It's Nightmare Night once again, and the mane six are preparing to celebrate it with their new monster hunting friends. But when something dark from Celestia's past comes back to haunt her, all of their lives will be put into very real danger.
Page generated in 0.03 seconds
Total duration
783 users online
571,033 hits today, 2,159,462 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Firsts off, I'd like to say kudos for managing to juggle sixteen separate characters in one singular chapter. It's not exactly easy to keep everyone relevant when following a single line of dialogue. My advice for this is to split them into smaller groups that talk amongst themselves so everyone appears 'busy', allowing you to focus on certain characters without feeling like you've left someone out.
I also appreciate the effort you placed into establishing relationships between everyone, like how Tom knows Twilight well enough to not want to freak her out. Or how Rarity sympathizes with Sunspot. They're little details that can be easy to overlook, yet add to the realism of the world.
That being said, while this chapter does a great job of introducing the main six and other characters, it does little to nothing for the plot of the story. All that really happens is that the cast moves from Ponyville to Canterlot. You could have probably started the story with the group arriving at Canterlot and been completely fine.
I'm not saying this chapter is bad, nor am I saying that it's boring. It is simply not important to the plot as a whole. It's also relatively easy to fix, as all you really need to do is make the chapter slightly longer in order to throw in a bit of tension. Maybe you can have Tom hang back and talk with the princesses about the problems he's having with his abilities. There is also the fact that you haven't really described why the group is going to Canterlot in the first place, only that it has something to do with Nightmare Night. Are they there to help set up the party? Attend it? It's never explained. These issues can make it easy for the reader to gloss over the chapter, which isn't a good thing.
As for the canon characters, you did a good job of keeping them in character. Twilight being excited and perfectionistic. Spike being aware and witty. Rarity acting as a big sister to the CMC. Even Rainbow Dash being somewhat cocky while also reassuring to Blue Bolt. Unfortunately Applejack had only two lines, and while they were in character for her, it also felt like she could have contributed more, especially with the CMC. Fluttershy got it worse with only one singular line, but at least it's expected what with her personality and so many other characters and all. Personally the only thing out of character about her is that she's showing no signs of being afraid of not being home on nightmare night.
There really isn't anything much to say for the grammar and spelling as I couldn't find any errors. I did notice however, that you sometimes have a period at the end of a line of dialogue instead of a comma, and vice versa. I also want to take this chance to admit how impressed I am by your vocabulary. You wielded it to great affect, especially in describing Canterlot and the royal castle.
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you in chapter 5!