I have been a MLP fan fro about 2 Years and my real name is Andrew [My Fav MLP character is Rainbow Dash and Applejack]
A Crossover that has Cooro The Crow +Anima from the manga +Anima finding himself in sweet Apple Acres
With his love for Apples he ends up taking some of the Apples not realizing it was an apple Orchard [This actually happens in the manga] And he wants to go back to be with his friends
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screw you for stopping it there you are the worst type of person you should just kill yourself now!
please write more. :'c :p
1601889 I'm going to I just hit a road block [My neice accidenitally deleted what I typed and I forogt what I did type earlier [SHOT]
1601919 Finally thank you for making an +anima crossover i love the manga but its hard to find them!
Oh and love apple jacks meeting,Oh god if senri was there that would be destructive!
1603485 I know what you mean [And if he loses his eyepatch mass destruction
1605002 OH SWEET LUNA That would be awesomely destructive!
1605261 I've read every issue in fact I own every issie :)
1605274 Bring in senri's +anima namesake that bear was evil!
I was planning on doing that already I belive the name of senrui's +Anima was Amurai I think
Wow... just wow!
1 - The writing is really stiff. The 1st paragraph could alone have at least a little more punctuations. It's almost as if Pinkie is the one narrating that paragraph! It's lessens the further you get into the chapter, but is still quite present.
In this particular Universe there are two kinds of humans, regular humans and those who are known as a +Anima. +Anima are shunned from all societies, since regular humans don't want anything to do with the +Anima. +Anima are actually humans who have Animal powers. But one thing all +Anima have is a marking somewhere on their bodies, and the symbol is different depending on how the marking is shaped.
2 - Don't try too hard to approach ''Equestria'' from an ignorant POV. If you want the Ignorant POV, you should rather have the protagonist get it explained to him from the ponies. Not from the narrator to the reader, there is a relative good chance that the reader already know the basics of Equestria.
If you absolutely wanted that ''intro of Equestria'', you could have included it as a foreword (the back of the cover) to the random book at the beginning.
3 - As I mentioned, the writing is rigid. Try to force in some more details, to make it more fluid in nature.
4 - The dialog mirrors the writing, in how it is portrayed and delivered. When a new speaker appears, give them a new line. Space them out.
Applejack started to knocking frantically on Twilight's door, and she could hear Twilight saying "Okay, I'm coming.". After Twilight opened the door she saw her good friend Applejack with a shocked expression on her face, trying to look strong. "What's wrong Applejack are you okay?"
"Sure I guess unless ya saw a human stealing ma Apples!" Applejack answered, while her voice betrayed her attempt at appearing somewhat calm.
5 - If humans a mythological, why, just why do Twilight know how a humans DNA should be?
I could have bought the idea of Twilight rationalizing that the feather's DNA was not a crows DNA, but an unknown. Then she could have mentioned it resembled the DNA of a native species of apes, thus enforcing the idea of a mythological human.
This is like a computer engineer getting a random code file, looking through some random parts of the codes and saying ''Jupp! That's a terminator who looks like a bodybuilder from Austria!''
6 - The plot is to rushed. The story's pace seems to run like the wind and you skip too much. The time skip when AJ discovers Cooro is ok, but the blatant time skip Fast Forward to Twilight's house.... I mean, COME ON!
You could have gone at least something along the lines of ''After short run to Ponyville's library, which also served as Twilight's home....''
7 - Everything is a cliche, so don't go and try to avoid them as the pest, just try to use them in a productive manner. If Rainbow Dash was as shocked as she seemed, she would probably just burst through Twilight's window or something (this is a typical cliche of RD entering Twilight's library), instead of patiently knocking on the door.
It's also a cliche that when RD meets a ''potential threat'', she usually goes ''Up in your face''-ballistic, or if she is alone secretly ''shy away'' in a very ''panic-y'' way. And since RD was alone when she saw Cooro, it's justified how she rushes to Twilght, thus also justifying that ''time skip''.
You should get a prereader or an editor to help you... I hope my critic helps. Remember, practice makes perfect!
1608976 i gotta agree with him on that one
When's the next update my friend?
2771960 Well not for a bit, I have a bit of Writer's Block
hnggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg!
ELABORATE!! PLEASEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!