I have been a MLP fan fro about 2 Years and my real name is Andrew [My Fav MLP character is Rainbow Dash and Applejack]
Part of the PonyEarthVerse
I thought it would be a normal Marsday, instead was I wrong I ended up waking up as the CMC known as Scootaloo, who is a pegasi who can't quite fly. And to make it worse I have an early morning work shift geez can this day get any worse?
And Get this I'm also not the one who's controlling the only most of the time, Scootaloo is! Full Tome has helped me Edit the story and Valshe helped as well
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Ponyearthverse.
Goodbye.
I really want to enjoy reading your work. I really do. But, multiple grammatical errors make it difficult for me to do so.
Let's look at your second and third paragraphs:
That first sentence is a run-on statement. It should be:
"I currently work as a cashier in a Safeway store. Sometimes it can get hectic."
Second, the word "however" almost always has commas nearby it and your usage of the word here is not one of the exceptions.
"For me, however, it got even more annoying..."
In the third paragraph, I'm seeing another run-on statement and confusion using the possessive word "its" instead of the contraction "it's".
"Usually before I go to work, I like to watch MLP FIM. It's a good thing my mother understands and is okay with me being a Brony. My father has the opinion that any male who watched MLP FIM is a person with a few screws loose."
I'm afraid these aren't the only parts where you could fix up the grammar so that the readers will have an easier time figuring out what it is that you're trying to say.
I feel guilty tearing apart a story full of such potential. But if I don't, someone else will later and I can't bear the thought of seeing you get torn apart by some hater that doesn't care about your feelings.
I'm sorry but this needs to be redone
1718126 I guess I could use an editor
English isn't your first language is it....
1721490 Actually it is... I'm just bad at grammer
You really need a pre-reader. This story could have potential, but there are way too many grammatical errors for me to fully enjoy it.
Let me quote something that really got to me, " Laureen Faust becoming Princess Celestia, and Tara Strong becoming Princess Celestia". I know what you were supposed to mean, but it just bugged me so much. It should have been " Lauren Faust becoming Princess Celestia, and Tara Strong becoming Princess Luna. "
Another thing that needs to be improved on is your pacing. Slow down, smell the flowers. Add in as much detail as you can without unnecessary rambling. Paint a picture for your audience. Show, don't tell. We have no idea what the room looks like, where everything is placed, or look of the phone. Speaking of phones, that conversation over the telephone was way too short and blunt. It would have been funny to hear more between the two, even having Scoots still go to work. It would make sense, since it was in your description of the fanfic, and I was expecting to see a lot more that just:
I know it wasn't that bland, but that's what I basically got from it.
"Hey I can't go to work."
"Turned into a pony?"
"Yep."
"K."
As it stands, the characters are very static and bland.
Flesh them out more, give them more personality, and if a character does appear in the story, give a description of them. The audience would want to know what he looks like and what his personality would be like.
I say go back over this chapter, do a complete revision of it. Add missing details, give more dialogue to characters, fix any and all grammatical errors, and pace yourself. Most importantly, get a second and third opinion on chapters before you make it public. It is always better to release a good chapter once a week than a bad one daily.
Another good idea would be to set yourself a word count minimum. I always go for at least 2,000 words per chapter.
You have the potential; you just need to work more for it, and then your results will be one truly great story.
myfacewhen.net/uploads/4660-intrigue.jpg
1721766 Thanks for the advice I was wondering would you willing to help me edit it?
1721794 I wish I could, but lately I have been too busy with art commissions, writing, and my job at Wal-Mart that I wouldn't have the time to properly help out. I gave you some starter points, but that's all I really can do. You can go to the IRC Chat and ask for the help. They'll most likely help out on the spot.
I suggest going and reading fics that have superb quality. Their quality may rub off on your own work. I don't mean to self-promote, but take a look at Awakening. See what you can learn from it. Another tip I have is to, once you finish writing a chapter, go over it slowly and edit as necessary. This has potential, and the description promises a very alluring story.
1718077 May I ask, sir Regidar, what you have against the PonyEarthverse? And why you always try to be the first to comment (and usually succeed) on all kinds of things?
1722672 Ponyearthverse is dry and repetitive. And I comment first because I can. Too much free time.
1722700 Well, I'm sure you can find other ways to pass your free time. Besides, you can always avoid fics you don't like. The description tends to be rather descriptive.
1722672 thanks for the advice I wonder if you could help me proof-read it?
1722746 Nope. I like this, and I'm not gonna stop. If you've got a problem, feel free to block me.
1722754 I'd be willing to help you over Google Docs. If you have Steam, that will make things even easier.
1722837 I don't have a problem with you personally
1722852
Aw, thank you!
1722848 I have a hotmail account, will that work?
1722858
1722898 here is the link Here
1721566
1. Please revise some basic English grammar. You desperately need to do this. Your story is interesting, but the horrible grammar kills it. If you need to, get somebody to proof read for you (I can't, but I'm sure somebody here would be willing to help).
2. It feels like you cut this chapter off in a weird place.
1722855 I actually like the comments you do on the fics like these. Just so simple and funny. "Ponyearthverse. Goodbye." I lol'd at that.
1741298 How are the edits is the story any better?
1741393 Yeah. A lot better. There were some minor errors, but that can be fixed with a simple read-through. Though, I will say this. Some stuff, like the coat, could some description to it.
1741298
It's my specialty.
1742512 If only you had made the first comment on my ponyearthverse story. Then it'd be complete. XD
1743175 Ah well.
One meal on wheels, to go.
2016831 One Soup Coming UP
okay so we have scootaloo now we just need the rest of the CMC
Worst comforting phrase to use after that? "Dude, chill out."
2188019 I edided it try it now
Much improved.
Wow weird story (your intro was different than the other PonyEarthverse fics, it's good, but odly written), i did like reading the part about Medusa (idk why, don't judge me). The tekst does seem kinda cramped tho.
-Read this chapter on my phone and decided to land my first review, (yes, writing this from it too, so far it seems like a very ineffective way to review stories) i currently do not see any emoticon options here and the tekst style of the fic is simplified, so the cramped tekst statement might just be a misinterpretation created by my phone.
Read. Strolling over to next chap.
2294858 Thanks, its part of my writing style I like to sneak in things aboiut Mythology in stories
Hey I was wondering if you could help me with my story a teens guide to becoming a pony so far terrible like just help improve quality if so pm me
PLZ READ DIS
2320157 Umm I would but I'm not that great at writing myself [I've had to get a lot of help editing mine myself
From pretend dog to something roughly the same size as one. Odd how life works sometimes.
2331904 I know, my mother told me I was imitating him [And yes those mishaps really happened to me
Yay!:fluttershyyay: Update on my favourite CMC! Here have some mustaches, don't be modest TAKE THEM ALL!!
2332515 and yup those mishaps growing up [Really happended to me [Even the Breaking and entering one
okay it is official you truely have the right to write fiction about the CMC or their characters with the childhood you had
2335106 Yup and those events really happened [The whole breaking and entering one was well super bad
you've gotta make your chapters longer. anyway, just curious, but when will be the part where you regain control again?
2503085 Well I was planning on the next chapter
Plushie-tastic.
so you have DT plushy but no silver spoon?
2505076 Yeah, it was a bit of an oversight [as I always liked Diamond Tiara's coat better than Silver Spoon's
2504983 Surprised I have a DT plush huh? [I bet nopony on the site except me has one