• Member Since 24th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 4th, 2013

Pokey the Unicorn


I'll fill this out later. Hi though!

T
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Returning from their honeymoon, Shining Armor and Cadence have organized a get-together in Canterlot for their friends and loved ones. Twilight and the other elements are all invited, and the invitations mention that Princess Cadence has a special announcement!

If only they had known that this announcement would turn their world upside down.

Chapters (12)
Comments ( 292 )

Where's the "Romance" tag?
There is clear TwiDash, RariJack, and Pinkie Shy.

There is more to this. There always is. Or maybe I'm extremely paranoid.

1149155 Yeah. Rarity and AJ are hitting it off, Dashie is comforting Twi, and Pinkie is being quiet talking to Fluttershy. Something's definitely amiss. And there is still the romance between shining and cadance, remember?

I did not see that twist coming at all.

The power of MOAR compels you!

Expected a light-hearted slice of life fic.
Got something completely different.

This is why I don't read the description of a fic. Surprises like this make it worth the while. I'll track this, see where it goes before I decide if it is worthy of a green thumb...

Wow, I'm getting way more comments and faves and stuff on this than I thought I would! Thanks guys! I'm still not exactly sure where I'm going to go with this fic. I had planned to make it just three chapters, but if y'all like it I could definitely turn it into a series. What do you think?

I'm getting inspiration... One of the changelings... Luna... Knife... Green light... Help me out here, guys, it's hard to think on this stuff. :twilightblush:

I like this, I like this a lot.

You write clearly, you capture each character's personality very well, and the story is interesting. I'd like to see more :pinkiehappy:

1149981
Thanks! Characterization is one of the most important things I focus on when writing, especially the speaking parts.

I write clearly? What do you mean?

1150084

As in, I don't have to try to figure out what was said, like some other stories i've looked over. :rainbowlaugh:

A Changelings-are-not-evil story? I am intrigued.

Not sure if want.

I will be interested to see how you justify the "controlling me" part - Cadence really doesn't seem like the kind of pony to use sarcasm, period, much less say something so sharp or cruel. Also, the changeling attack on Canterlot seemed pretty violent, and unless they feed through green splotchy ectoplasmlazers it sure didn't look like a food fight. Thirdly, Chrysalis seems to be pretty darn happy about her villany, even when she couldn't reasonably have been faking. Not that these are insurmountable issues - heck, if you wanted to, you could just retcon some stuff - but right now I think there's something sinister in the works.

On other point: imprisoning the controllers of the sun and moon is not likely to end well. Interacting with the Element of Batman's Paranoid Magical Utility Horn while pulling off a deception is also a bad idea.

It would be much easier for me to believe the Changelings if they were a splinter group, or otherwise distanced from the only voiced Changeling we know of, who happens to be bent on world domination seemingly for the fun of it. Even having the excuse of being led by a desperate but now deposed tyrant or general.

I want to believe... but there are cannon pointed in my direction. <--pun

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"I will be interested to see how you justify the "controlling me" part - Cadence really doesn't seem like the kind of pony to use sarcasm, period, much less say something so sharp or cruel."

I wasn't sure whether I wanted to leave that part in. I chalk it up to Cadence being under a lot of stress and stuck in a fragile situation. Maybe she didn't know how to prove that it was really her, maybe she just lashed out, who knows? We all do out-of-character things when put in the right situation.

I think there's more to Cadence than simply being a pure kindhearted love goddess. I don't think she has a nasty streak, but she could be beleaguered.

I think there is something more happening. Or I'm paranoid. But I never am paranoid, so...

i love this i truly do believe that clestia would be xenophobic keep up the amazing work

Celestia is a bitch

Third chapter is up! This story is on the popular stories list! YAY!:twilightsmile:

I decided to split this chapter in half. I'm working on the next right now, and it'll probably be up sometime tomorrow.

I love it when a little idea takes off and turns into something awesome. Please give a thumbs up if you like this!

Cadance had this coming to her. I just can't believe that she would think that would work. Drugging ponies and stuffing them in cocoons isn't the best way to state your case after all.

And Chrysalis just makes matters worse :facehoof: she's vastly outnumbered after all and what forces she has are malnourished so they wouldn't last in a fight. And requesting an audience after what they just did?

Anyway, I'm interested to see how this will develop because right now Cadance and Chrysalis are just making matters worse for themselves. Upvoted, favorited, the whole shebang.

