Galuf in Equestria

by butterfield pancake

Where the Heck am I?

Galuf in Equestria a Final fantasy V MLP Crossover

After the Earth Crystal was destroyed and the evil Wizard Exdeath was unsealed Galuf regained his lost memories after seeing his granddaughter Krile.

Galuf had to say goodbye to his young friends Bartz, Lenna ard Faris telling them he has to go back to his world and put an end to Exdeath and that the warping power inside Krile's meteorite only has enough power for one last trip. After he and Krile enter the meteorite two sparkles enter the sky these two sparkles are Krile and Galuf however soemthing goes wrong with the warping process Krile is sent to the correct place, however the sparkle that is Galuf goes off course sending Galuf somewhere else entirely.

Unknown to Galuf we his about to be warped to Equestria just outside the Cutie Mark Crusader's clubhouse.

Meanwhile Scootaloo, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle are planning a new plan to get their cutie marks when Applebloom informs Scootaloo that she sees something shining in the sky coming closer and closer to the clubhouse

Scootaloo gets her Scooter ready and sure enough whatever was shining was headed right for the clubhouse and when it landed a strange being was inside, this being could easily been around the age of Granny Smith and this being has a grey beard and a gray mane

Sweetie Belle wonders if this is a dangerous being or a friendly being

At that moment the mane 6 were coming to check on the Cutie mark crusaders and Twilight noticed that a strange being was outside the clubhouse and the three fillies were looking at this being in wonder

The being in question began to wake up

"Ugh were am I this isn't the right place at all." the old human said although the fillies and the Mane 6 don't know Galuf is a human.

Rainbow Dash rushes to tackle Galuf, Galuf realized he is in danger and uses the power of the crystals to change his job class to that of a monk and uses his fists to pummel Rainbow Dash to the ground

Rainbow Dash 'Owww what the heck how did that thing's clothes suddenly changed?" Twilight sparkle starts writing notes with her magic while Applejack get's ready to buck Galuf, Galuf Changes his job class once again and this time to that of a black mage and his clothes change with the job class to a person or being wearing mage robes and wearing a pointed hat. Galuf begins to cast a spell Twilight Sparkle senses the buildup of magical energy as Galuf releases the spell known as Thundara causing Applejack to get painfully electrocuted.

Rarity then tries to use her magic to lift Galuf off the ground just before though Galuf uses the Crystal to change job class once again and this to that of a Blue mage and starts to get to ready to use some blue magic.

Around this time Rainbow Dash was now recovered and watches Galuf start to cast a spell

Galuf starts to cast the wind spell known as Aeroga which is a blue magic meaning he learned it after getting hit by a monster's spell.

Wind begins to surround Rarity and lifts her off the ground and then drops her

The rest of the ponies refuse to attack this dangerous being

Galuf uses the crystal to change his job class once again this time to that of a white mage

Twilight braces herself for a dangerous attack to her surprise Galuf instead casts a spell known as Curaga which is a life recovery spell and uses it on all the ponies recovering their energy

Rainbow Dash "What the heck did you just do?"

Galuf "I used a healing spell known as Curaga sorry the way you attacked me made me think you could have been some of Exdeath's minions."

Twilight "Exdeath who is that?"

Galuf "Exdeath is a deadly mage from my world he went to the other world to destroy the crystals of light and that world needs the crystals to survive."

Rainbow Dash "Crystals whatever they are junk anyway."

Galuf shakes his head no "Not these crystals they control the elements the crystal of wind controls the wind itself without it the air would become stagnant and deadly, the water crystal makes the water pure, the fire crystal provides the world with heat and the earth crystal makes the land lush and good to grow crops the full effect of them breaking won't take effect for about 5-8 years or so."

Twilight "Still more about Exdeath?"

Galuf "I was one of the 4 Dawn Warriors my name is Galuf Halm Balderson the other Dawn warriors and I sealed Exdeath using the power of the crystals in the other world 30 years ago and recently the crystal sealing him were destroyed releasing him from his seal, Dorgann of the Dawn Warriors stayed behind in that world to make Exdeath stayed sealed."

Twilight "Dawn Warriors?"

Galuf "The Dawn Warriors were the old generation of the Warriors of Light or the protectors of the crystals if you are chosen as one of the warriors of light the crystals will imbue you with one of their essences, when the wind crystal shattered the crystals gave their essences to 4 new people well not new if you include me though even though I was from the old generation the crystals imbued me with the essence of Earth."

Galuf "The Dawn Warriors consisted of me, The Werewolf Kelgar Vlondett, My old friend Dorgann Klauser, and King Xezat Matias Surgate.

