I'm Scootaloo and Whoa I'm not in Control
My name is Andrew Ng, and I am a young man who is still currently living with his mother and father. My family and I live in a small 2 level house in the west side of the city of Edmonton. It is not the most fancy community. Apparently a lot of retired people live around there. The community is pretty much at the edge of the city. So I suppose, it has it own rustic charm.
I currently work as a cashier in a Safeway store, it can get hectic. For me however it got even more annoying as the week became the length of an entire year. I'm gonna say this, as I'm almost 100% certain but I think, Discord had a hand or is it a paw?, in all of this whole mess.
Usually before I go to work I like to watch MLP FIM. For one thing my mother understands and is okay with me being a Brony. My father has the opinion that any male who watched MLP FIM is a person with a few screws loose. Then again he believes, if someone is surprised they are complaining. And for the most part I listen to whatever he says cause I knew that if I didn't, and started arguing back, his temper would go to the boiling point, and he would start slapping me with full force about 5 times in the same spot.
Anyway After I got back from my shift at Safeway, which in this case was a 5 P.M to 11 P.M shift, I was so tired I ended up going upstairs and passing out on my bed. The night before I had set my alarm clock for 7:30 A.M since I had an 8:30 A.M to 1:30 P.M shift the next day. Ironically I had forgotten to put the alarm on.
When I awoke the next day, which was Marsday, even though I had forgotten to turn on my alarm clock, I ended up waking up at exactly 7:30 A.M. Sleepily, I say to myself while my face is buried in my memory foam pillow, (Well I guess I should get up, as I recall Mom has already left for work and Dad left at about 7 this morning, to help my older sister Allison, with her Craft Show called Handmade Mafia.) That's when I notice something is amiss my security pillow, which I always hug before I go sleep was a lot larger this morning, and my already decent sized bed seemed, quite huge this morning. That's when I realize for some reason I can't feel my hands at all. That's when I notice I have an orange hoof instead of my hand. Seeing as I am still not fully awake, I mumble something along the lines of "I hope I can see a Sonic rainboom today."
That's when recognize the voice I had just yelled in. Worried at what I might see, I slowly turned my head towards my left side, which had directed my vision to the large mirror in my room. I didn't see my reflection in the mirror at all, instead I saw the image of Scootaloo of the CMC.
I manage to say in Scootaloo's voice, "What the heck? This must some kind of a strange dream. Well time to wake up, I'd better pinch myself." Since I now didn’t have hands at all I ended up getting my hooves tangled inside my blanket, and I fall off the bed and land in my laundry basket head first.
I hold my head with my front hooves, trying to soothe the pain of falling on my head. After about 5 minutes or so, I put two and two together and it had hit me, like a ton of bricks. That’s when I realized that the news report about Laureen Faust becoming Princess Celestia, while Tara Strong becoming Princess Luna, was real. I had thought it was a clever way to promote the show, and that random bronies were becoming ponies was a cover up,
My eyes widened in realization it will be physically impossible to wear my Safeway uniform, since I obviously can't fit in it anymore. I yell out loud "Darn it I will have to call them and tell my boss that I'm not feeling well." I look up and the phone is attached to the wall. Seeing as I can't fly I'm forced to move the footstool so I can reach it, however since I'm now in the body of an 8 year old filly, my stamina and physical strength has been diminished by a decent amount, but its no biggie as I'm sure I'm still strong enough to move the stool, after all my 4 year old niece can lift and move it.
I manage to reach the phone and make the call, I was redirected to customer service and, it picked up by the Manager Dave McBride. Dave yawned a little while saying sleepily, "Hello this is Dave McBride may I ask who's calling?" I respond in Scootaloo's voice "Umm Hi Dave, its Andrew, I won't be able to come to work today. Probably not gonna be able to come in for aout a week or two." Dave replied, "Umm May I ask why Andrew?" I sweat-dropped and reply "Umm I don't have hands at the moment?" Dave had his suspisions, about the situation, "You turned into one of ponies on the news didn't you?" I answer my boss by saying "Yeah I did Dave, I just hope its not an issue" Dave chuckled a little, "No Andrew it is not an issue at all, I can see why you need the time off. Once your human again call me, okay?"
After I made the call to work I could swear I could hear Scootaloo's thoughts inside my head, since I am still getting used to how a pony walks I end up tumbling into the walls, as well as tripping on trips both going up and going down the stairs. I do however pack some granola bars and nonperishable foods into my old laptop case. I also slip my wallet and the garage door opener into the front pocket.
After I finally understand how my new legs work I get the garage door open, and when I do I look around for my old scooter I used when I was a child, it was roughly the size of the Scootaloo used in the show.