Woah, harsh. You're doing a good job of making me dislike Celestia (or at least this one.)

keep up the great story :yay:

I'm on Luna's side. Even if they do have to be... Killed... The decision should not be rushed and Celestia should think it over properly.

Is Luna up to something? Or am I being too suspicious?

All I wanna know is what the mane six think of all this. :trixieshiftright:

Celestia is completely in character which to me means she would, as I see it, over react. Keep up the good work.

PPS

Everyone is remarkably quick to side with the Changelings over Celestia, despite the facts that Cadance just drugged everyone (probably treason) and that the Changelings were levying war upon them a week ago. Combined with Celestia's uncharacteristic harshness and the accusations of Celestia's xenophobia, it seems as if you wanted to make Chrysalis the victim and didn't put in enough of an effort to preserve canonical characterization where it conflicted with this goal.

Where did Cadance even get roofies in such bulk on such short notice?

While I am enjoying this story, I wish to note for the record that the characters as portrayed here don't line up with my headcannon. Now that that's firmly established, I can sit back and watch without commenting on every update with perceived out-of-character moments.

With the way it's going now, I revise my estimate: Twilight's either going to discover and reveal the corruption and convert the Elements, or redeem Celestia. OR, Twi's gonna be wrong and everypony's gonna believe her this time. It'll be interesting to find out which one happens "for real".

This is great; nobody has the moral high ground: Celestia is very execution happy, Cadance drugged the entire court and let in a known security risk, and Chrysalis invaded literally a week ago. I can't wait to see how this plays out. :pinkiehappy:

There is always a catch. Always. What of Celestia? We need to know if her xenophobic nature is correct. On the other hand/hoof we also know that Chrysalis is an ultranationalist nutcase who would have all of Equestria thrown into breeding pens. Whatever Chrysalis says, she is not to be trusted, and the best course of action would be an independant investigation into the corruption(?) of the courts.

Of course, if we were sensible, this story would be over in ten minutes so...

Massive custom swear alert in 3... 2... 1...

CELESTIA IS A MOTER FUCKING CUNT LICKING COCK SUCKING SON OF A BITCH! SHE TAKES PURE PLEASURE BY FUCKING UP SHINING'S WIFE! WHAT A FUCKING WHORE!

Rant over. :twilightangry2:

Yeah, yeah, Celestia is evil, bitch, tyrant, molester, troll, awful, badness-incarnate, intolerant, racist and what-have-you, and Changelings are just misunderstood little darlings who can do no harm and only did what they did because Celestia is da ebulz!1! Seen it before. :ajbemused: One of these days I'm going to figure out what Celestia did to make bronies despise her so, but not today it seems. *downvotes*

1181689 i have to agree celestia did nothing to earn such a image

PPS

At the start of this chapter, the characters seem to abruptly distrust the Changelings way more than they did in the previous chapter.

How did Cadance get enough time with Chrysalis, away from Shining Armor, to build up so much trust? I'd expect Shining Armor to find it rather conspicuous that Cadance was spending the nights of their honeymoon not in their bed, not having sex with him.


I find it strange that Chrysalis offers no compassion, yet demands and receives it from others.
Chrysalis:

"And what makes you ponies so important that we should all care so much?"

Response:

"It appears that we might have misjudged you. If this is indeed true, I see no reason why you should be denied your rights."

What the crap?

So... when does Celestia start laughing evilly? Because so far, this has just been Chrysalis badmouthing the ponies, Cadance defending Chrysalis and Celestia having a stick up her plot. And Chrysalis has no right to attack Twilight and her friends like that, considering how badly she mistreated both Cadance and Shining Armor. Yes it was to save her own kind but she does not have the moral highground here.

I still want to know where this'll lead but I fear that all I'll get is more anti-Celestia stuff.

1181689
I could see a comment like this working after the last chapter, but what about the last few lines of this chapter? I think the Nightmare is afoot (ahoof?)...

1181689
That's kinda harsh, but okay.

I don't hate Celestia. I really like her, but I think it's possible that there's more to her character than the sweet motherly angelic figure with a sense of humor. She runs an entire country, is in charge of a military guard, and has several enemies. There's so much of her personality and so many facets of her life that remain a mystery.

Once you notice your employer muttering phrases along the lines of "Something must be done.", "It is time!" or "The prophecy!" and talking about him/herself in third person it is time to leave his or her service.
Guide for the successful henchman, Vol III: Survival in the case of heros.

the problem is that you are trying to justify the imposible . candace is guilty of treason , drugging and tying ruler of nation is a very serious crime so is taking an enemy of a nation into the seat of goverment .

