It's Nightmare Night once again, and the mane six are preparing to celebrate it with their new monster hunting friends. But when something dark from Celestia's past comes back to haunt her, all of their lives will be put into very real danger.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I haven't read any of the previous stories, nor have I read anything past this first chapter. That being said, let me start by saying that this is a really good first chapter.
You set the scene with well worded and vivid imagery that isn't as common as some would imagine. You introduced and described the characters to us in an organic way while also combining the uses of show and tell, such as Tom's powers and knowledge. I also liked how you told us what they did before showing us what they did instead of jumping in the deep end first.
I especially enjoyed learning about the characters personalities and relationships with each other. Glimmer Shine with his cool and level head makes him a very good leader. Sparkplug's willingness to do what she can despite her hesitance and nervousness establishes her as the rookie who earned her place. Sunspots attempts to remain lackadaisical despite how stressful the job is can be seen as relatable to some. Glitterball's professionalism and no-nonsense attitude are outdone only by her encouraging nature and kind heart, making her the support for the team. Tom is shown to be a type of mentor to the rest of the group who also makes sure to place their safety over his own, all while worrying about his ability to do what needs to be done.
All this establishes a strong sense of comradery among the main cast that I hope continues for most (if not all) of the story.
The plot of the story is very much established, if not clearly defined. We know who the characters are, what they do and their level of experience in facing these conflicts. We know that Tom has abilities and powers that aren't currently working properly, nor do we know why they aren't working properly. I guess we'll have to keep reading to find out!
The grammar was top notch, I didn't notice any spelling errors, and your sentence structure was really good. I should point out though that the physical description of Sunspot did feel really off (but that may just be me).
I wasn't confused by any of the shifts from person to person (that can really trip people up) and the pacing was very on point. It never felt rushed or too slow, staying on one subject for exactly as long as it needed to before moving on.
That being said I have to admit that there were parts of the fight that had too much detail which slowed down the pacing of the scene. While the extra details can help make what's going on all the more clearer, it can also make the fight appear to take longer than it actually did. By making it feel rushed the reader can get a sense of tension and panic that some of the characters may be experiencing, which is usually more important than where someone punched someone else or how they performed a certain move (just remember that there are exceptions to this as well).
Fortunately that was my only grievance with this chapter. Overall I greatly enjoyed it. I didn't feel lost at any point and I find myself wanting to read on to find out what happens next. So good job!
See you in chapter 2!
P.S. If you have any qualms about what I wrote here don't be afraid to call me out on it. I'm willing to listen.
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Many thanks for the kind words and helpful observations (even if I feel like I'm a bit too green around the writing gills to be deserving of such praise )
And, no worries. The feedback on my failings is appreciated as much as my victories. I will try to take them into consideration in the future, though this story is already penned out, so I apologize if you end up finding a particular problem that doesn't get fixed. Typos and the like I can easily correct, but plot issues and scenes themselves are much harder after the fact.
I hope the rest of the story will keep you as engaged as this entry chapter, though I must admit that my quality can fluctuate somewhat from chapter to chapter. Some chapters are more well thought out than others, and some sections aren't executed as well as I would have liked (such as some of the action scenes, as you have pointed out.) I'm still improving as I go, so hopefully there isn't anything too horrendously bad.
Still, I hope you enjoy it, and I look forward to seeing your reactions and feedback for the future chapters!