. After they get arrested of course."
Now, on to the story itself. I'm not gonna pick on your grammar mistakes. (Except the ones in the description, because that's really important. It's the one part of your story that people read even if they don't read your story!) The best thing to do to improve your grammar is to read a lot of good writing, which will pour good grammar into your mind, and to write a lot. Whenever I look back on something I've written that isn't any good, I figure, "That's more bad writing that I got out of my system!"
Here's my thoughts on your story and characters:
First up, Mason. He's kind of cool. A down-to-earth guy who falls in with the wrong ponies and then some misadventure. I don't read too many OC stories, but he's a likeable character. So is Sunny. I was getting a bit of a Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi vibe from their interaction.
Next, the story. The biggest problem facing your tale right now is that it needs to be spiced up a bit. You have to give the readers something to make them go, "I absolutely must Favorite this story because I've got to know what happens to Mason!" Easier said than done, I know.
Okay, you know what? I'm just going to run with that Star Wars comparison I made a moment ago to give you some advice on storytelling. (From someone whose stories are basically B Adventure stories, nothing really A-List yet, so take it for whatever it's worth to you.)
First, your tags read "Random" and "Slice of Life." Is that really the kind of story this is? Because so far, everything I'm seeing, including your description, says "Adventure" to me, not "Slice of Life." I could be wrong, though. I have no idea where you're going with it. But you use the word "quest" so I'm going to just assume you're writing an adventure story.
So Mason is like your Luke Skywalker. (Or Frodo Baggins, if that helps. The Geek Force is strong with this review...
) Why do we care about Luke when we watch Star Wars? He's a whiny kid who is, like, the least cool character in the whole movie until the last five minutes. We care because he's a regular guy like us...except with a destiny. We know he has a destiny because his father was a hero in some war and the old wizard is handing him his father's sword. You're probably thinking, "I can't get away with something like that! Readers would scream 'Mary Sue' and run away from Mason like he was a leper." And you'd be right. They would. It sucks but it is so. And really you might not want to make Mason some awesome, destined-to-save-the-world type hero anyway. I'm not sure what direction you're taking him in. The point of the Luke Skywalker comparison is to show how the audience's imagination can be captured by some mystery and foreshadowing. That is something you can use in your own story. You do this a little when Sunny explains about the Crystal Caves and we hear a certain mischievous voice speak. But you can do more. Pile on the drama. Make the readers feel that there are shadowy goings-on that they absolutely have to know about.
In your description, you say Mason is going to be sent on a quest for knowledge. Right now the reader has no reason to feel that this is an important undertaking. And it's in the description only. In the story it just looks like some random earth pony fell down a hole and just happened to discover an old man who is guarding a powerful magic site, who then decides to spill everything to this pony he doesn't even know.
You have likeable characters and I think it's cool how Mason starts his story by falling in with a shady group of rogues. I also like that he has a bit of character weakness and does not immediately leave them when he finds out they are up to no good. It's neat to see Sunny show up as a ally, and even try to help him avoid the guards. What your story needs most of all is a hook, something to pull the audience in a little closer so that they can't bear to see Mason's story go on without them.
Lastly, I don't know how long this story is going to be, but something you might consider while you are writing it is to take breaks and try your hand at a few short stories on the side (like, single chapter one-shots) to experiment with different kinds of writing/storytelling.
Whew! Hope some of that helps.
Keep writing, my friend.
1649606
Thanks for the advice fixed the mistake in the discription too. I can not beleive i missed that.
Please point out any mistakes
Really sorry for the super long wait. I will try to be quicker next time.
This story takes place in the same universe as my other story The Incident.
Feed back is welcome.
Psst, hey, I got the stuff. Straight from: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Mason’s Quest
Grammar score out of 10: 7 Mostly in the flow of your story.
Pros:
Mason seems like and interesting character.
Same goes for Sunny
Your chapters actually have good spacing (as in, where they end feels natural, like it is supposed to end there).