After I remove the Scooter, it turned out my father's giant Blue 6 foot long Crayola Crayon Piggy bank was placed in between the scooter and the wall, and it set the crayon falling right towards my head, and the result was I got knocked unconscious. Let’s just say it did not feel good, as it really hurt a lot. When I awakened I realized my body is using the Scooter, the bad news is I don't think I'm in control. It had turned out the result of getting knocked out by the gigantic novelty crayon piggy bank, made my mind and Scootaloo's mind, let's just say they swapped places.
That's when I hear a female voice, and the voice is very familiar, its of the orange, pink maned pegasi whose body I'm currently sharing at the moment. She is currently using my or, rather her wings to move the Scooter up and down the street. She had obviously noticed that it was cold outside, since it was clear that it was cold enough to snow, so Scootaloo ended up fitting into my 4 year old Niece's old coat. It was a good thing that my niece had recently outgrown the coat.
Scootaloo looked around in wonder, while oohing and awing at things she had never seen before, before saying, "Wow so this is an interesting world you have. Your kind has all sorts of neat things, some that we do have and some we don't have in ponyville, like that big metal cart in your garage.” I realized what Scootaloo was referring to, so I said, “I see you are talking about my mother’s car.” Scootaloo has never heard of a device called a car before. So she ends up asking me, while she is jumping about “What is a car and how does it move?” Personally I knew very little about cars, so I replied, "Well this is a different world than the one you used to be in, but we do have similar things I guess. Personally for the car beats me I don’t have a clue how a car works, all I know is that it has an engine, which makes it go, " Scootaloo not was completely excited, nor was she satisfied with my answer. She grumbled, "I guess so, but how come you don't have pegasi clearing the clouds away. Are they being lazy?" I mentally facepalm and answer, "Well Scootaloo the thing is the clouds in this world are more like the ones in the Everfree forest.” Scootaloo was rather confused about this, so she asked, "But what about Pegasi and Unicorns?" I explain to her by saying, "Pegasi and unicorns in this world are only in ancient legends, mostly legends about gods, goddesses and magical, dangerous monsters like the Medusa."
I could tell what Scootaloo was thinking. Since we basically shared the same body, I can tell the face reactions, and in this case I could tell Scootaloo was getting interested. I sigh, and say "The Medusa is a monster that has a mane made of snakes." Scootaloo was a bit, or should I say pretty scared of the mention of the word snakes. She ends up saying, with excitement and fear in her voice "Snakes as her hair? That's gotta be dangerous, not to mention poisonous. Why I'll bet that's why she’s dangerous!" I laugh a little. After I had finished my laugh I say "Not too sure about the mane-snakes being poisonous, but that's not the reason why its so dangerous. Do you remember the monster, I believe it is called a Cockatrice?" Scootaloo starts shaking a little as, she did not want to be reminded of that experience "Yeah one almost got me, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle. That was when we were being babysat by Fluttershy, and we were chasing her chicken in the Everfree Forest, why do you ask?" That’s when I say to her, "The Medusa is a monster who was known to have what is known as a stone gaze, if you were to look into her eyes, she turns you to stone. According to the legend the hero Perseus had defeated the Medusa by using a polished shield, the helm of darkness from Hades, so he could be unseen by her. After he had successfully snuck up to her, he then sliced off her head with a sword. After which his friend who was a Pegasus gave him a lift to the castle." That explanation made Scootaloo gasp in fright, as the monster did sound a lot like a cockatrice.
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Ponyearthverse.
Goodbye.
I really want to enjoy reading your work. I really do. But, multiple grammatical errors make it difficult for me to do so.
Let's look at your second and third paragraphs:
That first sentence is a run-on statement. It should be:
"I currently work as a cashier in a Safeway store. Sometimes it can get hectic."
Second, the word "however" almost always has commas nearby it and your usage of the word here is not one of the exceptions.
"For me, however, it got even more annoying..."
In the third paragraph, I'm seeing another run-on statement and confusion using the possessive word "its" instead of the contraction "it's".
"Usually before I go to work, I like to watch MLP FIM. It's a good thing my mother understands and is okay with me being a Brony. My father has the opinion that any male who watched MLP FIM is a person with a few screws loose."
I'm afraid these aren't the only parts where you could fix up the grammar so that the readers will have an easier time figuring out what it is that you're trying to say.
I feel guilty tearing apart a story full of such potential. But if I don't, someone else will later and I can't bear the thought of seeing you get torn apart by some hater that doesn't care about your feelings.
