Mason’s Quest
Chapter 6: Ponyville
Mason walked down the center street of Ponyville. He took in the sights of his home town, the town hall still standing tall and proud, the park, and his favorite building the library inside of the oak tree at the end of the street. As good as it was to reminisce about the time he lived here he could not shake the feeling of being watched. It was as if a pair of invisible eyes was watching his every move, his every breath, his every thought.
Suddenly, when Mason had reached the center of town, a pink blur of pure happiness exploded into existence in front of him. Mason’s eyes could not follow the blur it was moving at speeds that rivaled the faster young flyer ever. Mason could just make out what was being said. The words were being shot at him with no pause or breath taken in between.
“Hi! My name is Pinkie Pie and you must be new to Ponyville, because I know everypony in Ponyville and two donkeys. Oh and a zebra bt she doesn’t really live in Ponyville she lives in the Ever Free that’s why we never saw her. Are you from the Ever Free . Is that why I have never seen you before?”
“I am not from the forest. I am living in Canterlot but I am from here. My name is Mason, do you remember me now Pinkie Pie?” Mason asked the hyperactive pink pony.
“How do you know my name? Are you a spy sent by the changelings? Or Discord? Or a changeling Discord?” Pinkie asked getting right up in Mason’s face.
“I am not a spy. You are a huge celebrity Pinkie Pie. Alost everypony in all of Equestria knows your name.” Mason explained. “You must have moved here when I was always of doing a bricklaying job. Then I moved so I guess we never met.”
“Well in that case I need to throw you a welcome back to Ponyville party.” Pinkie exclaimed.
“I am not really one for parties. Thank you though besides I am here on business not to move back.”
“Okay that’s fine not everyone likes a party. Now is there anything I can help you with while you are here?”
“Since you know everypony in town could you tell me where Swift Wind lives by any chance?” Mason asked.
“Oh! Oh! I do! He lives just down this street at the third house on the right.” Pinkie said while bouncing in place to a beat only she could hear.
“Thank you very much. I hope to see you soon Pinkie Pie.” Mason called over his shoulder as he walked to his old friend’s house.
“Bye Mason.”
Mason quickly made his way to the house that Pinkie had pointed too. The gray earth pony was lost in thought. “I am glad that I did not go to Swift’s old address. This house certainly looks nicer than that tiny apartment he was living in.” He concluded as he reached the front door. Mason knocked three times on the door of the medium sized house.
After a few moments, Mason was going to knock again when suddenly the door swung open and there stood Swift Wind. The pale green pegasus’s eyes widened t the sight of his old friend. “Mason! What are you doing here?” Swift Wind asked. “Does The Foreman know you are here?”
“Nope I left the group around a week ago. I got a new job in Canterlot. Don’t worry this one is not like last time. I just came to Ponyville for business and decided to stop by.” Mason explained. “Do you mind if I come in?”
“No not all Mason come right in. It is good to see you again.” Swift step out of the way and opened the door wider to allow the earth pony to come inside the house. He walked into the living room and took a seat on the couch. He motioned at a chair across from it. “Go ahead take a seat Mason.” Mason sat down in the chair and looked around nervously.
Swift Wind broke the silence and asked a question that had been bugging him. “How did you get out of The Foreman’s group. He never lets anypony leave. No matter what.”
“We were working on a dig in Canterlot. A mineshaft, we thought that it might have an entrance to the castle’s catacombs. The lowered me down into it when the guard showed up. They hightailed it out of there and left me in the mine. I wandered around and found the entrance to a old outpost. The unicorn there took me back up to the surface and offered me a job.” Mason explained.
“A job? What kind of job could you do for a unicorn?” Swift Wind asked.
“I work as an assistant Just help out wherever he needs work to be done. Right now I am getting him something from that zebra the lives in the woods. What was her name again?”
“Zecora? She lives out on the path that goes by the apple orchard. If you leave now you could make it there and back by night fall.” Swift told him.
“Thanks for the directions. If you say that I leave now I better get going. If what I am doing here takes longer than just today could I crash here?”
“Of course you could. It would be just like old times. Now you be careful in that forest. The monsters have been more active lately.” Swift warned.
“Okay I will keep that in mind, thank you. I will come back when I get back from the forest. Goodbye.” With that, the earth pony walked out of his old friend’s house with a slight wave. Mason walked down the road the led to the apple farm and the menacing forest beyond. Mason was worried about what Swift had said about the monsters being more active but he was sure that nothing to bad would happen.
