Foals Errand
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wow, really nice start to a story.
Continue on, please
3854958 Eeyup.
Though I think the part with CMC following Twi was a little too fast-paced. Don't get me wrong, it was dynamic and all and I like that, but the environment wasn't properly described.
3855601
I am so sorry I really wasn't thinking! Thank you for pointing that out! I'll work to be more descriptive in the next chapter!
This is actually a really cool beggining. The pacing's a bit quick, but other than that, it's good! Keep up the good work!
Uhm... so Twilight just saunters to Chrysalis like a complete moron and predictably gets tossed into a pod and transformed.
And she uses a scrying spell which conveniently Chrysalis knows all about and can trace backwards...
Ugh.
3855703
Not exactly... She went to Chrysalis to make the pain and buzzing stop. She has been being tortured by both for 3 weeks. She wasn't exactly thinking when she went to her. As for the scrying spell Twilight was just being a impatient idiot. Which sadly is something she does
3855769
3855703
So the events were wedding, then buzz, then scry
Or wedding then scry then buzz
That whole black magic section of the library threw me off so I am a bit confused as to wether twi went into that section willingly or was under coercion of the buzz
Also I really like this story so far
3855922 wedding, scry, buzzing she wanted to make sure Chrysalis never came near Shining Armor or Cadance again.She just didn't do so smartly.
3855929
Ah I thought that chrysalis implanted a post hypnotic suggestion after the wedding in case she failed which drove twi to scry her and then put the buzz on her. Cause i like twi and I just never think off the top of my head about twi doing something rash
3855994
Thank you!
*blinkblink* that's brilliant I never thought out why Twi would of done something so stupid!
Interesting Story and one i'll be following ( as i can't help but enjoy a good Changeling Twilight Story
)
Though i can't help but feel this would have been so much better paced if this was after a prologue explaining what twilight did to lead to these events... as they are a little confusion towards the end. ( as it stands it feels more like we're Seeing the Cause but not the Effect if that makes any sense.)
Overall, its well written and has an insane amount of potential to be a great changeling twilight story.. it just feels like you skipped over the setup to get to the action..
3856066
I agree, I think I will write a short what happened to get here before I post chap 2, i think it will help!
i like the idea
changeling twilight is best twilight
but like the other people said
you should work on your pacing a bit
good job though
3856005
I have only gotten a message like this 1 time before and I can only say thank you.
I am deeply honored that you like my idea feel free to take it and use it to the best extent of your abilities.
Good luck
And in the words of the x-com council
"We will be watching"
3856120
I'd give her tips, but whose to say my advice is any good, eh?
An editor. Find one.
It's not like we're short on them around here.
I wish you the best for this story.
Can you spell out the word One, please? When there's only a 1 to click... it's not exactly a lot to click. X3
Hmm... Well, this is an interesting and unique take on it for sure... Yeah, I'll fave this to see where it goes.
How serious are you about the tragedy tag? Call me a sap, but I don't like getting invested in stories where the characters end up worse than they started.
3855614 Hey man, you want a pre-reader?
This story has the potential to be awesome, but little, nitpicky things here and there are holding it back.
Kinda like my stories.
I wonder if Chrysalis realizes that her plan to conquer Equestria would have never worked. I would think it would be pretty hard to garner love from the populace of the nation whom you just took over. It's kind of like that one vampire movie, Daybreakers. It all starts out great in the beginning but further down the line you start to run out of food. You don't completely dominate your one and only food source otherwise you'll just run it into the ground. When you have only one food source you have to make sure there is more supply than demand. Then there would be the problem of Celestia and Luna being dethroned. Sure Chrysalis would have the power to move the sun and the moon in the beginning but just how much power would she constantly need to shift a star and a huge rock? Most of the love garnered would go straight to her to maintain the cycle so there wouldn't be a permanent day or night, which leads back to the problem of the Changelings starving to death.
The story feels awkward and it brings nothing new to the table so far.
