An author who is apparently too hard on himself.
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When Twilight is attacked and nearly killed by a madpony claiming to be her brother, she, the Princesses, and the rest of the Elements of Harmony find themselves saddled with a shellshocked soldier who would like nothing less than to end her life. While they help him adjust to normal life, he makes his story known - and what he claims causes them no end of worry.
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Great start, I can't wait to see more!
You know its funny when people go back in time, they think that their only option is to kill a the one that started it all.
They don't think to, oh gee I don't know, reason or change some events to change the future.
In any case I'm interested, more please.
1261662
Thanks for the comment.
Broken actually knows of the Butterfly Effect; a discussion of how his simply coming back to the past throws his timeline out of probability is coming in around chapter five. At this point, though, he's rather fixated on doing the thing he KNOWS will stop his timeline from happening, rather than the many, many things that could alter it.
1262095 True, I guess watching your sister kill your wife will do that to you.
Which bings up another point, why send back the broken stallion to kill his own sister?
1262120
He wasn't 'sent back', per se. He's the leader of the rebels; he kinda-sorta volunteered in secret without telling anypony else of his plans (save for the mage that sent him back). He's also very, very paranoid: the only pony that he trusted to actually do the job was himself.
1262151 Oh wow he is broken beyond the point for super glue and duck tape then.
Yeash I am almost scared of the reason why Twilight did all this to begin with.
....ALMOST
Right, here comes Chapter 2, way ahead of schedule because I just got the third one done and I'm an egotistical bastard.
Also, when I post this, Prevention has 88 views, 8 comments, and 8 thumbs up. And somewhere between 16 and 24 favourites. Neat.
is it wrong that i LOLED at the last part?
Why is it that heros corrupted always make the best villians?
I digress though great story
1283436
Not at all. My brother was on the floor laughing when Broken said the eye thing.
1283842
I would assume that the fact that they were once 'the good guys' makes their villany, and their character in general, more interesting to the reader.People want to see why they fell, what they were like before, etc. Oh, and thanks!
Chapter 3 is go.
Two weeks on the dot from my last update. I was considering splitting the two scenes into different chapters, but decided I'd rather go for a longer, single one.
Sorry for the wait - school's been piling heavy writing assignments and exams on me lately. Seems to be calming down, so hopefully chapter 4 can come up rather quickly after this.
Coming up in Chapter 4: A flashback!
1262095
This is why time travel is confusing:
If Broken Shield kills Twilight, he stops his timeline from happening.
If he stops his timeline from happening, then Cadence never dies.
If Cadence never dies, he never goes back in time to kill Twilight. (as that was the whole reason)
If he never goes back in time to kill Twilight, Cadence dies.
If Cadence dies, he has to go back in time to kill Twilight.
(back to top and repeat)
The best way to handle it is to just ignore paradoxes like that, and say that if he kills Twi, he disappears but Twi stays dead (somehow).
1362887
A paraphrased quote from Ch. 1:
"It's a modifed time-copy alteration spell"
should aid with the last point. For the paradox loop, which is one of the time travel elements I've focussed most on in my research/readings, I have little hints set up through the narrative (more blatantly in the chapters coming up) that demonstrate just how the timeline system works here. After the story is finished, I'll go into it in greater detail, but I don't want to possibly spoil anything yet.
And a general question/apology:
I put Chapter 3 up about an hour ago, but despite trying to publish it it doesn't appear to have gone through here. Many apologies if that's the case, I'll try to fix it tomorrow.
I wouldn't be surprised if Broken Shield/Shining Armor actually caused Twilight to become Rising Dawn by going back in time and giving her the idea... but then where did that idea come from? Ugh, time travel is confusing...
Also: great story. When's Arny gonna show up?
1362995
Notaspoileralert: That's one of the ideas I considered, but it doesn't fit in with how the timeline system works. It's not a STL kind of scenario.
Also, thanks for reminding me. I'll dip a reference in later.
I like this!
However I have a question: Where's Pip at this point in time? Did he stay in Canterlot for healing or was he transferred to Ponyville General?
Or is he even still in a hospital at all?