Rainbow Dash "Then who are the younger generation then?"

Galuf " The wind crystal chose a young man named Bartz Klauser, the fire crystal chose a young female pirate captain known as Faris and the Water Crystal chose the Princess of Tycoon Lenna." Galuf sighed "At the time I couldn't have remembered at all due to the fact I had amnesia at the time I had warped from my world by travelling inside a meteorite the impact caused me to hit my head."

Twilight "But how can you be inside the meteorite anyway?"

Galuf "The meteorite is actually interesting as it is actually a vehicle in a sense it was altered so it could warp between dimensions using Adamanite as fuel for the warp panel inside the Meteorite."

Twilight "But what the heck are you anyway?" Galuf "I'm a human in the world where I am from. And there are differerent Kingdoms where I live, and I rule one of them as the King of the Land of Bal."

Rarity "So you claim you are a King I think you are lying through your teeth."

Twilight "Allow me Rarity my spell can see into his past and that way we will know if he is telling the truth or lying."

Flashback

Soliders "King Galuf how are you today Sire?"

Galuf "I'm fine, just tell me how is Lady Krile taking the death of my son and her mother?"

Solider "As one can expect, your Majesty. She is heartbroken after all she is only a little girl."

And in the game itself the name of the world Galuf Lives in wasn't really established the player only knew it as Galuf's world

Flashback Ended

Twilight Sparkle looks at Rarity saying "He's telling the truth and who is this Krile anyway?"

Galuf "Krile is my granddaughter she is a wondrous lass she has the ability to understand and communicate with wildlife she can even talk to moogles and understand what they say."

Fluttershy "Moogles what are they?"

Galuf "Moogles are a forest dwelling being that can only say the word Kupo."

Applebloom "So you really are a king?"

Comments

[Cheer]

You know how

no. No I do not. What is this crossing? Is there any extra info you could give? Honestly it's just a terrible description.

EDIT: Slighty Fixed. Question of Cross has been addressed.

were

- Where

"Ugh were am I this isn't the right place at all."

- "Ugh. Where am I? This isn't the right place at all." OR "Ugh. Where am I, this isn't the right place at all."

imortant

- Important

"I was one of the 4 Dawn Warriors my name is Galuf the other Dawn warriors and I sealed Exdeath using the power of the crystals in the other world 30 years ago and recently the crystal sealing him were destroyed releasing him from his seal, Dorgann of the Dawn Warriors stayed behind in that world to make Exdeath stayed sealed."

- I was one of the four Dawn Warriors. My name is Galuf. The other Dawn Warriors and I sealed Exdeath using the power of the crystals in the other world 30 years ago. Recently the crystals sealing him were destroyed, releasing him from his seal. (you could also use imprisonment here) Dorgann of the Dawn Warriors stayed behind to make sure that Exdeath (you could probably just use "He" here since we can figure it out pretty easily who you meant) stayed sealed

"The Dawn Warriors were the old generation of the Warriors of Light or the protectors of the crystals if you are chosen as one of the warriors of light the crystals will imbue you with one of their essences, when the wind crystal shattered the crystals gave their essences to 4 new people well not new if you include me though even though I was from the old generation the crystals imbued me with the essence of Earth."

- "The Dawn Warriors were the old generation of the Warriors of Light or the protectors of the crystals. If you are chosen as one of the Warriors of Light the crystals will imbue you with one of their essences. When the wind crystal shattered,(not sure if a comma is right here but it feels right) the crystals imbued me with the essence of Earth."

"I'm a human in the world where I am from I am the king of the kingdom of Bal but that's not imortant right now."

- I'm a human. I am the king of (here you could use "the land of" or something of the sort. since being a king of a kingdom is kinda obvious and redundent.)Bal. But that's not important right now."

"As if its not important so your really a king I'm not too sure I believe you at all."

- As if it's not important(here it's up to you "!" or "." Either one. I recommend "!") I'm not too sure I even believe you at all ( again your choice of punctuation. While this sentence feels pretty weird for Rarity, it on it's own feels like it has energy behind it.

"Allow me rarity my spell can see his past."

- "Allow me Rarity. My spell can see his past." Ok this one feels really weird. Really out of place. Complete invasion of privacy. They know he is now calm and at least for the moment non-hostile. Thus this feels really OOC for Twi'.