I'm sorry but this needs to be redone
1718126 I guess I could use an editor
English isn't your first language is it....
1721490 Actually it is... I'm just bad at grammer
You really need a pre-reader. This story could have potential, but there are way too many grammatical errors for me to fully enjoy it.
Let me quote something that really got to me, " Laureen Faust becoming Princess Celestia, and Tara Strong becoming Princess Celestia". I know what you were supposed to mean, but it just bugged me so much. It should have been " Lauren Faust becoming Princess Celestia, and Tara Strong becoming Princess Luna. "
Another thing that needs to be improved on is your pacing. Slow down, smell the flowers. Add in as much detail as you can without unnecessary rambling. Paint a picture for your audience. Show, don't tell. We have no idea what the room looks like, where everything is placed, or look of the phone. Speaking of phones, that conversation over the telephone was way too short and blunt. It would have been funny to hear more between the two, even having Scoots still go to work. It would make sense, since it was in your description of the fanfic, and I was expecting to see a lot more that just:
I know it wasn't that bland, but that's what I basically got from it.
"Hey I can't go to work."
"Turned into a pony?"
"Yep."
"K."
As it stands, the characters are very static and bland.
Flesh them out more, give them more personality, and if a character does appear in the story, give a description of them. The audience would want to know what he looks like and what his personality would be like.
I say go back over this chapter, do a complete revision of it. Add missing details, give more dialogue to characters, fix any and all grammatical errors, and pace yourself. Most importantly, get a second and third opinion on chapters before you make it public. It is always better to release a good chapter once a week than a bad one daily.
Another good idea would be to set yourself a word count minimum. I always go for at least 2,000 words per chapter.
You have the potential; you just need to work more for it, and then your results will be one truly great story.
myfacewhen.net/uploads/4660-intrigue.jpg
1721766 Thanks for the advice I was wondering would you willing to help me edit it?
1721794 I wish I could, but lately I have been too busy with art commissions, writing, and my job at Wal-Mart that I wouldn't have the time to properly help out. I gave you some starter points, but that's all I really can do. You can go to the IRC Chat and ask for the help. They'll most likely help out on the spot.
I suggest going and reading fics that have superb quality. Their quality may rub off on your own work. I don't mean to self-promote, but take a look at Awakening. See what you can learn from it. Another tip I have is to, once you finish writing a chapter, go over it slowly and edit as necessary. This has potential, and the description promises a very alluring story.
1718077 May I ask, sir Regidar, what you have against the PonyEarthverse? And why you always try to be the first to comment (and usually succeed) on all kinds of things?
1722672 Ponyearthverse is dry and repetitive. And I comment first because I can. Too much free time.
1722700 Well, I'm sure you can find other ways to pass your free time. Besides, you can always avoid fics you don't like. The description tends to be rather descriptive.
1722672 thanks for the advice I wonder if you could help me proof-read it?
1722746 Nope. I like this, and I'm not gonna stop. If you've got a problem, feel free to block me.
1722754 I'd be willing to help you over Google Docs. If you have Steam, that will make things even easier.
1722837 I don't have a problem with you personally
1722852
Aw, thank you!
1722848 I have a hotmail account, will that work?
1722858
1722898 here is the link Here
1721566
1. Please revise some basic English grammar. You desperately need to do this. Your story is interesting, but the horrible grammar kills it. If you need to, get somebody to proof read for you (I can't, but I'm sure somebody here would be willing to help).
2. It feels like you cut this chapter off in a weird place.
1722855 I actually like the comments you do on the fics like these. Just so simple and funny. "Ponyearthverse. Goodbye." I lol'd at that.
1741298 How are the edits is the story any better?
1741393 Yeah. A lot better. There were some minor errors, but that can be fixed with a simple read-through. Though, I will say this. Some stuff, like the coat, could some description to it.
1741298
It's my specialty.
1742512 If only you had made the first comment on my ponyearthverse story. Then it'd be complete. XD
1743175 Ah well.
Wow weird story (your intro was different than the other PonyEarthverse fics, it's good, but odly written), i did like reading the part about Medusa (idk why, don't judge me). The tekst does seem kinda cramped tho.
-Read this chapter on my phone and decided to land my first review, (yes, writing this from it too, so far it seems like a very ineffective way to review stories) i currently do not see any emoticon options here and the tekst style of the fic is simplified, so the cramped tekst statement might just be a misinterpretation created by my phone.
Hey I was wondering if you could help me with my story a teens guide to becoming a pony so far terrible like just help improve quality if so pm me
PLZ READ DIS
2320157 I might not get all the mistakes, but I think I can help..
PM me the password? Im kinda new to this