1364418
Pip's in the Canterlot hospital, under guard. The doctors were concerned about his apathy about the eye, so they wanted to keep him for psychological evaluation.
Don't worry, though - he shows up again soon.
I really like the story
but in some parts i have problems to identify which one is talking
BTW the flashback is going to take just a chapter or several?
1368413
I can understand the identification problem; I try to keep it clear, but occasionally I just go with what I see happening and forget to identify who's who. I'll try to keep it clearer, but I'm hoping to eventually be able to write each pony in their own distinct voice (as is done on the show) so that one can identify them based on words alone. If you see a conversation that goes on for multiple lines, like this:
"X"
"Y"
"W"
"N"
Without any names or indicators of who's talking, and there's more than two ponies present, then you should probably just assume it was the last two ponies to talk. If a third says something, I'll try to identify who they are.
Sometimes, however, it doesn't matter who says it. 'Promise' contains a point where Broken's addressing Twilight, and this comes up:
"Hold on. I thought Twilight was Rising Dawn? In your timeline-dimension thingy?"
Since it's addressing Broken and talks about Twilight, it can't be either of them. I had meant for it to be Rainbow who says it, as that's how the scene played in my head. But for something like that, it doesn't really matter whether Rainbow or Pinkie said it, merely that it was said.
That's how my brain works it, anyways. I'll try not to do that in the future, except during the flashback chapter sections where they're speaking in the present between flashback parts. But that's a deliberate stylistic choice, and I hope the 'voices' will be enough.
For the second point, I'm keeping each flashback chapter to itself, with at least one present chapter between them. There may be more than one flashback per chapter, but all of the flashbacks of a single chapter should be based around one point. Chapter 4, for example, is going to have two flashback parts, both focused on the start of the Revolution. There should never be more than one flashback chapter in a row.
Oh, and thanks!
glad to know that
and the fact you r going to take this fic seriusly,i mean not to leave it
1371926
I try to avoid abandoning anything that I actually seriously write on. I have about twenty stories that are two or three page introductions to much larger tales that I've just never kept writing on, because I had the ideas for the beginnings and nothing after that. Prevention (and some others) have actually kept my interest long enough to form a solid ending and key points. They are the stories I take seriously; even if I'm not actively writing or updating them, I'm running through them and ironing out details for when I do start them up again.
But yeah, I'm not planning on abandoning this guy anytime soon.
Here comes Chapter Four. The first flashback, giving the very start of the reason Broken wants to literally rip Twilight's head off.
Had Thanksgiving weekend, and managed to finish this and get completely through Chapter Five as well. I'm rather proud of myself.
This chapter actually had the reverse problem of Ch. 3: I wanted it and Chapter Five to go together initially, but found that they worked better seperately. Nice how that works out, huh?
Anywhosle, hopefully this actually updates tonight instead of taking hours to go through like 3 did.
I wonder what could have caused Twilight to kill the two guards?
I hope we find out, but either way, I love this story!
I wonder how the rest of the elements play in to the revolution. Cant wait for ch. 5
1411139
*Glances at Spike's corpse* Yeah, wonder what could've made her do that.... thanks for the comment!
1411705
I'll be expanding on their roles a bit later on; Broken should be giving an idea of who did what in through chapters five, six, and seven, and the flashback that more openly states their roles should come in around eight or nine.
I wonder what's up with the riot, since there's apparently so little damage.
As for the bolts of magic... I dunno. Maybe the guards, maybe some posh royal.
Anyway, can't wait for the next chapter
1413071
Most of the rioters are from Ponyville, so they don't really want to damage their home turf too much; they focused on government things, like the flags or the Town Hall. Plus, they're ponies, and violence isn't exactly first nature to most of them.
On the magic, that's actually a plot point coming up soon. So I can't say much on it yet.
Thanks for the comment!
ohh Nice development! i see that spike died but at least he saved the cakes and Pinkie pie T_T and traumas begin
........
1415705
Trust me, it gets worse.
Thanks for the compliment!
Right, here's Chapter 5, in the morning because my internet was very angry last night. In this chapter, Broken answers the questions of his audience.