Flashback

- instead you could do this

---

Or this
~~~~~~~~
Or something of the sort

"King Galuf how are you today sire?"

King Galuf. How are you today, Sire?" It's kinda like a title so i'm pretty sure you capitalize it. ( I mean "Sire")

"I'm fine just tell me how is Krile taking the death of my son and her mother?"

- "I'm fine. Just tell me, how is Krile taking the deaths of my son and her mother?"

"As one can expect your Majesty she is heartbroken after all she is only a little girl."

- "As fine as one can expect, your Majesty. She is heartbroken. After all, she is only a little girl."

After this you need something to tell us the flashback is over. Also this really doesn't prove anything. he said he was the king of a certain place. Not once did they say where they were. You didn't give any details to their surroundings. So once again it all sounds like voices with no image.

"He's telling the truth and who is this Krile anyway?"

- "He's telling the truth. (here you really should have something like "She said to Rarity before turning back to Galuf") Who is Krile anyway?"

K i'm done at this point. I think you get the idea. Really it looks like you wanted to write something but did you take any time to look it over? Did you think to get a pre-reader? This needs heavy editing. I'm not gong to go over every point. Here are some more points to cover.

Capitalize names.

Don't put names at the beginning of the line. Use something else. Like for example. "Galuf said" You could even get more into it like this. "Said Rainbow as she lowered herself to ground level" this way you give a lot more Oomph to the story. Cause right now it's just a bunch of standing around talking. That is boring. Very, very boring.

Use more periods.

Visuals! This whole story just seemed like alot of talking with no images to add to it.

What happened to the CMC? you said they were there but are never mentioned again.

Give some back story ahead of time.

This seemed terribly rushed and needs a lot of work.

YBG out -

[butterfield pancake]

1518939 I guess I should have mentioned its crossed with Final Fantasy V [Galuf is the playable character who's an old man] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTbTz9fJAfI

[Cheer]

1518956

OK you could throw something like

"FFV Crossing"

Into the description. But still look over the rest of what I said. Good luck.

YBG out -

[butterfield pancake]

1518978 I guess I should have so I edited the Descrition a bit

[Cheer]

1518990

Not just the description. The whole thing. You WILL get down votes for it's current condition. (I have held back my vote until it is edited) Regaurdless of the story. People are merciless. For your own sake you might wanna take some time out, go over my recommendations, maybe get an extra set of eyes to look it over and edit the heck outta it.

My biggest recommendation is to get more visual aids in. As it is the story is a bunch of boring talking. Even the fight scene got boring. We don't need to know he learned the spell from a monster.

Really it seems like you don't have much of a plan with this. It seems like you had an idea (the crossover) typed it out and that was as far as you planned ahead. This is the last bit I will be saying.

once again. Good Luck.

YBG Out -

[Gazmanafc]

I don't normally post suggestions when it comes to fics, I'd just read it and leave it at that, but when it comes to Final Fantasy, I'm kinda different, so I'll post some advice.

Like YourBronyGod said, you need to be more descriptive, to be honest, you shouldn't really expect everyone to know about the world of Final Fantasy V.

Describe the areas the characters are in, such as where was the Earth Crystal located when Exdeath was released from his seal? What did it look like? (Of course, I know it's the ancient floating ruins of Ronka since I've actually played the game). Where is the Castle of Bal, what does the surrounding area look like? Is it mountainous, is it in a desert? I dunno. (actually I do, but I'm sure you get the idea). Like Fluttershy said in your fic, what is a Moogle? You say they're forest dwelling, and only say "Kupo," which in Final Fantasy V context is true, but are they deep in the forest, on the outskirts of one? In the same vein, I'd actually suggest describing the landscape of Equestria too, particularly related to the seasons of the year.

Further, what clothes is Galuf wearing when he changes job classes? What is his monk outfit, what does a Black Mage look like? You talk briefly about Blue Magic, and indicates that he learned it when Aeroga was cast on him, but nothing beyond that. What enemy did he learn it from, and where did he learn it? (I believe that by the point in the game you're using, the only point he could learn it would be from the Enchanted Fan enemy in the Ronka Ruins)

Also, some other notes, Galuf's last name is actually "Baldesion" and both Lenna and Faris have proper full names, though not revealed in the game, if you're going to include Bartz's then you may as well include Lenna and Faris's of "Lenna Charlotte Tycoon" and "Faris Scherwiz."

And while Exdeath does possess great magical powers, he is by all means not a mage, rather he is a tree from the Great Forest of Moore when the Warlock-King Enuo and the Void was sealed away. The humans turned for an alternate method to purge their land of terror and corruption and sealed the malevolent souls in a tree which later became Exdeath.

I'll place this in my Read Later list for now, and take a look at it every now and then for updates and improvements.