It's Nightmare Night once again, and the mane six are preparing to celebrate it with their new monster hunting friends. But when something dark from Celestia's past comes back to haunt her, all of their lives will be put into very real danger.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well, I like where this is going... and, if I may add, your giving me a few ideas for my current fic, AWESOME WORK!!!!
10732886
Thanks. Glad to hear you're enjoying it, and I'm always happy to provide some inspiration
I don't really know how to start, so I'll just be blunt.
This chapter is bad.
Ugh, even writing that sucked. Now let me tell you why both this chapter and the last one are both bad. Yes, I know that said that the last chapter wasn't bad or boring, so allow me to apologize and say that I was very wrong. These two chapters are both equally bad, but not because of their grammar, spelling or wordplay. They aren't bad because of what they do have, but because of what they lack or fail to achieve. They both greatly miss a vital part of storytelling that every single chapter absolutely, one hundred percent needs.
CONFLICT.
Conflict is the driving force of every single story. Without conflict your story will absolutely crash and burn. Even going a single chapter without it is a bad idea because a story without conflict is BORING! No one wants to read a boring story, and writing a boring chapter is like falling asleep at the wheel or in the middle of operating heavy machinery, bad for your story (and your health). This means that every single chapter you write has to contain conflict. Let me repeat that.
EVERY. SINGLE. CHAPTER.
You may think that you should go easy on your characters, give them a breather or even let up a little. You can't. Doing these kinds of things doesn't make compelling heroes, it makes Mary Sues (or Gary Stu's). This is why chapters one and three were so good, you didn't let up on your characters for a single moment.
To help you understand this, let me simplify and compare chapter one with chapters four and five.
Chapter 1
Here you can see a series of conflicts that follow one another leading to a resolution, while also providing an overarching conflict with the main story.
Chapter 4
One momentary conflict does not a chapter make. The only important things that happen in this chapter is Spike's confrontation with Tom and the group traveling to Canterlot. The only conflict comes from a single, momentary debate between Spike and Tom that lasts all of ten seconds.
Even chapter 5 doesn't hold up all that well when examined closely.
Chapter 5
While this chapter does have moments of conflict, that is all that they are, momentary spots of conflict that mostly serve to show off more of the villain's powers. The reader already know that the villain is powerful, that he's terrifying and evil and that he's going to end up fighting the hero in some way. We've already learned that. What the reader wants to know is how this villain is going to conflict with the hero. Is the villain going to try and take over Equestria? Turn everyone into vampires? Is he going to try and kill Celestia? Luna? Tom? He doesn't say, so how is the reader supposed to know?
Also, this particular sentence is a hot mess.
But other than that your grammar, spelling and sentence structure are top notch.
Now that we've gotten through what I didn't like about this chapter, I'll start going on about what I did like.
Firstly, your evocative (and somewhat graphic) descriptions continue to impress, as I was never confused about what was happening at any point within this scene. You effectively displayed both the powers the Alicorn possessed as well as the feelings Scholarly Scribble felt.
You efficiently portrayed the Alicorn as someone who is smug, charming, slightly egotistical and highly intelligent. He easily takes command of the situation, learning all he can before moving on to what he needs to do next. He shows a clear lack of sympathy both towards Scholarly and her friends, despite apologizing.
Scholarly Scribble's fear and despair are realistic, as is her aversion towards drinking the blood of a fellow pony, regardless of her hunger.
That's all I really have to say about this chapter, sorry if it was a bit much. While I can't help but feel bad about tearing this chapter and the previous one apart, I also don't want you to continue making mistakes like these, as they can really ruin a story. Hopefully you take something away from what I've written here.
See you in chapter six.
11186745
I can definitely see your point. I think I still struggle with putting plots together, so there are probably a few chapters like this yet to come. If it makes you feel any better, I think I have far fewer non-impactful chapters in this story than my first or even second one.
Thanks for being honest. I'll try to keep this in mind for the future. Hope this didn't leave a bad taste in your mouth.
As always, I look forward to seeing you next chapter.