It's Nightmare Night once again, and the mane six are preparing to celebrate it with their new monster hunting friends. But when something dark from Celestia's past comes back to haunt her, all of their lives will be put into very real danger.
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Hello again!
This is the fourth chapter in a row consisting mainly of combat or fighting, and while it has the most interesting fight so far (Celestia vs. Dusk), I have to admit it is getting repetitive. There are more ways to incite conflict than just having characters try and throw down with each other. In fact so far the best bit of conflict is chapter three, where the adventurers try and flee the castle. There aren't any big fight scenes, but it had me hanging on every word, wondering what was going to happen next. In this chapter I could already see what was coming, nothing surprised me or had me wondering. In all honesty I though this chapter would start with the castle already under attack, or getting overwhelmed with panicking ponies looking for safety.
Something else I'm noticing is that almost every paragraph in this chapter contains at least one sentence that can be shortened without much issue. Honestly speaking there are probably about two hundred words that could be removed or replaced altogether. The problem is that you use adjectives for nearly everything, including actions. While these can help describe what's going on or give indication on to a characters emotions, there are times when it is unnecessary. This is similar to what I said last chapter, about letting the reader use their own imagination to fill in the blanks. Other times something that is already implied is repeated bluntly. To create an example.
He chewed the food in his mouth.
If this sentence has you cringing then congratulations, you know something is wrong. Obviously if the person is chewing than it is already implied that the food is in his mouth, unless there is some special case where he can chew food from some other body part (like the hands). This may be a small and silly example but it highlights the issue that there are extraneous words that can and should be removed.
He chewed the food.
Short, simple, to the point. If you want to add in some adjective than make sure it tells the audience something about the character.
He chewed the food with gusto, grinning all the while.
Adjectives don't just describe actions, but the people who take those actions.
All that being said, there were some good character moments in this chapter. Spike and Twilight, Celestia and Luna, Cadence and Shining Armor, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. They were all small, but that's what made them stand out. It's not the grand gestures but the little moments of comfort and appreciation.
That's all for now, see you in the next chapter!
P.S. My prediction for next chapter is that the monster hunters will clear out the rest of the vampires and Tom's secret will be revealed.
11572215
As always, glad to see you again!
As per usual, fair points all around. I could definitely see how some of my fights can drag on, especially with my bad habit of over describing things. This story, being part of my Angel of Justice series, was at least partially inspired by some of the adventure fics I had enjoyed in the past, and as such, focuses a bit more on combat and fighting than outright tension and horror. Rest assured, however, that there are still a fair few chapters that don't rely on fighting for the conflict. I couldn't really call it a horror story if there weren't some juicy bits in there somewhere, right?
Seeing how well you liked chapter 3, I'm interested to see what I could do with a horror story that focuses on the horror aspect rather than the action. I've already sort of dabbled in existential horror in my latest story, so maybe I could come up with something worthwhile? Ah, well, maybe someday.
In the meantime, I'm looking forward to you getting into the meat of this story. Since I know you're willing to look past its shortcomings (you've gotten this far, so that must mean something) I can't wait to see what you think of the more interesting moments. Of course, by all means, take as long as you like. Even if it takes all year, I'll await your comments with bated breath while I work on other stuff in the meantime.
See you next chapter indeed!