Got hit with a major writing assignment right out the gate here, so I might need another two weeks to get Ch. 6 ready. My deepest apologies.
Another apology for the snail's pace of the updates. At this rate it'll probably take until July to get the story done, which was not my plan, so hopefully I can start writing more than 500 words a night.
Coming up in Chapter 6: Action!
To be honest, I'm still thinking that Broken's actions will lead to Twilight/Dawn to try and take over Equestria. Seriously, what was up with his rant about Pip? Acting like Twilight already is a monster isn't helping his cause, I think.
Great chapter though, I like how more and more details about the future are being revealed.
This is a wonderful story!
But, I can't remember, who was Dazzle again?
Was it Broken Shield's foal?
Or have we not been told yet?
1479479
Broken is still very much in the mindset of Twilight=Dawn, even if he recognizes that she isn't. (yet.) His gut reaction to her is still hostility and despisal, but he's (trying) to control it for the Princesses. Right now, his plan is to relate as much of the bad things that Dawn did in order to turn Twilight into a pariah, which would severely hamper her ability to become as powerful as Dawn did. The Pip rant was part of this, trying to show the others that Twilight may already be in the mindset of Dawn, accepting that ponies and the Princesses are going to have to die in order for her to rise to power.
As for motivating her into becoming Dawn, that`s certainly not what he`s trying to do, but _SPOLIERS DETAILS REDACTED_
1479523 Like I said before, I think his actions will lead to her turning into Dawn. Trying to turn Twilight into a pariah isn't going to help if she's deadset on taking over Equestria. It might even make things worse, if she starts to feel betrayed by everypony...
There's always so many ways things can go wrong.
This is why I like time-travel stories
1479523 - It almost seems like a pre-ordained cycle. Turn Twilight into an outcast, shatter her friendships based on what might happen in the future, thus insuring that she follows the same path. A nihilistic Twilight is entirely believable if she had already lost all she cared about. It fits in with Broken's depiction of Rising Dawn.
Some confusion though with regards to who brought down Sugercube Corner and thus ended up killing Spike, Why? It seems like there's quite a bit more at play here than even Broken is aware of.
1479523>>1479535 Take away everything Twilight views as important; have her turn into an Equestria-destroying monster. I'd believe it.
1479535>>1479628
Blargle. This is why I wish I was a faster writer. Both of you are asking the right questions, ones that will be answered in later chapters, but I just don't have those bloody chapters written yet.
What I can say without spoiling everything:
Broken is not trying to stop Twilight from becoming Dawn. He views that change as rather unstoppable, for reasons that are spoilers. Twilight, early on into her Dawn-ness, still relied on her friends to a large extent. Preventing this initial power base will, in Broken's mind, lessen the impact that Dawn has when she arises. He doesn't care if he makes Dawn come out early, because his plan was to get her killed anyways, and the earlier she comes out (past the point of her friends abandoning her), the less damage she can cause due to having less of a plan/power base.
And Obsidian, you brilliant thing you, you are correct to assume that the Sugarcube Corner incident had more to it than Broken knows. He is but one pony, and wasn't there at the time, so his relation of the events is obviously not going to be the most precise. Beyond that, it's spoilers so
.
(If anybody thinks they know what's going on, PLEASE don't put it in the comments. PM me if you want, I'll answer to a more spoilery degree, but remember that almost anything I say is going into the story eventually.)
1479749 Hehe, sorry. It's just so much fun to speculate about what will happen next
1479759
No worries. Wasn't meant as a criticism, just a pleading warning. My brother is one of those people who reads the comments before a story, and half the surprises/twists have been ruined for him because of it. He doesn't really care, but I do. I really do.
But yeah, general ideas/speculation are fine, significant plot details (which, when they happen, should be fairly obvious) I'd rather not have revealed. As soon as I refer to it, though, go nuts.
I hope in this timeline at least that knowing of Rising Dawn's evilness may snap Twilight out of it before she goes and kills for her pleasure.
1488958
It's certainly a possibility that something like this might happen / be happening / has happened.