Chrysalis says she is the victim , but lets see her crimes . kidnapping Twilight and Cadence , Identity theft, brainwashing the bridesmaid and shinning armor and last but not least making an undeclared war against equestria . even if political asylum is given to the changelings she still has to answer for her crimes .

making celestia a xenophobic tyrant is a cheap and overused . so is making luna the good one . why she trust in then so much ? Cadence behaviour could be explained by stockholm syndrome .

1182375
Celestia's also in charge of a country that freely has minotaurs, goats, donkeys and gryphons living in it, gryphons being at least potentially carnivorous as far as we know (given that they consist of eagle and lion, both carnivores). I highly doubt a princess who has no qualms letting potential pony-eaters in her country would turn down a monarch of a different species that came seeking asylum, even if it was Chrysalis. greenwar1991 is right, the problem is you're trying to justify the impossible. It is nowhere near possible that Cadance would cooperate with the same villain who imprisoned her, starved her, impersonated her, tried to steal her husband from her, brainwashed said husband, hurt her aunt, hurt her sister-in-law-to-be, invaded Canterlot violently, and planned to take over all of Equestria to serve as feeding grounds. The entire ordeal of the wedding must have resulted in some heavy psychological damage for Cadance, maybe even a phobia or hate for Changelings. That really isn't going to go away when, instead of brutally taking her place and locking her away in darkness to starve they, they ask her nicely to help take over Canterlot this time. Basically, there is simply no way in Tartarus that this entire premise can even begin to work without tearing everypony horribly out-of-character. Which is indeed what we have here, Celestia and Cadance being the most offensive examples.

1182655 I agree and now I'm beginning to wonder just who is the REAL villian among the ponies and changelings. :applejackconfused:

The main problem is that Celestia's acting borderline Stupid Evil. You're gonna have to give her some good motivation as to why she's acting so xenophobic.

Hey, Celestia has over 2000 years of history that we know nothing (canon or otherwise) about. Hell, we don't even really know what it is she really does all day. We have only seen tiny fragments of her history. We only heard the tiniest bit about Discords rule, but from what we heard, that was a pretty bad time. Then you have the Nightmare Incident. I think that there are enough plot holes (in a good way, in this case) that Celestia's behavior could be justified. The only real direct conflict we've seen Celestia in was her confrontation with Chrysalis. And she went straight to brute force. No attempted negotiation, no talking, just action. If you were to extrapolate that action as being canon, (also, see reaction to Discord) it appears that there are certain things that Celestia deals with a certain way.

So, given that observation, I am fine with this portrayal of Celestia. I think that Celestia has a ton of character depth that they just can't portray on the show due to time and rating restrictions.

Imagining what she's been through in the past, seeing what can happen if things are allowed to get out of hoof, I can totally see a harsh approach to serious threats to her kingdom.

As a speaker I once heard said. "If you don't deal with the bad, the bad will get ugly. Deal with the bad, before it gets ugly."

So, I think that there's plenty of wiggle room here for this portrayal of Celestia. I say good job! Keep up the good work!

Chrysalis isn't being very convincing, why in the world is anyone (ESPECIALLY Cadence) sympathizing with her?

Celestia is inexplicably xenophobic. I understand that we know little enough about her that this could be true, but it still is hard to swallow without more elaboration on her personality.

The response to being drugged and cocooned like that is to immediately imprison the offending party. It doesn't matter if the changelings let them go; all the Changelings (and those who helped) should have been behind bars before anyone even considered listening to their plea.There are so many ways to get an audience with Celestia/Luna/Elements that don't require hostile action; if Chrysalis wanted to talk Cadence could have snuck her in, prepped everyone to listen before attacking, and then let Chrysalis reveal herself.

I don't think it would be beyond Cadence to have a change of heart. She may not be Fluttershy but i wouldn't put it past her to pass out love and pity to every bird, mammal, fish, and insect in the general vicinity. Pity can be be a strong problem for those who are kind-hearted, even if they've been wronged.

Celestia, on the other hand, ehhhhh. She acts like a huge bitch with a hitler complex. I feel like even if she did turn evil or "xenophobic" she would still try to act dignified and such but set more devious plans into motion.

1181689 there's more to that. she's probably possessed.

