Ballad of the Brony: A Documentary on Bronies and Friendship is Magic. I think is fantastichttp://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=UE7I_IDX98g#!
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Twilight has come to terms with her feelings towards Rainbow Dash, but with the chaos of planning and hosting yet another Iron Pony Competition, can Twilight find the words and time to tell her friend, or will the hype of the competition prevent her from finding the chance she needs?
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Hmmmm... I like where this is going. There are a couple of grammer mistakes, and you might want to put Twilight's letter in italics. Its a little confusing of a transition. Keep it coming!
dido keep up the good work
21382
thank you for your kind words, Sadly my Grammar is not the best, if not for my proof reader it would be a lot worse
But I will do what I can and keep trying to give all the Bronies and all the Awesome Fillies the best story I can!
This is really really cool. Please write some more
21394 In response to your message, i think Big Mac should be in the games. Maybe have him win. Or be hilariously stupid and have Twist win. I think you were hinting at the return of Trixe as well, so that could be interesting. I have no idea why the princesses are there right now, though. Keep doing what your doing, and see how it turns out! I'm currenly writting a fan fic that i make up as i go, and its doing pretty well. Its called Battles of Another, give me your criteque on it!
...
That was one big mess of thoughts...
Interesting. There were some grammar errors here and there, but it was otherwise ok. My only real problem was this particular phrase:
"her eyes growing to the size of dinner plates."
A rather gruesome phrase and one that brings back bad memories for me.
Still, I'll keep an eye on this.
Very nice keep it going I can't wait for chapter two.
If this was a test chapter then consider it a successful test, please continue.
Errors aside, I like it. A lot. I look forward to reading more. If you need a secondary proofreader I think I might be up for it, just let me know.
Small world. Well, Great chapter. I look forward to the next one. =)
22602
small world?
make c2!
MOAR!
I can just imagine the colossal D= on Rainbow's face after seeing the two wonderbolts :P Nice work.
Well I have time to read this, since my good-for-nothing roommate refuses to let me play MW3 with him
this looks promesing
MOAR!!!!
Oh the hilarity that will insue....
20 bits on Big Red.
I loved it.
Pls don't make Gilda epic fail without reason... I'd hate to see that.
The wrestling scene was weird, and at the beginning my mind was wondering if some of them were getting ready to confuse a cat. What's wrong with my brain?
Looking forward to the next chapter.
Well, you certainly managed to blow away my expectations with this chapter.
The dialogue with Pinkie and Spike was handled quite well. The contenders surprised me a bit as well. Shame "Bob" couldn't compete though. Just the thought of a pony called "Bob" is hillarious on its own,
I reallt appreciated Luna and the CMCs as well. It caught me off guard and I couldn't help but laugh, the tension that apeard was awesome as well.
One thing about this becomes pretty silly though. I know that Twilight is well organised, but having all this being set up within 24 hours just feel a bit impossible.
Getting word out in Ponyville is realistic, but having ponies from all over Equestria visit this quickly? It's all a bit illogical. I would suggest "fixing" chapter one by making it at least a weak. (Pinkie has spectacular powers. But marketing a competition all over equestria? In a single day? Even she can only be in so many places at once, and with no internet, word of mouth takes a lot longer to spread.)
But that's my only "serious" complaint. I can't wait for the next chapter :).
27529
Oh dear Celestia!
The spelling errors. They are horrible! How could I spell "week" as "weak"? Or appeared as "apear"? There are not supposed to be any weak pears near my comment and I resent any notion of such. Now I really want an edit function :).
thirds plz :3
27529 PINKIE PIE IS FUCKING SANTA OF THE EQUESTRIAN UNIVERSE SHE CAN DO ANYTHING!!
This looks to be amazingness in the works right here cant wait for more
Awwwww, no Bob. Either way, I liked this chapter a lot. The CMC antics were hilarious, and Pinkie was hilarious, and mostly everypony else, too. I willing to bet that Rainbow Dash might not want to win, since that would mean making the Wonderbolts look bad. Or maybe she would try harder, because that might mean getting into the Wonderbolts. I really can't say which it could be. Keep it up, Fox! Also, where is my Trixie!?
I was going to say pretty much everything that Zanzibar said. Loved the CMC's and Luna, and the competitors offer a good mixed bag of characters. This story been tracked!
hmm...so far I can tell you that your in that akward middle ground of not enough and just enough detail. I struggle with this a lot, what I do to combat this is after I finish writing a chapter I go back with another person and re-work every section either me or the other person thinks is lacking or sounds weird until it both of us are satisfied. It may take longer but it delivers an amazing result.
This so much reminds me of my chapter drafts its almost comical.
like here is an akward part:
Spike ran out of the room only to come back immediately and took of his apron before running out again.
It might make sense if you change the words a little into something like:
Spike ran out of the room only to immediately come back and take off his apron before taking off again.
or you can edit words with similar words to get a similar more descriptive result.
Spike dashed out of the room only to run back in a moment later to take off his apron before sprinting off to make up for lost time.