3857505 The early chapters are bad but don't worry!
1 word more
Sigh. Yea, right. Twilight go unguarded without any assistance right into enemy territory where Chrysalis who is far more powerful then her, and entire army of changeling's at her command are waiting for her. Maybe she will be captured and held as hostage. Turn into changeling's and used to spy on her friends or mentor, or mercilessly tortured and killed in the name of revenge. There are so many scenarios, but none of them is about Twilight returning home and telling Celestia or her brother (who is with Cadence on a trip) about location of changeling's hive.
What's more. Without magic buff what Chrysalis received during the wedding, she is still weaker then Celestia. And unlike Twilight who have only 5 friends to support her, Celestia have entire army at her command. So I do not buy it why Celestia never used crying spell to find changeling hive and strike against it. So what if Chrysalis could detect that she is being searched for, she cannot relocate entire hive in hours (moving entire army from one point to another would take day, more or less homes and young ones, Celestia could just prepare army, use searching spell, and attack before changeling's would have time to prepare).
Now, I understand that Chrysalis messed with Twilight's head to get her come into her hive, but Twilight seems far to aware of herself. It is almost like she came on her own free will with hope that army of her enemies will not tear her apart.
I think that pacing was a bit to quick and reason why Twilight got so easy captured was not the best one. But I will see how it goes with next chapters.
If you enjoyed this story, check out Solitary Locust by the parasprite.
3858451
Aside from the fact that the 'sprite updates that fic a little slowly, I agree. I don't really see why you said this though, the only similarity is Twilight's transformation, and that hasn't even finished yet.
3857930 On the other hand, there would still be love between the Equestrians and about the sun and moon, the unicorns could just do that.
3858164
Another word, another chapter please~
(You were referencing "One Day More," right?)
Hi Author, and fellow readers!
Anyone has read Mirror's Image? If yes, then is this fiction going on a similar direction, or taking a different one?
(For my shame, I haven't read the first chapter of this story, but if someone can clarify, that I'll read something completely different, then I'm more than willing to. I love changeling stories
)
Don't worry, Twilight! The CMC are coming to save you!!!
... I'll call an ambulance, just in case
Ahem, so far this story seems very interesting. Though I do think it's odd that Twilight turned to scrying magic, instead of asking the princess for help. Anyhow, seems like she's in a lot of trouble now and I can't wait to read what happens next
3858776 Would you still love someone if there was a high chance that they were an emotional parasite? Slowly draining you of all your love till nothing but a husk is left? And when was the last time the unicorns moved the sun and the moon? A thousand years give or take? They would need an entire contingent of unicorns to move it, even then it might not be possible. Besides, they may not even do it just to spite the Changelings.
3858407 This is a typical fanfiction scenario of idiot-balling the protagonist horribly just to set up the plot in a very convenient manner, despite there existing plentiful and obvious alternatives.
It's exceedingly lazy writing.
3856564 DUDE what is that Avatar
3858499 Because if you want to read about "Twilight as a changeling", that is a much better option.
3859455
i have yet to see you correctly identify anything as intelligent
your hilarious bashing of shitfics like the return of princess nightmare moon seems to be based more on your tendency to hate literally everything you read and be extremely vocal about the fact
like if you shoot a million people one or two of them will probably be serial killers
don't get spergy about that statistic it's just a generalization
3856564
I love your lips, but who's to say, what's to say, what's for me to do
3858499
well excuuuuuuuuse me, princess
3859673
i disagree. i think solitary locust is choppy and inconsistent. the chapters are too long and it takes months to update, and also the author should be evaluated by a licensed psychiatrist. plus, it's taken 8 chapters for almost nothing to happen. 0/10, would not read again.
3858073
get an editor, it will help you improve your later chapters
or better yet, get multiple editors
i will edit for you if you want
because i like changeling stories a lot
especially this one
Dude, you should credit the original author of the picture.
3860310
th05.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2013/185/5/5/twilight__changeling__by_zacatron94-d6c13mq.png
wtf i didn't even know this existed why does nobody tell me these things waah
3860338 Uh? Are thee interested in the original or something?
3860561
the correct old english would be art thou
also what are you talking about
magnetinspirado.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/beaker-oh-shit.jpeg
You need to to work on writing in a southern accent.