You know how after Galuf regains his Memory he goes back to his world with his Grandaughter Krile [Instead Krile goes back but Galuf ends up in equestria Instead
MLP FIM and [Final Fantasy V Crossover]
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no. No I do not. What is this crossing? Is there any extra info you could give? Honestly it's just a terrible description.
EDIT: Slighty Fixed. Question of Cross has been addressed.
- Where
- "Ugh. Where am I? This isn't the right place at all." OR "Ugh. Where am I, this isn't the right place at all."
- Important
- I was one of the four Dawn Warriors. My name is Galuf. The other Dawn Warriors and I sealed Exdeath using the power of the crystals in the other world 30 years ago. Recently the crystals sealing him were destroyed, releasing him from his seal. (you could also use imprisonment here) Dorgann of the Dawn Warriors stayed behind to make sure that Exdeath (you could probably just use "He" here since we can figure it out pretty easily who you meant) stayed sealed
- "The Dawn Warriors were the old generation of the Warriors of Light or the protectors of the crystals. If you are chosen as one of the Warriors of Light the crystals will imbue you with one of their essences. When the wind crystal shattered,(not sure if a comma is right here but it feels right) the crystals imbued me with the essence of Earth."
- I'm a human. I am the king of (here you could use "the land of" or something of the sort. since being a king of a kingdom is kinda obvious and redundent.)Bal. But that's not important right now."
- As if it's not important(here it's up to you "!" or "." Either one. I recommend "!") I'm not too sure I even believe you at all ( again your choice of punctuation. While this sentence feels pretty weird for Rarity, it on it's own feels like it has energy behind it.
- "Allow me Rarity. My spell can see his past." Ok this one feels really weird. Really out of place. Complete invasion of privacy. They know he is now calm and at least for the moment non-hostile. Thus this feels really OOC for Twi'.
- instead you could do this
Or this
~~~~~~~~
Or something of the sort
King Galuf. How are you today, Sire?" It's kinda like a title so i'm pretty sure you capitalize it. ( I mean "Sire")
- "I'm fine. Just tell me, how is Krile taking the deaths of my son and her mother?"
- "As fine as one can expect, your Majesty. She is heartbroken. After all, she is only a little girl."
After this you need something to tell us the flashback is over. Also this really doesn't prove anything. he said he was the king of a certain place. Not once did they say where they were. You didn't give any details to their surroundings. So once again it all sounds like voices with no image.
- "He's telling the truth. (here you really should have something like "She said to Rarity before turning back to Galuf") Who is Krile anyway?"
K i'm done at this point. I think you get the idea. Really it looks like you wanted to write something but did you take any time to look it over? Did you think to get a pre-reader? This needs heavy editing. I'm not gong to go over every point. Here are some more points to cover.
Capitalize names.
Don't put names at the beginning of the line. Use something else. Like for example. "Galuf said" You could even get more into it like this. "Said Rainbow as she lowered herself to ground level" this way you give a lot more Oomph to the story. Cause right now it's just a bunch of standing around talking. That is boring. Very, very boring.
Use more periods.
Visuals! This whole story just seemed like alot of talking with no images to add to it.
What happened to the CMC? you said they were there but are never mentioned again.
Give some back story ahead of time.
This seemed terribly rushed and needs a lot of work.
YBG out -
1518939 I guess I should have mentioned its crossed with Final Fantasy V [Galuf is the playable character who's an old man] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTbTz9fJAfI
1518956
OK you could throw something like
"FFV Crossing"
Into the description. But still look over the rest of what I said. Good luck.
YBG out -
1518978 I guess I should have so I edited the Descrition a bit
1518990
Not just the description. The whole thing. You WILL get down votes for it's current condition. (I have held back my vote until it is edited) Regaurdless of the story. People are merciless. For your own sake you might wanna take some time out, go over my recommendations, maybe get an extra set of eyes to look it over and edit the heck outta it.
My biggest recommendation is to get more visual aids in. As it is the story is a bunch of boring talking. Even the fight scene got boring. We don't need to know he learned the spell from a monster.
Really it seems like you don't have much of a plan with this. It seems like you had an idea (the crossover) typed it out and that was as far as you planned ahead. This is the last bit I will be saying.
once again. Good Luck.
YBG Out -
I don't normally post suggestions when it comes to fics, I'd just read it and leave it at that, but when it comes to Final Fantasy, I'm kinda different, so I'll post some advice.
Like YourBronyGod said, you need to be more descriptive, to be honest, you shouldn't really expect everyone to know about the world of Final Fantasy V.
Describe the areas the characters are in, such as where was the Earth Crystal located when Exdeath was released from his seal? What did it look like? (Of course, I know it's the ancient floating ruins of Ronka since I've actually played the game). Where is the Castle of Bal, what does the surrounding area look like? Is it mountainous, is it in a desert? I dunno. (actually I do, but I'm sure you get the idea). Like Fluttershy said in your fic, what is a Moogle? You say they're forest dwelling, and only say "Kupo," which in Final Fantasy V context is true, but are they deep in the forest, on the outskirts of one? In the same vein, I'd actually suggest describing the landscape of Equestria too, particularly related to the seasons of the year.
Further, what clothes is Galuf wearing when he changes job classes? What is his monk outfit, what does a Black Mage look like? You talk briefly about Blue Magic, and indicates that he learned it when Aeroga was cast on him, but nothing beyond that. What enemy did he learn it from, and where did he learn it? (I believe that by the point in the game you're using, the only point he could learn it would be from the Enchanted Fan enemy in the Ronka Ruins)
Also, some other notes, Galuf's last name is actually "Baldesion" and both Lenna and Faris have proper full names, though not revealed in the game, if you're going to include Bartz's then you may as well include Lenna and Faris's of "Lenna Charlotte Tycoon" and "Faris Scherwiz."
And while Exdeath does possess great magical powers, he is by all means not a mage, rather he is a tree from the Great Forest of Moore when the Warlock-King Enuo and the Void was sealed away. The humans turned for an alternate method to purge their land of terror and corruption and sealed the malevolent souls in a tree which later became Exdeath.
I'll place this in my Read Later list for now, and take a look at it every now and then for updates and improvements.