Remember to let the reader breath also, even if your reading in your head, your brain will still think in terms of speaking aloud so adding commas occasionally instead of and will make your sentence flow alot faster and increase excitement. Also the opposite is true, a longer sentence will add suspense and increase the drama leading up to a point of emphasis. This is particularly important to remember when writing comedy or shipping which are highly emotional topics because whether it be a punch line or a small comment, you can change how the reader will react depending on how you write the buildup.
Try and develop a narration voice. As easy as it is to jump from character to character in the story, sometimes the comments from an omniscient source make things a lot clearer for the readers. (I obviously took this to the extreme in my story by making the Narrator an actual character that interacts with the ponies but this is beside the point because he is an idiot and only really appears when things don't make sense to make things make even less sense)
Also remember that there is a difference between writing dialog and then adding descriptions of what is happening during the talking and Writing what is happening. This can come out choppy and disturb the flow of a chapter. If you write so that the paragraphs interlock with each other then you can get a steady, constant and smooth train of thought.
For example:
“That would have been a fine letter; it is quite a shame that I have spoiled it for myself.” Twilight's body went rigid, her eyes growing to the size of dinner plates.
Ever so slowly Twilight Sparkle stood up and turned around, her eyes roaming across the books scattered on the floor, the dirty windows, and the papers strewn on her desk. Slowly, her eyes fell on the source of the voice. “ Pr.. Pr... Princess Celestia... And Princess Luna...”
Twilight's eyes slowly rolled in up to the back of her head, and a second later she passed out.
This has a slightly choppy feel to it, but it is one entire joke. However if you were to smooth things out and connect your ideas it could sound like this:
"That would have been a fine letter, it is quite a shame that I may have just spoiled it for myself, isn't that right sister?" Twilight's book fell to the floor as her mind suddenly sputtered like a machine running out of fuel, her eyes the size of saucers.
Scrambling to retrieve her reading material, Twilight slowly spun around. Her mind had kicked into overdrive as it registered each thing her eyes focused on. 'Books, Dirty Window, Messy Desk, Princess Celestia...'
"P-Princess Celestia?!? Princess Luna?!?!?!" Twilight's world suddenly became very dim and started spinning violently before her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she collapsed onto her side.
Luna snickered. "Ha, Out like a light! That was quite cruel, sister" Celestia only smiled.
I admit that is kind of rough but I hope it gets the point across. Anyway I like where this is going so I'm gunna be tracking it
And feel free to ignore my advice, personally I think it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But my brain operates in really funny ways and this is the best that I could explain it.
I liked what I've read so far! It's pretty well written, and I like where it's going. now to read the next chapter!
That was really great, and really has me looking forward to more! You really were able to make me visualize everything. Cannot wait for chapter 3!
Awesome addition! Can't wait for the next!
45143
Thank you! in 108 total views you are th first to leave a comment And I am glad you liked chapter 3!
I wanna know about the whole Christmas incident almost as much as I want to know what happens in the main story.
Knowing Pinkie it must have been a terrifing event to behold. I feel a side story coming on.
I agree with 45182 I would like to know what happened at Christmas.
PS. the story so far is great can't wait for the next chapter, and when pinkie first bought the bag that had Trixie in it in to the booth I thought it was Madame le Flour that would have been so funny
Pretty good and I only spotted a couple typos. Keep it up.
This is going to be a great story, I can tell. I'm honestly most excited to see why Pinkie forced Trixie to take the announcing position. Will Equestria ever know?
45250
I actually thought the same thing, that it was madame le flour pinkie had brought to the announcing booth, but Trixie was a fantastic surprise there.
ooooooooh Pinkie Pie.... I love how you act so much.
YOU USED MY IDEA I LOVE YOU MAN! no homo if your a dude
this story is wonderful i agree i want to know about the christmas event just to better understand the chapter/story and i think i finally have an answer for your question and its i hope sorin wins :D i like the guy i read a few fan fics with him in them and hes grown on me what can i say
Will definitely be following this story! Keep up the good work.
Another great chapter! Is the entire story going to take place at the competition or will there be more after it? The Pinkie scenes were really funny, and before Trixie popped out of the bag I was sure Pinkie was replacing herself with the bag of flour.
49988
No, the story will go well past the competition, I really did no mean for the competition to last this long LOL
Not for all to see Rainbow Dash will Kiss Twilight.
Oh just do you two.
Interesting story, keep up the good work! haha its funny because its in comment form
youtube.com/watch?v=I_cEF-QUTaE&feature=uploademail
MOAR
Nice. I'm starting to really like this.
Certainly going to going to put it on alert.
50008
Very nice story, I like the whole plot to it so far. So right now I've got this from the story, Twilight likes Rainbow Dash. There is an iron pony competetion. Gilda is cheating. Trixie is back.
TwiDash is my favorite shipping so I'm glad to see that in this story. (This is my first day on this site so thats a good impression.)
MOAR
WE NEED MORE
IT'S BEEN TOO LONG A TIME TO GO WITHOUT A CHAPTER
i.qkme.me/ev0.jpg
MOAR!