Draconis Magister
Joined 17th Feb, 2020 ·
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I think you got a few grammar errors in there but otherwise good story so far
10095165
I'm sure there will be errors. I correct them when I can, but my priority tends to be fixing the run on sentences I tend to make.
Will go back now and then to see if can spot new errors to fix, but only have one set of eyes. It will take time.
Thank you for liking the story so far.
10095183
Want me to put the ones I find in comment?
10095216
Would be appreciated.
First dreamworld paragraph
It looks like the entire village
The second thing he noticed was (take out is)
Seems like that first sentence ended a bit prematurely
Put a hyphen after did and before poof as its still one sentence but split between two characters
Honestly not sure about this one but I think that should be a comma and not period before the dialogue
Ok this one I know is a comma before the dialogue
Change the first period to a comma then take out the comma in the second sentence
First period needs to be a comma. And it’s Applejack. One word like the drink
Should be or
10095334
Think I got all the ones you pointed out. Tried fixing the line with Rainbow Dash stretching her arm, as it felt weird to me too. Just didn't know how to fix it, and planned on going back to it. I'll double check the fixes in a bit, as sorta have a few things need to do.
10095371
Just don’t work yourself too hard
And you could probably turn it into a single sentence and leave it by itself or possibly add it to the previous paragraph
Also if u need a cover image let me know I think I got one that would work considering the whole multi-world/reality thing
10095400
I try not to work too hard. But have been home sick for most of the week, and going a little stir-crazy. Writing has been helping with that, as well as RPG games.
Cover art would be appreciated. Have not found something I liked or had permission for, and am not good at art. Heck, even my avatar was a Christmas gift from a friend.
10095479
I sent u a pm with the cover art
10096312
Just got around to checking my PMs.
Finally recovered, and back at work. Chapters will slow down a little, but will try to get a steady schedule for them.
I would like to ask for name suggestions for the four different guard captains, as well as genders for them. Perhaps even a bit of background blurb for them.
Unicorn, Pegasus, earth pony and lunar pony (thestral for some).
This is a interesting and awesome start
This was a funny and chill first meeting with the main six.
10099168
Thanks. Just happened to have the Tantabus episode playing in the background when found my old game notes.
It gave me the idea for the story and just went with it, to see where it leads.
10099191
Was trying for something different, compared to other stories I have read here. Tried to keep the general friendly tone of the show, and how welcoming they are. At least for the start of the story. Personalities are likely to change a little as the story goes on, due to events and character growth.
That is, if I can do my ideas justice.
This was a awesome lore chapter.
10099363
Thanks, I tried to keep the exposition entertaining and not drop too much at once.
There will be more in later chapters, spread out here and there. Also some game mechanics explanation from the rpg game system that Aidan comes from in author notes. Cause I think it helps explain how his magic works.
This was a fun and chill chapter .
10099386
I had fun writing that one. Just tried to think, what would Pinkie Pie do? Then toned it down a couple of notches.
Spacing out chill chapters and exciting ones.
This is getting more and more interesting.
10099407
I think you'll like the next two chapters.
This was a adorably awesome and chill chapter.
Now that is a familiar good job Cale. I few l sorry for the dead night guard.
This was a epic training chapter.
10099539
Familiars in the Anima system are quite powerful. They are summoned beasts that level with their masters.
Considering Cale was Aidan's first summon and was with him since level 1, is quite more powerful than a standard of his kind of owl.
This was a sweet and awesome lore felt chapter.
So far so good, let me give you some advice. Remember this is just my opinion.
Your fic is great in exposition and dialogue but there is too much inaction. We are in chapter 4 but so far we haven’t seen enough conflict or drama to get the blood pumping. There is not enough hooks. Maybe state his powers to let us know more about him, or write about a difference in ideals between him and the princesses to give some adversity. Or give him different opinions or life style that would collide with the ponies way of living and acting. I won’t called you fic boring but it’s too tame. Try to spice it up a bit.
10109290
I thank you for the advice. The conflict will come, I am just not that experienced in moving a story along yet and seem to take my time with it a bit too much. Should be something that improves with experience.
nice chapter but we need to step up on the action, drama or at least romance. So far the best way to describe the fic is either slice of life or chilled. This is not bad but it’s not good either. Still the whole thing about the goddes of death being sealed inside him is gold material to work with.
10109599
Again, thanks for the critique. I'm hoping my next few chapters will start to be more exciting for you. Trying to alter my writing style a little, but that won't be readily noticed right away. Don't want the change to be jarring.
Working on chapter 10 right now.
Older chapters will go through some editing after getting more used to story writing.
This was a cute a the start awesome from there. Awe they in trouble, I wonder what the doctors found,and I hope in any herd he makes
oh dear
This was awesomely chill chapter .I hope not just Celestia but Luna and the main six fall for him.
This was a awesomely chill and funny chapter I fill like I can really relax and
get into the story.
This was a epic chapter I can't wait to see what this new power is I hope all the main six and both the princesses have it.
10119715
10125252
Glad you both liked it. Been a little busy the past while, so haven't had a chance to reply to things. The new chapter should keep the action going.
Hope you enjoy it.
And as for you Master King, you'll just have to wait and see who else gains what kind of power.
This was a epic end to this chapter. I hope the other girls get powers to.
10133275
Thanks, have been waiting for a good opportunity to have Aidan use an invocation. Most of them are quite combat oriented, and he hasn't made many pacts with the non combat oriented ones. The campaign he was in, did end up leading to revolution against hidden powers and so had much conflict.
I'm happy he's ok ,looks like he not the only one with the chance of finding love.
10134769
Will just have to wait and see.
10134883
Yup, is one of the higher end Essence spells. It has it's advantages and disadvantages, what the disadvantages are will be learned in story.
Advantages are what one would expect of a spirit form. Immune to mundane attacks, can phase through walls (Clothes would not go with), no longer needs to eat, drink, sleep or breathe.
But despite being a greater spirit, he still considers himself Human first and foremost.
10136668
When one needs to avoid something, it never hurts to do so in a way Discord would approve of.
This was a awesome chapter I'm so happy Rainbow can good t her wing back. I hope she'll wait a week but know her she won't. Looks all the main six and Celestia's love and list for him grow I hope Luna's has grown with there's .
10136826
Yeah, is quite in character for her to not wait.
Just like it's in character for the girls to compliment someone on an appearance change. If there is feelings of a different nature there, we will have to see how it develops. Not going to say no, and not going to say yes. Cause it's more fun that way.
Still around, just having some writer's block. I'm hoping to get back to writing some point soon.
Worse time to have writer's block, when you have nearly all the time in the world for writing.
Anyways, stay safe everyone and thanks for the likes and follows.
10099373
This is a decent amount of information, for me at least, it's not too much nor too little. It also grows several questions about how magic works.
This is a very interesting story. I can't wait for the next update. The story concept is one that I'd never seen before and with how much I read that's saying something. I really enjoy this story and am looking forward to seeing what happens next.
Wonder what might be in store for Spike in this fic?
About the moon mentioned in the description, I wonder what effect would it have on Luna specifically? Due to her being the princess of the night and moon there. And her being associated with darkness there.
I wonder, can Spike see the black moon too?