Psst, hey, I got the stuff. Straight from: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Mason’s Quest
Grammar score out of 10: 7 Mostly in the flow of your story.
Pros:
Mason seems like and interesting character.
Same goes for Sunny
Your chapters actually have good spacing (as in, where they end feels natural, like it is supposed to end there).
Cons:
Your pacing is rather fast.
The dialogue feels two dimensional.
Read this, it explains everything I have to say about this con.
Notes Section:
And now, we take a moment of silence before diving into the deep end of the review.
…
Okay, good enough. Now, you see, I face a bit of a quandary here. Most of what I could say has been said by Kolwynia down there. He’s a cool person, so I’m not angry about that or anything. But still, I’m having a bit of trouble coming up with a review.
I suppose I’ll just go for my usual, and explain my pros and cons. First up, Mister Mason, the star of this show. I find him to be interesting because most of the time when someone creates a pony OC, they do something “cool“. Usually something that makes them stand out. Now, I’m not saying Mason doesn’t stand out, because he does. In fact, he stands out for the exact opposite reason that these other OC characters do. He is a normal pony who just needs to make a living. Simple as that. You know what that feeling is? That, friend, is the feeling of a relatable character. He’s just some regular Joe construction worker, who wound up working for some shady guys to make ends meet. Can anyone truly fault him for this? Can anyone say that they wouldn’t even think about doing the same in his situation? If you said yes, quit lying, liar. So, yeah, meeting an OC who actually feels like someone the reader could relate to is nice. And a very important part of any main character.
Now, for Sunny. That crazy old pony, and the elder half of the student/mentor duo. His easy going attitude, and willingness to help Mason makes him quite likeable. Sure, he’s forgetful, but that really only makes him more likeable. A thing about Sunny, that I feel I should tell you. While yes, you want him to be likeable, at the same time you don’t want to draw too much attention away from Mason. Unless you want them to be co-stars, Mason should remain the focus of the story. That hasn’t really been a problem so far, but I felt that you should know that.
Moving on we have the, for lack of a better word, spacing of your chapters. When the chapters end, I actually felt like it was a natural break in the story. Somewhere that helps to draw in the reader for more, and not like you just cut the chapter off. So, good job there. But at the same time, your pacing is quite fast. Now, the link I included in my third con will tell you about what you can do to fix this problem, but I’ll give you another piece of advice right now. Before you write each chapter, think to yourself “What is going to happen in this chapter?” Personally, I name one big goal, and at least three scenes that I can include to further this goal.
So, chapter one, I’ll assume your goal was to introduce Mason to Sunny. Now, being the first chapter your first point should be to introduce Mason, and any supporting characters around him. After that, it would make sense to write a scene explaining what he is doing, and why he is doing it. This would be a good moment for some back story. After that, we move onto him falling into the hole, and meeting Sunny. Myself, I’d make that two whole scenes. A somewhat short scene depicting him exploring the cave (a good opportunity for some character development), and another where he meets Sunny. Now while I am talking about writing your chapter in scenes, there is something else you need to remember. Your chapters have to flow, and well too. I mentioned this in the grammar section. You have to write in a way that doesn’t make the reader have to occasionally stop to figure out what is going on. If they have to do that, then your story loses its immersion value. A good story is one that makes the reader totally forget the outside world, remember that.
Now, for my final point: your dialogue. When your characters speak, it feels like they’re just reciting lines. You need to describe how they talk, or the emotions that have when they speak.
In that quote, there is no emotion. Sure, the reader can guess what he’s feeling, but you never want to force the reader to decide these things on their own. It kind of defeats the purpose of writing, if the reader is doing half the work in their mind.
In that version, we see that Sunny is relaxed, and is trying to make Mason feel the same way. It adds depth to the conversation, and gives the reader a more clear picture. Now, just remember to include what the speaker may be doing, or the tone in which they spoke. This will greatly improve the quality of your dialogue.
There you go, good sir. One review, just like I said I would give you. I’ll be keeping an eye out for your story, but I’m not going to favorite and/or vote on it yet. If you need help in the future, feel free to send me a PM. We can work things out from there.
Enjoy your review! And thanks for reviewing my story: Que Sera, Sera
2042428 Thanks for the advice. I will remember it.