I hate to join this criticism bandwagon, but the only explanation I can see for Celestia's behavior is the Nightmare/Discord's influence. It's just so far off from what you'd expect without more development and justification. As far as Chrysalis, I could see her coming and begging forgiveness, I could see her asking asylum (heck, even from Luna for protection against Celestia) but what she's doing is inconsiderate, arrogant, and frankly what I'd expect from either a third-rate villain or a decoy.
As far as characterization and justification goes, you're so far off of the cannon interpretation you'd need some really serious justification (not just one or two statements but chapters of character development, lesson learning, and gradual change) before what you're trying to do is believable. It's doable, but what you've written so far needs a major revision.

So that you might can see what we're talking about I've written a plot outline.
>Ask for asylum. Get rejected. [Makes sense]
>Prepare for invasion. [Well, you can't force somepony to let you live in their city without maintaining control so you'll have to completely take over the gov't. Also you must keep the Solar Ruler alive as without her your food source (other ponies) will die.]
>Kidnap Cadence to get to Shining Armor. [Subvert the defenses where brute force won't work. Changelings are clever. This was a brilliant move, but the beings that feed on love didn't pod the Princess of Love?]
>Eliminate Twilight. [She's a threat. This also made perfect sense, and since it's not grimdark killing wasn't an option. But why not pod her?]
>Invade after your cover's blown. [Strategic and tactical surprise - a minute or so of warning wasn't enough for the guards. Pod up the Princess.]
>Restrict access to the dangerous magical artifacts while flying around blasting stuff. [Cover the last imminent threat, and subdue the populace.]
>Banished due to an unexpected weakness. [You can't protect against what you don't know.]
>Subvert the royal and royally-pissed-off pony you kidnapped for a week, that then fueled the spell that exiled you all, without mind control, using a sob story, in just a few days. [What?]
>Convince her to help you to drug and imprison basically all of her friends and family. [WHAT?]
>Act just as arrogant as if you had an army at your back, but demand respect from the ponies you need to help you. [You're bucking insane.]

I'm sorry, but the last plot points don't work. At all.

I mean, given that Chrysalis basically said that her life's goal has been to usurp the crown and take over the world, without showing a major difference in attitude (which you aren't - she's still really arrogant) we have absolutely no reason to trust her. She lies - that's canon. Unless you can develop her character to the point where we think she isn't - that she's really trying to save what's left of her sons and daughters - then we're not gonna empathize no matter how much you want us to. Maybe show her, discovered by the guards, helplessly watching as her children starve around her because of her ambition. Maybe the loveblast took the Nightmare out of her (she certainly looked the part, and her voice was right) and it found its way into Celestia. I could, maybe, believe Cadence coming to Chrysalis's aid on her own, but not being recruited. Any kind of invasion, in the middle of Canterlot, again, is cliche and doesn't make sense.

Celestia's closer to the general fanon, but you're still a good bit off of "normal". Maybe if we watched her grappling with her choices, or saw a gradual progress over several chapters towards xenophobia. There are certainly fannon interpretations of her character that are similar to yours, but most of the believable ones spend chapters and chapters foreshadowing and building up. Also, as said above, there are too many other races peacefully living in Equestria for xenophobia to make sense (heck, there's three races just among the main characters). Perhaps she's had a prior experience with a changeling, that betrayed her trust? The Nightmare?

If you're interested I'd be more than happy to preread for you - I like this story and I think it has potential - but if you want to keep going it alone, that's fine too. I want to help but, without the sugar coating, what we're mostly saying here is either that your story needs to change, a lot, before we give it our +favs. I (and most of the other commentators here, I assume) genuinely want to help you write a better story - but if you'd rather not have our help and input I don't want to pressure you. I know I'd hate to write a story dictated entirely by someone else. Remember this is yours, and if you're happy with it than by all means ignore us and write on.

1197770

Wow, thanks for the huge comment. I might take you up on your offer.

I'm taking a break from this story for a while though. I want to finish up my other big story first, then decide where I want to go with this one. I had no idea that people would find the characterization so hard to believe. It's quite intimidating...

1197877 Sure. It's really hard matching the story you want to tell with the characters you're given to tell it, I guess that's one way fanfic is harder to write than original work. It doesn't help that most of us are really attached to the characters in question so anomalies are quite noticeable.

As far as the intimidation goes... the core of the story is good, better than I thought when I commented on ch.2. The writing is fine - just look at your first comments - and I think when you're ready to come back, if you weave a more convincing backstory and give it time to brew, most of the characterization problems will start fixing themselves. If you decide you want me to take a look at this (or any other) story when you pick it back up, just let me know. And most of all, keep writing!

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