Mason's Quest

by gplane1749

Chapter 2: Trading Stories

Mason’s Quest

Chapter 2: Trading Stories

Mason could not believe what his eyes and ears were telling him, standing right in front of him was another pony, a living breathing pony. This was not just anypony either; he claimed to be a descendent of Star Swirl the Bearded one of the most powerful unicorns in Equestria. Plus he claimed to be the keeper of the Crystal Caves, whatever those were.

Mason walked into the room in wonder. He had expected a small dusty hovel but instead there was a normal room just like in any other house. There was a small couch with a coffee table in front of it, a lamp, bookshelves lined the walls, and he saw an entrance to a small kitchen. There was something off about the room though; every thing in the room was out of date. Not one piece of furniture was in the modern style. Mason did not recognize any of the books he saw on the shelf.

“Have a seat on the couch Mason; you look like you could use a rest. Hang on I will be right back with some thing to drink.”

“Thank you Mr. Swirl.”
“Call me Sunny, Mr. Swirl is my father.”

“Okay then Sunny. You said you were the keeper of the Crystal Caves, what does that mean.”

Sunny sat the tray with two cups of tea down onto the coffee table and sighed. “Have you ever heard of the Crystal Caves?”

“No I haven’t. Are they important?”

“Very much so, they are one of the most powerful places in Equestria. Long ago when chaos reigned supreme and Discord ruled the land-”

“Did somepony say my name?” a voice called out from one of the side rooms. It had a mischievous sound to it.

“Could it really be him? No it can’t be.”

“Shut up and go back to sleep!” Sunny yelled at the door the voice emanated from.

“Fine, you didn’t need to be so rude though.”

“Who was that?” Mason asked cautiously.

“Nopony”

“Okay? Please continue with your tale.”

“Ah yes my story. When Discord ruled he would always test his newest ways to spread chaos before he did it on a much larger scale. His favorite testing ground was the mountain where Canterlot now sits. Discord’s tests released huge amounts of raw magical energy. This energy trickled down into the cave underneath the mountain and absorbed by the crystal formations. After the princesses sealed away Discord in stone Celestia noticed the enormous collection of energy stored here in the caves. She knew that if this amount of energy was ever harnessed by a being with malicious intent that all of Equstria would be at stake.”

“Wow. All that power down here, no wonder it is a secret.” “Really that much power.” Mason asked in awe.

“Yes, I am afraid so. That is the reason why formed the position of keeper to make sure that nopony wielded the power held inside the crystals against Equestria. That is also why Canterlot was built on top. The princesses wanted to keep a close eye on the energy themselves. As the kingdom grew, the royal sisters could not focus on the caves anymore, so they appointed Star Swirl, the most powerful unicorn in Equestria ant the time, as the first keeper. The position was passed down from generation to generation for centuries. Then my father, Moon Swirl, passed it down to me. ”

“Wow I never knew all that Is it a royal secret?”

“No, but is not supposed to be common knowledge either. Now I have shared my story with you why don’t you share yours?”

"I have to ask why did you tell me all that? You do not even know me."

"I felt like I owed you an explination as to why I am down here. I also have not had a pony to trade stories with in a very long time. Plus I talk more than I should most of the time."

"Ok, that makes sense." Mason sighed, “My story is not nearly as interesting as yours.”

“I am sure that it will be more interesting than sitting in an underground room.”

Mason relented. He knew he would have to tell the old stallion. “I hope he does not kick me out for what I have done. I don’t think that he would but I have been wrong about people before.”

“Okay I will tell you my story. I was born in the town of Ponyville. My parents were normal ponies. My father was a bricklayer like me and my mother was a unicorn seamstress. I grew up in a good family; both of my parents loved me and they cared about my life. I inherited the family business and-”

“You were a tailor?”

“No, a bricklayer. Business was going good until ponies stopped needing things built. I tried going to other towns but it was the same situation everywhere. With no work I became desperate and was about to sell the family homestead when the foreman found me. He was a pegasus and he was the most charismatic pony I ever met. He offered me a job, helping his archeological dig team. He told me that since every member of the team was a pegasus the team needed somepony to haul heavy loads. I had a moment of great stupidity and agreed. One day we were about to start a dig when a group of guards came and threatened to arrest us that was when I realized they we were not archeologists but grave robbers. I wanted to quit but I really needed the money. Then I fell down a tunnel on the last dig and met you.”

“It seems like that you falling down that tunnel was a blessing in disguise, now you do not have to worry about getting arrested.” Sunny stood up and exclaimed, “Well then we better go fix up that hole you made.”

“How can we get there? It took me hours to find this room.”

“Ah you forgot one very important thing; I am an extremely powerful unicorn, second only to Twilight Sparkle. I will teleport us there. Hang on.”