Cons:
Your pacing is rather fast.
The dialogue feels two dimensional.
Read this, it explains everything I have to say about this con.
Notes Section:
And now, we take a moment of silence before diving into the deep end of the review.
…
Okay, good enough. Now, you see, I face a bit of a quandary here. Most of what I could say has been said by Kolwynia down there. He’s a cool person, so I’m not angry about that or anything. But still, I’m having a bit of trouble coming up with a review.
I suppose I’ll just go for my usual, and explain my pros and cons. First up, Mister Mason, the star of this show. I find him to be interesting because most of the time when someone creates a pony OC, they do something “cool“. Usually something that makes them stand out. Now, I’m not saying Mason doesn’t stand out, because he does. In fact, he stands out for the exact opposite reason that these other OC characters do. He is a normal pony who just needs to make a living. Simple as that. You know what that feeling is? That, friend, is the feeling of a relatable character. He’s just some regular Joe construction worker, who wound up working for some shady guys to make ends meet. Can anyone truly fault him for this? Can anyone say that they wouldn’t even think about doing the same in his situation? If you said yes, quit lying, liar. So, yeah, meeting an OC who actually feels like someone the reader could relate to is nice. And a very important part of any main character.
Now, for Sunny. That crazy old pony, and the elder half of the student/mentor duo. His easy going attitude, and willingness to help Mason makes him quite likeable. Sure, he’s forgetful, but that really only makes him more likeable. A thing about Sunny, that I feel I should tell you. While yes, you want him to be likeable, at the same time you don’t want to draw too much attention away from Mason. Unless you want them to be co-stars, Mason should remain the focus of the story. That hasn’t really been a problem so far, but I felt that you should know that.
Moving on we have the, for lack of a better word, spacing of your chapters. When the chapters end, I actually felt like it was a natural break in the story. Somewhere that helps to draw in the reader for more, and not like you just cut the chapter off. So, good job there. But at the same time, your pacing is quite fast. Now, the link I included in my third con will tell you about what you can do to fix this problem, but I’ll give you another piece of advice right now. Before you write each chapter, think to yourself “What is going to happen in this chapter?” Personally, I name one big goal, and at least three scenes that I can include to further this goal.
So, chapter one, I’ll assume your goal was to introduce Mason to Sunny. Now, being the first chapter your first point should be to introduce Mason, and any supporting characters around him. After that, it would make sense to write a scene explaining what he is doing, and why he is doing it. This would be a good moment for some back story. After that, we move onto him falling into the hole, and meeting Sunny. Myself, I’d make that two whole scenes. A somewhat short scene depicting him exploring the cave (a good opportunity for some character development), and another where he meets Sunny. Now while I am talking about writing your chapter in scenes, there is something else you need to remember. Your chapters have to flow, and well too. I mentioned this in the grammar section. You have to write in a way that doesn’t make the reader have to occasionally stop to figure out what is going on. If they have to do that, then your story loses its immersion value. A good story is one that makes the reader totally forget the outside world, remember that.
Now, for my final point: your dialogue. When your characters speak, it feels like they’re just reciting lines. You need to describe how they talk, or the emotions that have when they speak.
In that quote, there is no emotion. Sure, the reader can guess what he’s feeling, but you never want to force the reader to decide these things on their own. It kind of defeats the purpose of writing, if the reader is doing half the work in their mind.
In that version, we see that Sunny is relaxed, and is trying to make Mason feel the same way. It adds depth to the conversation, and gives the reader a more clear picture. Now, just remember to include what the speaker may be doing, or the tone in which they spoke. This will greatly improve the quality of your dialogue.
There you go, good sir. One review, just like I said I would give you. I’ll be keeping an eye out for your story, but I’m not going to favorite and/or vote on it yet. If you need help in the future, feel free to send me a PM. We can work things out from there.
Enjoy your review! And thanks for reviewing my story: Que Sera, Sera
2042428 Thanks for the advice. I will remember it.