Amazing story
I acn't wait to see if twilight really dows turn into this tyrant
And Chapter Six is go!
Lots of stuff happening here. I actually pared down Broken's speech at the last minute because I felt it revealed too much. The revelations shall come, but not yet.
Also thanks to my editor-brother for coming up with the 'subplot' to describe the... other areas of a female pony's backside. (At least, we both think he came up with it, apologies if someone else did.)
Thirdly, I got featured for somewhere between 20 minutes to an hour last update. Neat.
Chapter Seven brings interactions with Ponyville, and will hopefully come faster than this bastard did.
Interesting... delete this comment if it's too spoilery for your tastes but I think that Broken has travelled to a different universe instead of through time. Why else would Starswirl's research be so different?
Also, great chapter and can't wait for the next one
1561634
*Glances at Alternate Universe tag* Nah, that ain't too spoilery. Broken's little speech before his head-dunk mentioned that he traveled between his branch of time and this branch of time - both going backwards in time (due to this branch being less 'grown out' than his) and to a seperate, but linked, universe.
Yea, the branch he came from, diverged so far back that it was around, or possibly even before the era of Starswirl the Bearded.
I think Broken just realized that he's in such an alternate universe that his plan of forcing Twilight to change, then killing her is actually as abhorrent as you'd expect it to be. Twilight in this universe has almost none of the traits that Rising Dawn expressed and would most likely never have converted. He's been treating his sister from a potentially idyllic alternate universe like the next mass murder.
In addition, there may well be some sort of temporal damage/bleed effects going on, as Twilight seems to have been injured by Broken, but the event may have never actually happened. All of this still makes me question Celestia's sanity though... sending Broken to Ponyville?!? Into the care of the one he wants to kill? Insanity.
Well, if Broken jumped to an alternative time-line instead of doing actual time-travel he isn't trying to fix anything, because not being his universe any changes would not carry themselves to his world. He failed to kill his "Dictator" either because she was too well protected, or because she was already dead, or maybe even because just killing her once wasn't enough, after being denied the genuine article he decided to settle for the next best thing, an alternate Twilight is still Twilight.
The fact is that he knew he was in a different universe, where one or more events happened differently, he went crazy (or crazier) for a moment because his resolve to kill Twilight wavered when he saw hope that this Twilight might never become a monster, the problem is that likely, at this point, revenge is the only thing keeping him going, admitting even for a moment that this Twilight might never be Rising Dawn would probably break him, not only because it would deny him revenge, and that would probably be enough alone, but also because he tried to kill his innocent sister.
Broken can never go back to be a normal sane pony, the only thing keeping him somewhat sane and centered is revenge, insisting Twilight isn't Rising Dawn yet is the only thing keeping him sane, if somepony actually manages to prove that Twilight is never going bad he will no heal, he will break, so for him Twilight is a time bomb, because for him there is no alternative, even if at this point he is at some level mostly sure there will be no Rising Dawn if only because his intervention.
1561864
You are very close. He is horrified at the degree of difference between his universe and this universe, but not quite because he thinks that this Twilight won't turn into Rising Dawn. It's something much worse, that shall be revealed in coming chapters.
The chin bleed explanation is something that's probably going to come up later.
As for Celestia, its less that she's mad and more that she's optimistic. She genuinely thinks that Broken can come at least partway back from the brink he's on/over, and she's kind of a Utilitarian: She views his madness as making him unhappy, in the most general terms possible, and wants to try to make him happier. Plus, he swore not to harm Twilight, and oaths to the Princesses are not things that guardsponies take lightly.
Thanks for the comment.
1561922
That's... surprisingly close. He always knew that he was going to a different universe, where things would certainly be different, and he never expected that doing so would fix his; he made the jump because he wanted to stop another Dawn from rising. The thing is that, due to knowledge that I can't reveal yet, he is 100% absolutely positively certain that this Twilight will become Dawn. There's no doubt in his addled brain that she's going to turn, he just doesn't know what his arrival has done to her trigger time. As such, he's working as fast as he can to make Dawn's rise as weak as possible, so that the Revolution might fail.