“Wait we’re going no-“ Mason was cut off as the weirdest sensation filled his body. It felt like his entire body was being pulled in all directions and being pushed into a ball at the same time. When the feeling passed, Mason was stunned. “Wow we really are at the tunnel entrance. He must be super powerful to get both of us here from at least a few miles away.”

“We’re here. Now help me move this boulder I used up most of my magic getting us here and it takes a while to recharge.”

Mason pushed the boulder while Sunny pulled with his magic. Suddenly a shout rang out “Stop thief! Halt in name of the royal guard.”

“Crap” Mason and Sunny said in unison.

Comments

[gplane1749]

Please tell me about all the mistakes I know I made a TON.
Thank you for reading.

[Kolwynia]

Okay, here goes.

First, you have a couple mistakes in your description. "Mason an earth pony working for a band of treasure hunters falls into a mineshaft he was exploring. Mason soon meets a desendant of Star Swirl the Bearded who starts him on a great quest for knowledge. After they get arested of course."

There is another "r" in arrested. And you need a couple of commas. I would phrase it like so, if I were you: "Mason, an earth pony working for a band of treasure hunters, falls into a mineshaft he was exploring. There he meets a desendant of Star Swirl the Bearded who starts him on a great quest for knowledge. After they get arrested of course."

Now, on to the story itself. I'm not gonna pick on your grammar mistakes. (Except the ones in the description, because that's really important. It's the one part of your story that people read even if they don't read your story!) The best thing to do to improve your grammar is to read a lot of good writing, which will pour good grammar into your mind, and to write a lot. Whenever I look back on something I've written that isn't any good, I figure, "That's more bad writing that I got out of my system!"

Here's my thoughts on your story and characters:

First up, Mason. He's kind of cool. A down-to-earth guy who falls in with the wrong ponies and then some misadventure. I don't read too many OC stories, but he's a likeable character. So is Sunny. I was getting a bit of a Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi vibe from their interaction.

Next, the story. The biggest problem facing your tale right now is that it needs to be spiced up a bit. You have to give the readers something to make them go, "I absolutely must Favorite this story because I've got to know what happens to Mason!" Easier said than done, I know.

Okay, you know what? I'm just going to run with that Star Wars comparison I made a moment ago to give you some advice on storytelling. (From someone whose stories are basically B Adventure stories, nothing really A-List yet, so take it for whatever it's worth to you.)

First, your tags read "Random" and "Slice of Life." Is that really the kind of story this is? Because so far, everything I'm seeing, including your description, says "Adventure" to me, not "Slice of Life." I could be wrong, though. I have no idea where you're going with it. But you use the word "quest" so I'm going to just assume you're writing an adventure story.

So Mason is like your Luke Skywalker. (Or Frodo Baggins, if that helps. The Geek Force is strong with this review...) Why do we care about Luke when we watch Star Wars? He's a whiny kid who is, like, the least cool character in the whole movie until the last five minutes. We care because he's a regular guy like us...except with a destiny. We know he has a destiny because his father was a hero in some war and the old wizard is handing him his father's sword. You're probably thinking, "I can't get away with something like that! Readers would scream 'Mary Sue' and run away from Mason like he was a leper." And you'd be right. They would. It sucks but it is so. And really you might not want to make Mason some awesome, destined-to-save-the-world type hero anyway. I'm not sure what direction you're taking him in. The point of the Luke Skywalker comparison is to show how the audience's imagination can be captured by some mystery and foreshadowing. That is something you can use in your own story. You do this a little when Sunny explains about the Crystal Caves and we hear a certain mischievous voice speak. But you can do more. Pile on the drama. Make the readers feel that there are shadowy goings-on that they absolutely have to know about.

In your description, you say Mason is going to be sent on a quest for knowledge. Right now the reader has no reason to feel that this is an important undertaking. And it's in the description only. In the story it just looks like some random earth pony fell down a hole and just happened to discover an old man who is guarding a powerful magic site, who then decides to spill everything to this pony he doesn't even know.

You have likeable characters and I think it's cool how Mason starts his story by falling in with a shady group of rogues. I also like that he has a bit of character weakness and does not immediately leave them when he finds out they are up to no good. It's neat to see Sunny show up as a ally, and even try to help him avoid the guards. What your story needs most of all is a hook, something to pull the audience in a little closer so that they can't bear to see Mason's story go on without them.

Lastly, I don't know how long this story is going to be, but something you might consider while you are writing it is to take breaks and try your hand at a few short stories on the side (like, single chapter one-shots) to experiment with different kinds of writing/storytelling.

Whew! Hope some of that helps.

Keep writing, my friend.

[gplane1749]

1649606
Thanks for the advice fixed the mistake in the discription too. I can not beleive i missed that.